Oh, dear. It's truly sad that you and your new DH can't even make it through the honeymoon stage without having these deplorable kids stirring up a stink. My only advice is to hang in there and honor your vows to love each other. I'm assuming that there weren't any promises to love, honor, and cherish his hateful children? 

it may take a while, if it happens at all, for DH to have his eyes opened to what his precious babies are doing to you. It has taken my DH 9 years to begin seeing what he really means to his DD. In the meantime, do what you must to protect yourself. If that means disinviting yourself to family gatherings, not including them in events that you share with DH and your children, or cutting them out of your life completely, do it. 

Just remember that DH can't make them like you, acknowledge you, or treat you any way that you might appreciate. He's still going to see them, and either you'll accompany him, or you won't. Just don't do like I did in the beginning and take it out on him when you feel left out and lonely while he's off having a grand old time with the spawn. 

I'm so sorry to read about the ugly stepsisters at your wedding and how miserable you are tonight.

Give disengagement some time to work for you. I waited way too long to do it, but it eventually was better than enduring visits with my SD. My husband and I don't fight about SD anymore. I don't come home angry, humiliated and resentful that my husband never demanded better treatment from SD. I don't have to be part of the audience for her monologues during visits.

It takes a while to sink in and work. At first, I felt resentful when he went to see SD without me, after all, she was the one who couldn't play nice and demanded I not be included. The reward shouldn't go to the person who behaves the worst! But after a while, I started to realize if I didn't have to see her, there was no need for me to whip myself into an emotional frenzy just because he goes to see her. I don't like her, so why should I get upset? While he's driving four hours there and back, and listening to her drone on about how great she is, I'm painting a room, shopping with my little dog, indulging in guilty television pleasures, binge reading my Soviet art books.

If you disengage, and they see their father alone, as they'd surely prefer, you might also feel as if they got exactly what they wanted -- him without you. But that's just a mirage and you can't indulge that feeling. What they really want has nothing to do with you and they can't have it. You being happy with their father, enjoying your marriage is exactly what they don't want, so strive for that -- not just to spite them (although none of us can deny that tasty side benefit) but because you deserve to be happy.

Right now, yes, you feel miserable. Weddings often do that for a variety of circumstances. Let this blow over. You won't be getting married again and while it's a shame they dampened your day, at least everyone knows loud and clear who they are so no one will blame you for having nothing to do with them. If your situation is like mine, it's holidays and big events such as weddings when SD throws her tantrums. Daily married life isn't so dramatic.

And one more thing. Since I've disengaged, I've noticed SD doesn't seem to have as much time to see my husband. It's almost as if seeing him isn't as fun for her when SM isn't there to shoot full of barbs. Your husband may not see as much of them as time passes when they realize you're not going and visits no longer offer opportunities for them to act out.

So, steel yourself -- it's going to be a bumpy first few years. I thought about leaving my husband quite a few times in the first three years of our marriage and all because of SD. I just thought there was no way I could endure the bullshit. But I found an OK resolution. Consider my advice to back away slowly from the monkey cage, collect yourself, let the dust settle and see how disengaging works.

I really wish you luck. I know how devastating it is to have your honeymoon cluttered with someone else's nasty baggage! Hang in there.

Some excellent advice here- welcome to Steptalk- it is a great place with fantastic people.

Welcome, you are among friends who understand.  As you read these replies you notice how many women live almost the same lives, given this dysfunction. 

Until DH can teach his brats to be respectful of your rightful position as wife, stay away from this sickening abuse.  Believe what you are seeing; I should have sooner---it was just so unbelievable at first; but you are right.  It is..what it is...pure sickness.  Your DH is the enabler and there is zero you can do until he realizes the crisis he has created for everybody.

Stay away from all of them to get peace.  I am so much happier now, my marriage is so much better now; life is completely different, though I never expect complete normalcy. I should have disengaged at the first sign of their sh..t show but thought it was my imagination and that I should keeping trying-big mistake.  Listen to your feelings and trust yourself -from the get go.....

It has been years and I do not want to get too excited but since they can not target me, I think he may be seeing something; I say that causiously, because I know better than to be confident or believe my husband will ever protect me, his wife, with regards to his nasty adult brats. But, they respect him less too, since I am not there to be the family punching bag. They were having too much fun when I was around trying to fit in "their" family, that became clearer to me with each occassion.

