You are not obligated to do anything for his children.

Step aside and allow your husband, BM and CPS sort this all out.  CPS will give both parents the tools they need to parent their children.  If the two of them can't get their acts together, the kids will be placed in foster care.

DH is not thinking clearly if he thinks not following CPS advice is a good idea. If the advice was not to leave the kids alone with BM, he should comply. Non compliance with this advice can result in the children being placed in foster care. So, drop the kids off dad, and both of you will end up at a visiting center to see your kids. (And you won't be visiting at the same time BM.) DH can just ask my SD who thought the CPS advice was optional too. 

If your DH has trouble deciding whether to please you or BM he’s a worthless POS. 

Then, girl, throw your hands up in the air and leave this f###ing disaster to the people that created it. You’re too good of a person to be talked to that way. Fine, f###er, have fun doing alllllll this shit. 

Sorry, guys.  I’m a little triggered with the Mr. tonight. 

You have to let him know that dinner with kids and BM alone with him is a deal breaker.  That is your hill to died on.  If he want to drop kids off at BM house alone, That ok with you.  But you will Disengage totally.  Third option is telling BM,, NO ! No dinner alone, no dropping off at her home.  If she can get someone responsible to be with her, she can have the kids for a few hours.  If you start letting BM make the rules, all is lost anyway 

Every time my DH tries to paint me as the person creating issues when I get upset at things like you did, I put him in his place. I remind him who actually created the issue (him & BM), and point blank tell him I won’t be the scapegoat for his problems just because it’s easier to blame me than it is to deal with BM.

That said, I also very much have the attitude that they are DH’s kids, and at the end of the day it’s his choice how he handles things, even if I don’t agree with them. Even if he thanks you for everything you’re doing, HE needs to be the one parenting his children. I love doing things for my SS’s, and I help DH wherever I can, but he’s in the drivers seat 100% of the time when we have the boys. And he should be.

Your DH needs to follow CPS’s advice, but if he doesn’t that’s on him & he’ll suffer the consequences. If my DH ever went to dinner alone w BM for any reason though, I’d be out the door. Some people are ok with that but I’m certainly not. It’s called respect & boundaries. 

Like others have said he isn't thinking clearly. I would say-- "Fine, lose your kids then. If you don't follow CPS orders, they won't trust you to have the kids either. Foster homes and group homes are super cool DH, I am sure the SKids will love it there becasue you are struggling with being a Freaking Father and do what is best for your kids. 2 thumbs up!! Awesome work". -- then walk away. 

Your DH has put himself in the middle. I'm not sure why he feels guilty about setting limits on BM, but he does.  Usually, when fathers do this, it's either fear of losing his kids (can't be that, he has her on the ropes, so to speak, she can't even be alone with them right now), or it's some kind of misplaced guilt about his divorce and BM falling apart or something.

Whatever it is, it's his to deal with. I know my DH really got tired of me trying to direct how he should handle BM and SS, and now that I don't do it anymore, I can see why it annoyed him.  But in your case, he can't have you be their nanny and that's it.

So let him know you will be staying out of things for now, and that includes watching the kids.  But if you do it in anger, he will just apologize (maybe) so you will watch the kids again, but don't go for it.  Just say it's too stressful to manage all of this and you will leave it to him.

But if you can't live with the way he handles his relationship with BM, then your only option is to go. You can't stay forever micromanaging him and watching everything he does.

My DH would rather die than have a dinner alone with BM, and if he had her in the precarious position she's in now with CPS, he'd go for the kill. Yours wants to appease her, for whatever reason.

in the early years thought Chef would come "crawling back to her on hands and knees" so she often suggested weekday "family dinners" after they broke up... meaning Chef, the Gir and the skids.   I told Chef this was a BAD idea but do what you want.  He went to ONE of these "family dinners" and ended up bolting midway through it was so horrible.  It was basically a shitshow of blame Chef for everything in front of the skids.

I have a feeling it’s been a constant battle trying to fight for my place as being his partner and making our marriage a priority.

^^^^^^^^^^^I feel for you because you shouldn't feel this way .You shouldn't be fighting and trying to be the best wife you can be in order to show your H that you are worth being placed 1st. You are his wife and he's not acknowledging your position in his life. His lack of boundaries, guilty parenting, & b@lls has placed you all in this position.

You have options and if he wants you out of his kids life, that's what its going to be. You have been sacrificing yourself for a man that continues to put his ex above EVERYTHING. It's up to you to decide how you want to continue living because you are worth so much more and if he doesn't acknowledge that....your marriage is very much in danger.

The day SO told me his was in the middle of me and his ex would be the day we were over. If he doesn't know whether to side with his present wife or his ex-wife you have a serious DH problem. I would have no problem solving the conflict for him.