I'm not made of stone
I'm in need of some feedback. I'm a step parent of a 14 year old boy from my husband and a mother to a 7 year old from my husband as well. It's been really hard for me because my husband treats my stepson differently than my son. He has different rules, for example if my stepson talks back with attitude it's not an issue but if my son does then my husband will discipline him. But I think my biggest challenge is dealing with his ex- wife. Every year I have to go to her house for New Year, for my step sons birthday, for every time she picks him up and watch as she wears revealing clothes and does the splits and handstands while wearing said clothes. Seriously, I've had to watch her writhe around on the floor sexually and do splits, it's awkward! She shows up wearing skirts that show her ass and it's so hard for me to not think about the fact that they were together before us. She seems to be more ok with the situation than I am. I feel like the bad guy when I'm not. I know I should feel lucky that they have a good relationship and I don't want to interrupt that, but it's so hard for me to be around her with him. Right now we're in Italy which should be an amazing vacation but it was their honeymoon and my stepson even reminded me that no it's not the first time my husband has been here because he was here first with his ex on their honeymoon. I'm supposed to be made of stone like michelangelo's David and not care about these things, but I'm not. It bothers me, and the fact that it bothers me makes my husband mad. Am I a bad person? I feel like it. I had his ex at our place and he wanted her to stay longer but i said no. Now it means I don't support his son but it's not that at all. I need feedback and to vent. Anyone have any words of wisdom or feedback please? I feel like a bad person and it hurts.
You're not a bad person, and
You're not a bad person, and the fact that being around his ex while she's flaunting her stuff bothers you is not something you have control over. Your H is being a jerk if he gets mad over that. Don't let him make you feel even worse.
Why in the world is this woman doing splits and handstands and writhing around on the floor sexually? That is bizarre. Is she training for the circus or something? You need to tell your husband that you need boundaries where the ex is concerned. He can have a cordial relationship with her, but that doesn't mean you need to spend any time at all with her. Don't go to her house for NYE or birthdays if you don't want to. Do your husband and his ex do joint parties - is that why you have to go there for birthdays? Tell him you'd prefer separate parties, or not to attend hers. As for exchanges, make yourself scarce. It's your husband's kid - let him do dropoffs and be there when the ex drops the skid off.
My SO and his ex have a friendly relationship. I have no issue with that - I truly believe it is best for the kids (and for me) that they cooperate. But I let him know early on that now that I was in the picture there needed to be boundaries. He didn't need to attend every one of her family functions. He didn't need to do her favors (other than kid-related stuff like switching weekends and covering vacations). They could co-parent without trick-or-treating together. Pickups and dropoffs didn't need to last more than 5 minutes. While she is welcome to come into my home, she does not need to linger for longer than it takes to drop the kids off and relate any relevant information (many don't even permit BM into their homes). I'm willing to go to joint birthday parties and the occasional holiday event, but that will stop if she does anything untoward (splits, handstands and sexual writhing would qualify and put an end to that immediately). Finally, my SO knows that if he EVER takes me on vacation to a place he's previously been with BM, it will not end well. Fortunately, that doesn't rule out many vacation destinations.
Don't let your husband guilt you into doing things you're not comfortable with. If you don't want to be with his ex, that's your prerogative. Hanging out with the ex is not the norm, and don't let him tell you it is.
"Is she training for the
"Is she training for the circus or something?"
You aren’t a bad person.... but your husband is.
He forces you to go to his X’s for all of these events? How exactly does he force you?
If is physically have him frog marched out of your life in hand scuffs. If its through emotional abuse and intimidation then call a locksmith, rekey the locks take every penny and put he and his toxic spawn on the curb.
Nail his ass to the wall for a pile of CS and do what you can to minimize the exposure of your son to the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool.
Good luck and take care of you.
Everyone has a past. It
Everyone has a past. It sounds like you've been in Florence. It's an amazing city. Enjoy it. Enjoy the ancient history of that city and forget about the ancient history of your husband's past relationships. Think about how much he loved that place that he wanted to make new memories with you to wipe away the old memories of a trip with the ex.
You can't change the fact that he had relationships before, but you can change how you feel about it and embrace the positive right now. Don't let that harlot spoil your vacation. She's not there. Stop giving her space in your head. I know that's easier said than done, but YOU and only YOU are damaging your time there - I've been to Florence twice! Once with my brother and once with my mom and son - does that make a jot of difference to your time there? No.
I would stop the tradition
I would stop the tradition of going to his ex for the sons birthday. Let her have the son and you guys do your own thing. Tell DH to tell skid to stop talking about his mom around you.