Do not waste your time and resources trying to please people who you cannot please, and that includes your DH whenever his nasties are around you. Most of us regret "trying" for so long. You are certainly not alone. The support by experienced friends I found on this site changed my life and helped me recognize myself again.

I understand the joys of having middle-aged step daughters. They were raised to believe they were princesses, and now their knight in shining armor daddeeee has knocked them off their pedestal by actually thinking of his own happiness and introducing another female to the mix.  Not only has the pedestal they had been standing on been cracked, but at their father's age, who is going to get the money when he dies?  Then there is poor poor BM, now standing on the outside of what used to be their family.  My DH and his ex divorced 20 years ago, she is still alone and wants others to feel sorry for her. My SDs still group text the whole family, and also try to get their parents to spend the night under the same roof with me not present.

Congrats on this not taking decades to blow up as it did with some of us. For me I spent 10 years pandering to adult SDs who pretended to like me to look like nice girls to DH, but viewed my kindness and attempts to fit in as weakness.  I won't detail the things they did because they are typical of the nasty manipulative behavior of women who had too much power in their families, whose parents treated them like peers rather than children.  Multiple SDs are an issue and enjoy the game of relational aggression they can play together.  It's a game.  When I had finally had enough, OSD43 put pressure on her father threatening to withhold the grandkids, and told both of us she was going to withdraw from our marriage (not sure why she thought she was part of the marriage anyway?).  What she was doing was setting DH up as to who would he choose? Chase her or stay married to me?

Now many years later, DH has a strained relationship with this Super Princess OSD43, who had never been told no in her life,  who is upset that he finally defended me against her bad behavior.  As a step mother and her self-appointed competitor, I was supposed to suck it up and take it, and he was supposed to stand back, give her his approval, and maybe they would even have a few giggles about it.

Your DH is afraid because he does not want to lose his daughters, especially as he gets older.  Even though he is defensive towards you when you point out their behavior, he is embarrassed.  He won't admit it now. He knows they behaved poorly at the wedding; he knows other people noticed; with his male ego he is thinking about how it makes him look as a father. Reality is neither you nor his daughters are his #1 priority, which is his own comfort. He is going to get defensive towards anyone who threatens that comfort.  He also does not want to admit to himself that his daughters really don't give a damn about his happiness.

His daughters do not respect their father. He likely is a cream puff daddy who thought that love was letting people walk all over him. It is hard for him to demand respect for you because he does not demand it for himself.

You're going to have to decide if you can live without his lack of support when it comes to his daughters' behavior. He will want his cake and eat it too...his new bedwarmer to keep him company while catering to his princesses. Is he easily manipulated? Has a fear of confrontation?  All I can tell you is your upcoming golden years are going to be hell unless you pull yourself out of the equation or outright leave.  Do you want your marriage in future years held hostage by the insecurities and demands of middle-aged women? 

You are not going to be accepted by that family, ever. Don't even try. It still bothers me sometimes that I get along with most everyone, but by virtue of my position I am automatically tossed aside. You will wonder why your family does not act the way his does.  You will lose respect for your DH as he continues to play Daddy Doormat for grown women who should be happy for him, but are not.  The respect loss is hard to deal with, honestly. So is the PTSD.

If you have to go to any event where they are present, have zero expectations for them. Ice them. If people are not kind to you, they are not in your lives.  Only respectful people are allowed in your home. If his daughters choose to not be respectful, then they are not allowed in your home and he will have to meet them elsewhere. How will you feel when he is visiting people who don't like you? At first it feels like betrayal. Who else is he hanging out with who does not like you?  No one - just his children he does not want to lose.  For me, I stopped feeling resentful when I realized I had a choice. I could be in their presence, feeling like crap, knowing they were going to dislike me no matter what I did. But I now look forward to having some "Me" time when he is away and it doesn't happen all that much anymore, because once I took myself out of the situation, The Game is no longer fun for them.

What my DH now acknowledges he should have done was set boundaries with them from the beginning (but this family had no concept of boundaries, given the children having the power and control). He was not getting back together with his ex-wife, regardless of whether you were in the picture or not.  They could dislike you all they wanted, but he expected them to treat both of you with respect or they would see him less.  Your DH will have to decide if he is more afraid of losing his daughters or more afraid of losing you. That's really what it boils down to, even if you don't force him to make that choice. He will walk the fence for awhile trying to make everyone happy. If his marriage is important to him, he will eventually realize he cannot do that. And he will have to make a decision for himself about what he wants his future to look like.  If you think the choice will be to pander to adult daughters at your expense, or that he expects you to just suck it up for the Holy First Family, I would get out now.

