need to know what questions i should be asking

Forums:

New to this forum. First, I apolgoize for the length of this post. I will try to make it as short as possible, but also to provide some background.

BACKGROUND: Divorced (horrible, horrible marriage...got married for all the wrong reasons "didnt want to be alone" and was too young) currently 40, 12 year old son. Ex wife never remarried. I have been divorced for 11 (!!!) years. I sway from very skeptical to marginally skeptical about the institution of marriage. I had one very serious relationship since my divorce, and we serious talked about marraige, but I broke it off. She had two kids, a few years older than my son. Due to the numerous people I have dated, I think I have a good sense of who is out there and the quality of most women (poor).

GIRLFRIEND AND HER STATUS: Widow, had a sexless marriage, a few years younger than me. Two boys, both a young 6 and young 4. Have no problems between her boys and my son (there is a big enough age gap so there doesnt appear to be competition and my son is used to being the older/alpha kid with his cousins etc..) and she and my son get along great, which is partly because his mother can be a nasty human being. Been dating her for about five months. Objectively, she is a solid "7" for looks. If you grade her on a curve for having two kids, I give her at least an "8". Personality is at least a "9". (Nobody is perfect!) I think she loves me. Sex life with her is great, and I am past the point where the newgirlfriend sex keeps me with her. In short, we do care about each other.

MARRIAGE WILL PRECLUDE SOME THINGS: I have a few general questions, since I am a bit conflicted about where to go from here. The general delima I have is that I can see myself being perfectly happy staying single. My son is 12, and there is light at the end of the tunnel. He is genuinely a great kid. I have a local government job, and I can retire with a pension at age 55, which isnt too far away. I have a ton of hobbies such as photography and international travel, and I can totally see myself doing seasonal jobs and traveling for a month or two or even more at a time. Depsite stereotypes about government work, I work pretty hard, have actual responsibilities, and sometimes I kind of like the idea of being able to do whatever I want at age 55, or even having a second career.

Of course, if I do get married, that would mean adopting her kids (I can't imagine not since the boys have no father around and I would like to be the dad to them, not a stepdad) and I intrinsicly want to have a biological child of my with her. (There is something weird I have about not wanting to remarry and not producing a biological child from the marriage). So, this would mean four kids and not being able to have the option at age 55 to check out. But, and I know this sounds incredibly petty, I am a bit put off by the proposition of not being able to travel. I talked to girlfriend about it, and she says we can work some stuff out like I take a week off before she joins me for a week, but with all the kids around, I dunno how it can be pulled off. I also seriously into photography, which goes with travel.

So, I guess I am curious if anyone has any comments/additional question about the two previous paragraphs.

HER KIDS: I think they gravitate to me. After all, their father is deceased. I seriously will be 100% committed to adopting them if we marry. And I do care about them now. But, they are a pain in the ass when they are together. Constant fighting, shrieking etc.. She disciplines them, but I dunno if the kids have ADD or if they are just a pain in the ass, or if they are really angels, but only need a year or so to sprout halos or what. I do not remember at all my son being a pain at age 4-6. But, I am not sure if I have amnesia.

SOME CONCERNS:

1. The boys lost their father to cancer. Any ideas if they will be permanently psychologically scarred, regardless of what I do? I basically dont want to marry her, adopt the boys, and then have a bunch of terrors, and then having them as adult live-in kids. If I marry, I am going to be 100% committed to them, but I would like to try to project what kinds of issues, if any, I might have.

2. Not sure what kind of marriage I will have. I have serious doubts about the institution of marriage. And I think most people have bad marriages. But, perhaps I found a unicorn. Then again, most people who marry and then divorce thought they had the unicorn as well.

3. How long have you dated before you got married? Do you regret re-marrying?

4. How has the relationship with the stepkids worked out for you? Even if I marry her, adopt the kids etc... do you still think there will be some kind of distance the boys will have to me when they are older, as I can never be their biological father.

5. For some reason, I am not concerned at all about the relationship between my son and girlfriend and her kids. Everything seems OK. Is there anything specifically you think I should be looking for?

I know there is no crystal ball, but its starting to get a bit seirous, and I want to make the best decision for me and also for her. I also dont want to string her along, especially since she has two kids, and they already lost their father...I dont want to do anythign to cause any more loss if things dont work out with their mom. Would be happy to answer any follow up questions as well which you have.

You want to travel and it

You want to travel and it sounds like you really, really enjoy that. If you have to give that up (or even just internationally) for the next 14 years will you feel resentful?

Marrying a widow does not

Marrying a widow does not mean you have to adopt the kids. Adoption would make you the legal father, but it will not erase bio dad. These kids still have paternal grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Remarriage by their mom does not necessarily cut these people out of the kids' lives. In some cases the deceased spouses family accepts the new spouse as part of the family. (My DH is called uncle by most of my kids' paternal cousins.)

Add thinking about a continued relationship to the paternal family to your list of considerations.

