Poll: will my marriage last?
I guess I'm just a ball of emotions but DH just texted me and asked me to get SD a ticket for the movie we were supposed to see in less than 2 hours. I just screenshotted him the barcode and told him that he and SD can go alone. He says that we won't go then if I'm not going and I say ok. Then in my anger, I tell him that he can have his relationship with SD and to not involve me. He says that that will help our future and I told him that I'm sick of his past always reminding me that I'll never have a normal family. I want to stay for our daughter but I am really becoming resentful.
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Is it a romantic kind of
Is it a romantic kind of movie or something? Other than that I don’t think it’s a big deal to take her to the movies? She is his child, not just “his past”.
I say no, it won't last.
I say no, it won't last.
I say this because you are about to become a mother. The things that you were able to overlook (not my monkeys)as a SM, will drive you insane as a BM.
Deep down inside, you know that your husband is not all in when it comes to being a parent. It's clear from your posts that you want much more than that for your daughter.
I agree.
I agree.
I don't doubt that he loves
I don't doubt that he loves our daughter so much and I thought we were so in love but I'm starting to question that. When 50/50 started, he had no problem delegating responsibilties onto me and now during the CPS crap, he's keeping important information from me and I don't really trust him right now.
You shouldn't trust him and
You shouldn't trust him and since you are starting to realize that, you should also take a hard look at how much blame you're putting on a child that belongs on him. She's a fucking kid, he's supposed to be an adult. The mess that is their relationship is on him 100%.
Ugh. All the drama with SD
Ugh. All the drama with SD would drive me crazy too. Tell him to just quit telling you about it and handle it on his own. You have to just stay out and focus on you and your baby.
Yep, all this stress is not
Yep, all this stress is not good for OP and baby. Horrible timing for all this to be going down.
OP, I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now. Stay focused on you and baby. Straight up tell your 'd'h all this crap is stressing you out too much and it's not good for you or baby. You do NOT want to hear about the bull crap going on with SD, BM and CPS. If you plan on nursing, stress can have serious effects on your milk supply. He really needs to get ahold of his balls and deal with this mess and involve you as little as possible.
I did tell him that but I
I did tell him that but I also said that I want nothing to do with SD. I can't take that back and I actually meant it. I'll be working over 60 hours this week so I'll barely see him but after that I'm not sure what to do about our relationship. I love him so much but I can't accept SD.
I don't blame you... I would
I don't blame you... I would feel the same way in your position. You can't be sure this will be the last time she does this type of thing. You also need to worry about YOU and YOUR baby.
I want my family with the 3
I want my family with the 3 of us and no one else. I love my husband so much. He's perfect besides his baggage. To me, anyway.
Well ..
She is part of him. She shares 50% of the same DNA as your child. And who knows, one day your child may need a kidney or bone marrow from the one person you are dispising.
If I were you I would tell DH you cannot trust her. He can trust her as much as he wants but it will take an awful lot for you to trust her ever. And as you will not be around someone you cannot trust. She has caused irreperable damage to the relationship she had with you and right now the last thing you want to do is sit in the dark with someone who tries to destroy your marriage. And in future if he chooses to go to the movies with you, neither of you can invite anyone else along.
She is part of his past. If you leave she will always be in the past. But she will be in the future for DH and her half sister.
The funny thing is that I was
The funny thing is that I was kind of a bridge to their relationship. I was always the "aunt" or "big sis" figure and did things with her when he wasn't around and helped with transportation. Besides her starting to only be nice to me when it suited her, this CPS drama came up and like you said, I really don't trust her. She's just like her mother and only likes our house because it's Disneyland and my husband isn't really a parental figure to her. I don't trust her and I don't even know if I trust my own husband.
Oh you can trust him
But he has limitations.
I suspect he is an enabler. He will do anything he can to make SD happy because she is real. He has a history with her. He knows her character and what she sounds like and who she is. Your unborn child? Not so much. I know this is your first experience as a parent but it will never be his first.
