BM Robbed my Joy
I've been told our mental dwelling place is up to us, it's our own mind after all! But, upon my second marriage five years ago, I've had an ex wife mentally torment me. She has done it in a way that's off the radar to others, it's behind the backs of my husband and skids and it has almost driving me crazy! She's a professional woman, has a successful career, a big home, she's very pretty, speaks to my husband with kindness, she looks like she really has her shit together so when I describe her glares, the sneers, the hostile energy she shoots me, the cunning comments under her breath, most people have a hard time believing me. Even I have questioned my own views because it's like dealing with a Jekyll and Hyde! My husband has a very demanding career so when we married i quite my job to help him with his three kids that he had 50% custody. The kids were 6, 8, 10....what the fuck was i thinking? That said, i was optimistic and still parenting my two older kids so I thought, the more the merrier and he was worth it. Half the month I drove his kids to and from school then would spent 3-5 hours taking them all to their sports and lessons. Two weekends a month I attended their games, took them to appointments, etc. Just pretty much lived what a normal life of 5 kids would look like. I had every intention on co parenting with the BM, I could even befriend her. My work is in women's health and like to think that mature women can have camaraderie. Well, even though she cheated on my husband for two years then initiated their divorce, she attempts to be destructive to our relationship. I've had to read books and seek counseling to understand what is happening around me. I am ashamed to say I let her bring me down and exhaust me in my efforts. My bad attitude spilled over and prevented me from wanting to take such a big part in the kids lives. I couldn't stand hearing them talk about their week with her, face-time her in my kitchen, ask me to drive them over to her house all of the time because they forgot their retainer or needed a book....I just could not stand anything that had to do with her. So to survive in my own home, I learned boundaries and put my foot down on what I was and wasn't willing to do. My husband has had to do more for their logistics and their mom has had to take time away from work to get them to their appointments. My husband understands and is doing what he can to support me and she is happy I stepped back; it’s given her the control she wanted on our weeks. I'll say that learning to set boundaries for myself has been the best thing for my mental heath as a step parent. I'm getting better at not taking her bitterness toward me personally, she doesn't even know me for hells sake! But it's been a long road and had an effect on my feelings toward the kids. I became silently guarded and act very matter of fact with them. I'm really angry that I let her get under my skin and change my energy. She won in a way, at least for now. Going forward i am wiser and would just say to all step moms banging their head agains the freakin wall, we need to serve our selves first before we can be good at blending a family. More is caught then is taught so make yourself happy and that will influence your home.
Hard to say what is going on
She may resent that her Ex-DH may have forced her to work, and she did not want to, and is livid that you are SAH (with all kids in school). That is her problem, not yours, but don't expect her to be your friend.
You say you are driving the kids half the month, that is presumably on his time. You can tell him -- he should be driving, but then he may say, you need to go back to work. He may have to pay more child support if he has them for less time. She should be driving on her time.
You can tell DH that you want them to facetime in their rooms, not in the kitchen. Is there a computer or device located where they can call in private?
I wish someone
had told me a long time ago how crazy bm is.
Good for you! I initially
Good for you! I initially thought I could have a good relationship with SS18, but I know I can't - because of BM. I try not to give her too much head space anymore, but it's hard when she's still got some legal control over DH. I just tolerate SS, but he's just an extension of her and I can't help but resent him for being the center of all of this drama. I'm glad your DH was supportive, that helps a lot.
She blew it and knows it
She blew it and I've heard (because she has told my DH) that she regrets breaking up the family. When they were together she also was a stay at home mom that spent years educating herself and pursuing her dream job, that she now has. I guess I remind her of what she lost and I've heard she sees me as a threat, not a help that I ignorantly hoped for. Meeting in a neutral location is a good idea except we don't want the kids to know what an emotional basket case their mom is. I just suck it up and keep quiet for their sake, they don't need the stress. They sense her anger but it's never been discussed and they know not to bring it up or she will cry and they will feel bad for hurting her feelings. Mom is a hero in their eyes and I know that anything I say or do against her will backfire and look bad on me. All of this while she will literally shoot me the evil eye when I am dropping her kids off in her driveway...lol. This sounds hilarious to write down but it's really draining. She is a master manipulator and honestly scares me a little bit. So I am now seeking a full time job to put my mind on other things. It's all a work in progress, I just need to get through the next 7 years when the last one goes to college. So...I will have my boundaries with her and be respectful to the kids. I often leave the house when they are there and let them have time with their dad. They would like me to stay but I'm just not into it becuse I can't talk to someone elses kids like I did my own. Pick up your socks, wash your dish, etc then give hugs. They just don't respond the same way and I don't like walking on egg shells. Ugh.... thanks for reading.