A bit odd...the fathers

A bit odd...the fathers relatives are not heavily involved, even though they are kind of local. Regarding adoption....IF we marry, thought it would be best for all for me to adopt, as I wouldn’t marry her unless I was 100% on board with being a dad to her boys.

as an aside, anyway you can tell if a 4/6 year old is going through a temporary phase, or if there is ODD or ADD or something else going on, which I don’t want to get involved with

The quality of women out

The quality of women out there has nothing to do with having kids. Unfortunately, I am not attracted at all to overweight women, which actually gives me a narrow dating pool to begin with. I have dated plenty to know that the person I am seeing has potential.

the general theme I am getting so far is to chill out, it’s only five months, so relax.

OK - so you've been dating

OK - so you've been dating for five months, you're still rating her on her looks, comparing her to what else is out there in a sort of consumerist way and you don't anywhere on this post say you love her?

Perhaps I am nothing more

Perhaps I am nothing more than the typical man, Elk...or I am not that good of a person, and I am out of the bounds of what most men do. I dunno. (not being a smartass with those remarks, btw).

I do love her, but I also know that love is not enough in itself. My job is not to save her or save her kids....but if she is the one, I certainly want and need it to work for all of our sakes.

Maybe

Maybe she doesn't want to be saved.

Maybe she doesn't need you as much as you think she does.

Maybe she wouldn't want you to adopt her kids if you were married.

Maybe she doesn't want to marry you.

Maybe she thinks you're a solid "6.5" and she's settling because the pool of decent men is dwindling for widowed mothers.

It's too soon for you to be

It's too soon for you to be making any big decisions about this relationship. Around here, it's generally felt that you need to date someone for at least two years before considering leveling up in any way.

I suggest you enjoy what you have, while continuing to vet this woman, her parenting skills, her family, and her friends. If her family is dysfunctional, or you notice that she is a weak or ineffectual parent, move on As those patterns will affect your relationship.

This sounds like very

This sounds like very reasonable advise. We need more vetting, but fortunately, I know exactly what details to vet. Of course, there might be other things which crop up as well, but I identified things to look at.

I get the analytical

I get the analytical perspective. I am an Engineer. But... some times an equity life partnership bond is one of those "you just know" things. It certainly was for me when my incredible bride and I met and ultimately married. We met when SS-25 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. We are approaching our 24th anniversary.

My XW had a dating problem, her family ended up making the Sopranos look like light weights and I escaped without having spawned with her after 2.5 years of near sexless hell. She had no problem with sex. She was shopping the pooty to every swinging Johnson she could find. She just didn't participate within the bounds of the marriage.

My bride and I met 3yrs after my divorce.

1. While trauma can certainly influece a child for many years, it doesn't have to define that kid or a subsequent marriage for that kids's parent(s). I raised my SS as my own. I knew that his mom was the person I wanted to make a life with. That gave me a choice. Enter into and live a strained blended family situation or engage as his dad and raise him as my own. His SpermIdiot was in the picture and SS had 7wks per year of visitation with the SpermClan but... other than being the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool and a poor influence they really had little defining influence on his life. Or on our family for that matter. That is because my bride and I made it our goal to protect the best interests of the Skid and keep the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool bludgeoned into submission.

You don't have to adopt her boys to raise them. I didn't adopt my SS-25 until he asked me to when he was 22. We made that happen.

2. Who is ever sure about what life will bring? That includes in a marrage. I will tell you what my dad told me when I balked at pulling the trigger on marrying my incredible bride. "Son, you can either go through life with a series of partners or you can take another shot at building a meaningful life with someone you care about......." We eloped a few weeks after dad and I ahd that talk.

I have had both a toxic marriage and an incredible one. Learning from the first one so I could better serve the second is something I would not change. I would not be who I am as a man, a husband and a father if I hadn't had the experience of my first marriage.

I would not change a thing even if I could.

3. My DW and I dated for 8mos before we eloped. I had been divorced for a bit more than 3yrs when we met and we married very near the 4th anniversary of my divorce. I have ZERO regrets over re-marrying. Though for a brief time I did lament the Corvette, lake side condo and boat I was planning on. Instead I gained the world.

4. I am not my son's BioDad. I was his StepDad. I rased him as my own from age 2 on. He had a relationship and 7wks per year of visitaiton with his SpermIdiot/SpermClan. Ultimately he asked me to adopt him when he was 22. It is impossible to predict how any child will react as they grow up. What I do know is that investing in my Skid, setting behavioral standards, performance standards, age appropriate consequences and partnering with my bride in raising him has been successful. I took those actions of love, the feelings grew, and I am his dad. He chose me just as I chose him and his mom.

5. I am not one for concerns... at least in my own life. I observe, I plan, I fire then I adjust. I am not a worrier. Set the expectations of behavior and how you and your SO will establish and live your equity life partnership and jump in. Adjust as necessary. Keep in mind that as equity life partners you and your SO are also equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.

This has all worked well for my wife and I ... and our son (My former SKid)