Well, it's been almost 4 months since I last posted about my situation... I was calling DH, IH (idiot husband) for those that remember.  I suppose now he is just H, but improving.  We started to go to counseling together and a lot of changes have been made.  I guess it helped us both see things differently.  We have touched base on the step elephant in the room in therapy but (since skid is never around me) it has not been forefront.  We have been working on our relationship and our children.  For example; I complain a lot about how much work I do around the house and with our shared toddlers but I also am very particular about how our children are raised and cared for.  I do realize that they are H's children too, but I feel like his supervision is not as, um, consistant... as mine.  But kids do fall and they do get bumps and scrapes... I told H that I can accept that he feels I am controlling of the kids, explained why and we agreed that I would work on letting go and he would work on understanding why I am so controlling over the kids and try to come to a compromise in our parenting.  I let go, he pays more attention, etc.  I hope that makes sense, I am the type of parent who seperates my girls or redirects before someone gets hit or pinched or bitten (the girls are 4 and 1-1/2).  H plays on his phone until he hears a scream and then he intervenes by yelling and nobody knows how or what went down.  I find he often yells at the 4 yr old, even if she just got bitten by the 1-1/2 yr old.  He will tell her she needs to share the toy DD 1-1/2 tried to take because she is older and "should know better".  I take the approach that , yes, she is older but she doesn't HAVE to share her possessions just because the little one wants it.  Together, we find another toy to interest the little one and, the goal is to play together.  I guess that is how it is with a lot of things.  We stopped seeing things from each other's perspective over the last almost 10 years.  I also see how I became very resentful and focused on the negative and H became very detached and almost spiteful over the years.  Hopefully we can continue to work on ourselves and our relationship.  We were once a very loving and supportive couple.... 

That said, when we did discuss the step-ephant in therapy, I felt comfortable (not that I ever have lied or felt the need to lie to H about my strong negative feelings towards his son) being completely open.  H's son has done some horrible things to me.  He was verbally and physically abusive to me, he was violent in our home, he threatened our eldest daugher when she was an infant and he lied in such a way that H and I had to go to court to defend our names and stood to lose our careers during the time he lived with us and BM was in prison.  I have told H that I could work on rebuilding that relationship if and only if I receive a real apology and even then that will be an attempt to rebuild and indifference may be the only progress I make.  I have always been honest.  I don't have no feelings toward H's son, I have strong feelings... strong, intense, very very negative feelings.  I wish him no harm, that would hurt my H.  But I certainly do not wish him well.  Of course H feels I should "forgive and forget", that he has asked his son to apologize but he will not, and that I need to "be the adult" because his son is a child.  He turns 18 in 3 days.  The behavior described above happened from 13-15yrs old.  Not a "child" whose behaviors should be forgiven when extreme.  The counselor stated that to H, one of his children threatened another one of his children but to me, an unrelated adult sized teen threatened my biological infant.  She asked H if our neighbor's child yelled a physical threat at our 1-1/2 yr old daughter (a little older now that DD 4 was at the time of the threat) would H just accept that the neighbor's 15yr old, 6', 150lb son was just a child, to be forgiven for threatening a 3', 24lb baby with physical harm?  You could really see him trying to spin that around in his head for a while, but of course there is no way.  

Still, H has his laspes where he wants to talk to me about his son.  I try to be cordial and listen, then change the subject without offering any real conversation back.  He asked a few weeks ago if he could take DDs to PrisonMom's big birthday bash for H's son's 18th.  He wanted them to say good bye to "their big brother" who is joining the Navy.  That has been H's big deal lately, his son signed up for the Navy.  Now he is backing out with less then 2 weeks to bootcamp.  But I digress.... PrisonMom has at least 3 registered sex offenders in her immediate family and many family memebrs have, like her, spent some time in prison.  Nope, nope, nope.  My daughters go no where like that.  He fought me for a while and I ended up screaming at him that they are HALF siblings at best, and he met the younger once in her life... he doesn't care about them and they do not even know him.  He tried to prove his point by asking the elder what her brother's name was and she could not answer.  That's not on me, buddy.  You want them to have a relationship, you should have fostered that all along.  I guess he felt I should have done that too... change, feed, teach, bathe, force absent half sibling that is not MY child down their throats...  They are not going to be dragged round trip 10 hours in a car and around a party full of trailer trash and pedophiles just so they can be another two warm bodies paying tribute to H's son's "accomplishments" especially when we now know that he is going to reneg on his commitment to the Navy and not tell anyone until after he has cashed every congratulatory check and had his moment in the spotlight.  Nope, nope, nope.  At least H gave up his fight pretty quickly.  

Now, what should the girls and I do for fun while H is away for the weekend with his spawn?