BM has taken evil to a new level
I have never hated anything or anyone as much as I hate BM right now. I have never been a hateful person but she has managed to change me.
On the Oct 19 weekend, SS actually does come over. There was magically no project that originally supposed to prevent him from visiting. He also had with him a bag of snacks. He looks at me and says he brought it so we won't get mad anymore.
My feelings were so hurt. I have a thing about food because of my childhood.
SS was angsty and quiet the whole weekend. He was eating very little even though my husband tried to clarify that he just didn't want SS to take stuff to BMs. But nope, he was stubborn throughout.
I made a pie on Sunday but SS wouldn't eat a slice. My husband's mother was visiting so MIL asked him why and SS cries to her and tells her that it's because we get mad at him for eating all our stuff.
MIL initially believes him and confronts my husband and myself. I almost broke down crying. I have never felt so insulted. I would never starve someone.
My husband explains everything to MIL but it's clear that she thinks we shouldn't have said anything. She left upset and angry and told my husband to not punish SS for his and BM's mistakes.
She told my FIL too because my FIL talked to my husband during work the next day and told him that it may be difficult but he needs to treat all the kids the same.
My husband was gutted. My FIL is his stepdad and raised him as his own. He thinks the world of his stepdad and hearing FIL accuse him of having favorites upset him greatly.
On Oct 21, SS again wasn't "feeling well" so the weeknight visitation was cancelled.
The next weekend BM didnt drop off SS like she normally does even though it isn't our visitation. But instead of feeling relieved both my husband and I were in a sour mood because my FIL's words.
We find out Saturday night that BM had dropped off SS at my in-laws home instead. My husband goes over because he misses SS only to get a lot of attitude from him.
Yesterday was Halloween and SS's likely last year to get candy. It was also a Wednesday so my husband is supposed to get SS from 6 pm to 8:00 pm.
At around 5 pm BM calls my husband and says she is going to take SS trick or treating. We live in an area where we actually have to drive kids to a spot with more houses. She doesn't let my husband respond and hangs up. He tried calling a few times but she didn't pick up.
At this point we were all in the car ready to go pick up SS so we just decided to go by ourselves. BM tried to call my husband again once at 6:30 pm but his phone was in a backpack and we didn't hear it at the time.
When we got home at 8:30 pm, my husband's phone connects to the wifi and it starts blowing up with missed Skype calls and messages. He wasn't connected to his data and it was a big mistake.
BM had a work "emergency" and told SS to call and wait for my husband to take him trick or treating. She likely deleted my husband's and my number number from SS phone because he was trying to Skype all night and saying he can't find our phone numbers.
And my in-laws don't have a cell phone so he couldn't reach them because they were out.
My husband felt like absolute shit, even though it was not his fault. I feel terrible too. He ended up taking two boxes of candy to SS yesterday but had to leave it on the porch because SS wouldn't answer his Skype calls.
I looked into reporting her for abandonment but he is 13, and it was only 2 hours.
She is playing games with her son as collateral. I have never seen something more disgusting.
SS doesn't want to come this weekend. My husband is going to force visitation. Let's see how that goes.
Also, my husband has been looking at therapists for SS but they are all asking for BM's to sign off as well. Just perfect.
the only
advice I have for you and dh is related to ss not coming over if he's sick. I think your reply to situations like that should be to go get him as he can be taken care of when he is sick at your house just as well as at bm's house. Your bm is an alienator and you need to shut that down or it will continue.At the age of 11, your ss doesn't get to make the decisions. If bm refuses to bring him to your house, go get him.
Well, my personal opinion,
Well, my personal opinion, likely won't be very popular on this one, but IMO, you and Dad made your own problems in this one.
Yes, the kid made a few lousy nutella sandwiches and wanted to take 4 caprisun drinks back to BM's. Yes, I know, BM is suppose to be feeding the kid on her time. But we're talking f-ing peanuts here. A small jar of nutella, a ten pkg of drink and one generic loaf of bread would cost roughly $5. It's not the kid's fault his BM is a greedy selfish b*tch who doesn't buy groceries and prefers dining out (minus the kid) her own meals.
Was all this really worth saving a few bucks over? Would you have really seriously missed that tiny bit of food fro your cupboard? Yes, I know, I do 'get it' , that's not the point, the point is BM is suppose to blah blah blah.... but she isn't. For Pete's sake, Kroger had Capri Sun boxes of ten for 99cents limit five a couple weeks ago.
And playing dodge the kid when you know he'd be coming (whether he is suppose to be or not).