Do not trust her. DH should know this. She has created mayhem and is backpedalling as fast as she can. Granted she is a young teen and has a lot to learn. One of the problems is she has to create a certain environment and image for her mother to be happy with her. I actually feel sorry for these kids. If SD went back and said "Dad and ILD are having a baby. I am going to be a big sister!" BM would make her feel her wrath. So SD plays along with the game to make mommy happy and daddy thinks he cannot do anything anymore or the Mighty BM will extract revenge most horrid upon him and he is helpless to fight back.
Time to tell DH that he can do whatever he wants with SD but she will not be left alone with you or your unborn child until you are convinced by her behaviour and actions she has changed. This may take up to 5 yrs to reverse the stress and damage. Or it may never happen. BUT ... moving forward things will change.
As for the CPS ... It is a load of crap and baloney. It is BM blowing up a smokescreen to get her own way. The sooner he sees this the better.
It's not even about SD
It's not even about SD changing because I don't expect her to. She is who she is and I don't want to be alone with her ever and I most certainly don't want her to influence our daughter. And it breaks my heart that this will never be DH's first experience as a father. Yes, we love each other and he and BM never had that but he saw SD every day until right before she was 5 and I think that he thinks she's still that innocent little girl.
Chef broke up with the Gir
when SD was 5. She too was all in at age 9 when the Gir called CPS on us for a pack of lies the skids told to "make mommy happy." Chef also viewed his "babies" as babies well into the double digits. Was willing to forgive their conspiracy with thr Gir. I was not.
That was the beginning of the end. Almost 15 yrs later and Chef and I are more like contentious brother and sister but then again we have no "us" child. I caught my mind wandering the other day to what it would be like had I stayed married to my first husband whom I married 40 yrs ago. Probably a lot better off. But then I wouldnt have had marvelous Awesome son. Try to stay focused on you and baby.
When your life and sanity is
When your life and sanity is the target for these kids, you stop feeling sorry for them. It’s human nature to fear and dislike someone who means you harm, regardless of why. Toxic kids are even more damaging because people believe their lies and feel sorry for them. (speaking from experience here).
I agree with this 100%....
I agree with this 100%.... until you have lived TRUE alienation, you are clueless as to what sorts of emotions it brings out.
Because it is far different from the ordinary run of the mill difficult BM and blended family problems the way you end up feeling is far different as well, and your level of involvement becomes different (because you don’t have a choice!).
When the BM uses and sees the kids only as weapons, and the kids themselves behave like they are merely there to destroy your life all “typical advice” really does go out the window. It becomes 100% about self preservation and protecting yourself and your loved ones.
Just ignoring it, or trying to disengage or trying to rise above doesn’t work. If BM and (older) child are on a mission to destroy you, you can’t eacape from it- if you try they will just up the brutality of the tactics used until it reaches you.
It can start to even become criminal in nature, they will target you at work, they will target your other children..... they can be so determined that you cannot escape. The whole goal is to get you out, and to make you and DH pay “for what you have done to them” at whatever cost.
Pretty much you have 2 options- you leave in hopes that you will no longer be a target sitting beside DH, or you buckle in for the ride and hope that at some point something else in their lives will distract them and you guys will no longer be a target.
Also, I don’t think you would care about this not being DH’s first experience as much if all this drama around you wasn’t going on. Step Kids should be a part of your family, it just becomes another beast when they are actively trying to ruin it or when GUBM is trying to interject herself into your lives in such an extreme way.
Half siblings share about 25%
Half siblings share about 25% of the same DNA. The same as an aunt or uncle.
Having a baby changed my
Having a baby changed my feelings towards my SD alot. I found her irritating to start out with but during pregnancy and after giving birth its gotten way worse. I even already had a DS but hes 8 already. Not the same as having a tiny one. I really think it's just natural instinct to alot of moms to want to take care of just their bios especially when they're very young and dependent. I don't blame you for wanting bonding and date time alone with DH before the baby comes either.
I get that he's desperate to
I get that he's desperate to see SD now, especially after her call last night crying to him. But he thinks I want to take her to a movie after I just told him I don't want to be involved in anything to do with her anymore? I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone.
My DH cant really accept that
My DH cant really accept that I dont want to do things with SD. He thinks if I'm not complaining right at the moment that it means everything is fine and I'm perfectly fine being around her. Idk if it's just being in denial or if he just really doesnt understand that I dont have the bond to her that allows me to just get over her behavior and move on like he can.
