How to blend households with new Hubby and Grown Stepchildren
Hello ... first time here. Looking for advice on blending two households. Background: I'm newly married (October 2018) for the first time. Being a first-time bride at 58 is a blessed surprise and my husband is the perfect man for me. (I don't know what all the acronyms [DH, SS, BM, etc.] stand for yet, so please bear with me. I have a grown, married son who lives with his wife in Germany. As his mom, I felt compelled to raise him a certain way: to contribute to the smooth running of the household by doing chores, paying rent when he was working full time, maintaining the yard, etc.
Any way, DH agreed when we got married that he and his two kids (SD22 and SS21) would move into my home since it was bigger. We've been painting and buying new furniture and making plans to redecorate to make my house our home so they don't feel like guests. They moved in three weeks ago and life as I knew it has ceased to exist. I know they were used to living a certain way in their home and I was used to living a certain way in my home, so how do we find a happy medium?
I just get frustrated that there are four adults living in the house and only he and I seem to do anything to maintain it. I know it's only been three weeks, but am I wrong to feel frustrated?
Leaving dirty dishes in the sink when the dishwasher is RIGHT THERE bugs me. I don’t mind my DH putting things in there when he's cooking and I certainly do not mind cleaning up after dinner. That’s how I show my appreciation for a job well done – he cooks, I clean. It’s a no brainer! But how do the kids show their appreciation? SD22 makes playdoh for her work as a pre-school teacher and then puts all the dirty dishes in the sink instead of in the dishwasher – or bakes some treats to take to her BFs house and leaves all the dirty dishes in the sink … Seriously?? So I load the dishwasher, turn it on and let it run. The dishwasher has a light on it when the dishes are clean … so why doesn’t someone put the dishes away so they can then put their dirty dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink? How does anyone expect the dishes get unloaded – the dishwasher fairy?? This is no longer just my DH's house or my house, it’s our house … what worked at his house (using the dishwasher as a "cabinet" and taking clean dishes out when needed and then hand washing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher/cabinet) doesn’t work me, so we need to come up with a system for our house that works for all of us!
SD22 said she would unpack all the kitchen boxes and get the kitchen organized (I don't cook and I was perfectly content with her taking on the task of reorganizing the kitchen to suit their needs!) and yet … it’s still a disaster. I made room in the cabinets for her to do her “thing” but … she’s done the bare minimum. And then she claims she needs “down time” to go spend days and nights at her BFs house because she works full time? She’s been working full time since the beginning of the month and DH and I have been working full time for decades!! And then there’s the trash can. Sigh .. when it’s overflowing, take it out of the can and down to the garbage can on the patio (preferred) or outside on the deck. Don’t just let it keep overflowing or put a second trash bag in the dog food can, especially since it’s right at the entry to the kitchen and so unsightly! When I want to do laundry on Saturday it’s difficult when someone else has left their laundry in the washer or dryer and I have to take it out and fold it before I can use it! And then there’s the “leftovers” that get brought home, shoved into the fridge and never eaten that I have to clean out when mold starts to grow! It’s just little things that add up.
Boxes and bins are everywhere in my house, and no one seems the least bit anxious about getting them unpacked or stored.
And don’t get me started on people leaving lights on … ☹
I understand blending two households and two ways of doing things isn't easy, and I’m working really hard to be more understanding of the way his family has always done things and to be more flexible. I just wish he could be a little more understanding of the way I did things and move a bit towards my direction. I want us to find a happy meeting point where we can all happily maintain the family unit! I know that day will come, I’m just anxious to get there sooner rather than later.
I just don't want to take out my frustration on my DH who is the sweetest, kindest man on the planet, but ...
Any advice for a brand new step mom?
Sadly, you should have asked
Sadly, you should have asked for advice in September of 2018..
It can't be THAT bad? can it?
