MIL reappears to create drama...just in time for the holidays.
Hi all-
If you were reading my previous posts, my SO decided it would be best to disengage from his family because of their lack of boundaries with BM...its been going okay...until Friday. This is wordy!!! And I feel scatter brained this morning, I apologize if its jumbled.
So turkey day is upon us and it's SO's turn with FSD. We were originally planning to spend Thanksgiving with his family. But because of the blow ups he decided that it should just be the three of us at home. He shared this with his family and of course they are pissed off because they wanted to have their granddaughter...
In the midst of my holiday anxiety, I have been worrying that I will hear from FMIL and she will try to get me to change SO's mind about the holidays...and of course Friday I get a message... " totally weird question do you like vanilla lol".
I screen shotted everything and sent it to SO.I asked SO if it would be okay to respond and he said keep it short and sweet. Well short and sweet turned into " why is SO not letting me know whats going on about christmas" ( NEWS FLASH: he did, he said we would not be attending Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve, that it was his time with his daughter and they can make other arrangements with BM) This sounds ignorant...but if you read my other posts you will understand.
I immediatly regret engaging in this conversation because it was all a ploy--- I then said F it and shared my piece-- I explained that I was tired of the fact that they have had no boundaries, they have not shown SO support and I was tired of every time I hear from FMIL that it was always about BM-- BM this BM that or about FSD2. Never anything like Hey how are YOU? We'd love to have you and SO over.................. I felt GREAT speaking my mind, I have wanted to say something since February but have tried to keep my mouth shut in hopes that things will get better. I said please if you have to discuss anything related to FSD2 and holidays should go directly through SO. Keep me out of it.
Now what does she proceed to say, after I said i was tired of hearing about BM. SHE will always be my daughter and I will never put one person ahead of another.But she wants a relationship with me and if we get married I will become her daughter too but it seems like SO doesn't want me to have a relationship with you. I wonder why???? He's trying to protect me from your toxic BS.
She expressed that she would never turn her grandkids out or her "daughter" and that BM needed a place to stay.I know I talked to BM about this after the fact and she said she didnt know what to do ---- TALK TO SO. HE DOESNT KNOW WHERE HIS DAUGHTER IS SLEEPING AT NIGHT. This situation stemmed the last blow out conversation between SO and FMIL and SO and BM.
Also she then continued to defend BM and she just wants the best for you and SO and she is seeing someone so there is nothing to worry about with SO....she manages to twist my SO and I's need for boundaries to me being an asshole and hating on BM.
I get along with BM we have no issues between the two of us minus the BOUNDARIES, which SO is trying to handle.
I know what everyone is going to say your an idiot for responding. And I am, I respond because I still had a little hope. It makes me sad that I will never have a nice relationship with his family...its not fair. Thats the shitty part about being second and I have not done anything wrong. SO and I talk about having kids of our own and getting married...but why would I want to bring a child into an already toxic situation? Is it possible to disengage from all this shit and just focus on our relatioship not the BS thats surrounding us?
Sorry for the rambling.
Why do you want a
Why do you want a relationship with those aholes? Just block them all and wipe them out of your life.
How do you do that, when this
How do you do that, when this is only the begining-- FSD is only 2 like Im bound to run into them at something???
You just do, because what you
You just do, because what you allow is what will continue.
Sad but sooooooooo true!
We teach people how to treat us but what we allow.
I can tell that you are very nice and I understand hopeful about the situation but you need to look out for yourself no one else will. I sure can understand how you feel wanting a good relationship with SO's family but it sounds like it will be at the expense of your soul!!
Your right, this is just not
Your right, this is just not what I hoped for.
Oof.
Oof.
Okay, first off, there’s a lot of enmeshed relations and boundary stomping going on here. These are HUGE red flags. Do not engage with these people, you owe them nothing.
Yes, you can play nice and be cordial, but you do not need to hold these peoples hands to ensure the holidays are comfy and accommodating and good for them.
