because it is welfare fraud. She is given cash assistance and food stamps for herself because he has custody of the kids. If he takes it he leaves himself open to investigation or her filing in court that he took it. She doesn't have the ability to help herself let alone anyone else. It would be better if he only contacted her or allowed her to contact him within the guidelines of the court order. 

Why wouldn't he take the help?  Male pride I suspect, of taking food stamps/cash from a drug addict.  Plus I imagine your DH is wanting BM to get back on her feet at some point, for the sake of her children if nothing else.  Maybe you could put it to him that he accept a nominal amount from BM as it would maybe help her to think she is doing the right thing by her kids, and it would help your finances too. 

He can go file with the court for CS and shoujld be able to at least get the minimum amount

I'm assuming she lied about custody of the kids which is why she is getting both food stamps and cash aid. Most states have some sort of work requirement, or dependent requirement, to receive aid. She has neither right now, so it would be fraud on a few different levels for him to take and spend the money. Plus, it's not really her money since, I'm assuming, she's not working and paying into the tax base.

I'm also assuming that if this goes to court, your DH is seeing lawyer fees and having to be COed to expose his kids to a meth head again. Not taking anything from BM means less drama for your household and his kids. 

I'll agree that there needs to be an influx of funds into the household. The older 3 are old enough to be latchkey kids if you have bus service to and from school. Have you looked into daycare prices for the baby? Opposite-shift jobs? Something part-time some evenings and weekends? Contract work you can do from home? There are loads of options, and you're effectively looking at only needing daycare for 1 kid.

In my state, they go after the other parent for money when one parent is getting financial assistance. Don't be surprised if he gets a summons to court to pay child support to HER, especially if she's lying about having custody.

Though I will say, it's not his job to buy clothes for YOUR bio son, if it's not his. Looks like you have to go to work.

Why are you complaining about BM not paying CS when according to another blog, your son's father doesn't pay CS either?

He should have spoken to you, but when it's all said and done he gets to decide how he will handle this.

I don't see anything wrong with him wanting your ex to handle back to school shopping for your son.  Since your husband is supporting your son, asking for help from your ex every now and then shouldn't be a problem.

There's nothing stopping you from working if you want to.  As a family of 6 living on one income, changes are you would qualify for subsidized childcare.

I read some of your other blogs and was wondering...why did you decide to reconcile and move back in?  If it's for financial reasons, I won't judge you...its hard to start out again on your own as a single parent.  But if you want to sort through this mess, you gotta just lay it all out there so the good people here can help. :)  It sounds like maybe the two of you didn't really work out the old issues before jumping back in the fire. 

On cash assistance & food stamps - I commented above in more detail, but basically...DON'T TAKE THE MONEY OR STAMPS!  You both would be committing welfare fraud if you did.

On CS from BM - Forget about it until she gets clean and gets a steady job.  My SO never asked for CS or saw a penny for SDs because BM never got straight.  She was already in and out of prison over the years, so a CS order was just going to send her back for non-payment. Your DH's best chance at ever seeing CS is to give her time to get her crap straight on her own.

On the imbalance of money/work/childcare - He's complaining about money and you are complaining about taking care of the kids more than he does.  It sounds to me like you both really agree that you should go back to work outside the home.  I'm assuming the older 3 are all in school during the day, so you just need to find care for your little one.  The older 2 are old enough to look after SD8 after school.  I work for myself (online reseller), but there have been times over the years I took on an additional part-time job outside the home office JUST so I was not constantly available and responsible for SKIDS.  It definitely helped.

On "I do more for them then he does!" - I understand why this feels true, but you can't look at it like that.  You are a stay at home mom right now, so your "job" is to care for the children and run the household.  He works full time, I assume, so that is his contribution to caring for all the children AND you.  You got to give him some credit where credit is due.  If you want to be appreciated for your contribution to the family, you've got to be willing to show him an appreciation for his. 

It sounds like you and DH need to have a heart-to-heart about what roles each of you actually want to play in this household/marriage and decide if you two are compatible in that way or not.  

Your husband knows that your working is the first step to you not being financially dependent on him.  Once you have the ability to support yourself and your children on your own, you will walk away from him.  

Truth be told, you do not have to wait for a job to leave.  Whoever helped you when you left the first time, will help you again.  Social services will give you foodstamps, cash assistance, childcare and help with finding employment.  They will help with going after both men for CS.  They will help with housing.  

You do not have to stay in the situation.

Go to welfare and show she has the kids for the aid she is receiving for them.  Or she may have to pay back the money she receive.  They will cut her off until she is paid up 

Believe me.. 2 years non stop of this same crap. I got a job against his wishes at a hospital and the hours were rough but I loved it. When I got home I tried to take a nap or go to sleep early and he did everything he could to wake me up and not let me sleep. It was HELL!

How can you allow this man to control every aspect of your life??? He has you at his mercy and unless you leave or major changes are made you will always fall victim to his BS. You do realize your children see this and will think it's ok. Your H is modeling abusive & controlling behavior which all the kids will pick up on. Ask  yourself would you ever want your children in a relationship like this? Where they have no say or freedom to do what they like?

Why aren't you getting paid for the work you do for the business? You say "our business". But who is on the incorporation/LLC documents filed with the state? 

You need to get to a lawyer for a divorce consultation. This is a horribly abusive situation. 

The day could be today.  One simple call to a women's shelter and you would be out of that house in no time.  No need ti have money saved up.  No need to have an exit plan in place.  All you need is the will to get yourself out of your current situation ASAP.