Whenever your H makes comments about how SS would love to do this or that I would tell him "why don't you make those plans instead of allowing him to stay in his room, play video games, watch tv, and play outside. That comment "his family under one roof. Not that he actually might spend time with them, but to have them in the vicinity" holds true to many people. As long as the child is under the same roof they feel like that's quality time spent when we all know its not.

So when H pulls that in SS absence, pull that card and make it known that it makes no sense to keep complaining about something if he's not actually doing anything about it (going hiking, movies, shopping, whatever).

Yep. DH is like that. He doesn't get upset if we do something fun without the kids, but he gets mopey if I leave on a weekend the kids are over. He just wants everyone under the same roof.

My thoughts? If my options are to sit at home and do nothing or go out and do something, then I'm going to go out and do something. I sit on my backside all week, so when the weekend hits, I just want to go do something that doesnt involve staring at my four walls.

I would call him out every time he is mopey, or stop inviting him out with you. You get it; he's sad and misses his son. But dumping his emotional baggage on you doesnt make things better. He needs to figure out how to be happy, or he's going to see what it's really like to be alone.

It is for sure a thing...and it's 'hella weird' as my skids used to say.

My DH still wants skids here...even when he's not here. Just dealt with this over Thanksgiving. I also wrote a post about DH wanting to set up little cabins for his precious little darlings at our eventual retirement ranch...just in case they ever need a place to be. 

Not. Happening. 

It's the worst phenomenon I think. 

"By day 3 or 4 he is moping around, making comments about how he misses SS, and if we go to the movies, or out to dinner, or for a hike, or shopping, he makes comments about how much SS would love to be doing this, and how he is probably just laying around BM's house"

This is soooo annoying and unattractive to me. You can't go 3 or 4 days without seeing your kid before you're moping around like a lovesick schoolgirl? Does he really think you want to hear about how SS would like to do everything you are doing?

My SO did this once during the summer when Crazy has skids for 9 days in a row (she has them more during summer), and It took every ounce of strength I had not to roll my eyes. Which part do you miss, SS sitting in his room playing video games, Or skids being annoying and constantly asking us to take them places? Several times we have gone on trips without skids, and my SO will be sitting there taking a video of whatever cool thing we are doing to send to SS. So he's not even paying attention to what's actually happening around us, because he's so focused on making sure it's taping, and then trying to get the video to go through to SS. I just say, you're missing it, how about you try to enjoy what we're doing now?

I feel for you.

Definitely a thing. I use it on SO at times he is busy puttering around the basment for hours. I head out the door and all the sudden he is at the door, where are you going? I was just heading up stairs.

Re: But the real kicker is that when SS get to our house he goes to his room, plays video games, watches tv, plays outside. There no super bonding going on. He's just there. 

At least yours isn't up your butt the entire time he is there.  The SD's (young adults now) had to be in whatever room we were in, whenever we were in it, with the exception of the bathroom.  I think they were afraid they might miss something.  

But I do understand what you are going through.  It's like you're not enough - he needs SS to make his day complete.

SS is a perfectly nice person. DH & SS barely spoke on daily basis. Like nothing but hello and goodbye. SS moves out and now DH can't believe he is gone. How the hell do you even notice? Weird...

when he and the Gir broke up.  Back of their mind they know the woman they choose to knock up was a bad mother so the lack of control enters into it.  They like to be the Rooster of the coop with all their young uns under their wing.  I found the lack of supervision appalling but yes, just wanted the three ferals to be in his general vicinity and sleeping under his (my) roof.

My H was also like this when the skids were growing up.  After they were grown, looking back, grandchild care was usually left to me and H didn't really spend any real time interacting  with the adult skids.  He seemed to think that as long as they were invited to family functions in my home that that was enough.   He shared no activities or engaged in any pastimes with the adult skids or grandkids that I didn't originate.  Again, he thought just having them in his vicinity was good enough as long as it was made easy for him to do so.   

After I banned the adult skids from my home while they were in their mid 30s for continual horrid and  deplorable behavior, trying to blackmail their father after his mother died over his meager inheritance, H almost couldn't seem to grasp that he should and could  actually try to make an effort to see them outside of my house.  I had disengaged so I no longer reminded him and I no longer cared.  Taking away my home as a place to entertain adult skids made it more difficult for H and he doesn't do difficult.

Just last year H attempted to blame my banning skids from my house  for his lack of a relationship and I tore into him letting him know he could have made an effort to engage with them whenever he wanted  if he had wanted to.  I view that He must not have valued the relationships enough to expend the effort.  

i think I came to the conclusion that Hs thought that he needed to entertain the adult skids in my house as the only way to maintain his relationship when he really didn't interact with them when they were here, was simply a matter of laziness and probably selfishness on the part of H after  watching him parent  or rather not parent our own children.  Although somewhat more engaged with our bios  than the adult Skids, he still always always wanted them close by but was  never  engaged  enough to see if they had really done their homework, brushed their teeth, etc etc etc. (you know actually be an adult who actually  parents them.)

H seemed to like the feeling of family that  having them close by provided but interacting on any meaningful level meant actually parenting his children which my husband never wanted to do because parenting reguires lots of time and effort and is at times non-rewarding. .