A little insight please...
Greetings,
I have been reading for some time the posts and feel I have gained wealth of information and realize I am not alone nor crazy.
Long story short I have dealt with an almost 40 year old controlling, manipulating mini wife (with children). My husband was a widow when we met...we have been married 5 years. He is a genuinely good man, but the leading him around by the daughter went on prior to us meeting and marrying...Disney Dad doesn’t even scratch the surface.
My husband finally about 18 months ago found his set and was real with her. She is a complete master manipulator, has never worked a day in her adult life, and up until 18 months ago never wanted for anything she didn’t get. She did not like being dealt with straight and went on tirades about me, him, our marriage. She even went so far to say she will “blow up our marriage”. The grandchildren have been kept away from him I suspect for punishment. I told him at the time I was completely done with her period and if wanted to stay married he would finally stand up to and get a handle on her...it did not.
It was constant on eggshells even with the grandkids, she made myself and my family feel always like outsiders. Often times she would try to be nice reel us back in being only to abuse again...vicious cycle just sick.
My husband recently out of left field received a birthday party invitation for the grandchildren. He is so torn up over being unable to see the kids and really wants to go to see them for a short visit just for well wishes and of course cards.I do not blame him and I want him to go so that he can see them. I do not have my own grandchildren.
The same old sick to my stomach, worried feelings have surfaced. I refuse to go now or ever and he is FULLY aware she is never welcome in my home again. We have in the last year and a half mailed cards and gifts to the kids without a word till now.
I guess I just wanted to vent, but very honestly, I wish she would have left us alone and not contacted her father forever. All gatherings have been enjoyable since, everyone including the stepsons enjoy themselves are relaxed and there is no black cloud in the air. My husband does know that if it comes to going back to the way it was I am fully prepared to leave as opposed to enduring the psychotic way of life.
You are just where you need to be.
You have created boundaries for your DH. He has shown you that he supports you. He has accepted that SD is not welcome in your home. I DO understand your feelings. SD is a piece of work. But DH should be able to visit the skids as long as he understands you will never serve as a punching bag or a scapegoat again, and when he returns your marriage will proceed as it was before his visit with SD.
Thank you Sandye...
Thank your for your supportive message :)
My husband has shown he is supportive of me in the last year and a half. Prior to that time his daughter was center stage. It finally took me telling him that I would leave rather than continue living on the road we were on.
I believe he and her mother completely ruined and handicapped her. Homes, bills, groceries, vacations, college tuition, private schools for not only her but her offspring made with a total loser...I could go on and on I personally have never known people who have done so much for children.
After the mistreatment went on and on I finally said enough. If we do that for one we do that for all and I am not going to work everyday to be a partnership of doing this. Slowly things came to a stop. Get off your lazy arse and work for all these things you expect!
I guess my fear now is her ability to use, manipulate to get what she wants. She is SO good at it I fear he will fall for or become weak. She is always the total victim...poor thing.
He has indicated to me he really wants nothing to do with her finally understands it for what it is but desperately wants to see the grandchildren. That is a form of abuse and a horrible parent who uses children to get back at someone. I hope he is able and equipped to deflect her maneuvering to get back where the gettin’ was very good.
You're waiting for the other
You're waiting for the other shoe to drop. I get it. I lived with that fear for awhile. I had to reiterate to my DH a few times that my boundaries had not changed (oh sure, DH, I decided I ENJOY being around people who don't like me! What a fun challenge to deal with disrespect...... NOT).
My OSD has perfected the poor victim routine. Doesn't matter what is happening, there's always an excuse. Usually everything ties back to her DH working long hours and she is unhappy about it.....maybe she should think about WHY he works long hours....but in the past this tale of woe worked to get sympathy from DH, money, emergency visits since the poor thing could not manage two kids....that has stopped.
Anyway, hold true to your boundaries. If the other shoe does drop, that's what boundaries are for.
DH's son and his GF told DH
DH's son and his GF told DH that he couldn't see the grandson (who was about a year old) if he would not MAKE me let them use my lake home and my vacation condo whenever they wanted - that I owned prior to meeting DH. The only reason that I even know about this was because DH had me sign on to his FB to upload some picture and I saw the message from the GF.
I'm not sure if DH has seen the GC since as I don't ask. Not my problem. I promise I will never see the child again. Don't wish him ill, but I have zero attachment to him. TBH I'm not sure my DH had any real bond either as he's not into babies. Plus my DH doesn't yield to bullies just on principle.
Sacrificial Lamb ...