It's probably denial. And in
It's probably denial. And in my case, I used to really care for and be close to SD. Now she's just an entitled teenage brat and has been caught in lies between homes before. Not once but multiple times. I don't want her to be an influence on our daughter and quite frankly, I don't want to be in the same room as her.
I think Jcksjj
I think Jcksjj is right. Bio parents just don't get how someone can be d-o-n-e. They keep going back for more even when their kid actually puts them in legal danger. Like when the kid tells lies about them that bring police or CPS to their house. They rationalize and excuse it away and if anything actually treat them better than before. They don't understand when someone else decides that this kid simply is not worth the the trouble and wants nothing to do with them. They think that it is a temporary decision made in the heat of the moment and our mind will change after a good night's sleep. When the kid is just aggravating there is not a lot we can do. We are basically stuck with them. But when they are actually causing a potential danger to us or our small child, like lying and getting a taste of the power of CPS in the future, I think having your heart slam shut makes perfect sense.
I just had DH ask me last night what I got his adult daughter for Christmas. I had to explain to him for the third time this month that I had gotten and mailed presents for SS and DIL and the GSD and YSD but he was on his own with OSD. Just like he did for her birhday and then again at the other's birthdays when I got them a gift. He had to bring up OSD and how I had not gotten her anything. He just can not grasp the concept that unless she does something very out of character to change things I am finished with her and I really mean it. I put in my obligatory time with her when she was a child and young adult. Most of the time through gritted teeth and a bitten tongue but he chose not to curb her behavior. D-O-N-E.
My DH has unconditional love
My DH has unconditional love for SS, and I tell him all the time that SS is lucky to have him for a father, many men would have given up long ago. I don't have unconditional love for him, all I see when I look at him is a rocket-propelled grenade with BM's face on it, aimed right at our home, our marriage, our health, our financial well-being
DH gets that, I think.
I'm just tired, tog. Sick and
I'm just tired, tog. Sick and tired. If it's not something next week, it's next month or in 6 months or next year. SD won't age out for what will seem like an eternity and I can't stress about the next bullshit thing she or BM is going to pull.
Yep, I know that feeling. My
Yep, I know that feeling. My SS is almost 19 and the same crap is going on. There is no aging out with a determined BM.
I get it
I also felt like my SS18 was a weaponized proxy of BM, aimed at destroying:
You've probably had just bout
You've probably had just bout enough of my 2 cents for one day, but I'll say more.
I don't doubt the man loves you. I don't doubt he loves the coming baby nor his older daughter. What I do think is that you've grown as a person and well, are starting to out grow him. Yes, I know, he's ten years older than you, but age isn't what I'm talking about.
When you first joined here, you were so young. But you've been advancing forward. You went to school, got a good job, keep trying to make a nice home, and you're about to be a mother. You are not the person you were just a couple years ago. But nothing has really changed on Dh part. Or Sd's part or especially not BM's part. They're all who they were and seem to be more or less happily stuck there.
Yeah, it's being pregnant and all the hormones ganging up on you. You're wanting to nest and have everything ready... but when you stop and look around and think about things, you see everything and everybody (DH, SD and BM) all still being their same old selves... heck getting even worse than they were. Your head is telling you this isn't good for you or your baby, but your heart says you love this man and you've worked so hard to try to make a home and a family life.
Sweetie, sometimes love isn't enough.
As to your poll. Will your marriage last? Yeah, it will until , at least you have decided you're ready to move on . But that's something your head and heart must battle out with each other.
I'm so conflicted and you're
I'm so conflicted and you're right. Nothing with the 3 of them has changed in 8 years and it never will. Our daughter doesn't deserve to see my disdain for SD and SD doesn't deserve to be around it. And I don't deserve to feel this resentment for many years to come. DH sees nothing wrong and thinks I'm just "in a mood" and there's only so many ways to tell him how I feel.
^^^THIS^^^
What twoviewpoints says is spot on, and what I logged on to post.
