I'm a SM but also a BM
I have views from both sides. I see the terrible ways my SD's behave and how stupid and evil their BM is, and my BD comes home from her dad and SM's smelling disgusting, covered in cat scratches and eating junk food for 3 days and with a bad cough from being in the cigarette smoke. It is common for her to have corn dogs or brownies for breakfast there because he doesn't get groceries. It got so bad that when she was recovering from the flu+pneumonia I talked ex into letting her stay home with me to recover and heal when really she kept coming home from his house SO SICK and coughing so bad she threw up. Ex was glad to accommodate this, as he had a pool tournament that weekend anyway. Her bedtime there was so screwed up it was affecting school on Mondays. I try not to be that BM that we all complain about on here while also trying to keep my daughter safe and healthy. My grown kids want nothing to do with my ex(their dad) and my teen daughter barely sees him. My 6 year old sees him on weekends but sees he doesn't go to her school events or make time for her. My daughter's SM has 3 teens of her own and one just had a baby so I know things are stressful there. And I had my 6 year old give her a Mother's Day card because she does babysit her when ex is called into work on his weekends and bd says she's nice to her.
I'm posting this because I can definitely see why there are times the BM is irate about things. My ex is really big on lying and denying even when you have proof. To me I am being reasonable...please use the correct carseat, please don't smoke around bd, please get her to bed at a reasonable time so she'll go to bed Sunday night and get enough sleep for school...but to her SM I could be demanding and controlling. I literally speak as little as possible to my ex. I never ever have said no to him wanting to see the kids, I used to let him know about events they wanted to go. But after 2 years of him never taking them to anything I stopped and decided if they want to go to something I'll offer it to ex and everytime, he gives an excuse why he can't take them and he suggests they stay home that night/weekend. I've tried and tried to facilitate a relationship between them.
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That’s nice that you have DD
That’s nice that you have DD give SM a Mother’s Day card. Yes it’s not your role to tell them what to do in their home.
When it affects her health..
When it affects her health...like she had pneumonia and his smoking was making her cough, I do feel I have the right to protect her. Or he wouldn't have her in the car seat safely. There is no other situation in life you have to just shut up and LET someone disregard your child's safety or health.
He’s the other parent. You
He’s the other parent. You need to respect that he’s a full fledged parent. He’s not a child nor is he just a sperm donor. If you think he’s breaking the law call the police or child protection. If whatever he’s doing with his child doesn’t meet the criteria for those two actions then he can feed them all the junk food and smoke around them as much as he wants. If you don’t like how he parents then you find a way to change the custody arrangement. If you’re not going to do that and you’re just going to nag them and complain and order them around expect to be labeled controlling and expect to be ignored. Also expect the SM to dislike you and your controlling ways.
Not trying to be mean. Just
Not trying to be mean. Just matter of fact.
Um...I'm assuming your ex
Um...I'm assuming your ex smoked the entire time you were with him. I assume he smoked around your older kids. You allowed it for years and years while you were together. Complaining about it now that you're divorced won't get you anywhere.
Yeah, I would be upset about the smoking. But there isn't anything you can do about it.
He didn't smoke in our house
He didn't smoke in our house or cars, I DIDN'T allow it. So this is something new he only started after I left him.
But you knew he smokes. If
But you knew he smokes. If his place is kid free most of the time and he smokes in it, everything will stink forever.
I know I will stink after leaving my in-laws because they smoke in their house, but they don't while my son and I are there. I still smell like an ashtray. We get home and have to shower and wash everything.
He may not be smoking around the kid at all, but that stink will permeate everything.
We have a 50/50
And its been rough. Toxic High conflict GUBM is VERY relaxed, unless its something she can pin on someone else. She has dudes and the ex bf she has a restraining order against STILL comes around. She lets Munchkin eat every darn thing, and therefore she is overweight, visibly, with rolls.
I still maintain that what happens at the BM house and what happens HERE should remain separate, unless it is endangering the child. Second hand smoke, and car seats can be considered as endangering, but the other stuff is really beyond your control, unfortunately. You are looking out for her BEST interests - as you should, but unless is child protective services area, its best to keep doing your best and allow dad to be a dad until DD also stops wanting to see him.
When SO's ex-wife complained
When SO's ex-wife complained that we gave the kids too much candy, I got annoyed. Not extremely annoyed, I just thought too bad, none of your business, we'll feed them what we want. When SO's ex yelled at him because he didn't have one of the kids buckled into her car seat, I silently applauded her. I do think there are things that a BM is entitled to bring up, but the list is pretty small. And I would much rather she yell at SO than have the cops waiting at the end of the street to give him a ticket.
I have never ever said
I have never ever said anything to my ex about what he feeds my daughter. The only thing I've ever brought up was the car seat once, the sleep issue once, the smoking around her twice(first after the flu diagnosis then she developed pneumonia) and her stinking once. And the sleep issue was a discussion about how it was affecting her school days. I definitely don't nag lol I usually just vent to my SO about these things.
I agree with this
There were only a few things I yelled at my ex husband about. Failing to inform his mother-in-law about a food allergy while she had the kids and also me not knowing she had the kids on his time and getting a 2 am phone call from a stranger about my daughter's allergic reaction. Yep. Yelled about that one.
His wife doing a home haircut on our daughter. It was awful. I was pissed. I had to pay to have it fixed and deal with a child who didn't want a haircut and went from waist length hair to a poorly done bob.
And him flicking a cigarrette butt out of the car windown and it coming back in and leaving second degree burns on our son. I realize it was a mistake but at the time I wanted to kill him.
I understand this because I
I understand this because I am also a stepmom and bio-mom. There are things I disagree with my ex about, like what kinds of food are good for the kids to eat, but I cannot start fights about that because I would waste my time. No one will care if I do not like the foods he buys. My lawyer said it only matters if the kids have food there, so I do not say anything about this. When he does not practice skills for school and sports with them during his visits, this is also not illegal and saying it more than once will only cause a fight. Nothing will change, and I will waste my time, so I do not say anything about that either.
My husband's ex is sometimes very picky and expects we will ask her permission for all things. She got very angry three years ago when we bought a carseat for stepson to use in our car and did not buy the same one she has. She said anything that is not the brand Britax is not safe. I do not think this is true. I always use Graco seats for my kids, and they have good reviews on Amazon, too. We bought one for stepson, same one my kid the same age as him used then, and we went to an event at the hospital where technicians would check the seats and make sure they were installed well and the right type for the children who use them. They said this seat was good, so we told the ex that she does not get to tell us what to buy.
There are other times when she is right, and I understand her view because I am bio-mom for my kids as she is for stepson. My husband always thinks she is trying to make his life difficult, to take away visitation he should have, and just to cause trouble. She used to do this, but for more than one year, it looks like she is trying to work together. My husband does not see this, and he is very rude to her when she has done nothing. I ask him, "Are you sure she means to mess things up? Do you think she may only want to ask a question?" He never sees anything that is not the worst from her.
One time, she sent some medicine that the doctor had given for stepson, and my husband did not like this medicine, and would not administer it. His ex was very angry about this, and I agreed with her. He also gets very angry when stepson's teachers contact his ex about things. She lives 100 m from the school. We live maybe 25 K from it. She is contact person for most things. Of course they call her. He gets angry about this, and calls her "control freak". He looks like the one trying to control to me. I would not like if my ex did to me what he does to his ex.
I always try to figure out how much I can say when my husband seems wrong and his ex seems right. He will get very angry with me for disagreeing with him, but each year, more often, it seems his ex and I understand what parenting means, and he is trying to control things mostly.