It can't be THAT bad? can it? Sigh ... they've never tried to break up this relationship, they've never said anything bad about me or to me. SD22 has even said me relationship with her dad is the healthiest relationship he's ever had.
Lol
I was laughing so hard I had to vomit. Seriously get these adults out of your home, stat! Believe it when steptalkers tell you, this only gets worse. You will see a whole new side of your husband if you dare cross his daughter, especially. The sooner you set the rules in regards to them launching, the better off you will be. Take charge, and hurry.
This is a new issue
I have not had a conversation with the SKs or DH yet ... the frustration just reached a boiling point last night, and rather than rant and rave like a mad woman (which I was!), I took the night to collect my thoughts. My plan is to call a family meeting and discuss expectations for this new blended family and to determine the best course of action to have a happy family life. I don't want to be the wicked stepmother, and I think if ground rules are established (something I probably should have done before they moved in) we can learn to coexist.
1. It's your home and
1. It's your home and kitchen.. the kids are temporary (moving this summer right?).. unpack and organize your own kitchen. If there are too many sets of things from combining the household.. have the kids box their stuff up for use at their next place and store it in the garage.
2. i understand that financially nova is a bit tough for housing prices.. but the kids could certainly be renting somewhere with other friends their age in similar circumstances. I think that you and your DH need to discuss this situation and set some agreed upon milestones. Like.... The kids can stay here for 6 more months and they will pay $600 dollars per month each for rent. We will use 100 of that from each of them to pay for a couple of rounds of a housekeeper while they are here and you will put the remaining funds in escrow to them to return upon their move out. (that would give them up to 3k per person to help establish that next household) If the condo works out.. great.. otherwise.. they need to figure out an alternative. Your DH needs to find out from his tenant whether they will be vacating in the summer or not... or inform them that their lease will not be renewed.. (with the option if they want to get out of the lease early.. they can because your DH's kids could move in earlier).
3. I'm sure that some of the things you are experiencing are typical with 4 adults in the home.. shoot,... I leave laundry in the dryer and don't babysit my laundry.. but it's just me doing it.. if I had other roommates.. that could be annoying. But, I think that you need to stop fuming and start communicating. It doesn't have to be a big showdown/beatdown either. I think you can have a talk with your DH and explain some of your concerns.. and can he back you up on reminding people to not leave things in the sink (that seems to be a big one right?)...
4. Invest in some of those light switches that come on with movement and are on an automatic off timer? I know you shouldn't have to remind the kids (adults).. but if they were never taught to do differently.. then.. well.. you have to. Kids who don't pay utility bills tend to not have a very good understanding of utility usage. Just ask my YSD who had an electric bill approaching 300 dollars once.. her BF was cranking up the heat.. and she is now the miser queen at keeping her bill low..haha.
If you have a decent relationship with the kids.. I owuld have no issue just on a case by case basis telling them stuff.. like the girl leaving her dough dishes in the sink.. "Honey..can you come wash up your dishes and put them in the dishwasher".. She probably will say yes.. and just do it. You can even be a bit self depreciating and say... "gosh.. it's just one of those things that drives me up the wall.. dishes in the sink... gahhh.. I just can't get past it.. drives me nuts sorry"
Thanks
Thanks, Esmod, for the advice. I'm normally quite level headed and went into this marriage knowing life would change. This is exactly the kind of advice I came on here to find. I think I just needed to vent to get it all out of my system so I could be rational when I got home!
On the bright side... it
On the bright side... it sounds like you get along with the kids. It also sounds like they just sort of picked up a different rhythm of doing things... like using the dishwasher as a cupboard. This is much more bachelor pad behavior.. most likely picked up from your dear husband (DH). So, while you don't want to blow up at them... certainly don't be a shrinking violet about letting them know if something needs to be done differently. (though.. after 15 years together, my DH still doesn't unload the dishwasher and just piles stuff in the sink.. or puts dirty dishes in with the clean..ughh!). The solution may be that these kids just need to work towards their exit plan. They both seem to now be gainfully employed.. it is probably time they start thinking about their impending independence.