I warned you a couple of years ago that you would soon outgrow this man. You are changing and evolving, and as you grow, more scales fall from your eyes and your perception of reality sharpens. You are about to morph into a mother, a huge shift in pov and priorities that will only further emphasize how small and immature your H is.
A lot of your posts consist of you venting about your H and his clueless parenting and life fails, then flipping the script when we agree with you. This tells me that you recognize the excrement you're standing in, but you're not ready to do anything about it - and that's okay. You're baking a human right now, the hormones are fierce, and you're doing what's right for you and baby in this moment - drawing boundaries and telling your H to keep his dysfunction the H@ll away from you. He should be ashamed to have put you through this garbage during what should be a wonderful time in your life, but of course he lacks the self control and the maturity to shut his pie hole.
Stop thinking about whether your marriage will last; it's useless speculation. Instead, make peace FOR YOURSELF your goal. It's allll about you and your baby right now. No drama or Disney poop allowed. Erect some high and thick mental walls around you, and DO NOT DISCUSS HIS SD PROBLEMS AT ALL. Not one word, Charley. Put your foot down and tell your H that he's put you through quite enough already, so for the remainder of your pregnancy you don't want to see or hear or speak about SD. The end.
I wouldn’t completely ban SD
I wouldn’t completely ban SD until you know for sure what is that she said? If she just complained to her therapist that dad threw things at the wall or floor, then I don’t know why she is blamed. She is in therapy so she can share and it’s normal. If she lied, it’s different. But how do you know? No one tells the truth. Neither DH nor BM. I’d not rush into banning SD from your home until you know what exactly happened.
I guess I can't really ban
I guess I can't really ban her but I don't care what she told or tells CPS. I hate what she represents and it's really eating me inside.
But what does she represent?
But what does she represent? I’d be heartbroken if my DH hated my DD because she represents my first marriage. She is her own person. I’d leave DH if he left like this about my DD. Well I guess he could feel whatever but actually not allowing my DD around because i am not his first family wouldn’t fly with me at all. I’d be done with spouse like that
Yes, SD is her own person but
Yes, SD is her own person but she's also very much like BM and now that I realize my husband has just as much blame for horrible parenting, I don't need to be involved in her life. She has 2 parents and my baby needs me to be there for her 100%.
Regardless if you stay with
Regardless if you stay with him or leave, SD will always be in your DDs life. You’d never be able to have CO not allowing SD around DD. By deciding to have children with a man you aren’t sure is the right one you ensured that SD will always be there in one way or another, simply because she is DD sister
You can never trust SD again
You have to make DH understand that. You have to make him understand, what he doesn’t, There will be no more going to the movies with her, no more going any place with her. No more you ever being alone with SD. If he wants to have a relationship with her, it’s on him, not you. Have him understand you are ready to leave because of SD. That he is going to have to deal with this somehow. He has to understand you do not, will not have CPS, come to your home anymore.
I don't know how to say this
I don't know how to say this in any other way to him. I do not need to have a relationship with his daughter anymore. And with all of this crap, I'm sure SD needs even more counseling and that puts a target on my back as long as she's in our home.
I'm confused
I'm confused
How does SD going to counseling put a target on your back? You aren't doing anything wrong. Your husband is.
It is starting to sound like you fear SD being honest in therapy will trigger more calls to CPS. If that happens, your daughter may be at risk.
If that is the case, why blame SD instead of your husband.
All of this talk about SD only being loyal to her mother, untrustworthy, running her mouth...is beginning to sound like there is a desire for the girl to hush up so that her dad's short comings are not pushed to the forefront. If the kid would just shut up and BM would mind her business, outsiders won't know that dad ain't cutting it as a parent.
Why do you (general) expect more from the child than the adult.
Perhaps she is worried that
Perhaps she is worried that SD will tell (more) lies in therapy - not so much that she will be tellimg the truth.
But we don’t know if she ever
But we don’t know if she ever said any lies. So far we know that SD shared wuth her therapist that dad threw her phone at the wall of floor and was angry. It’s not a lie
she should be encouraged to share in therapy rather than be hush hush as to not upset SM and daddy.
SteppedOut, what did the girl
SteppedOut, what did the girl lie to the therapist about?
