Attending Milestone/Lifecycle Events -- Emotions!
Just got invite in the mail to my adult SS's wife's baby shower. While I like SS's wife and we get along, part of me dreads going to these events.
My DH's ex -- GM of the coming baby -- will be there. My DH's brothers' wives will all be there. Years ago, DH's ex left him and their three children (then 18, 16, and 14), but now, understandably, I believe is trying to make up for lost time by being a loving and enthusiastic GM to her five -- soon to be six -- grandchildren. DH and I go to birthday parties, etc., and will be going -- for years or decades -- to other such events, along with DH's ex/ the BM of his adult children. We even go to her house every Christmas Eve for dinner so their adult children feel supported (my husband feels guilty about divorce) and because DH wants to be with them, and now their little ones.
I want to be gracious but am getting tired of all this exposure to DH's ex. I don't know how to feel when DH seems to expect me to be just as excited about his kids and g-kids as he is. But I just can't...I met SKIDs when we were all adults. They aren't my "babies." And I don't have children of my own. DH is a "why can't we all just get along" kind of person who simply doesn't understand the emotions that these situations bring for me.
At baby shower for one of my adult SDs, when cocktails ended and it was time to go to table for lunch, DH's brothers' wives all went to head of table near SD and her mom, which left no room for me. I ended up at opposite end of table with SD's girlfriends I hadn't ever met. While no one was trying to be rude or exclusionary, this is just what tends to happen: people who have known each other a long time and shared a lot of life experience gather together, and the "newbie" isn't thought of.
Trying to "blend" is SOOOO much harder than I ever thought, and there aren't many places where a person in my role can vent. Most often, I get the message that I should have gratitude (I was a childless widow when DH and I were married) for my wonderful new family. While I am grateful and understand that others could see it this way, they have never been through this unbelievably trying experience of constant exposure to DH's past life and the people in it, which leaves so little room for us to forge an identity as a couple.
Just today, was longing for days when we were dating...it felt like just the two of us. I had my own nice little place, and he would come over. Nothing felt complicated. But getting married and pledging to love your partner the best you can -- when it involves so very much history -- is one of the most painful things I've ever done. Marriage is not for sissies, is it?
Have you thought about
Have you thought about hosting (you and DH) in your own house some of these events? Why are there only events at the ex-wife's home?
Many remarried couples hold separate events. Nothing says Dad can't host a birthday party or just a plain ol' BBQ and leave ex-wife out of it. It's not uncommon for grandkids to get two birthday parties. One at Grandpa's and the other either at Grandma's or in their own parents homes.
Every Christmas Eve dinner at ex-wife's house? You poor thing. I can understand Dad wanting his kids and grandkids for Christmas, but surely he and his children can figure out a way to celebrate one afternoon/evening around the Christmas season without having to hold one dinner and have it be at ex-wife's house.
Invite the kids and grandkids the Sunday before to enjoy dinner in your home. The day or two after Christmas. Whenever works. It would also clear up for DH and you to be just you two on Christmas Eve or day alone or heck, fly off for a romantic beach or ski holiday.
This everybody including BM celebrating at one time and at ex-wife's home should have never got started. Your husband has no idea how this would make you feel... it's up to you to tell him and to offer other ideas as to how he and you can still have kid/grandkid celebrations minus the ex-wife.
It's not even about "everyone just getting along". Pffft. That's a man talking for ya. I'm sure you've been very civil and polite. Sure, you can suck it up occasionally for major events (kid's wedding, grandkid's graduation, baby christening) , but no is no reason or need to make every holiday/family event uncomfortable for you by having to buddies with his ex-wife.
Welcome to Steptalk.
I hear you. I'm younger, and
I hear you. I'm younger, and SO's kids are young, but all of the "joint" stuff makes me crazy. We still attend the joint birthday parties and go to the occasional event with BM's family, but when SO was expected to go to pumpkin carving parties and joint trick or treating and all the holidays with BM and her family, I told him he needed to set boundaries or I was out of there. SO and BM are cordial and cooperative, and I was always invited and he wanted me to go, but it's just uncomfortable for me. Plus I'd like to be able to alternate holidays between my family and SO's without having to worry about BM's family. So now we go to the birthday parties and some school events and the occasional holiday event, but he is no longer feeling obligated to go to every holiday and event with BM and her family. The kids now get two pumpkin carvings and two easter egg hunts, etc., so they're fine with it. I think his ex envisions this magical world where she and her BF and SO and me and her extended family and the kids all do things together. Not happening.