If it helps, here are the boundaries/statements I put into place, which have helped my situation.

• • I support you having an age appropriate, healthy relationship with your children.
  • I have the right to live my life in peace away from drama. 
  • OSD and YSD are middle-aged adults and are not on a visitation schedule, so there is no need for me to be involved in your relationship.
  • Other people's issues will not affect me or my marriage.
  • Disrespectful people who hurt my health or environment in any way are not allowed in my home.  
  • You will say nothing that reflects poorly on me and you will not discuss our marriage.
  • I am not the barrier to a harmonious relationship in the family.
  • Billions of men like the company of an adult woman. You should be allowed the same.
  • Your children will not control my marriage and life from afar.  I understand fathers wanting to please daughters but you will not do so at my expense.
  • You will NOT have First Family reunions that include your ex.

I feel bad for you, as I was treated similarly at my wedding to DH by adult steps and their SO's. Thankfully, one of them didn't even show up. The other 2 tried to cause a scene and left early after showing up hours late, if that makes sense. When I invited them to DH milestone events, they pulled the same garbage as your SD's.

So much good advice given here to you here already, so hope I don't repeat anything. 

Your DH needs to grown some and deal with his toxic spawn before it gets worse.

Your DH needs to put your marriage first. He did take wedding vows, and maybe needs to be reminded of those vows already.

You need to stand up for yourself and make it clear to your DH you will not tolerate being treated this way anywhere, by anyone, including his disrespectful spawn.

DH and you need to put up a united front that your marriage will not be disrespected by them. If they continue to mock and disrespect your marriage, well neither of you need to have any relationship with them.

Remind your DH if anyone in your family treated him in such an awful manner, you would have his back. Being your DH, he really needs to have your back also. 

Make it clear to your DH they will not be allowed to come to your home until they apologize. If they cannot, Oh too bad. It is your home also. No one should be treated with disrespect, especially in their own home. 

As far as inviting them to future events, I would just not anymore. Why stress yourself out with even the thought of it? If your DH has a problem with that remind him of what they've done.

As far as being kind to them and trying to include the gskids, Stop if it is going to place any of the toxic twosome near you. 

Dont return their calls, texts, emails, etc. 

Treat them the same way they treat you. 

Don't feel you have to leave any pictures of them up in your home. It is your home. If I have another one of my DH's nosy rosey in laws ask me where pics of the hateful adult skids or the poisoned gskids are, I will just tell them the same place the pics are of DH and I in their homes.

Expect they will try and poison anyone whose ear they can bend against you. This is what my adult skids do. 

Expect they will use the Gskids as pawn to manipulate your DH and will try with you. Again, mine do this and it seems like s common thing. Expect they will also turn the Gskids against you.

Congrats in your recent wedding and good luck with all this. You are not alone.

Ahhh next time you`re around them... make a point of telling them from now on you'll be treating them like they treat you until they terat you better... then go out of your way to shun them the same way.

THey`ll either smarten up, or you`ll never see them again... win win.

My DH did not make a brilliant move, but I did.

The answer is actually fairly simple - you remove toxic aholes from YOUR life totally.  TBH your DH can't make them do anything.  Nor should he be able to make you do anything.  And you need to stick to not letting him bullying you into doing things that hurt you.

Do not ever go to see them.  Do not ever invite them to your home.  But give your DH free rein to go visit on his own.  Of course I do expect DH to spend major holidays with me.  Block them every which way possible.

But do not try to convince your DH of anything.  He is never going to admit they are aholes.  If he mentions their names just nod your head and change the subject.   Do not waste one breath trying to explain to your DH why you are doing this is.  It is "just what you choose to do".

Also stop rehashing what has already happened.  Yes they were horrible as was your DH.  But there's no point in arguing about it for the next decade.  You know what the truth is. Forget about "getting even".  Concentrate on a future where they just do not exist in your life.

You should not let their names pass your lips even to complain about them. You have the power to make them irrelevant in your life.   If you have a supportive DH that can be a good solution.  If you have a DH that is going to have a mantrum if you don't "obey" him and kiss his daughters' rears - well you have a husband/marriage problem and probably need to dump him.

