My son’s wedding
Just a rant, no way to fix it! My son got married last week. My SS 34 and his wife chose not to attend, not to even RSVP and of course no card, gift, or call. Neither acknowledged any of the Facebook pictures. I have to say this hurts my feelings especially with all the birthday, Christmas, and other activities I do for them and their kids. Ive given them lots of furniture when we combined households and they acted like it was from DH instead of me! DH and I have been married 7 years so it isn’t like me and my kids are new in their lives either. Now Christmas and Thanksgiving are coming and they will expect us to give, give, give but I really don’t feel like it now. They have only had us to dinner once in 7 years. I mentioned to DH my son said they didn’t RSVP but he just said he wasn’t surprised. My complaint is with my daughter in law mostly. Women know more and handle these type of things in most families. I’m just tired of reaching out and getting no warmth in return.
So stop doing anything for
So stop doing anything for them. It's obviously not getting you anything but frustration. Let your husband handle anything related to his son, and make sure you are not paying for it. And stop putting most of the blame on your DIL. In many relationships, each spouse handles their own family. That's how my parents did it, and that's how my SO and I handle things. There have been times when I've reminded my SO multiple times of something related to his family and he's done nothing. Not my problem, and I'd hate to think that I'm getting the blame for that.
It is really rude not to RSVP
It is really rude not to RSVP to an event like that, but the rest does not surprise me. I would stop doing or paying for anything for them, from here on out. Let your husband take care of own kids and grandkids. If they want to act like it is all from just your husband, then it might as well be.
Yeah, no need for you to
Yeah, no need for you to knock yourself out.
You probably will serve yourself better if you lose the thoughts you have on 'it's usually the woman's that do this or that in the family'. You're not in a traditional family this time around and being part of a stepfamily the relationships hinge on two way streets (aka, both sides desiring to put as much effort into the relationship).
Your SS and his wife , for whatever reason, are not as thoughtful, kind and generous in participating in family relationships as you have been. So yes, stand back and let your DH deal with that part of the family. All the fussing over holidays, birthdays, Christmas and gift giving is now (or should be) all on him. If Dh has been allocating that 'job' to you when it comes to his son, DIL and grandkids, he'll just have to start remembering it is his responsibility.
You're tried, you're taken your SM task to heart and it's not being appreciated and/or returned in kind. So let it go. Worry over your own son and his new bride, your home an your relationship as a couple with your DH.
Even in a traditional family
Even in a traditional family - it's not the woman's responsibility to manage her husband's relationships with his family.
My MIL said this to me once, about how her sons don't send her anything on Mother's Day or her birthday, and they even HAVE WIVES (that would be me) who should be doing it for them. Nope, sorry MIL, that's DH's job, not mine. And perhaps she should question why? Because she was abusive.
That being said, if an invite came addressed to me AND DH, I would RSVP because it was in my name. But don't make your daughter in law responsible here - this is 2018. Men can take care of themselves now.
Write them off. Done. Don't
Write them off. Done. Don't waste another moment of your life or another penny of your money on people who treat you like dirt. Just use common sense in dealing with aholes. Common sense says avoid people like this.
Consider them what they are
Consider them what they consider you---now, nothing...... It is hard to accept and even harder to believe, but you are dealing with the same insanity most of us try to stomach. Not interacting with these vipers are your salvation; your only peace. You are not dealing with reasonable people who are capable of treating you civily.
You are a sweet, thoughtful person
... but they aren't. Normal people RSVP and reciprocate. Ungrateful, selfish jerks just TAKE, and make you feel bad. Go with your instinct & don't gift them this time.
Take yourself to a pedicure instead!!! Get some Christmas toenails. You'll smile every time you see'em.
Thank you, you are right. I’m
Thank you, you are right. I’m actually thinking about going shopping Thanksgiving evening so when SS brings his kids over for me to watch while he watches tv with his dad, I won’t be here, ha ha.
Let your DH manage everything
Let your DH manage everything to do with his family. Presents, invites, everything. I used to go overboard hoping for a blended family, but those days are long gone. My kids are not yet married but I doubt they will even invite SD and her family to their weddings....they have not seen SD in 7 or 8 years and have never seen her children. She made it clear I was not family. She got her wish and now lives on the periphery of MY FAMILY.
Understand
I have similar situation except we have been married 25 years. I had expectations I'm not going to get. I know what I have done and have mostly let go of the blended family crap I'm afraid.
Why is a woman more
Why is a woman more responsible than a man for joint bad manners and behaviour?
Are you giving your SS a pass and targetting your DIL instead?
They both seem equally crass and rude in my opinion - especially not at least to RSVP.
It is your choice to give.
You can give without an expectation of anything.
Or you can look to be acknowledged and rewarded for what you do.
Your choice.
However, with these people who do not seen to acknowledge your existence or that of your son with the merest common decency, I would tend to write off such people.
They aren't worth the effort you are putting in to the relationship.
You are right, I am giving
You are right, I am giving him a pass and more break than he deserves. I am nothing to them really so I need to accept that. I never get a phone call, they even asked DH if I would give their daughter piano lessons (free of course and we bought the materials and I never got any acknowledgement for that either). It lasted about 5 months- she wasn’t interested in piano. They don’t give me or my husband much for Christmas but ask us to get their kids nice things and SS never hesitated to say what he wants. We have a joint account so I do pay and can’t stop that. I will just stop offering them anything I have a choice about though. If they financially weren’t able to do things it would be a different story but they are, and just choose to not care about us.
Be grateful they weren't at
Be grateful they weren't at your son's wedding. My SD caused a big scene at my DD's wedding--over I'm not sure what.