And I Wasn't Invited MORE PAIN
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The two evil SDs invited my husband over tonight. It was to discuss wedding plans for the youngest. I had to pick up my daughter from drivers ed anyway. I held back my emotion, while he talked about the weather (joke) before he left. It was more like a "shuffle & kick dirt" awkward moment.
So he comes home and announces that he oldest daughter announces that she's pregnant again.
Exactly what am I supposed to say??? I wasn't invited. I am hurt, and they keep shocking me. Bottom line is that they are successfully driving a wedge between us. News that is supposed to be happy, is hurtful. Okay, how about this response, "WOW!! I am so excited for you!!! Doesn't apply to me, so now what, honey???"
Oh, and one thing, strangely,
Oh, and one thing, strangely, we aren't speaking to one another. I think those girls put the last nail in the coffin.
Okay. Why does my husband
Okay. Why does my husband expect H A P P Y!!!!!!?? I don't get this. Its so freaking twisted. If I were him, I'd be so pissed at my kids. But he's just oddly sitting there like, Well, my daughter is pregnant and daughter #2 is planning on having the wedding here, but I forgot the hotel.
You know, I didn't even say congrats. I just sat there.
Have you ever kissed your spouse good night but your eyes are looking passed them? Thats what I did. I just looked passed him.
The real sad part about this, is my daughter was working a double shift and her doctor called in a new RX for her. I told her I would pick it up and deliver it to her at her job. He told me he was going to see his daughters at 4:30 pm today. At 7 pm, my daughter texted me with a sad face sign. I FREAKED. Thats what all this is doing to me. I actually almost forgot to get her meds.
And that was it. So these girls treat me like crap, then he gets pissed when I am hurt.
WHAT IS THAT CALLED???
I can absolutely relate to
I can absolutely relate to that: i have been so preoccupied with the hateful skids at times, that i was unavailable to my kids! That's a horrible realization when it dawns. It is very messed up.
Your DH needs to realize his role in all of this. If his kids are hateful towards you, he is enabling them by making it seem like it is ok with him. He has to put his foot down and say that you are a couple, and weddings, births, etc are occasions you celebrate as a couple. The brats needs to be decent and civil. No one cares if they love you or hate you. They need to behave in a civil manner regardless. Just as he would towards their husbands even if he did not care for them. Courtesy and reciprosity all the way.
The way things stand, you are hurt, he gets to be annoyed by your more than natural reaction at exclusion, and he does not see any need to stand up for you - because your response is not justified in his eyes. Of course it is! Is he afraid of them? Of confronting them? Is there a BM in the picture?
I can relate too. All the
I can relate too. All the stories of what his grandkids have done or said. I have no idea how to respond. Why do they even talk about it.. I just don't get it and I also have no idea how to deal with the sadness that comes from being left out... I wish I could say something really helpful.. but I'm stuck in the same position.
Hate to say this, but Ive
Hate to say this, but Ive been wondering...........
So how do you think the conversation is going to go when I tell him that I'm NOT going to his daughters wedding. I see no reason to go. Its not for attention, or to go into "victim" mode. I just don't want anything to do with it.
He's going to say, "But I want my wife there."
Thats what he used to say anyway. I just hate these people. They are crude, pompous, judgmental, manipulative. Its crazy.
By the way, I love both comments. Reading them was like a painful but happy wake-up call.
I am of the same persuasion:
I am of the same persuasion: people who do not understand that you do not invite one spouse without the other to a wedding are not ready to get married. Period.
Could you tell us more about your history with the skids?
One approach would be to have your husband tell them that now that YSD is ready to enter in the *holy* state of matrimony ( can't believe i have just typed that) this is a perfect opportunity for her to rethink things and to mend fences, get together with you and him in order to patch things up. But how deep is the rift? Is there anyone in his extended family who could help mediate that kind of conversation?
My DH made it known to the skids that he would not accept invitations of any kind if they do not extend to me. "Disrespect of my wife is disrespect of me." I would not go without him either, not that anyone in my family would tell me to leave him home.