Shoot, maybe even take a page from my parent's book. When I was 19, I decided to drop out of college (well.. the decision was mutual with the school who wanted to have a student that would actually.. well.. attend school). I came home and the deal was that I was to get a full time job and move out.. now we lived in NOVA at the time.. Alexandria. I worked full time.. no car. My folks helped me get into an apartment that was on a public transportation line. They even helped me with a little bit towards rent as well.. to make the ends meet. They wanted me to experience living on a limited income.. on my own.. paying my bills etc... It was worth it to have me out of the house to help me with a couple of hundred a month to teach me the lesson.. and to not let me coast. A couple years of that and I was ready to return to school.. eventually even got a masters.
But, I think living independently was important once I was an adult (or thought I was).. it also taught me to take care of myself and not rely on mom to do stuff for me. Sure.. I still saw my mom fairly regularly.. she would give me the occasional ride to the store etc.. but I was mostly on my own.
So.. pointing these kids up and out is as good for you two as it is for them.
I've always had a good
I've always had a good relationship with both kids (more so the daughter). SD22 even called ME first when her then boyfriend committed suicide two years ago! She relied on me to comfort her while I contacted her dad and others. It was a dreadful time. BM is not in the picture for the most part, so SD22 has usually looked up to me as the type of mom she wished she had had. Sigh ... I get it. You're right about the "bachelor pad" vibe they picked up from DH. I just needed to vent to people who may have been in similar situations to get some time and distance for the emotional me to get to the rational me. I'm sure it will all work out once we have the family meeting (but I will be conferring with DH in advance so I know he has my back!). Thanks, ESMOD.
Me too
Munchkin SD12 always calls ME when at school and there is a problem. She asks me for permission to do things, and has told me and others that she thinks of me like a second mom.
But I still have frustrations, and I have communicated them to her. I try to be gentle, but sometimes Im just...not. Typically she just does the whole "oh ok, Ill do that later." And then her mother picks her up, or she forgets or whatever.
But when the eldest was living with us, she was SUCH a slob! Her room was disgusting and dirty, she had no job throughout highschool, and no social life, and would want to "couch camp" which we did not allow - you know - lay on the couch watching movies all day, with a glass of juice, a water glass, tissues, allergy medicine, socks thrown down. Just yucky.
Definitely communicate, be calm, and repeat as necessary. Since SD has a job - she can pay something towards rent. I love the idea of saving the $$$ they give you as down payment for their own place, but if they are going to move into dh Condo then they wont need it (vacation for you and DH! lol)
But these two are adults, they MUST do their share of housework. This is responsible parenting, its too bad you are on your own in this.
I think you should have a
I think you should have a talk with your husband before you call a family meeting to discuss all of this. It might be better for HIM to let the kids know they need to start pulling their own weight around the house, and for him to present the new household rules (with you present, of course, to make sure he actually does it). It should also be up to him to make sure that the rules are followed and his kids are pulling their weight. I would also try to get firm agreement on the fact that the adult kids are going to be moving out come summer. What one can tolerate in a temporary situation with an end in sight is quite different from what one is willing to live with long term.
The only way this will be
The only way this will be temporary is if you put your foot up all three of their asses. Quit cleaning up after them. Bag their dirty crap and put it on their beds with a note to make sure they clean up after themselves. Same with the clothes they leave in the laundry machines. If it is wet and in the washer, bag it up, seal it, and let it molder on their beds. In the dryer... bag it up and dump it.
If they fail to gain clarity with this method then inform them that going forward their personal effects that are left out will be put on the curb and not replaced. If they can't use the kitchen and kithen utensils appropriately and clean and put it all away... then put locks on the cabinets and let them starve.
No tolerance works wonders on these types of people.
Most importantly... when are the adult Skids launching and moving out?