My DH would love it if SS33 and his GF were welcome back into our home. But he never even asks.  I'd like it too if they were even close to being normal human beings.  But they are not.  

I am so sorry you are dealing with this so early in your marriage. I also have a story to tell, including diappointments at my own wedding. The short version is that DH worships his children. He still does.

When he told his kids about our engagement SD cried (an adult, herself engaged). SHE would take care of DH in his old age and she didn't want him marrying me just so he wouldn't be alone. She was sure that was the reason. DH tells me that he was gentle with her but did tell her he loved me and intended to spend the rest of his life with me. She showed up at the rehearsal dinner wearing a t-shirt that said something like "are we having fun yet." Just rude, passive aggressive stuff. You know, I don't expect DH's kids to love me or even like me. But dang, their dad is happy. They could at least acknowledge and support that.

Eventually enough b.s. occurred that he was forced to set her straight about his marriage, after I had a giant meltdown. Even HE was rude to me as he encouraged her antics. I ignored HER for as long as I could, but when he joined in her games, that was too much for me.

Since then it's been pretty calm. Although there are still the occasional passive-aggressive games. Last Christmas she poured cocktails for all the adults except me. I just took DH's. He was embarrassed.

Anyway...15 years into my relationship with DH and things are at least calm. I interact with his kids when I choose to. He knows how I feel about them, but I encourage his relationship with them. But I don't tolerate their games either. I think the turning point for DH was when he realized how unhappy I was and was able to see his kids as less than perfect.

Set your boundaries. Boundaries are about taking care of yourself. Your DH wouldn't want you to tolerate disrespect from strangers, so it's not acceptable from his kids either.

I can't get past that while you were supposed to have the first dance, he was outside chasing his middle-aged children. They have to feel very smug that they lured daddy away from his wife for the couple's first dance, a long-standard wedding ritual.  Since that was a success for them and daddy is defending them, they are sure to continue these tactics. 

If your DH's first concern right now is losing his precious poopsies and he is not begging you for forgiveness over HIS behavior at the wedding, I'd cut my losses now and file for an annulment.  I am sure your wedding attendees would not be the slightest bit surprised after seeing how the SDs conducted themselves and your DH spent the wedding chasing them around.

I was a doormat SM for 18 years before I hit the wall. I married into a very dysfunctional family to a man who was an emotionally distant father, but did not have enough confidence to admit to what I was seeing and experiencing. There was also a lot of cognitive dissonance going on, so it was very confusing. I tried everything to make the skids and my DH's family like me, hanging on to someday...Someday, the kids will behave better, someday, DH will start stepping up, someday, everyone will appreciate all that I do...finally, I had to get real with myself, stop enabling, and stop ignoring the ugly facts.

I have been disengaged for seven years, and wish it was seventeen. I was willing to divorce if I had to, and that's what it took to recalibrate our marriage. DH is now reaping what he sowed after years of non parenting, avoidance, and enabling bad behavior; standing up for me was the end of our relationship with the grandkids, and although he is free to have relationships with his kids and family, he chooses not to.

You've received a lot of great advice from the cream of ST's members. As with some of the others, I'm appalled by your H's behavior at your wedding and don't know if I could get past a humiliation like that. It's a type of sickness or behavoral conditioning, isnt it, for a man of his age to behave so very badly at his own wedding. So, your first choice will be to leave or to stay. The second choice should be how much time you're willing to invest in this battle. Life is short, and you're up against ingrained behaviors in middle-aged people.

If you do stay, you'll need to draw some hard boundaries right away. It's a pity you didnt hammer this all out before you married him, but your SDs are likely going to ramp up their abusive, exclusive behavior now that Daaddee has a new wife. They've demonstrated their dislike for you in a very public way, so be done with them. Your DH can see them outside your home. Let him manage his own relationships - do nothing to facillitate, contribute no emotional labor, no shopping, cooking, gift buying, etc. Erase them from your brain and your life. Also, review your finances. Do not comingle incomes if he is in the habit of being an ATM, and make sure you are financially protected and provided for. Harpies are known to turn into buzzards when a parent is near the end of life.

One good thing about being older is, people are who they are. There's no excuse to be made for a lack of maturity as everyone involved is an adult. Do what you need to do to protect yourself, then move forward.

You've only been married a few a few days? Oh my- you really need to stick around here and listen to these ladies! The signs are not good.

