SD22 treats me badly but wants her son's photo up in OUR home
First please understand the background and we are not married but have been together 7 years. Shortly after I moved in with DH (SD22 left home already at 19), she attacked me for no reason cussing me out over the phone (resents my prescence in her Dads life). So after that I was not eager to put up pictures of her in our home as we were still decorating. DH is not good about decorating so our walls didn't have much on them for some time.
SD22 and DH have a strained relationship stemming from resentment when she was a child. I realize I have my own issues as a middle-aged woman often treated as "less than" since I don't have my own kids, as well as 7 years of "step-life with DH's family wanting "blood family" to always be put first and making it clear how little my feelings and point of view mean to them.
Years after attacking me, SD22 apologized on her terms instead of face to face video chat as I had asked. I told her I would work with her schedule for a video chat and she refused. This lead to her and I arguing as she became arrogant and insulting me and saying what I want didn't matter. She then blasted our personal issues (with me and her Dad) all over her Facebook telling us "we will see what everyone else thinks about who is right" "and that's the great thing about social media, it makes you feel better eventually". Well this was the last straw for me, she was being spiteful and childish. She now says not to take it out on her infant son and it hurts him and her family not to have a picture up of him in OUR home. I have told DH that SS19 and SS16 have bare walls in their bedrooms they can put all the pictures up they want. My personal family pictures are up in my own room as well, not in the common areas. I have nothing against her baby, but I've had it with everything having to be HER way, with everyone expecting me to cater to the real family, her insults and putting our personal issues on social media. For me to see a picture her baby I have never met and will never have a relationship with (DH and I live so far away he hardly sees the baby), only represents pain with SD22 and I'm sick and tired of being told I have to do things in my home for everyone else's sake. If she had not continued to be so awful to me, I would not have had a problem with pictures being up. But the problems with SD22 almost destroyed my relationship with DH and I feel the common areas in our home should not be filled with painful reminders. Oh, and both SS have not put any picures up yet in their rooms...if they want them up so bad, why don't they do that then? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
No is a complete sentence.
No is a complete sentence.
You have a great compromise - photos can be put up in personal spaces, not common areas. That goes for you, too, and you abide by it. Perfect solution.
She is an adult, just as you are. You hace zero reason to have a relationship with her. She won't have things to blast on social media if you don't talk to her, or about her. She is your SO's daughter. It's okay if that is all the more she is.
Shes 22 and dictating to you
About what goes on in YOUR home, on YOUR walls. I am lucky in that we do not have this issue - I am the person who is in charge of my home. Munchkin SD12 can do what she wants with her room. She has photos of her sister, Feral Eldest, and her father in his wedding tuxedo from his marriage to her mother. I went through bags of photos and gave ToxicTroll all photos of her with children, including wedding photos.
I have been the one who has been taking pictures of all of us. I am the one who prints them, and pays my money for them. I do annual christmas cards with photos of us, so I dictate everything. I am Queen Bee. Even though Feral Eldest and I had a blowout a few years ago, she never apologised, and I dont ever expect it. She has been civil and cordial, and lives somewhere else and doesnt have much to do with our household. a few months ago, I finally put some old photos of Feral Eldest when she was a cute baby. I havent printed graduation photos from high school, or birthday photos. Just dont have it in me right now. I plan on spending a little money on our wedding photo, and some photos of my family and his family. Both girls will get a nice collage, for the hallway or something.
But there is no way I would allow some a-hole to dictate what I have to look at every day.
The other side of the coin is that this child is not his mother. I try to remember that myself. This child is your SO's grandchild. It might be nice to display kiddo somewhere, esp if thats all the kiddo you are getting.
I'm not sure when you're
I'm not sure when you're discussing with SD what is on your walls, but here are two approaches.
Let everyone know where the hammer and nails are. If any of those blood relatives care, they can put up the damn pictures themselves. They don't care. No one is counting except SD.
Or if you just want to shut her up, let SD know there are photos of her kid all over your walls and she should send more because you have a few blank spaces.
When SD married, she "gifted" us SEVEN huge framed photos from her wedding -- none with me in them, of course, because I was not photographed, of course. I had them around for a while and then one by one, they got stacked and stored. I told my husband where they are if he wants to display them. They are still stacked and stored. I reminded him months later that he could take some to his office. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. I don't care.
Give everyone else the chance to put up what they want so you can't say you're standing in the way. Trust me, they aren't gonna put up a bunch of photos they don't care about.
This is petty shit you don't have time to entertain. Treat it that way and put it out of your mind.
well unfortunately both SS
want it. Is is really so bad for them to just put the pictures up in their own bedrroms instead of the command areas? Everyone else in DH family thinks my solution is wrong. DH does not seem to care either way.
Oh, well fine. Let them put
Oh, well fine. Let them put the pictures in their rooms. Man, it's weird for kids to be so concerned about freaking portraits. Go buy them nice little frames at the dollar store and tell them they can put them in their space. The rest of the house is your space.
Wait ... she's ordering you,
Wait ... she's ordering you, from far away, to put a picture of her baby on the wall? What does your SO want?