Nip this in the bud pronto.
Nip this in the bud pronto. The worst mistake you can make is clean up after them which sets an expectation that they have a free housekeeper on staff while they laze about doing things they enjoy. This will cause you abject misery particularly if your DH gets defensive and blames you for daring to suggest that his children should actually do something. Discuss the allocation of household tasks with your DH then call a family meeting before you get stuck with basement-dwellers.
You gotten great advice, OP.
You gotten great advice, OP. All.I can add is don't encourage the unpacking and don't make the skids feel too comfortable. Leave the stuff boxed up and just move it to the garage. Let things feel temporary, because they are only temporary.
Thanks
I had already decided I'm NOT doing anything else ... I moved my DH into the master bedroom, which last night became my "sanctuary" from the chaos. SD22 said she would unpack and organize the kitchen and I'm holding her to that. I've done what I can. I think it's important to have the family meeting to discuss expectations so they know where I'm coming from when those expectations aren't met. I know this living situation is temporary, but in the meantime it has to be comfortable for all of us. And, when the do move into DH's condo, they need to have the skills to maintain the condo!!
How are you handling the finances?
Is he paying rent to you for all 3 of them? And their share of utilities?
We just moved in together two
We just moved in together two weeks ago, but yes, he will be paying half the mortgage and the kids will be paying a modest rent to cover expenses (the same my son paid when he lived at home and worked full time!).
Here's another tactic:
Tell your DH that you've reconsidered - since there are THREE of them living in your home, DH will be expected to pick up 3/4 of the mortgage and utilities each month. If he wants to get the skids to pay him directly in order to come up with that sum so be it. I'll bet your DH will be very interested in getting them out and on their own much more quickly when he sees his bank balance go down each month!
Just because your son paid a "modest" rent does not mean that these two ADULTS need the same deal. Your house, your finances, your son are not the same as your new DH and these two ADULTS.
You don't want to be in the position where you will have to be the bad guy and go after them for whatever they are supposed to pay.
I agree that you really better make sure your finances are kept separate and that your legal stuff is in order. God forbid if something happens to you, or if this situation doesn't resolve itself you need to be protected.
I also agree that there are plenty of places for these two to eventually live - find a place (with roommates if necessray) by a distant Metro station, VRE, or be a slug - there are plenty of options for getting to work in the DCA area.
I don't see a huge reason for
I don't see a huge reason for OP to upset the apple cart completely and come in as cruella deville their new stepmonster... changing all the rules and agreements.
It's fairly clear that OP has allowed her own child to have the same "soft" exit from her home that her husband wants to offer to his own children. That's great and all fine if things go according to plans.
It doesn't sound like these are terrible kids.. just that they weren't raised to do things the way OP is used to doing them in her home. They seem to be typically a bit slack in the housekeeping dept.. but they don't appear to be hostile or trying to actually cause problems. They don't even know their actions ARE problems because they just haven't heard any different.
I definitely would have a behind closed doors meeting with her husband to clear the air a little. Clearly OP hasn't made her preferences clear to anyone yet.. and assuming people can read your mind.. well, you just can't. So.. she says.. in the nicest way possible that "I know your kids (and you) don't mean to be bothersome.. I love your kids to death.. but It does drive me crazy when the dishwasher isn't emptied.. or dishes just hang out in the sink. There are a lot of us in the house and we need to be mindful that others need to use the same space and appliances that we do.. like the laundry.. needs to not sit in the machines because there are 3 others that may need to use it. Can we talk to the kids about a few ground rules? nothing overwhelming.. just things like "make a mess.. clean it up immediately... no dishes in the sink.. laundry needs to be promptly moved through the loads. etc.."