Those are all beefs you have with BM. None of it has to do with the kid who is just trying to fit in and make the best of being shuffled between two households.
I sincerely believe you need to stand back a bit, and try to view what's going on from the kid's non-adult childhood viewpoint.
I gave you one example of an
I gave you one example of an incident. Multiply roughly $10 of groceries leaving our home every weekend.
Plus meals that my husband is paying child support for. And clothes. And school supplies. And medicine.
How long do we lie down and take it?
And how old does SS have to be before he understands the BM needs to contribute to his upbringing too?
So how much CS is Dad paying?
So how much CS is Dad paying? .Medicine? Seriously? You know if you had this child 24/7 365 in your home, you'd be very likely spending more than you are currently.
How much CS do you receive from your bio kid's father? How often do they go visit him?
School supplies, medicine, a hand full of sandwiches and drinks (which the 'stolen food' here cost peanuts). Your fighting over these few bits of extra cash through the child rather than through perhaps the court route (yep, that cost cash too) is proving nothing to anyone but a kid who only sees and hears Daddy doesn't care about me as much as he does those other kids.
Do you really think its worth it? Is your bitterness and resentment over what, estimated guess of less than $800 grand total a year (including clothing, blah blah) really that important in the bigger picture? You'd hate me if I were your MIL. Because after hearing about shaming a kid over nutella and 10cent baggie of drink I'd be arriving at BM's with bags of clothing, OTC health and beauty supplies, school supplies and whatever else you all fight about.... then you could come on here and vent and whine about what a *ss kissing BM lover grandma who interferes I am.
Close to a thousand dollars
Close to a thousand dollars in CS.
And he has been funding two households for the past 12 years. Yes, buying medicine for HER home.
800 total a year? Don't make me laugh. Before trying to come for me and putting the blame on us, maybe not underestimate how much extra thousands we have been spending on SS every year. And I say we because I do help subsidize my husband's finances.
I'll send you BM's address. Please go ahead and fund her lifestyle as you wish. I can't believe you would defend a leech like her. But everyone has different values I guess.
Don't even fret over her
Don't even fret over her comment.
You and your husband did nothing wrong by wanting food that you buy for your household to remain in your househild.
The BM should damn sure be making sure the kid has plenty to eat in her home'it sounds like there is not a shortage of money.
It sounds like BM is being petty and instigating an issue where there was not one. She must have blew up thinking, 'how dare they not want to supply my house with food too! That's his son, it shouldn't matter!'
But it does. It's not your job to supply her house with EVERYTHING. She is getting alot of enjoyment by exaggerating what you and your DH said I'm sure. It makes her look like the 'perfect' parent and makes you and DH look like shit. I'm sure your in-laws now think that you get mad for having to feed the child.
Shame on that woman. She knows what she's doing. Sounds like a snake in the grass.
Oh wow... BM is really
Oh wow... BM is really escallating this behavior. Keep a journal of all of this. Judges will look at journals.
I wish I could say that there is light at the end of the tunnel but the PAS going on here is a lot like we deal with and it is really hard on everyone. It may be time to talk to a lawyer again about her behavior.
Mothers like this who dump
Mothers like this who dump their kids off on the father, can just as easily flip and take the kid away from the father. It's all about their needs and the perceived slights.
I think if you guys were going to address the food issue, it should have been just as a household rule - "SS, you know that no one is allowed to take more than one Capri Sun", not as an issue about BM buying food on her own time.
I will say this as someone who experienced PAS first hand. DH and I felt very innocent and blamed BM for everything, but when I had three years of PAS to think about it, I realized the many ways we contributed to the problem. When you have an alienating parent in the situation, you have to be super careful what you do. Her goal is to find any little thing and twist it into what she wants.
It's frustrating, I know very well.
What is it now a days? We can
What is it now a days? We can't tell our kids anything about taking "extra" food without feelings getting hurt and now all this extra drama? I don't know how you/H communicated to your SS about the whole situation of him "taking food" but how sad that this has to be turned into a manipulation tactic with BM twisting it and making it worse.
Its not about saving a few bucks but about BM taking this as an opportunity to leverage her own agenda and alienate their son from his father.
Its not the end of the world if you tell a kid hey you are taking too much of XYZ and please next time just limit it to so and so. I'd be damned if I have to watch what I say and walk on egg shells because I'm afraid of hurting feelings. At the end of the day its not what you say but how you say it. I'm going to be real and if this is what I feel and want to say I'm not sugar coating it.
You are right, you don't stop
You are right, you don't stop parenting when your kid is being alienated. But you also can't parent the way you would in an intact family or with a sane ex. Is it fair? Nope, but that's what happens when you divorce a crazy person.