Pretty simple - when DH says
Pretty simple - when DH says he wants his wife there you respond with "I don't go where I am not wanted". If the bride does not want you there then you shouldn't go. Do something fun with your friends or daughters. I would NEVER let my kids go to the wedding. They might be treated poorly and they don't deserve it. If other family members (the outlaws as I call them) ask why you were not at the wedding at a latter family event you can reply the same. "I don't go where I am not wanted." Then change the subject - it puts the burdon on SD with her extended family.
Call it like you see it whenever you can. No making excuses or glossing it over.
There won't be anyone to talk
There won't be anyone to talk to.
Should I bring a date? HAAAAAAHAAAA!!!
If you don't want to go to
If you don't want to go to this wedding, don't.
I think the tactful thing for them to have done would've been for them to say, "hey dad, we were going to discuss wedding planning tonight. Would you and C like to come?" You obviously wouldn't be able to come or would've had to leave early to get your daughter, but nobody's feelings would've been hurt.
I think a lot of adult skids shoot themselves in the feet. They don't realize they'd get a lot more of what they want if they acted nice in the first place.
Keep yourself and your daughters out of the presence of these toxic people.
Great respose - I agree 200%.
Great respose - I agree 200%. If you treat the SD's like they are people you casually know then you will not care when you are excluded.
I would also take it one step farther. When you DH plans to go to see them say "Oh Good" I wanted to do xyz with my daughter or my friend and then go do something fun for yourself. If he asks for your imput or advise on his daughters I would act puzzled and ask why he would want your opinion since you are not part of their lives? Don't give any opinion or advise. I would also not give any presents. Let DH make those purchases, wrap them, and mail or deliver them.
Remember that DH allows his daughters to exclude you from their relationship. If he wants it changed he is the ONLY one who can demand that they accept all of you or they get none of you. Personally, you are better off being excluded.
disengage and say to yourself
disengage and say to yourself 'his kids are his problem.'
They might be trying to drive
They might be trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband, but he is the one actually doing it.
I wouldn't care if my SD didn't want anything to do with me, but my husband would care a lot and he would tell her so.
Are you actually upset with the SDs or upset that your husband is ok with them treating you that way?
Great advice. I am in the
Great advice.
I am in the same situation, SD would like to erase me from " the family".
Being excluded all the time now hurts and is hard to get used to. it takes time to reprogram and look at it in a different way.
Don't go to the wedding if thats what you want....YOU are in control. it is in very bad taste to invite their dad and tell him he cannot bring HIS WIFE.
They are a couple of losers just like my SD's
Once I quit trying to be
Once I quit trying to be included it helped.
Once I quit trying to include the princess in my life it got even better.
Once I realized that I could exclude SD from my life whenever I wanted I was free.
Too bad for DH (mine and yours) - he has done nothing to make the situation better. Instead he has continued to allow the princesses to be a princess and then wonders why the family cannot be happy.
"butt-kissing festivals" LOL
"butt-kissing festivals" LOL LOL And that is just what it is. Like Catmom says, you need to tell him why you will not go to the wedding - IF you are invited. With the way they treat you, odds are you will be sitting alone and toward the back anyway. Make the day a VERY special day for you. Go out and party and let DH know you are. Let him ponder it while he is at the wedding. As another poster pointed out, it's HIS job to take care of their wedding/baby shower gifts.
"daughter #2 is planning on
"daughter #2 is planning on having the wedding here"
Does here=your house or do you mean your town?
That's interesting that you
That's interesting that you asked that. Its planned for the beach. So he'll be going to the beach without me which is unheard of. Why? We hold hands every where.
We do everything together. He came from a loveless marriage where they nothing together, and same thing on my end.
I do like my time to myself because of that history, but I love the fact that I have this kind of marriage now.
We go to the beach in the spring and the fall on weekends.
1st daughter got married 3 days before my birthday. Her son was born 2 days before our wedding anniversary.
In fact, they try to arrange things on dates that make it difficult.
It sounds like you have a
It sounds like you have a great marriage aside from the step issue. You may want to just disengage and follow the advice here to go out and do something fun every time your husband gets called off to step daughter's planning parties. Most men could care less about planning even their own wedding. He's probably less than thrilled about being at SDs planning parties. If not now, give it time.