Someone told CPS that holes
Someone told CPS that holes were punched in the wall.
My SS lied all the time to his therapist. It's a real risk - especially when the other parent will encourage those lies to the therapist to maintain primary custody. ILD is right to be concerned about that.
OP's husband has been told sd
OP's husband has been told sd said he punched a hole in the wall. Do we know if that is true? No. But we also do not if it is not true.
What we do know is this issue has been extended on for quite some time (typically CPS moves a bit faster, as mentioned by several posters). OP (a very pregnant OP) has been told all sorts of things by her husband (inclunding sd lied), all the various things husband "is going to do", but seems like he is not doing much, all the bm crap, more sd crap and finally sd is coming to movie like nothing has happened. OP has every right to feel done will all this nonsense.
If sd did lie, then OP has every right to be worried about her doing so again. I think it is very fair that until OP knows what actually has happened that she do what is best for her and her baby - and if she feels keeping her distance from sd is best then so be it and, I agree with her.
BM had this information and
BM had this information and she's acting like she's on DH's side and wants to be in the loop so I'm assuming SD told BM this. BM is acting like she hasn't talked to the police officer or CYFD lady so I don't know where else she'd get this info. I think SD was so apologetic and crying to DH about her friends shunning her because she did lie about something. Otherwise, why would she be so upset about venting to her therapist?
Point is, YOU are dealing
Point is, YOU are dealing with far too much stress right now! Stepping back and not being part of it is probably the best thing for you and your unborn child right now. That people cannot respect that is absolutely mind-boggling to me.
^^^I Agree^^^
ILD's husband is failing her by not protecting her from ALL of this.
Many SMs complain how BM is
Many SMs complain how BM is against therapy because kids would tell the truth about her crappy parenting. Now you and dad are afraid that SD is in therapy and shares what’s happening in your home re dads poor parenting. It sounds that you dont want truth to come out about how dad isn’t fit as a parent. That makes no sense.
Kid shared with her therapist and you are mad? I am an adult but I’d be uncomfortable with people yelling and throwing things especially after drinking but you want SD to be hush hush about it in therapy?
I think
That it's not the truth that ILD is worried about, it's the lies to embellish how bad things are when she faces natural consequences. I believe, and I might be wrong, that the SD was mad that she lost phone privileges.
My own SD tried this tactic fairly early on in my marriage. She would go home and tell BM about all kinds of off the wall semi-abuses. I honestly have no idea what the complaints were. Thankfully BM was more interested in shaming DH so they all had a "family" meeting with "just the 3 of us. Right? Only the 3 of us will be there." After a 2 hour "family" meeting, it ended with either BM maybe misunderstanding what SD had said or SD backtracking on everything that she told BM. I believe the biggest complaint is that I swear around the house. Yeah? So f*cking what? It's my home. If you don't like it you can eat a d*ck. Oh wait, that's exactly why you got divorced and made space for me.
SD may be upset about the
SD may be upset about the loss of phone privileges or my thought now is that she was so apologetic and crying on Friday because she probably did lie about something and her friends know something if they're shunning and making fun of her. I can't imagine she feels this bad over just venting to her therapist.
My SS did this too, all kinds
My SS did this too, all kinds of stories. Once he was wearing shorts in the winter, and went out to BM's car like that. She was upset, so he told her that DH "forced" him to wear the shorts, because he didn't want him wearing his school pants. What? He had a room full of other pants and he chose the shorts. The lies only got bigger and bigger as BM ate them up and rewarded him for them with new games and complete freedom to do as he pleased.
He snowed all the therapists with those lies. ILD is very right to be worried, IMO.
Boundaries
I haven’t read all of your blogs, but from what I have read it seems as if your DH doesn’t understand how boundaries work. He needs to set clear boundaries with BM and clear boundaries with SD.
He also needs to work to understand your boundaries with SD.
It can be difficult to set those when everyone is emotional, however. It’s also difficult to do this with people who have no concept of boundaries.
For your marriage to last, however, you and DH both need to understand what your boundaries are and work together to maintain them.
From the sound of it, it would take a lot of work for your DH to even understand how all the things he’s doing are enabling boundary-busting behavior on the part of others.