Do you ever feel like DH takes advantage?
I have two kids 18 months apart. A 22 month old boy and 4 month old daughter with my SO. My SO also has 3 boys (3, 6 and a 10 yr old). So at times there is 5 kids at my house. The 10 ur old is highly autistic which makes things VERY HARD sometimes. Anyways, I feel that because I am a mom and obviously do mommy duties (cook, do all the laundry, hell I do all the cleaning - my SO has never washed a dish, touched a vacuum/broom, folded a pair of underwear. I don't think he even knows how to use the washing machine) he takes advantage of that when his kids are here. I have ONE rule...eat at the dinner table. We have a serious issue with ants so I prefer for them to keep ALL food, snacks, drinks in the kitchen. Well these kids have a hissy fit because at their mom's house they can eat in the living room and watch TV. Okay, good for you. I don't care. This is MY house and you can still see the TV from the kitchen perfectly fine. Regardless, if the six-year-old wants to eat in the living room all he has to do is cry and his dad will let him which pisses me off because that's the only rule I have and my SO I don't think cares because he knows that I will follow his kids around with a broom. There have been times when my boyfriend has gone upstairs to our room to take a nap and leave me with his kids. Like c'mon man...we get them every other weekend (THANK GOD) so spend time with them. If anyone should be napping it should be me because I have to wake up with a newborn in the middle of the night 2-3x. And right now, he decided to pick up a day at work so he has been gone since 7am and will be home around 5pm. I help him at bedtime to get the littlest ones bathed and into bed every time. I realize that I stress myself out so much because I am constantly doing more than I should so last night I told myself I am done. I don't get appreciated. I don't get thank yous. You don't help me with the 1 fricken rule I have so for now on I will do bare minimum. To wrap this up, back to last night... I had my newborn and toddler in bed by 8 per usual and usually I would help him out with his kids because they are usually in bed no later than 9 and instead I took myself to bed. My work with MY kids was done. My SO came in our room at almost 10pm and wasn't too happy. I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine and maybe open his eyes to see that what I do is not easy when he isn't home or decides to take his naps. I thought he would be mad at me for bailing on him but he wasn't and like I said he is at work right now and he actually just called me to say thank you for watching the kids. Total shocker.
Being a stepmother is hard work. All I honestly wanted was just some appreciation and I wouldn't mind helping out but when you feel like you're constantly being walked all over, enough is enough. What do you step-parents do when you feel taken advantage of?
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I don't think that you are
I don't think that you are being taken advantage of as a stepmom (I mean, yes you are, but hear me out). I think you're being taken advantage of as a partner and co-parent.
What, exactly, does your SO bring to your home and children? He can't wash a damned dish? I suppose he also doesn't know how to use the stove? Even when I was a stay-at-home parent, my husband (hell, even my ex-husband) would share dinner/after dinner duties. And you bet your a$$ my husband participated in the raising of our kids, to include bedtime routines. What are you getting out of this relationship?
" Anyways, I feel that
" Anyways, I feel that because I am a mom and obviously do mommy duties (cook, do all the laundry, hell I do all the cleaning - my SO has never washed a dish, touched a vacuum/broom, folded a pair of underwear. I don't think he even knows how to use the washing machine) he takes advantage of that when his kids are here."
You need to change your attitude before you can ever expect him to change his. No, what you listed here in the quote I snagged above are not "mommy duties".... these few tasks you've listed are gender neutral household necessities. They can be performed by males just as well as females and there is no requirement that a person be a "mommy" or a "daddy" to do the tasks.
Your BF/SO can help with these tasks 30dys a month. His older children do not need be present to have some expectation that he assist in helping these household necessities get done.
Get this man to assist you in the task on a routine expected basis. Not just help out if skids are around, but so too every day of the month . He can assist with household chores and also with real "daddy duties"(aka tending your joint littles, giving bath, changing diapers, getting up for middle of the night needs). You didn't make these two littles by yourself and they are as much his responsibility as they are yours as "mommy duties". Take turns, spilt the tasks, work out a fair and balanced agreement.
No one is going to thank-you for doing dishes or making sure there are clean towels in the bathroom, but there again, both should be shared responsibilities of normal household task necessities. Once you have him helping and doing normal tasks all month long, go to work on that napping on skid weekends. Give the kids pots and pans with wooden spoons and let them play musical band during Daddy's nap. Or take your two littles out and about and go visit grandma or aunt or just a nice stroller walk in the park. Either one will get Daddy up and off that nap.
You make some very valid
You make some very valid points. I'll admit, as first I felt like I was being attacked when I read your comment but then the more I took it apart piece by piece I realized you are right. And if anything you gave me some pretty good suggestions... "Give the kids pots and pans with wooden spoons and let them play musical band during Daddy's nap. Or take your two littles out and about and go visit grandma or aunt or just a nice stroller walk in the park."
So thank you!
You know that broom you are
You know that broom you are carrying around? You need to shove it up your SO's rear and read him the riot act. It's time for him to grow up.
I needed that laugh. Thank
I needed that laugh. Thank you!
You nailed it in the 3rd
You nailed it in the 3rd question...he just slowly but surely stopped helping. And at first I gave him the benefit of the doubt, he is a foreman of a tree company so not only is his job super strenuous but he works crazy long hours. He is the sole provider. Therefore, now that I am typing this I realize in a way maybe it is partially my fault for letting all this happen. When it is just us and OUR kids at home, I do play the housewife for him cuz after working 10-12 hours cutting down trees and now in this heat I do cater to my man when he gets home. BUT also, I don't mind taking care of MY kids and my SO! But when his kids come over, I do expect help. I didn't birth them. Hell, I don't really even care for them that much. Sorry if I sound mean but it is true.
My son's BD is like this. It
My son's BD is like this. It made for a miserable marriage. Guess what - we're not married anymore (ok well technically we are...). When my son scattered toys all over the livng room and he complained - I said - help me pick them up. He said "You should be doing that because you're the mother..." WTF. I worked outside the home, too nearly full time and actually brought in more money than he did at some points.
He never cleared the table, had to be dragged down for dinner, etc etc etc.
With 5 kids in the house - there is no way that tv should be on during dinner.
There are some things I would cut your guy some slack on - when he first comes home from being in the heat a bit of recovery time before he has to pitch in, I assume the job is fairly dangerous, so I wouldn't ask him to get up in the night - MOST nights - with the baby. Everything else - NO WAY.
Also please don't blame the stepkids for this - kids will get away with whatever they can and they will treat adults with the same respect that other adults in the household give them. It is very easy to blame stepkids for what is basically the fault of their bioparent. Your partner is not giving you respect...