I was brought to tears by your recounting of the dance.  In part because my heart breaks for you.  In part because of my own painful memory.

My husband and I had a very small wedding so we arranged for our two families to all meet at a Caribbean resort.  We arrived at the airport with some of my family. SD was there and whisked him away for the day.  I had no idea where he was or even that he had gone. My family asked who is the bride anyway?

This continued for the entire time.  I made a speech at the big dinner, he did not. He hung out with her and left me and the guests in another area. 

That was 13 years ago.

I tell you this, not to complain about my situation but rather to try to save you from years of heartache.  

It will not get better on its own.  You need to be proactive here.

1.  Follow the advice about boundaries set out above;

2.  Find a good counselor and go with DH on the basis that HIS actions are threatening your marriage- he is the one who has no boundaries and someone other than you needs to make him see that;

3.  I would avoid a confrontation with the SDs - a big blow up would delight them;

4.  Look after yourself and don’t get drawn into their circus.

DH is lucky to have you and you should be treated with love, dignity and respect.

Have you thought about an annulment? It sounds like he wasn't emotionally or even physically present for you during the wedding or reception, jilting you during the reception and the couples dance is unforgivable.  

I hate to tell you but it's only going to get worse. Just because they live out of state doesn't mean they won't drive a wedge between you and DH and make your life a living h#ll.  The wedge is already there, two days in and they have taken control of your relationship.  They have already sabatoged your wedding and reception and next will be daddee's wallet. They will need houses bought, cars, "loans" aka *gifts* they will never pay back.  Daddee will have to take them on expensive vacations without you, daddee will also have to bring BM along and pay her way.  Co signing, giving away his home, making you support him so he can support them and on and on...  You'll just have to suck it up and go along if you want to keep Mr. Wonderful.  

Your situation may be able to change if you put your foot down hard, set boundaries and disengage, but the change may be that he will choose adult SD's and leave. You're going to have to be prepared for the reality of divorce if you dare decide to go against the grain of this daddee and daughter threesome.  

You say he is traveling to them to discuss their behavior.  Make sure he does.  My DH used that line as a way to visit SD alone.  He had a holiday with her and her family and “mentioned the situation “ once, but not for long so as “not to ruin the dinner”. 

Tell him you want proof that he is putting the situation right.  It could be in many forms:  an apology from SDs, an immediate change in behavior or an invitation or note to you.  Something tangible.  Otherwise you risk a continuation.  If he did not have the backbone to stand up at your wedding, you have every right to think he doesn’t have it now.

On this site we try to place ourselves in the shoes of others to gain understanding of their problem but if my brand new Husband ditched me at our wedding and what was supposed to be our honeymoon breakfeast to be with the skids it would be a deal beaker.  Talk is cheap and promises are only words.

Why does he have to leave you YET AGAIN, in order to 'convince' his toxic spawm to accept you as his wife?  He can just as well use speakerphone to inform them that they are to respect you and that his marriage is his top priority.  This way you would be able to hear what transpires rather than trust him to tell the truth.  I really do not want to insult you but it DOES make one wonder what his motivation was for marrying you.  Was he like this before the wedding?

Your DH just doesn't seem to get what marriage is all about.  I'm all for DH's having a relationship with the skids but I would tell him that when he was off again to 'visit' with the skids so soon after your wedding, you will be 'visting' with a lawyer to draw up annulment papers.

If flies off to see his “precious” daughters you should ghost him and file annulment papers while he is off courting them. He could easily talk to them by phone or FaceTime. 

His leaving to go see them is about as blatant a “eff you” as you will find. Please find your inner strength and dignity and refuse to accept the unacceptable from this pathetic loser. 

I am sorry but if only few days after the wedding my DH flew to visit SDs to discuss this or that, I’d be gone when he returns. That’s absolutely ridiculous. You are newlyweds. He chased them at wedding and now will spend honeymoon with them too? No thanks 

Traveling to his daughters "in order to have it out with them" is yet another cake eating action on this man's part. He must have you completely bamboozled for you to go along with this. He could easily have handled this over the phone. Unless there's more to the story, this is the behavior of a deeply enmeshed man. 

Nothing about any of this is normal. Surely your gut must be telling you this? A joyful groom doesn't disappear at his wedding in order to kiss up to his angry daughters. He doesn't leave his bride to eat alone to dine with those daughters on your first day as man and wife, and he definitely doesn't book expensive airfare to visit them both rather than enjoy his honeymoon with you. 