You can still talk about not taking too much food, but it has to be in the right way, as you said.
My husband even told him very
My husband even told him very kindly about how some things need to stay in our home. He wasn't brash or stern at all.
BM is extremely manipulative and SS just buys into it.
Its tough
I find myself getting a little dodgy about ANYTHING going over to BM's these days. Previous to NOW, I was extremely generous and would OFFER things for Munchkin SD12 to take with her. Would buy her stuff on my own dime. NOW, however, ToxicTroll has filed for child support, which is hurting us a little bit. But also she is now getting 30k for leaving her job, where she is ALSO getting a more than 50k settlement for her (dont laugh!) Brain injury. Her brain is worth 50k! HAHAHAHAH.
So now, I just want our stuff to stay at our place, and no more "sharing" between households. Peeved me to no end when DH took our rug doctor over to ToxicTroll's place, to clean a room for Munchkin SD, and now, Feral Eldest took it over.
However that whole tickortreating fiasco. SS being in between you and BM. So tough to call on that one - you have to dance on eggshells because its a toxic situation that has been WAY overblown. And now the Halloween thing. SS is being made to feel like he doesnt matter. And BM is poisoning him against you to boot. Tough one.
Ya'll are letting yourselves
Ya'll are letting yourselves get all wrapped up in this emotional game of back and forth with the kid and BM. Let it go. Stop letting people make you both feel guilty for stopping SS from emptying your pantry on his way to BMs. Plenty people here encouraged you to put a stop to it and I still stand by that. It was ridiculous. Now she is getting more erratic and using it against you. The whole Halloween debacle was the perfect storm for BM. She changes plans then wonders why y'all have gone on with your own after the fact when hers go to crap. Your DH needs to suggest to take SS out for lunch or dinner on day. Maybe on a weekend that SS is suppose to come over but doesn't want to he can suggest a lunch instead of the visitation. During that time he needs to call a spade a spade and say, "son I understand your mom has been saying things to you to make it seem like I don't love you and I am a bad dad. You know I love you and I love you so much that I will not keep making you come over if you don't want to. You know I didn't tell you you couldn't eat at house, but that you couldn't keep taking the groceries to BM's because she is suppose to use the 1000 dollars I give her for you on the groceries you want. I know you were upset by Halloween. I was too when your mom told me she was taking you and hung up on me before I could tell her I wanted you to come with us. She ignored all my calls and texts asking for you. We were in the car ready to come get you waiting for her to answer or call back up until the very last minute and we never heard back. I don't know why you didn't call me or SM but you only have your mom to blame for that one because I tried everything but kidnapping you to come with us. I am not going to keep playing games with your mom. If you want to come over, call me and I will come get you; if you don't want to come over then call me and let me know so we don't expect you. I hope you will stop letting your mom ruin our relationship and start coming back over but until then I will just wait for you to see it all for yourself."
Leave it at that. There comes a time when Dad's need to just lay it out straigt when the BM is being manipulating instead of just trying to play the righteous suffering hero. It hardly ever boomarangs back to where their kids have the ephiphany they need to realize it was all alienation. Dad needs to let SS know that BM is making up this crap so SS will hate him like she does.
I agree with this!! What the
I agree with this!! What the BM is doing is a page right out of the parental alienation playbook. Classic.
DH needs to let his son know exactly what is going on..... don’t shy away from it. He needs to right away say no I am coming to take him out for dinner and he needs to have this conversation.
My DH is fully PAS”d right out from his kids lives. He took too long to tell them the truth about what was going on. He tried to be patient, he tried to show them through his actions that he was a good dad.... it didn’t work. The only thing I feel he waited to long to do was to tell them the truth anout what was going on. He did eventually tell them (very softly) but it was after it had already been a long time of it setting in- he was too scared to make things worse with BM and her to get even worse. But it doesn’t matter because no matter what the BM will get worse once she is on that train, and the situation will get worse and it will become more and more difficult to rectify.
Telling him the truth still may not work- but then at least you know you have done everything you can and that somewhere in this child’s head they have been told all this and maybe when they are older they will hopefully remember it and clue in.
Enforcement of visitation
Enforcement of visitation should be unequivocal IMHO. Far too many NCPs just cave and cater to their spawn and their Xs on this.
My ass the kid wasn't feeling well. He and BM are playing games. The kid can "not feel good" while he is visiting. If he is relally sick.... give him a bucket so he doesn't puke on the carpet.
If there is no severe injury (with blood, protruding bones, etc...) or life threatening illness then the Skid visits.