SS Sleeping at Our Place for Thanksgiving??!!
So...
This is a new one. Wondering if anyone here has ever had to deal with something like this.
DH and I are going out of town for Thanksgiving...spending the week with some friends. All three skids plus OSD's BF are coming into town for the holiday to spend it with BM and that side of the family.
We leave Tuesday...so tonight I mentioned that tomorrow I'm going to ask the neighbor if she'd put out food for the cats and dog (for those who don't know...I have feral cats that I feed and our neighborhood has a stray dog. These are not my animals...if they were, I'd board them. But I do care about them.)
Anyway. DH says: "Oh, no need. I've told SS he can stay here while we're away, so he can put out food for the animals."
I'm super annoyed by this for many reasons:
1. We recently redid the second bedroom as my office and the basement room as a second workspace for DH. This means that OUR BED is literally the only bed in the home.
2. I wasn't planning to clean up my office before Thanksgiving (I have papers / budget stuff everywhere right now.) Now I will have to...because I don't want it all lying out with SS over.
3. SS just isn't very reliable, nor does he have a lot of common sense. I'd not be surprised if I came home to some sort of disaster.
This is really the last thing I wanted to worry about. I mentioned the bed thing to DH and feeling weird about it...and DH says: "I'll change the sheets and bedding before we go to be sure SS has clean sheets to sleep on..."
Um...thanks, DH? That's not really what I was worried about. I feel SO WEIRD about having SS in MY bed...of course he'll get clean sheets...but how do I get the image of a grown-ass man-child sleeping in my bed out of my head? Gross.
If BM wants to have all her babies in town for Thanksgiving but doesn't have room for them all...why does that obligate ME to host one of her brats in MY bed?? Why can't she get a hotel room...or tell the brats to get hotels? My home is not a hotel!!!
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Id be pissed. About the bed,
Id be pissed. About the bed, about them staying there when I'm not there. Bio parents dont get it. Who wants irresponsible skids in their house. Sorry
"Sorry, DH, but that's not
"Sorry, DH, but that's not going to work."
NOT okay for him to make a unilateral decision. How is SS going to get in? Code? Change it before you leave.
This is not Up to SO
You have a say, in who stays in your home when you are away. Do you want SS going through your things, papers, bank accounts , any information he can gather when he there alone, or with friends, do you believe that he will not take anything. Or distroy things, pictures, jewelry your unmentioned. Just tell SO. NO! NO! SS is not staying in your home. Period
I'm not worried that SS would
I'm not worried that SS would go through my stuff, take anything, or destroy anything on purpose. He's really a decent kid. He's just a space cadet...so I wouldn't be surprised if he left a faucet running all week or left the oven on or the fridge door open or something.
We've had him stay here before and watch the animals...when we had a separate bed for him. He didn't permanently ruin anything, but there were some interesting messes. Like...a pancake batter explosion in the kitchen that I actually wrote about here :-/
Mostly right now, the ick factor of him sleeping in my bed is what I'm upset about.
Also...the truth is...I'm betting SS won't really stay here that much. Last Christmas, we had 3 unused beds and all 3 skids plus the BF stayed together at BM's dinky 2-bedroom apartment. I think they used couches and air mattresses...and they told us that they'd love to stay with us...but BM "doesn't have anyone..." (as they were heading out the door after our amazing dinner and present exchange).
Anyway...say all this to say...I am guessing that SS did not ask to stay here. I'm sure it was DH's idea and that he pressed SS to stay here...because DH is weirdly, weirdly obsessed with having the skids in his house...even if he's not there. Again...I didn't mind when we had a room / bed for him
The reason I'm not pitching a total fit is because my bet is that SS will say...sure I'll stay there and feed the animals...but he'll end up just coming over to feed the animals and will stay at his mom's with his siblings...
PS - I'm sorry I called you a
PS - I'm sorry I called you a moron or a troll on that other post. I get defensive of other stepmoms...especially when a poster only comments and doesn't post blogs of his/her own. We get a lot of meanies around here. But I don't know you or your motives and I shouldn't have done that.
(I also get tired of the very BM-centric idea that CS/the ex-husband is supposed to cover all the costs of raising the kid. So your comment triggered me :-/)
Is be mad he made the
Is be mad he made the decision without you. I’d tell him I was not comfortable with it and SS is going to have to sleep at his BM’s.
I agree with the others. He
I agree with the others. He should not have made the decision without asking you first. I hate it when DH does stuff like that too. SS can sleep on the floor at BM's house. He does not need to be staying at yours unsupervised.
My situation is different, but if SD18 or SS14 (whenever he is grown) ever wanted to stay in my house overnight without DH or me, the answer would be a definite no from me. And, if DH tried to coerce me into saying yes, I would remind him that we have had hundreds/thousands of dollars of repairs due to both SD and SS flooding our bathrooms (imagine if we weren't home when that happened). They are not responsible and will either forget to lock up or lose their keys (we've had to replace locks 5 times already). And, finally, DH must think SS is a thief or just not trust him (I have a tendency to leave loose change or a few dollars on the dining table or kitchen island and DH will always collect that money right before SS comes for the week).