This is emotional incest. It's abnormal, deeply so, and very difficult to overcome. We've had a few other older posters who've grappled with this. Check out posts by Enough and Dunwiththem, and you'll see what heartbreak looks like. Please save yourself.

“Resist over-talking about it.”

Very wise advice that I need to practice more. 

You just married. It wasn't a great day. That happens to a lot of brides for a lot of reasons. That is not the important part of a marriage, in spite of how much we spend and plan. See how this shakes out. No need to call your lawyer.

Your husband will disappoint you in ways you can't imagine, but there will be that other part for which you married him.

I hope he acts now to your satisfaction, but remember he is attempting to change a dynamic that is years in the making. Whatever he does today, he will probably fail down the pike. You just have to keep chipping away at it.

It's hard when that special day is tainted with painful memories. Time to make better memories and forget that day. Next year is an anniversary. I think a do-over is in order if he can straighten out his daughters in the meantime. Take the trip of a lifetime ALONE with him.

My wedding sucked, and while SD didn't help it, she wasn't the reason it sucked. I don't even like to remember that day of my life. But I would have missed out on some great times with my husband had I pitched in the towel right then. I also would have missed out on some awful times with his daughter subsequent to the wedding. All marriages are a mix of awful and blissful.

You're in the very worst of it right now. If you use this occasion to really set expectations for your husband, you'll minimize the time it takes to get to a settled place. The settled place is knowing an upcoming unavoidable event (SD's wedding, for example) will likely bring a blowup with SDs and steeling yourself ahead of time; avoiding unnecessary drama by navigating around them (spending holidays away rather than staying home and having to deal with them); manipulating your husband better than they do (planning so many events with friends, they have no chance to break into your marriage). Yea, it all sounds tawdry, but it's survival! You'll get better at it, and who knows, you might even train him to be better at it too.

it's all out in the open now. Make these vicious women dead to you unless/until they demonstrate a willingness to own their horrendous behavior and greet you with the respect their father's wife deserves. 

Don't speak of them unless your DH wants to address how things will be handled going forward. I wouldn't allow them in my home, for starters. 

Enjoy your newlywedded bliss, but be warned, this isnt over.

Love this line! “When these men do not have backbones, addressing their children usually sounds like this--now, now, be nice to your SM....snicker snicker snicker....."

Also found it interesting that a couple of people above referred to DH is not choosing to put either SM or SKs first in these types of situations, but rather he is choosing to put himself first; as in, it is more important to his ego for him to be seen as a bestie father vs. a good husband to his finger-quotes “second” finger-quotes wife.

When DH and I had our SD’s wedding F-U way back when, he had multiple times to make up for it.  The following year was our 15-year wedding anniversary, and he could have done something as simple as a nice dinner at an expensive restaurant with flowers and a romantic evening, to dazzle and reassure me.  Instead, I had to remind him to get me a card, if I remember right, and then we went out to our usual place for dinner. 

When I decided not to go to SS’s destination wedding two years later, DH could have easily gone alone, but he was basically too chicken to fly alone to a “foreign” country (which it really wasn’t).  He and I discussed, and I told him I thought it was a good idea for him to speak with SS and his fiancé and be honest w/ them and discuss all of the reasons why he was not going, including because of his ex’s role in Shanghaiing him (and yes, me too) in pretty much every way imaginable at SD’s wedding.  Certainly, don’t want a repeat. Anyway, he met w/ his son and fiancé and claimed he did all of this.  THEN, just a few weeks ago, two years after SS’s wedding, we were talking about something, and he accidentally blurted out, “When I talked to son and fiancé about not going, I didn’t say anything at all about my ex’s role in why I/ we weren’t attending.”  WTF?

This was after I told him that part of what still had me upset was that no one was ever held or even knows to be held accountable.  So, to this day as far as SS and SD and BM and others are concerned, they did nothing wrong.  As far as they are concerned, it appeared dad (DH) went along with it, so he had no problem with it.  As far as they are concerned, I and I alone am the one who had any problem w/being treated like a street-walker, wedding crasher at SD’s wedding.   !@#$!  What do you do!?  Manipulative, controlling BM and weak, enabling DH = step hell.  I raise my hand and fully admit that is the situation I am in, and yet I find myself like everyone else saying, “Well, he really is a great guy, except for that.”  Yes, I am a DH.aholic.  I think we need some type of 12 step program modified for SPs.  Really!