Thank you.
The victim situation is quite unbelievable, and until a year and a half ago worked like a charm on my husband as well. The two day email tirade last summer was nothing but a million reasons why she is the victim and quite honestly all of it seemed very mentally unstable.
You mentioned you lived with the fear for a while. How did you overcome it, and what was helpful getting there?
My husband has asked her to see the kids, pick them up occasionally, of course she never responded. In my mind why should she when after a year and a half a simple birthday invitation can get him to the house. She is still playing the game with him, she will not let him take the kids for an afternoon outing...it is part of his punishment. Going when rarely invited but not allow him to pick up the kids puts her back in the driver seat.
My husband and I had the conversation that if she doesn’t answer him about seeing the kids he just needs to be done with it all and take away her last bit of control. If the only time he can have anything to do with grandkids is a bday party every year or so he just needs to let it go. It is her still controlling him only allowing to come to house to see them when she feels like including him. I guess I look at it as acceptance...accepting things you have no control over and just cut your losses as opposed to allowing her control him.
Thank you for your time with this
Your SD likely is dangling
Your SD likely is dangling the grandkids in front of your DH when she feels she has not been chased recently, or is not getting the attention she needs. My OSD does the same thing. My DH asked her if the oldest could visit here this summer, she said she would check the calendar and get back to him. Never happened.
I know you don't like the control your SD has over your DH regarding the grandchildren. While you can have empathy for him, don't take it on as your burden. That's the unhealthy dynamic of their relationship, which was in place before you arrived. My DH says OSD is now punishing him because he dared to stand up to her. How on earth did such a thing happen in the first place that she got so much power in the family? She is is the child! It boggles my mind.
I think I got tired of living in fear of what was going to happen. It helped that DH's eyes were finally opened and he has shown me that OSD is not going to hold our marriage hostage so she feels better about herself. I also got to the point that I was ready to end the marriage if my life continued the way it was. And I still am...if more crap resurrects itself and he starts chasing after bad behavior, I won't be watching it anymore.
How lucky
I know your situations all too well, except it’s my DW and OSS and his girlfriend dangling the skids in front of her. You are lucky in the fact that your spouse have their eyes open to the sickness of their children’s rude behavior. I’m still waiting to see if that will ever happen with my DW. But with a new baby due in September, I only see the situation getting worse.
But the bottom line is that whole family dynamic is messed up. It was messed up before we showed up. We are not responsible for it. We cannot fix it. We can only setup boundaries and live the life we are given. I’m not big on ultimatums, but if things get worse, we all have choices. Stick to your boundaries and make sure your spouse knows they have not changed.
Ultimatums and choices
Sincerely hope things are better for you. I have a hard time determining the difference between giving someone an ultimatum and giving them a choice. When my SD had a meltdown and DH ran out the door, I felt as if I was backed into a corner. I have said that I gave DH the 'choice' of working on the marriage or leaving but to many this would appear as an ultimatum. The reality of the situation was that I had a choice of reclaiming my life, self-respect and sanity by sticking to newly defined boundaries or, for fear of giving an ultimatum, being buried a few feet deeper in 'Stephell' where I had been residing for 20+ years.
When a spouse expects their partner to be subservient to the skids, accept unjustified abuse, treated as if they are invisible or excluded, expected to pay for grown skids and then just smile about it without any support, we are talking about emotional slavery. Many of the posts I've read on this site - including mine - have been about violation of basic human rights. It's about being recognized as a human being rather than an object and that's bigger than an ultimatum or a choice - it's about mutual respect.
So true
I agree with you 100%! There are so many posts here where as the spouse that is abused by skids. It is a violation of basic human decency and should never be accepted as “normal”. I wish I could send a wake up call to all those DHs and DWs that you took vows with your spouse and because your bratty kids have to “have their way” your spouse suffers. But maybe not for much longer.
If DH goes to the GrandSpawn
If DH goes to the GrandSpawn's birthday.. you go with him. Be radiant. Beem your happiness, make it a dropped gauntlet for toxic SD to say a word.
Interface pleasantly with those who are pleasant and be ready to ask SD very publically is she is constipated or something if she gets cranky. When your DH is circulating... circulate with him. Particularly when he is in proximity to SD.
Cockroaches scurry for dark corners when a light is thrown on in a dark roach fill room. Be the light. SD will scurry like the roach that she is.
Anywhere your DH goes, you go. You are equity life partners and neither of you should be displaced by a toxic POS adult. Regardless of who that toxic POS adult is.