Boyfriends kids do not like me
I've been my my Bf for little over 3 years now. We are considering getting engaged soon, but there is one issue. His 11 year old twin daughters can not stand me.
I met the kids a year after we started dating, and his girls have hated me since. Any time I try to talk to them, or do something nice for them, I am met back with attitude or disrespect. I kid you not, his daughters act like the those suck up teenage girls from Mean Girls. Ugh!
Their behaviour only got worse when I moved in with him. My guess is that they probably felt threatened by my presence or thought I am trying to take their dad way from them. I have no such intentions at all. My BF has explained to them that just because he loves me does not mean he loves them any less. I've asked them if there is anything I can do for them to make things easier for them; they have told me to just stay away from them.
BF has gotten upset about their behaviour, the taken privileges away, grounds them, sends them to their rooms, gives them more chores, but noting seems to deter them. If anything it only makes them act out worse. In their minds, my guess is that they believe I'm somehow responsible for this, but I have noting to do with it. It is them acting out and BF parenting them.
His son(14) is polite, but cold with me. He has even go to BF that he does not care whether I'm around or not; he is only their to be with him, but if he has to assoicate with me, he will. He forces himself to be civil with me. I can live with that though.
I do leave the house, so he can have quality time with them, but when he includes me his daughter do not look pleased at all and his son just looks likes he's done.
Bf and his ex have custody 50:50 and they co-parent well together.
I see myself getting married to him and having children of our own, but I don't see us living a happy life due to his kids. I've read about how stepkids can ruin marriages, and I feel like his kids, especially daughters will try to get me out of the picture.
I do not want to end things with him, I love him and I do not want to give his daughters the idea that "they've won".
Any advice would be much appreciated
He has raised kids that are
He has raised kids that are disrespectful to you , an adult in their father's life. He might be trying but he's not getting thur to them. Why???? Once you figure that out, you might see a change in them.
I would give yourself a deadline to see a change in them. Marrying this guy and having kids with him will be difficult and full of heartbreak. You will not have a happy blended situation. His kids might be like this to anyone his dates and desires to get close to. He needs to get to the bottom of this to have any hope of a more pleasant looking future. As it stands now, IMO he is stlll doing it half assed.
Why noting is working? I do
Why noting is working? I do not know. I've been noting but kind to them and they are treating me like I don't exist. At least is son will acknowledge me, but it does bother me a little bit that it's "forced".
If you don't mind me asking, how would I find this out? Is there anything I should do? I understand that my BF should ask. It's just I really do want this to work.
I'm going to give it a month. If there is still no change in a month, I will end it.
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through this.
If you are setting a month, please, for your own sanity stick to it. Do not come up with reasons to extend that deadline.
My guess is it will not get better in a month's time. If it hasn't yet it likely never will. And if you want to have children of your own, with your bf, it will likely get worse. Potentially with catastrophic consequences. Honestly, do you want your babies to suffer the same treatment - or worse?
A month is the max. No more
A month is the max. No more no less.
You're probably right, if it hasn't gotten better in the 2 years of me being in their lives, what's going to suddenly happen in a month. Guess I'm just really hopeful that things change. I've always been too stubborn for my own good.
Just treat them like they do
Just treat them like they do not exist either.
I can do that, and only
I can do that, and only associate with them if they initiate it?
First time dating someone with kids. I want to have all of my basis covered
Need more details?
What do you mean, try to talk to them? They should be civil to you, but should not be forced to answer intrusive questions. If you say hello, how are you, fine, how are you is a polite answer. I would lay off of asking questions like how was school, or even worse, how did you do on the math test. You are not a parent, lay off. You deserve civility, but you do not have a parental role.
When I "talk to them" I meant
When I "talk to them" I meant basic small talk.
"Hello" "How are you?". His son will at least respond. His daughters just pretend they did not here me and continue on their merry way.
Their dad will ask them if they heard me and they end up denying it. Bf knows they're lying, they get consequences, but nothing changes
Still don't understand
Is it hello, how are you? Or more? You say you want to something nice for them? IMHO, you need to take two steps back.