"My DH will never say what he says he will say, and will never cause discomfort to the most important person in his life - himself.  He will never remember what he said, although he remembers other stuff.  He just wants the problem to go away."

 And this is why so many SMs are only able to effect change by going postal, threatening to leave, etc. The only currency with a lot of these weak men is threatening their comfort or making them fear displeasing us more than they fear displeasing their children and BMs. Their primary concern is themselves.

I guess I have a different take here on the DH having a talk with the skidmarks about their disgusting behavior. 

I don’t give a flying you know what about what DH says or doesn’t say to Ss33 and his GF. All I care about is that they are 100% out of MY life. And that my DH respects me and treats me well.  

 The trashlings can think that I am the most horrible person ever. Makes NO difference to me. I honestly don’t care if they are dead or alive.  Their stupid opinions are not worth spitting on. 

My DH realizes that he has a fabulous life with me.  Not that I am any perfect goddess, but I brought a lot of things to the table (nice friends, etc.) that DH enjoys very much.  SS for one is a son not a daughter so I am sure that helps.   SS does have a child (2 1/2 year old son) - but I am more than willing for DH to see and spend time with the child.  If SS and his GF want to get all pissy because I have written them off and not let DH see his grandson that is just not my problem.  That's between them.  

And fortunately my DH is not stupid.   He does not try to get me to change my mind or try to place any blame on me.

PTSD is real, and along those lines, I'm finding you almost have to grieve and let go of the husband you thought you had and could have had IF you had gotten to him first.  Sure, we all knew our husbands had children when we married, but we were expecting bonus children, and had barely a clue about the powers of manipulative mom and Disney dad to twist and control our lives.

When this happens (someone else posted this earlier), PTSD is bound to occur:  Hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades of pain, hurt, tears, frustration, angst, worry, aggravation, anticipating the fall of the second shoe, misery, heartache, disrespect all the way around, immense health destroying stress, loneliness, unjustified vitriol (towards you, incl. by none other than the "love of your life"), coming in 2nd every.single.time.

After three years of blogging here, I think I finally had a break-thru today and realized that, as someone said above, my DH is never going to change/ be the man I want him to be or be the man he could be, if he was just able to let go of all of that guilt and shame.  And, that is even considering that since BM cheated on him, if anyone should be feeling the guilt and shame, it should be her and not him.  But, BM's main concern has always been for herself, so she has no problem taking him on.  It is only because DH is "so-o-o nice" (one of the reason why I feel in love with him), that BM can saddle him up any way she wants.  Someone with a nearly zero conscience can pretty much manipulate anyone with a higher conscience every time.  They know how to use guilt.  My DH will never be able to give up his guilt because it is too ingrained into his DNA, and BM and society as a whole, among others, keep trying to jam it down his throat.  I'm more like my dad--I'm 86% sweet, but if you get me riled the wrong way, the 14% mega-be.atch comes out.  I'm afraid my DH is pretty much 99.9% sweet.  He is a patsy, and yes, even weak, but in some ways that is why I fell in love with him.  I wanted a nice man.

He's not getting a pass, tho.  I just realize that I have to accept his weakness and let him (and his family) ride with it.  If they want to be on that bus together fine, but I DO have the ability to remain married to my DH and not ride on that bus or get off whenever I want.  I don't have to put with any of their shiatsu.  I get to choose if and when I interact with them and what I say to them.  I'm not giving my DH that choice any more.  He is just going to do the easiest thing for himself every time.  Me, I'm going to support and defend myself.  If I had to SD's wedding all over again knowing what I know now, at the first jerk-off, I would have just said, "So long. I'm clearly not wanted here.  Honey, you can stay if you want, but I'm taking a taxi," and I would have literally grabbed my stuff and walked out the door, humming to myself along the way.

Just so you know you are not alone, this will not change, and you are putting too much energy into trying to make it all work, thus shorting yourself of a good relationship with your DH and peace in your life.  The day we were married, my SD took our marriage license and threw it across the room and yelled at us for not consulting her first.  I do not like to advise, so I will just put it short and sweet, what I did, after 30+ years of excessive passive aggression from my SD57.

I won't elaborate, you are welcome to read my previous history here.  I quit turning the other cheek.  I quit putting my DH in the middle; he loves his DD, and he is a good father. 