Your SDs sound like they are trying to make you feel excluded. Nothing would make them lose their steam as much hearing that you are enjoying DH's absence by having some me time. This sends the message that you really don't care about being a part of their planning. Who knows? You actually may start feeling this way soon. That was certainly my experience as well as other SMs here on StepTalk when we stopped being a willing participant in the exclusion game. If you're not playing, they can't win.
These girls aren't worth the mental real estate they are taking up. Evict them
So here's the low down: When
So here's the low down: When we married, we moved back into his old marital home. His ex would have made it impossible to sell. She trashed it anyway.
His kids made it plain to mine that this was THEIR house. They did damage, mine did damage. It has been a nuclear bomb.
His oldest daughter brought her boyfriend with her. At the time we married, his daughter was 20.
He ended up being a narcissist, control freak, big manipulator. When husband was at work, THEY WENT TO WORK ON ME. I'd walk in the kitchen, say "Good morning". But they were playing house, and wanted the kitchen to themselves. When I walked in, they shut up. I didn't exist. While heating up my coffee in microwave, I could see them behind me from the reflection in the microwave door. OMGosh. The sneers.
When I told my husband a moving van would be out front the following Monday, he kicked them out. They weren't paying rent, helping with chores, nothing anyway. So, they moved in with bio mom. This daughter was never close to bio mom. Her father and he were inseparable until the divorce. She married this loser and they had a 2 yr old. She is 24 now.
The youngest daughter is a carbon copy of her mother. They can't stand each other, but she's a younger, smarter version. I call her Madam Miserable. She is negative, extremely jealous, doesn't like women. She has no real women friends to speak of. She got kicked out twice. I agreed to let her move in AGAIN last August. She brought her fiancé (unemployed, got out of military, but no plan after kind-of thing) back from California, and the bull-shit started again.
You know, I remember when before my husband and I first got married, we were sooooo happy. You know what his kids did? All three of them, including the reluctant 27 yr old son, went to my husband's mother's house told her that he shouldn't get married.
Then after we got married, the oldest daughter actually called her Uncle Billy's soon-to-be ex-wife and tried to get them hooked upj!!!! Yes, she had her call to do like a "check" call on him. Hey, what's going on. How have you been? They were friends at one time when they were both married in this family. They had common ground as they knew they had married badly and that the family were all crazy.
So this daughter tried to play a pretty mean card. I left my former spouse because he was verbally & mentally abusive. My current husband's wife was abusive to her children and to him. One of the reasons, many reasons why I fell in love with him was the way he loved his kids. Always spending time with them. He raised them alone. I raised my alone. When the bull-shit started with his kids, I remember joking that the very thing that brought us together would some day tear us apart.
You know what? This is stupid. There's no sense in explaining the history.
It does hurt not to be included. They will never accept me. He even said that he's afraid when his 27 year old son finally moves out, that he will never see him. I was trying to figure out his statement: 1) is he saying because he hates it here?, or 2) once he's finally independent, he'll just be kind-of doing his own thing for a while. I'm thinking, "Oh for God's sake!" He's a grown man. He's very comfortable here btw. He knows his sisters are bitchy.
I've never stopped him from seeing his children. I want him to have time with them. I just didn't sign on for it to be this way.
I've spent most of my life battling not being accepted. My two older sisters are close in age, very close, bitchey, and jealous. One of them actually admitted a couple years ago that everything was great until I came along and that she never wanted a younger sister. Nice.
What bothers me when I try to detach from these SDs, is that he gets mad at me. I can't win.
But I can tell you that I am NOT going to that wedding. When his 2nd granddaughter is born, I won't be included.
But I will patiently wait until my girls have children.
I can't wait for my daughter's weddings.
I knew this blended family wouldn't be perfect, but damn, this is serious stuff what they're doing.
I'm glad you shared your
I'm glad you shared your story it sounds so familiar. Only difference is when the grown SS's demanded a prenup I gave the ring back. The youngest SS now is about to be homeless and will not even step foot in our house. Not because I said no, just because... well I don't know why. I guess he's too good to be around me or my kids?
I have had issues in my childhood with some of my own family.. and frankly it was easy to shut them out.. But for some strange reason.. I can't get over the fact that I've been so freaking accommodating and still get the door gets slammed in my face.