I know if SO and I stay together that there will be many more events that can't be split or duplicated, such as the baby shower you describe. I just wonder if you ever get used to it. I'm glad that his relationship with his ex-wife and her family is good, and I far prefer friendly BM to a HCBM, but it's never easy.
Send a lovely gift to the
Send a lovely gift to the baby shower and send your "sincere regrets because of a previous committment."
Look at each of these invites individually. If you want to go - then go. If not then take a pass, although going every once in a while for your DH's sake would be nice.
I am a childless woman age 70 who married a man with children. I see many of my friends whose lives absolutely revolve around their grandchildren. I have other friends with GC who while they adore their GC choose to have other activities in life and do not fill their calendar with kid stuff.
If your DH is a GP who wants to spend multiple days a week with GC - then it's perfectly acceptable for you to bow out of most of that stuff. Although I'd be unhappy if my spouse chose to spend more time outside the marriage than inside.
From what you wrote I see nothing that says you do not get along with his family. You just don't want them to be the center of your life.
As for the Christmas Eve dinner - that would never have flown with me. Plan a trip with your DH over Christmas so you are not there. That's what I did to break a cycle of where we were always supposed to go for Christmas - except that it was my family I was escaping. "Oh we won't be here this year." But then you could invited his children and their families (but not BM) to your home on another weekend. - samething twoviewpoints is saying.
Just make it clear that "getting along" does not mean dedicating your life to his family alone.
Thanks for Input...Feel SOOO Much Better
Ladies, Thank you so very much for your empathy and great suggestions. By reading them, I realize -- even more than usual -- that I tend to try to please everyone at the cost of my own happiness and peace of mind. Mapitout, you are so right about classes/education about divorce and remarriage!!! I can't count the number of times this has occurred to me. DH and I are Catholic and are friends with the priest who married us (who also, BTW, married him and his ex, baptized their kids and some of the grandkids....and said my late husband's funeral Mass. Are we enmeshed, or what LOL)? This particular priest, when we went for our premarital sessions, essentially said, you don't need counselling, you've both been married before. WRONG! Mid-life remarriage is a totally different animal than a first go-round. And it's terrible to feel that maybe your DH is starting not to like you anymore (and you don't like yourself) because you've become a resentful, irritable, angry b_itch you don't recognize when you look in the mirror!
I love my DH so but feel devastated, deeply disappointed, and lonely at the way many elements of our union have unfolded. He seems so obtuse about the obvious, natural feelings any remarried woman would have about these issues. Notasm3 -- and others -- your posts have shown me that I have choices about what I participate in and how. And how I talk to DH about my feelings and possible solutions to difficulties. I think I've been so upset that haven't been thinking clearly about creative ways to handle things. And this is with our 10th anniversary coming up.
Ladies, again, thank you for each and every insight and suggestion and for sharing your own situations. So glad to know there are friends here who understand. Will keep posting as I try to be kinder to myself, DH, and focus more on solutions than the abject confusion and anger. With hugs.
One More Thing
Mapitout, you said something I had never thought of: that attempts at "blending" can serve to assuage guilt of people whose families have broken up, and maybe they could show more empathy and appreciation for new partners who -- even if they didn't know at first what they were getting into -- continue trying to make it work.
When I've suggested having separate events for the kids so don't have to be with BM so much, DH says, "No one does that. It's too much trouble." When I tell him I don't want to have dinner with his ex on Christmas Eve, he says, "It's once a year. Why is it such a big deal?" Because Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year; it's a sacred day to me, which it isn't to his ex; and because it's hugely symbolic as a holiday that a couple should spend on their own bond. His attitude is that "holidays are for family."
The one week-long vacation we've taken every year since married is a beach vacation which his adult children -- and now their kids -- come to for half the week. He's already over at their houses three times a week -- and spends every Thursday evening and all Sunday afternoon taking care of his 96-year-old father. In addition, his brother and sister-in-law have a beach week for extended family each and every July, usually around the 4th, that DH wants to participate in for part of the week. I have stopped going to that.
Is this overboard, or is it just me?
Introvert Here
Mapitout, You are absolutely right. I am an introvert, and much of it is too much for me. DH's family is used to it (most of them). I prefer smaller groups...otherwise I can't get a word in edgewise and end up exhausted.