I do not play the games with my SD57.  I give her silence, this drives her into rages, which I ignore and give her more silence.  I do not engage with her or her immediate family in any way.  SD comes to our home to visit her Dad, he is disabled now.  I do not hostess her, I do not speak to her, I completely ignore her; I don't even look at her.  You see, she did that for years to me, so I turned the tables, without one word.  I completely disengaged 5 years ago.  I don't care, I don't feel one thing for her.  

My SD could fall off the edge of the earth and I wouldn't even ask.  I love my peace and I don't have to fight with DH any longer.  

My SD could fall off the edge of the earth and I wouldn't even ask.  I love my peace and I don't have to fight with DH any longer.  

Exactly how I feel.  SS33 just does not exist in my life at all.  Some people here post about being afraid of being cut out of the grandkids' lives.  As you well know from experience that cute little grandchild of a hateful skid almost certainly will grow up to be a hateful GK.  I certainly do not wish my DH's grandson (2 1/2) ill will, but he has shitty parents and nothing I could do will change that so I refuse to allow him to be used as a pawn in my life.

You all are so wise. PTSD is real as you say. Idvilin I let DH read your post. He could not see himself or our situation in your post at all. H I know that I also have PTSD from the situation also. Your post is almost identical to our situation. The sad part for me now is that DH sees me as damaged. He feels that I need to be fixed. You are all so correct in that, it is all about his comfort. He wants me fixed so ,I can be around his kids and grand spawn. His first priority is his comfort and just as it was in his marriage with BM, how it looks to others. The big fake picture. He feels that if some therapist can just fix me(get me strong enough to just take it and suck it up) then he can have his rosey make believe life again. 

So like all of you I am grieving the loss of the marriage and husband that could have been if he would have given up his guilt. I am grieving a true transparent marriage with no secrets. A marriage without having to live seperate lives to appease others. A marriage that is not controlled and minupulated by others outside the marriage. A marriage that comes first, and having your partners back goes both ways. Not just one way. 

People who have not been thru this will just say that you knew he had children before you married him. I also had children before he married me. He has never been treated badly by my children. They have accepted him and treated him with respect from day 1. He has not been abused. He does not have PTSD from narcisstict abuse. 

The difference is that I had a healthy Mother/child relationship with my children. I did not make them my  mini spouses. They saw me get my emotional needs met in adult relationships. I did not use them for my needs. Therefore they didn’t feel threatened that DH was replacing them as my spouse.

His comfort is his number 1 priority.  I really feel now that he likes having 2 wives. Mini wife has been his wife for so long that he is not willing to give up that mini wife relationship. He likes that she treats him that way. I think there is still a competition  between BM and DH for the kids affection. If he gives up the mini wife relationship for a healthy  father/ daughter relationship then he will lose the competition  to BM. SD loves her roll as his mini wife. She is not willing to give up that roll either for a healthy father/daughter roll. She is a narcissist she would never give up that control. She will never own her actions. 

Sickness breeds sickness. Now that SD has a spawn the competition for its affection is up and running. SD is at the control panel. If BM and DH don’t play by SD rules they will lose the competition for the Spawns affection also.  

The sad part is that DH thinks that I am the sick one because all of this has given me PTSD. In reality I am a healthy person who has been been given PTSD by being in a situation of narcisstic abuse and manipulation. That is how we all got here. After seeing DH reaction to reading idvilin post, I can see he will never own his part in all of this. So like you it is now up to me to take care of myself, stand up for myself, make my decisions for myself. I too can decided if I want to stay on the train or when I want to get off..

 I would not be in the frame of mind I am to see the forest for the trees if it wasn’t for all of the support and help from ST. You all are so dear to my heart. 

I think it helped me that I lived a very successful life as a single person for several decades before marrying DH later in life.  I know that I can have a great life without a husband.  I have friends all over the country that truly care about me. I know how to support myself and take care of life's issues without relying on a husband.

I love my DH and our life together.  But I have zero tolerance for letting some POS skid interfere with my life.  I've never explicitly told DH that he can go eat sh*tand die if he wants to push SS down my throat - but I think he knows it.  He's not stupid.  I vastly prefer a life with DH than one without - unless DH wants to let the ahole destroy me.  I think the reason I do not have PTSD is because I do not feel powerless to remedy the situation.