You are your SO’s future wife, not the fixer of these people's inter family relations. Omg, just NO. You are being baited into your FMIL’s game. Do not engage. If you don’t have the willpower to not reply to her nonsense - block her phone number.
A lot of us here have future/current/ex family members blocked, because “not my circus, not my monkeys.”
I don’t doubt for a second that it felt good to get that off of your chest with your FMIL. But, now that you’ve done that, you need to pass the torch back to your SO. And it sounds like he would rather be low contact, or no contact with them himself. That’s saying something...
It's not because you are
It's not because you are second, it's because you have toxic in-laws. Life isn't fair when you are a grown up. If you think this man is worth this drama, the only thing you both can do is set clear boundaries on his parents and let go of the rest. For you, that means not engaging with them beyond the civil, if that. You fell right into her trap, even though you saw it coming.
Tog- that seems to be whats
Tog- that seems to be whats happening. Its so hard to disengage. I just wanted things in my 2nd marriage to be better and this is not going in the right direction.
Im realizing that every time
Im realizing that every time she messages me its either to boost BM or create bullshit. And its going to be hard to accept, but it is what it is. I know this is hard on me but I cant imagine how hard this is on SO, he never expected his family to behave like this.
But,
But,
they
are
HIS
family.
I’m sure my DH never imagined his parents would act the way they do, too, but here we are...
Perhaps you should read up on some of my blogs. My DH can barely see his daughter without his parents in tow too. It has taken a toll on our marriage BIG TIME. I doubt I would have married and had children with him if I could have foreseen the problems we have now.
And apparently BM didn’t like MIL while she and DH were married. Guess who likes MIL now? Yep - BM.
Oh god, yes I'll pop over and
Oh god, yes I'll pop over and read your stuff. Im just trying to decide how extreme I should go. Not go to any holidays, birthday parties for family members etc?
You will just have to find
You will just have to find what works for you AND your SO. At this juncture, and you aren’t even married yet, your FMIL is trying to worm her way into your life together, when it comes to gatherings and your future SD. It’s setting off all sorts of alarms with me, as I could have written this myself a handful of years ago.
Pay very close attention to how your SO reacts to their behavior. He may not come out and say anything, but he’s definitely showing you with his actions and comments like “keep it short” when it comes to engaging with his mom.
It took me years to finally figure it out that I was nothing but a meat shield between DH and his toxic mother. He’d rather me deal with her than him.
My DH was the same way, using
My DH was the same way, using me as a shield with his mother. Oh the things she said to me in the beginning. She was big time meddling MIL with BM and her other married kid. Constantly watching all the skids and cousins when they were little. All little monsters with little structure and disicpline. She used to complain about how silly skids would get when she took them for appointments that BM conned her into doing. Looking for answers then not liking my answer. She came into my house and told me how things were going to happen, undermining me in front of the skids and MINE!!! So many struggles because DH could not, would not, didn't see the need to stand up to MIL. Between her and BM , its a wonder we we made it this far.
I had an idea in my head about how I wanted things to be, aka normal. Nothing about it was normal looking back. MIL and BM are two peas in a pod and fed off each other ramping up the drama back then. DH wanted to back off but expected me to just accept it all to make life easier for him. I finally snapped and cut them all off and dumped it on to him. I read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and recommend it for you too. Anything that has to do with your family of origin (FOO) is your responsiblity to handle, as it is for DH. Put that into effect right now. Holidays bring out the worst in these types. Stay strong. Don't let the crazy in. Own it if it yours to own otherwise let it be. If SO doesn't like the way you handle these people , then tell him to handle it as he should be doing all along.
You really don't want to marry someone who doesn't have your back with his family. Luckily my DH figured that out.
You guys are amazing! Thank
You guys are amazing! Thank you so much for the advice and the support. SO has been very firm about limiting interaction with FMIL,I have to let it go this is out of my control and its not my fault they are acting this way. I have to keep reminding myself that. SO is reiterating the plan for Christmas on Wednesday...I wonder what hell thats going to unleash.