At the end of the day, no matter how much I truly hate the SS and DIL it remains the DH's issues. I hate it too cause we have a relationship like yours. Always together, we never argue, he's wonderful....... except... the brats. He has never stood up for me and at this point I know he never will. Its his problem and I know this because my kids were taught in the beginning how to be respectful. The rules were: You don't have to like him, But you will always be respectful to him.
Having it not hurt your feelings? One issue at a time.. And let him know there's no point in telling you about "the plans". My DH loves to brag about the grandbabies. I have to stop him and say, I don't want to hear, it doesn't apply to me. Part of his enjoyment is telling how good seeing them made him feel. He wants to share the excitement. NO! If he can't stand up and include you then he can enjoy it ALONE.
They didn't invite you to the
They didn't invite you to the planning of the wedding or the casual announcement of the older SD's pregnancy. Why is that a big deal? It's not a wedding or baby shower, it's the planning stage. The people involved in that phase are coordinating the event, expected to help out on the day, or are helping to pay for the event and therefore get a vote. I think many people only ask those they are close to for help with wedding planning.
I am so sorry! Have you
I am so sorry! Have you spoken to DH yet?
My biggest fear is exactly your story. I am slowly disengaging from my skids, but I still like the idea that someday we will be a blended family. I know, I like to live in a fantasy world. We are not there yet with weddings and grandkids, but soon I think, with oldest SS 24 and in a relationship for 6 years.
I had a bad experience with a "family photo" after OSS sporting event...we had taken a few pictures with me and OSS and both BS with BM. They then asked for a certain family pix and I stepped out of the shot, I assumed that my 2BSs and my DH would leave as well, but then (not sure who stopped them, it was the school photographer) they took another pix with BM, DH, my BSs, and skids. I was pissed, my DH did not know that was going to happen and I am sure it was too fast to do anything. I didn't realize it was happening until it was over. I cried all the way to the "family" dinner afterwards. This has been 4 years and I am still not over it.
Long story, now to the point. I know that this will happen again when skids get married and it causes me a lot of anxiety. I am sure I will be invited, but will feel like I was not. They also know that if I don't go, my BSs do not go. It is not that they want the BSs there, but it is for appearances. They like the idea of having BSs there. They talk about how much they love their half brothers, but when they have to give their time, nothing ever happens. Thankfully at 6 & 3, they don't get it yet.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I made sure there was a photo
I made sure there was a photo of SD with BM and DH. These are her parents. It's not because they are a couple but they are her only mom and dad on her big day. That said, it would be very weird and unnecessary to have a photo of BM with DH and my child and SD?! I think that one was a mistake, it makes no sense (re: post above).
Here's a difference I may have though... No one asked me to step out of any photo and BM has never been rude to me (MIL was the problem). Also, my DH really (really, really) doesn't care to be in the same room with BM so I have no feelings of insecurity there.
If they had asked me to step out of a photo and I knew it was in the spirit of exclusion, it would have resulted in my being angry and hurt. I think that's what's happening in many of these situations.
BM and DH photos can be done in a right spirit (sans meanness). I think it's all the exclusion and meanness towards SM that leads up to these moments that makes them such a trigger.
I have only been on the
I have only been on the website for a week. I had no ideal people were living my life. I'm not glad that everyone has the same drama as me, but just that they understand what I'm going through and there is a place to vent and people actually agree with me and not my husband.
I am so sorry after this many years, you are treated with so much disrepect. Your husband doesn't sound any different than my husband with is daughter. I think everyone has given you great advice and I hope you will be able to stand your ground. Never let those girls see you hurt.
I agree, when his spends time with his children, you should make plans to do something fun.
Hang in there!
I don't think men (our
I don't think men (our husband) understand our emotions in these situations. they look at the situation logically and diplomatically but not with emotions like we females have. They can leave the garbage behind and focus on the issue but we are blinded by the garbage that caused us so much hurt.
Husband's son did not invite us to his wedding, we only found out about it thru family. When husband asked his son, he said he didn't want to cause issues as he was having this all at his mother's house and he knew that his mom did not want us present. Husband ended up going but I made the choose not to go. I didn't want uneasy feelings on a day that was supposed to be special and if stepson had not planned to invite us I was going to leave it at that.