He would like it but he knows how
painful it is too me and he understands where I am coming from. It does not mean so much to him bit it seems to for SD22. I know SS19 and and SS15 want to do that as well, but they also know the problems we have. Again, if they want pictures up, I feel they should put them up on THEIR bedrroms...I don't see why it has to be in the common areas of a home I pay for. Also, SD22 certainly does not have photos of me and DH up in her home. I don't feel SD22 should dictate anything in our home and I don't appreciate her attempt at a gilt trip for her "innocent son". Picture or not, it has nothing to so with DH relationship with his grandson or daughter. A picture does not affect their relationship..but SD22 is insintuating it does and that her dad should do that for her and is acting like it is a barrier to her resenting her father less. I'm just sick of their dysfunction and want to enjoy my future and my home as a grown woman without my DH family demonizing me for daring to have a say in her own home that the family doesn't agree with.
Yeah, she gets no say, it's
Yeah, she gets no say, it's between you and DH. Don't listen to her or give her any power. Don't give any weight to DH's family either, who cares what they say.
I have to be honest, though, I'm not clear why a picture of DH's grandson would be such a big issue, if HE wants it there. It's not like he's the problem here.
for me, I'm fed up with doing everything to make everyone
else happy at my expense. For me that baby is an extention of her and she used the baby to manipulate DH and her family. To this day she still insults me and cannot be decent to me. As I mentioned, as a childless middle aged women all I hear is my feelings don't matter, kids are all that matters and I just can't take anymore of being devalued. Plus the fact SHE wants her baby's picture in OUR home. If they boys want a picture in the house of their nephew so bad, then they should put it up in the bedrooms, but they have not. I found a nice compromise but no one seems to care. At this point it feels like a power struggle with everyone that the "real family" should be the one to call the shots and never me, and I'm done with being the one to suck it up. So I'm just so hurt and frustrated after 7 years of step life.
I am sure the infant son is a
I am sure the infant son is a budding genius with the intellectual and emotional capacity to process the hurt of not having his picture up in your home.
This lie is incredibly manipulative and deceitful.
Then since when does anyone have the right to tell you how to decorate your home and whose pictures should be up?
The entitlement is shockingly glaring!
IF your DH wants a picture of her or her sprog, he can place it somewhere that he can see it.
SD is not entitled to tell you where to place the photo or even if you should have it in your home at all.
DH can even carry it in his wallet if he likes.
Your best course of action is to ignore this lying entitled brat and not to engage her nonsense.
She is looking for a reason to provoke you or cause crap - and the baby is the current excuse.
Do not take the bait.
No. Nope. Nyet. Nein.
No. Nope. Nyet. Nein.
If you give in to this little game SD will consider it a victory and she will be encouraged to push for more "input" into your home. Don't do it, unless you want more of the same in the future.
If DH wants have hiim help the boys hang pix in their rooms. Or give them each a frame and tell to put Gskid pix in the frame and keep it on their dresser. If they move the pix into the common area, put it in the garage. And stop talking about it with DH's family. Of course they tell you that you're wrong. I wouldn't expect any less from them.
Nobody tells me how to
Nobody tells me how to decorate my home and I do not decorate with family photographs.
Man I do not know what is
Man I do not know what is going on in your house but WOW the drama,,, 'years after attacking me--I told sd I would work with her....blah blah bahhhh.
Why are you playing tennis with her or anyone who is an adut? Your husand is free to spend time with her that he wants. YOU are not obigated to, legally or morally.
LET IT GO....
Dh can have visits with his adult daughter. You dont have to. Send small gift. Plate of cookies or tin around the holidays. DH can give gifts as he see's fit.
Other than that....let this gooooooooooooo Stop enaging. What you keep doing is nuts
SHE IS an adult...not a minor.
My house my decorations.
She doesn't get to dictate
She doesn't get to dictate what goes on in YOUR home
If she's so concerned about it than she can work really hard to make amends
Otherwise I think you've been fair by saying no pictures in shared space
Oh and meant to add, that I
Oh and meant to add, that I totally relate your feelings
I also have no bio children of my own, have struggled with treatment from DH's family who goes to great strides to make sure I feel devalued, unwelcome, less than, and humilated as often as possible....including SIL treating BM as her 'real' SIL and me "just her brother's wife"
It goes on and on and I know how much it hurts!
Keep your head high and stick to your guns!
DH family acts like "I" am the problem! I am sorry to
hear you have a situation like mine...but I must say I feel better knowing I'm not alone in this type of situation and I'm not being unreasonable. Thank you for sharing your situation and feelings too. It hurts tremendously, more so after all I did for his entire extended family to ultimately be so devalued by them.
Your home. You put up what
Your home. You put up what you want on the walls. Put the pic of the GSkid in a photo album and tuck it in the back of a closet. If DH or SD wans to see, dig it out then.
Other than that. F-em.
Block her a$$ and anyone else
Block her a$$ and anyone else who tries to tell you to deal with that POS. You do NOT have to allow aholes in your life. If anyone tried to tell me (especially from a distance) what I had to have in my home I would take a picture of myself burning that picture.
tell her
you will put it up and in return will give her a pic of you and dh together to put up on her wall. see if that shuts her up.
Well DH actually suggested that! But I
know it would just be a big joke to her and her family. She would agree and it would not go up of course. His heart was in the right place though!