Tell DH he can stay there if
Tell DH he can stay there if he sleeps on the couch and not in your bed, and if he cleans up after himself. If he doesn't do those two things, which are perfectly reasonable, you will no longer agree to have him stay there.
(Also, why not capture the stray dog and take him to a shelter to be adopted? And the cats too?)
I don't know if you've ever
I don't know if you've ever dealt with feral cats before...but they aren't adoptable. That's why most shelters have Trap, Neuter, Release programs for feral cats. These three have had all their shots and been fixed, but there's no way they'd ever be a 'house pet' for someone...they're wild animals.
As for the dog, we tried to fix him up and get him rehomed...really hard...but it didn't take. He is also not adoptable.
Since my DH and I write and do video production, we traded a video with a local veterinarian and dog trainer to try to rescue the dog. When he came back from the trainer, he stayed in our home / backyard with us for about a month (until our elderly dog died, actually) and then reverted to his old ways. I can still get a leash around him, so I still take him in to be groomed and get his shots / medications. I feed him and give him flea, tick, and heartworm protection...and he had heartworms, which are now completely gone. So I feel good about saving his life...but wasn't able to turn him into a pet.
Here's the video:
https://vimeo.com/240831449
I knew the cats wouldn't be
I knew the cats wouldn't be adoptable, but I didn't want to be speciesist, lol. But around where I live, a stray dog would not be allowed to remain loose, so I was surprised.
lol.
lol.
They're not allowed around here, either...but the whole neighborhood has kind of adopted the dog...who is super sweet and loving. Just won't allow petting and won't live indoors (when I say that I mean...we've tried and he's fine for a while but at night will start yelping his head off to be let out.)
He'll come inside if it's raining, which is good.
But...this is why we don't really need SS to deal with the animals. I could just as easily let a neighbor know we'll be gone so they can feed him. And I can leave a bunch of kibble out for the cats...they still hunt...
Couldn't he just live in
Couldn't he just live in someone's backyard most of the time, and come in when it rains? (Sorry, I'm stuck on the pooch and not the content of the blog).
lol...it's totally OK and a
lol...it's totally OK and a fair question. I've had people just passing through give me a doghouse or lecture me about leaving "my dog" out in the front yard...and I jsut sigh and send them the video link.
We do put him in our backyard. He always gets out and / or starts yelping hysterically to be let out. I don't know what happened to him...but believe me when I say, he has zero interest in being anyone's pet. I could take him to the shelter...and I have no doubt they'd put him down because he's not adoptable.
Instead...he's alive, heartworm-free, fed, he goes on walks with other dogs when our neighbors take them out for a walk, and he gets regular vet treatments and grooming...it's about the best we can do :)
NO is a complete sentence.
NO is a complete sentence. You have bankrolled your DH and his Disney Dad-ing for years. I've tried to be supportive of your marriage because you weren't sure how you felt, but your last few blogs make it clear: you feel used.
Now you're going to let DH use you AGAIN to let his grown son sleep in your marital bed - the bed your DH likely expects you to have sex with him in after you specifically change the sheets from his son sleeping there?
"No DH, and how dare you open up OUR home to your kids without consulting me first. You better tell SS that he cannot stay here, and your explanation better not involve throwing me under the bus. It was YOUR mistake for telling him that he could use OUR house without consulting me first. How extremely rude and inconsiderate of you."
True, LD.
True, LD.
I am feeling used and just...worn down and worn out. I don't think this is entirely DH's fault. He's really great in so many ways. I just think I'm not cut out for the life that he wants...that I want different things overall. Like more family time, less 'excitement' (i.e. risk), more rootedness...I'm not sure. In my 20's and 30's I was all about travel and adventure. Now that I'm in my late-30's, I'm wanting to settle down more, I guess.
I would buy an air mattress
I would buy an air mattress and set that up in the living room. Lock the bedroom door.
I freaking hate when my dh makes unilateral decisions that require me to think of something fast or just go along with his shitshow.
lol.
lol.
Amen.
Actually...your air mattress comment has me thinking of another unilateral decision DH made. He GAVE an air mattress that we bought for a production to SS when we were done. Whatever...he'll probably get more use out of it than we would.
Perhaps I will suggest this today. Assuming the space cadet hasn't already bust it somehow. Like maybe he tossed an axe on it after doing yardwork, like he did with my good canvas camping chair...
First I would tell your DH
First I would tell your DH that you don't want anyone besides yourselves sleeping in your bed. If SS is to stay there.. he either sleeps on the couch or you buy one of those aerobeds to set up in the living room. I would also be likely to want to put locks on my bedroom and the office so that there would be no room for error. The other stuff, the possible messes etc..? make it clear that your DH is 100% responsible for any fallout you find in the home when you return. Then type up instructions for animal feeding and go on your trip. In the end, it's "just stuff".. perhaps with time SS will gain some measure of responsiblity?
Yes - SS has gotten a lot
Yes - SS has gotten a lot better. He'll be 21 this year and still has his moments, but overall is far more responsible. I'm very much an 'it's just stuff' person in general...but I do value my privacy and the sanctity of my space. For me the entire issue is the bedroom and my office...if it weren't for that I'd have absolutely no problem with SS staying here.