Biological father is not a good father
Hello, this is my first time posting here. My girlfriend and I are not married or living together yet, but I spend almost every single day with her and her daughter (who is ten years old), so I feel and act like a father figure. My girlfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for almost three years, and I have come to love her daughter as my own. The issue I have is that the girl's biological father is not a good father, to put it in simple terms. Because of this, my girlfriend's daughter has been, for the past half a year or so, oscillating between periods in which she is deeply and truly angry at him (you can hear a deep rage and disappointment in her voice), and periods in which she forgives everything he does (or doesn't do). I don't feel this is good for her. Her biological father not only is not a good father, but is a very anti-social person. He lives alone, works from home and has no friends, keeps very little contact with his family, and as a result, I feel like he can't be a good influence on my girlfriend's daughter. He has a very skewed and distorted view on reality, for instance, he told my girlfriend's daughter to not talk to any boys, ever. Another weird example is that he stopped eating vegetables and replaced them with vitamin supplements, which is not healthy at all, and wanted my girlfriend's daughter to do the same. He often buys video game consoles (A Nintendo Switch, a Playstation 4 and a small laptop so far) for my girlfriend's daughter when she is angry or disillusioned with him, and that sort of buys her over, for some time at least, until he does or says something stupid or doesn't show up for an event or something. I feel like this can't be healthy for my girlfriend's daughter, and that she would be better off if the guy just disappeared from her life forever. Is this too selfish for my part? I fear that some of these feelings come in part from a selfish place. I study with her, I play with her, I take her to the beach, I have been on her birthdays entertaining her friends, I spend much more time with her and I put much more work than his biological father, but I don't feel like she views me as a father (she seems to view me more like a father when she is angry at her biological father). We have a really good relationship, and I feel like she cares for me, but more like a fun uncle or something like that than a father.
She has an important ceremony at her school coming up, and I will have to sit in the back, with the friends and extended family, and her biological father, useless and distant as he is, will sit in the front with the rest of the parents. I know I feel envious of that, and I feel very sad right now. Nevertheless, despite my selfishness in the matter, I truly believe that her biological father is not good for her. I'm not writing to ask for advice, for I think there's not much advice that can be given. I wanted to hear from other people that have been in similar situations as my own, see how they felt eventually or if the situation was resolved in some way.
Thanks in advance.
PS: Wasn't sure if this was the right section in the forums. I apologize if I made a mistake.
Welcome to the site! Yes,
Welcome to the site! Yes, being in the role of a step-parent is usually a lot of effort with very little reward. You can try and try, but the fact is, these skids already have parents. Most times one parent is crappy, but skids still love them unconditionally. It's infuriating and unfair. All you can do is be another loving, reliable presence in their lives, and accept that that is all you may ever be. The BM in my situation is a terrible person, and not a good influence. Skids still love her. It's frustrating, but out of my control.
There are quite a few people who have success stories- where skids love the Step-parent and consider them to be a parent, and even ask if they can call them mom or dad. It may take a while, or it may never happen. It sounds like you want that to happen, so I think all you can do is love that kid, do your best, and see what happens. Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. Either way, it sounds like you are a positive influence in her life, and that's something to be proud of.
I would advise that you stop
I would advise that you stop worrying about the SpermDad and focus on the relationship that you have with your GF. That is the top priority. Your relationship with the little girl is secondary to the primary relationship that you have with her mom.
That said, the little girl is the top relationship responsibility for both you and her mom. Though she never takes priority over the adult relationship at the center of your blended family. As the top responsibility her best interestes are key to what both you and her mother should be delivering on. My bride of 24+ years and I chose to go with full disclosure model with my SS as he was growing up. We shared the facts associated with the CO, his SpermIdiot, the SpermClan, the court records, arrest and divorce records of the SpermIdiot, etc, etc, etc... in an age appropriate manner. Kids need to the facts IMHO. They need the facts to be able to identify manipulative crap from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pools, they need the facts to protect themselves from those manipulations as they are growing up and once they are adults.
This worked well with my SS. So much so that when he would return from SpermLand visitation he would often be in our office doing research in our Custody/Visitation/Support files when something the SpermClan tried to manipulate him with didn't pass the smell test. I have been his dad since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
I am his REAL dad. The only REAL dad he has ever had. Just as you are your SD's REAL dad.
Once you and your GF get papers, then you will no longer have to sit at the back for her school events. I never sat in teh back. But then again... no one from the SpermClan ever attended any of my son's events. Even if htey had.... i would have been sitting next to my bride right at the front.
Welcome by the way. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family adventure.
Thanks to all the comments. I
Thanks to all the comments. I feel a lot better.
The things you said resonate a lot with what I have been thinking.
Thanks a lot, truly.
Her dad probably can't help
Her dad probably can't help that he's "antisocial." That's just who he is and I don't think it's fair to count that against him. SD won't take up the vitamin regimen unless you or her mom buy them for her, so no worry there.
As for her dad jerking her around, you can't do anything about that. The best move for you is to be there and be the fun uncle -- who doesn't want to be the fun uncle??? That's a good thing for her to have in her life and when she rebounds from another disappointment from her dad, how great is it that you're there for her? As she gets older, she may reject her dad, but it has to be on her terms or you will look like the bad guy.
I've sat in the back. I know. I get it. That pain is nearly impossible to avoid and it's just something you have to write off. In time, her dad might completely disappear from her life and these events will be easier. But in the meantime, just continue looking like the good guy -- realize that the fact that you are there at all is an honor to her...but the fact that she wants you there is an honor to you. I can't imagine how good that must feel -- I can't imagine it, because my SD despises me. Be glad things are going as well as they are. You're carving a space for yourself in her life and she's allowing you that space. That's a beautiful thing.