Parental Alienation Syndrome
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) can be extremely damaging and it can decimate an entire family in almost the same way a murder does. When you think about it, it is character assignation. "As each member of the family struggles with their own pain and grief, being a source of emotional support and comfort to other members in the family network can be problematic." It is like you are the innocent victim of a crime--a crime of one parent going after the other and to make matters worse, using the children as "weapons."
This is from another site on How Crime Can Affect You?:
1. You feel angry, upset or experience other strong emotions. These strong emotions can make you feel even more unsettled and confused.
2. Things can appear to suddenly fall apart for you.
3. You show physical symptoms.
4. You blame yourself thinking you should have done things differently. it’s important to remember it’s not your fault.
5. You develop long-term problems such as depression or anxiety-related illness.
So, please. Take care of you and yours!
BTW my kids have a step mom
Btw my kids have a step mom and she isn't warm either but I still send her a card on Mothers Day thanking her for being kind to them. It's about the kids and I have no respect for women that can't get over themselves and treat other women well!
I would die of shock
if ToxicTroll EVER sent me a card or any kind words. Ive taken care of her children, given her tickets to events set for her days, and purchased clothing for her child, with my own money. No thank you's just accusations and demeaning comments. She is definitely NOT respectable, nor deserving of any respect, my BM. Good for you in being a kind, loving person!
She is toxic. So destroy her
She is toxic. So destroy her. You are a intelligent professional and an expert on women. So own her toxic ass and put her in her place. Don't tolerate her under the breath comments. When she drops them ask her to speak up so everyone can hear what she has to say. WHen she throws the looks and glares immediately confront that publically as well. Let her and eveyrone else know that if she has a problem with you she needs to grow the lady balls to be an adult and just put it out there.
Don't let her hide behind her snide and petty bullshit.
Web cams and recordings will unveil her snide under the breath bullshit, glares and anything else she pulls. Bare her toxic ass immediately, publically and as brutally as it takes to take whatever reward she is getting from her behavioral choices and replace with public humiliation and abject misery.
It works. Try it.
Learn to enjoy it even. It worked for me/us in confronting the toxic bullshit of the SpermGrandHag and the rest of the SpermClan during our 16+ years under my SS's Custody/Visitation/Support order. We also shared the facts of the SpermClan's behaviors, the CO, court records, SpermIdiot arrest records, etc, etc, etc... with SS in an age appropriate manner to help prepare him to deal with their toxic bullshit on visitation and into adulthood. At 26 he has long been able to keep them in their place and insulate himself from their manipulative toxic bullshit.
When you are going to see BM rock your confidence. Beam your happiness, be on your DH's arm, be there for your SKids. With a full confrontation of toxic bullshit strategy... you will get her under control.
Go for it.
Have fun.
^^^^^^^^^^^^Yes!!!! What Rags
^^^^^^^^^^^^Yes!!!! What Rags said!
Own it darling and don't let BM think she can.
Oh if only I had that
Oh, if only I had that mentality years ago. I really have let her get to me, like you said she rocked my confidence and still does to this day. I see being a little more savvy at her game would be good for me. Turning the other cheek doesn't always work, it just drags on the bad feelings.
Daaaamn! Well alrighty then,
Daaaamn! Well alrighty then, I like it!
Cheaters and their mindset
She sounds like a Narcissit. A self-ish, self-interested Narcissist. There is a website I like to read, called Chumplady.com, and it has given me a great amount of understanding as to the mentality of the kind of person who would break apart their family for their own personal wishes.
ToxicTroll, she also cheated on DH, and when we got together, was extre4mely jealous and competitive with me. She simmered down a bit, we actually had some discussions, but she is not of the mindset of someone I would really get along with. Nothing in common except the man! LOL. She is a self-interested narcissit, and destroys anything positive, if she can. She was extremely agitated on our wedding day, and texted DH that "Congratulations I hope ur happy, maybe third time is the charm for you". Because she had just kicked out her loser ex BF, has no one and nothing, has broken up her family and DH has definitely moved on.
Perhaps she thinks that if you were not in the picture, she would be? It is draining to think of these things. I agree with you - focus on the good stuff, but also protect yourself. And you can still enjoy a relationship with Skdis. I do. I just try to forget her mother is ToxicTroll.
Thanks, I'm trying everday to
Thanks, I'm trying everday to forget. I hope as the kids get older and aren't her protoges so I won't see her in them so much.