I am friends with a family that has literally been in my life for 60 years.  We spent Christmas Eve together for most of those years.  My parents and her grandparents (best friends) are long gone.  But this family came to my home yesterday for the 4th.   Their youngest child is just a few months older than my DH's grandson.   

My friend's  3 year old son is just so adorable and loveable.   He is so special to me.  I adore him.  I could bore you to tears with all of the adorable things he said yesterday.  I can't believe that as a child that just turned 3 he says please and thank you without being prompted.  He even picked up his napkin and plate and brought it to the kitchen and put it in the trash - totally unprompted.

Makes me think of the 15 and 16 year olds here who cannot do the same.  And my DH's grandson who is just a lump.  Sad and not their fault - yet it is what it is.

Decades ago my BFF had two very small children - a 3 year old boy and a 2 year old girl.  I watched them grow up.  Her daughter was always such a great kid.  The son - well he was not.  But to treat them fairly I went out of my way to be extra nice to the boy.  To this day she talks about what a special relationship I always had with her son.  Forty years later I've never told her that I've never really liked her son.   The daughter is a lovely woman with a great life.  The son is a pathetic loser who is now almost 50.

it doesn't get any better.  Sd literally acts like an infant.  She cries about everything! Finally i got tired of it and began "awww did you bump your noggin baby,  umm so sorry! Does it hurt? Daddy, kiss her boo boo!" She loved it at first, but then heard me doing the same thing with my 2yo nephew, now she hates it and as soon as i start in she stops crying and says,  "I'm not a baby". It helped.  

But yes, sd is overly jealous of dds, which is ridiculous,  i make sure dh spends loads of time with her when ever possible.  Heck right now while I'm young this on the couch with my lovely doggies, he's in our bed with her cuddling playing games on their phones. 

Why is she so infantile?  Why does a 13yo want to watch trolls, the emoji movie, cries anout time she doesn't get her way,  cries when she falls down, can't ride a bike? Because her parents baby her.  

My husband said this to me the other day. He said, "Why did you act so nice when [friend] and her kids came over, but you never act that way to [stepson]? You say you do not like children mostly, but I think you do like children, but pick on him."

I tried to explain, but could never say this part without sounding awful. My friend's kids are wonderful. I sometimes wish they would teach my kids some things! One of the reasons my friend and I get along well is because we like the same things. Both of us raised our children to respect our space, and to be quiet. We are both academic (we met in graduate school), and our children have all been raised to love learning, to enjoy reading, to know science. They talk about interesting things. I love when her children come over and tell me the books they are reading, or show me their art, or ask me about their science projects for school. My friend and I are friends because we are similar people, and we raised our children similarly, so of course we like each other's kids. Neither of us likes most kids. She thinks something is seriously wrong with my stepson, and I cannot disagree.

The part I did explain to my husband was this. I can choose when my friend and her kids come to our home, or if I want to see them another place. I can just as easily say, "Can we all go to Starbucks today?" and not have anyone in our home for that time if I want this. Then they go home, and they come back when I invite them back. Stepson comes over whether I like it or not. I did not invite him. I cannot say he will not come over today if I am sick, or tired, or want quiet. Further, when he is in my home, I am expected to allow him to go in every room. My friend's kids do not go everywhere. They go where they are allowed and I get to make that choice. Stepson always stays longer than I want him to and always comes back before I can recover from the last time, and even though we were together when this schedule was made, I was not allowed a say in it. It is hard for an adult to deal with having no control over who comes into their home, when they do that, and what they do when they're there. It is not normal. My husband still does not understand this.

Turn in back on him. Tell him that you are sorry he feels that way but if you really didn't care for her then you wouldnt....list x,y,z for him. Then move on. Don't let him turn it into a debate.