Also, I am fine with our current cost sharing arrangement as long as the kids stay with us is brief. I know they are probably just as anxious to be out from under their parent's roof too.. and I know you are looking at the condo being a good option. So.. if they stay with us for up to the next 9 months (next summer).. the financial deal and their contribution can go as planned.. but I might suggest that you enforce a savings plan in that time.. maybe 500/month per kid that you can hold for them so they have a real nest egg when they leave.. to help them get started on the right foot. However, if they need to stay with us longer, the household finances including mortgage, utilities, taxes etc.. will be split 4 ways.. and I will pay 1/4 and you and your kids will pay 3/4 until such time that they decide they have found a place to move. Again.. I love your kids and am not trying to push them out of the nest with no warning or in anger.. but I think you want your kids to start their own adult lives and that learning to take care of themselves independently is all part of that process. They both seem to be well launched in their jobs.. so by next summer.. especially if you are able to help them save.. they should be in great shape to be out on their own. And we can enjoy our empty nest.. if you know what I mean wink wink.
There are many examples of
There are many examples of contracts online and articles about living with adult children. Spend sometime with Google and find them. You might have things going on we might never think about. Also, you need to have a timeline about them leaving. You did not get married to be psudo mom to a couple of 20somethings. You got married to live and share a life with DH. Hold him to that and get there asap.
It's good to have a safe
It's good to have a safe place to vent. It sounds like these two aren't nearly as bad as what we're used to dealing with. I would make up some house rules or a chore chart. You should be dealing with adults, but these two are children. I would also give DH (Dear Husband) a choice of setting some rules for his spawn or paying for a housekeeper.
First off: this is not a “blended family”...
This is not a blended family. You have been invaded by his family. There is no family of yours to blend.
While many on this site would say you should have asked us first, you are now in fix-it mode.
Fix this now. It will only get worse. Set the rules with DH so you speak as one voice. Call a meeting, articulate your rules ( note I said rules, not expectations) AND set a move out date.
The Talk
Thank you all for your input! I had a chat with DH yesterday afternoon about my concerns and told him he needed to have my back on this. He told me he would always have my back! He, in turn, had a chat with his children. Last night SD22 unloaded the dishwasher, cleaned up after dinner and joined us in the living room to talk about her day and to discuss the plan for unpacking and getting organized this weekend (SS21 wasn't home, but he's been very helpful with the move so far!). When I left the house this morning for work (I'm the last one to leave), there was not a light on in the place. I realize I should have had the chat before they all moved in, but I'm hopeful the issue has been resolved for the time being. I think it's just going to take a bit of time for us to get settled and get into a routine that suits all our needs.
They are basically good kids. Never say anything rude or disrespectful to me. I don't want to turn in to Cruella Da Ville, they already have a crappy mom ... but I want to make sure they are prepared for the big move when it comes.
It sounds like they listened.
It sounds like they listened.. now the thing you need to do is try to positively reinforce the good behavior. It might be a little treat dessert from a bakery.. or some small gift.. or even just a sincere.. Thanks Kids.. I appreciate you emptying the dishwasher.. etc. Thank them and be praiseful of their positive behaviors.. and gently remind when they slip.. and hopefully the next months will go by smoothly
They all moved into your
They all moved into your house because it was bigger? I guess I'm wondering why you all had to live together in the first place if there was already two homes? Coudn't they have continued to occupy their fathers home while he moved in with you? Was it for their convenience to inconvenience you?
You state that you're trying to make them feel at home so they don't feel like guests, well they are guests. They're young adults who should be transitioning onto the next independant phase in their life rather than cozying up with sm and dad.
Yes
We moved into my place because it was bigger and in a better neighborhood. And it doesn't make financial sense to continue to support two households (skids couldn't cover the mortgage and expenses of that house). This allows them to prepare to move into DH's two-bedroom condo that he also owns and rents to a lovely couple who just had their second child and are planning to move out over the summer when the lease is up. They will be able to cover the expenses there.
Did DH sell his house?
Did DH sell his house? Hopefully you guys won't kill each other before summer. Best of luck!