Your suspicions are dead on.
Your suspicions are dead on. They feel threatened by you and your relationship with their dad.
The best advice I can give you is don't try to hard with them.
The son sounds like, though he doesn't care for you, he has enough respect to be civil. Thank God for that.
Unfortunately I only see the daughters getting worse. It's very common for girls to feel like they are entitled to all of their fathers attention and that has no bearing on you as a person. Try not to expect much for them or be too hard on yourself. They are likely to get worse in tel heir behavior as they age and will definitely find a way to make everything your fault. "Dad only acts this way because of HER!"
Your SO is doing great to discipline them. That is all he can do, he can't control their reactions.
To save yourself future misery I recommend detaching yourself from the girls but remaining cordial.
If you truly love your SO this won't be an easy thibg, but it will save you from misery. Don't put your hopes for a future marriage on the back burner simply because the kids don't like you. You are in a relationship with your SO not his kids.
So get married, have kids if you want-eventually his kids will move out and you won't have to endure their behavior. I'd they try to antagonize you-ignore them. Your mental well being is more precious than their insecurities and tantrums.
I agree with the others if
I agree with the others if nothing has changed so far doing the same thing will most likely lead to the same results. I don't have personal experience with skids that don't like me but after reading your responses and that you've made a timeline I'd say disengage and see if you can live with that approach. Maybe you're trying too hard and stepping back and disengaging will help and they'll change their mind or maybe you'll just never be close but can learn to love under the same roof.
The other advice that I'd give that I do have experience with us that if you can't live with it now definitely leave because their behaviors will most likely get worse in the next year or two with puberty.
Why do you have to ask them
Why do you have to ask them "How are you?" why not use DH as a go between? when you enter a room or they come home, ask DH "how is your DD? Did she have a good day?" ask right in front of SD so that DH has to be a go between and ask SD how was your day? then you look polite and he gets the snooty eye roll.
This post is completely
This post is completely relatable.
My husband's daughter has hated me since day one despite my best efforts. I had to totally disengage to save my sanity. I removed myself completely and do absolutely nothing for his child who hates me that much. No birthday or Christmas gifts, no special snacks that she likes when I go shopping or any acknowledgement of her at all whatsoever. I lock up my belongings when she's around and flip all of the parenting onto her father.
Her mother played a big part in this situation becoming what it is because she feeds into her daughter's drama and leaves her feeling that if she interacts with me in any shape or form that she's being disloyal to her mother. I have been told by the child that she feels that her father replaced her with me and she blames any of the inevitable changes that occur with blending families on me because they were happy before I came along and started changing things, not understanding that the dynamics of any situation will change when new individuals are added.
Rules and boundaries were seen as me trying to upset the existing free-for-all household rather than trying to have some sort of compromise that we could all coexist with peacefully and when my husband failed to back me up, I left parenting them to him and live life true to myself. I'm his partner, not her parent.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have laced up those sneakers and started running before I fully invested myself...
Best of luck.
Exactly we all could have
Exactly we all could have saved ourselves misery had we "laced our sneakers up and started rubning".
I think many of us feel compelled to have a bond with our SKS because we know that they are important to our SO, therefore important to us.
Reality is that they can remain important to SO while we as SPs remain at a distance.
That's typically what's best as SKS rarely accept the new family dynamic. Before a SP is even in the picture they have already decided they don't want change and they want all the attention.
I am not in any way implying all stepchildren are like this-they would be an outright falsity.
But many of them do not want to share there parent with anyone-so SP is viewed as an obstacle.
For your own sanity it usually is best to disengage.
Nothing you are going to do
Will not make a difference. They drew a line in the sand. You are going to have to disengage from them. There father, your SO is really going to have to back you up in your disengagement. In this case there will be no blended family.
Future if you have chrildren with him, you will be going to Santa workshop with your kids, his kids will be like 14 and will not want to be there. That how far age difference will be