I'm butthurt
SO is disabled and totally unable to have a job. This, I am ok with and I work and he helps out where he can with the kids and home. His grown kid and the 17 year old mother of 2 still needs money/groceries sometimes and he'll zelle money to one or order groceries for one to pick up at Wal-Mart. Well tonight I found out his kids KNEW he doesn't work. They know *I* work and that that's where the money comes from. They ask HIM for it and have never thanked ME. I had an issue before where his other daughter did not once thank me for driving her to and from work everyday. I just feel butthurt about this. I thought they still thought he worked so I didn't really think anything about it. But today one asked for gas money and he sent it and I asked him if she knew he didn't work...and they KNOW. And STILL ask him for money and never say a word to me. No matter how far I get I will still never mean anything to those girls. I can't even get a thank you. My kids do not act like this to me or anyone else.
I do realize all of you would just refuse to allow any money go to the skids in this situation. Right now I'm just trying to get through day after day and keep a peaceful home(which is why no skids live with us) I'm just venting.
On the plus side he did turn one kid down when she asked for money so he's sticking to our decision to not send that one any money. Money to her goes to cigarettes and fast food and her mom's pill habit.
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Why is he not collecting
Why is he not collecting disability? Why is he not talking to you before sending money to the kids? Why is he not requiring the kids to tell YOU thank you?
Him being disabled doesn't absolve him from trying to provide monetarily (i.e. through disability income) AND expecting his children to be respectful of the person who provides for them.
Your DH would be up a creek without a paddle if it weren't for YOU. His kids wouldn't talk to him if it weren't for YOUR money. My DH would have to be doing his ABSOLUTE BEST within his ability to ensure that I was taken care of if he wanted me to continue supporting him and his grown children. Right now, it sounds like your DH isn't even doing the bare minimum.
He is trying to get on
He is trying to get on disability now. It was sudden, so we had to scramble and rearrange our lives. I think his kids thank him and he sees it as a general thanks. I only just found out last night, I assumed they didn't know and everything's been so difficult on everybody. I have two kids of my own still at home so I'd still have bills and everything. I know he sends money/groceries, I just thought his kids thought it was his checks since they never say anything to me about it. I haven't even brought this up with him. I pitched a fit about the one other skid never thinking me for rides or dinner and we ended up having her pay for Lyft to work and home. I feel like I'm always bitching about the skids. I just can't find any positives. And I keep being right.
Wait! He is not on disability
Wait! He is not on disability? And you aren’t married? No way on earth I’d support a man and his grown kids if you are not even married? Supporting a boyfriend and his kids? You can’t be serious
I just don't understand
I just don't understand people who put up with this bullshit.
First of all, it is very disrespectful for your SO to give money to his kids, when he is not bringing any money into the household.
Why do you put up with this?
You're supporting your DH and
You're supporting your DH and he's giving your money to his kids - and you feel like you can't say anything or he will get upset with you? Seems to me that's what you should feel hurt about.
You know these kids are ungrateful and entitled, you've already experienced it - so why would they suddenly not act ungrateful and entitled? It's been rewarded left and right.
So he gets upset
What is he going to do leave. Then who is going to support him ? You hold all the power. Tell him that he must discuss with you before money or food goes to his loser kids. If SD is 17. Why is he not paying CS. Why does she have two kids. Started at 14 ? You better think twice about what a wonderful catch this guy is
How does he have access to
How does he have access to your money? Why are you calling him DH in some posts and then SO in others? If he is just a SO then how does he have access to your bank account?
No way my DH send MY money or groceries to grown kids and we are legally married. I don’t get it. How is it possible?
Why does he have access to
Why does he have access to your money?
It's possible his kids think he's living off if his savings and disability. I wouldn't automatically assume a man his age would be living off his girlfriend.
He isn’t on disability though
He isn’t on disability yet though. So no income. That’s the thing. You are right though kids likely think he works.
From the kids' point of view,
From the kids' point of view, it's business as usual. They ask, he gives. What do they care if it's really coming from you as long as they get it? You're expecting them to be grateful to you when they clearly have never been before. It's just not going to happen.
They probably don't know your financial situation. For all they know, dad has a pot of money sitting around and that's where it's coming from. Regardless, I'm sure they aren't concerned with your marital finances.
I know you just want to keep the peace, but his sudden disability is a valid excuse to reconsider "his" generosity to the skids. Maybe you let it slide before because he was bringing in a paycheck. But that is not the case now. It's time to draw a boundary.
Sit him down and tell him the bank MUST be closed to the skids because your finances have dramatically changed. At the very least, tell him every cent he sends to them must first be discussed with you -- frankly, this should have been done from the start of your marriage, but now you have a very practical reason for changing how things are done. Take advantage of it.
If you want, tell him cutting them off is temporary until you and he figure out how you'll make ends meet with the new situation. But I think it would be smarter to use this new circumstance to change the precedent that's been set. It doesn't mean he can't ever give them money, but every cent should be discussed with you first.
If you do this, your resentment that they are ungrateful to you will at least be reduced. They are never going to acknowledge what you do for them. So it's time to do less and put less stress on your marriage and yourself.
If he's unwilling to cut them off, that's another problem -- and you know where to find us! But at least take a stab at ending this bad precedent of him handing out cash to ungrateful brats when it makes you resent them (and probably him too).
We are married, I use dh and
We are married, I use dh and SO interchangeably, I didn't realize that was an issue. We've always had a joint banking account. There was no court ordered CS but he sent money every week back when he did work and also paid the skids phone bill. He helped me and my children as well. Now he doesn't send money weekly or anything but occasionally and I do help with this while he's trying to get on disability. He would and has done for my kids as well when I couldn't.
I talked to him today when I got home from work(I found that out last night) and he said I was right and he needs to make clear that they would not be getting any of it if not for me. This has never come up. Like I said we always helped each other but I just assumed they thought it was his paychecks and finding out they knew it was mine threw me. He's talked to them today already.
His oldest kid lived with us until she kept refusing to follow my house rules for adult children and he made her go live with her grandmother.
He really isn't some bum living off me. He's doing everything he can to make things work and he is always open to issues I have and works to correct things. He did have a part time job and they let him go until he could get his seizures under control. No job=no insurance=expensive docs and meds.
Can he be on your health
Can he be on your health insurance?
NOT ONE PENNY OF YOUR MONEY
NOT ONE PENNY OF YOUR MONEY TO SKIDS!
DH used my CC once years ago to charge a room for SS when he was homeless. I went ballistic and insisted that I be given the cash immediately. That never happened again.
I don't think he's mooching
I don't think he's mooching off of you.
You're married. His troubles are your troubles. That's marriage.
I am glad he spoke with his kids. Now make sure that bank is closed, at least until the disability comes through. Make sure you have access to whatever records/mechanisms he uses to send them cash. He may falter in his resolve because there's a long history of him giving away cash freely. Keep an eye on him and your bank accounts.