Two-Fer. Please Advise. SD12 is self-absorbed - is this natural?

My life in Step He!! has been long and arduous, but short compared to many here. SD19, she lives a few towns over, we never see or hear from her but apparently she is living with her manager at work, has been traveling and is enrolled in classes at a JR college. Whoot.

SD11-ST12, she is with us this weekend, and I am expected to do childcare. SO is off fishing Sunday, and precious snowflake who can do no wrong is wanting to go to church with her friend. Awesome! To be fair, she is a REALLY nice kid, going through puberty, but things are starting to crop up (like I knew from reading here that they would).

Shes been bugging me lately, or Ive been noticing things I did not before.

- Like she constantly interrupts when we are out and about and talking with another adult. I think she only does that with me. To tell me she is bored, without saing that. I dont see her doing that with her father.

- EVERY and I mean EVERY conversation HAS to be about her. If SO and I have a conversation while she is around, she interjects, or asks what we are talking about. If we are at the dinner table discoursing, and the subject isnt about HER or interesting to HER, she will automatically and immediately turn the conversation to HER and what interests HER. To be fair, her father interrupts constantly, especially when his mind is on a specific track.

- I took her to two different parties for the same child one weekend a while back. I made certain she was fed. SO was out fishing and we found out at the last minute because, well Munchkin SD12 doesnt put anything on her calendar, or smartphone that we pay for, even though I have asked repeatedly for her to schedule things, and we went throught the steps on how to do it. She has been getting stubborn with me, which is a surprise because she was always the "easy one". The deal I had with her was that she was going to help me out bu pulling weeds. I asked both days, and either day she either was too tired, it was too late, or I got an attitude. Not a single Thank-You, or anything (except for SO). I do not have my own kids, so it came as a surprise to me that committing to 2 parties over 2 days meant my whole weekend was sort of shot! Oh, and after I made the time to travel 20 minutes to pick her up, she still asked to stay longer. Heck to the no.

- A few weekends after that, she went to a local amusement park with friends, SO was out fishing AGAIN, and asked me to give her money, because her mother was driving her there, and its HIS CHILD. (I never knew that parents were expected to not only support children, but provide entertainment as well! Silly me!) I did - I gave $60 to cover a day pass and food. She thanked me a few times, said it was nice of me, but still no help in trade.

Cut to Today - I havent said anything, but I am no longer providing rides to anywhere or from anywhere but school for kidling. I am no longer buying Halloween costumes, taking her special places for just us together time. She is ONLY interested in her friends right now anyway, and is very particular about where we go and what we do - its no longer very fun taking her anywhere for the sheer enjoyment of being together doing something together. I told her that she needs to schedule her time with her friend and let me know when she is expected back, because I dont plan on being around. And she has been told that if she needs to be dropped off at her mothers then she can forget about the BBq planned with SO and family later that day.

Am I being too hard on Munchkin? I dont know, this is uncharted territory for me. I came in when Kiddos were 15 and 8. It just seems like she doesnt appreciate me at all right now, and SO just shrugs, laughs and sais "thats what being a parent is all about, being unappreciated. Welcome to the club".

Is this what being a parent is all about? Really? You just give and give everything you have, be the shuttle bus, the ATM, the cook and maid, and its NORMAL to not be appreciated? To not get help, to get a bad attitude, be ignored, given silent rreatment, when asked for help?

Well this board is all about this type of thing and the adventures of things that arent really normal, because I disagree. It might be expected of a parent to do these things, but I am not the parent.

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I could've written this

I could've written this myself besides the older skid. I really do care for my SD12. She is a good kid but it's hard to carry out the parenting responsibilities with little to acknowledgement and none of the unconditional love. I do things for SD to help my husband and because I'm a nice person who wants SD to have a nice life. But...

She is only ever cheery and interested in me when something benefits her or when the subject is her. Your SO needs to be playing dad instead of fishing when it's his parenting time, especially if you want to step back for feeling unappreciated or NO REASON AT ALL!

As for the interrupting, ignore it. I continue my adult conversation and SD must wait her turn. If she doesn't stop and it's not an emergency, a raised hand or finger is my go-to. My SD also tries to portray how bored she is with her attitude, short temper, and sighing. Sorry, kid, we are having fun and if you choose not to, that's on you. We don't like to sit at home on the computer locked in our room all day on a beautiful Sunday so pout it up!

Thanks! I googled how parents

Thanks! I googled how parents are supposed to handle the constant interrupting, but it didnt seem appropriate for me, a non-parent that she no longer holds hands with. So yes, next time this happens sure. But I am at the point that her constant complaining and horning in just makes any outing much less enjoyable. I need to add that, when SO and I hug, she still tries to get in betwen us sometimes. "Group hugs" were fine in the beginning, to make me feel included, but now it just feels like intrusion. Plus the fact that when we all three walk along together, she always seems to want whatever side I am on and I tend to trip all over her. Added to this, they will walk hand in hand ahead of me, by themselves. I have read many posts about Disney Dad, and Guilty Dad, mini-wife and mini-girlfriend, and just wonder if this is a symptom or something I should ignore. If I were mother, she would be holding hands with both of us, not me walking behind. So it just makes things less fun.

Honestly

I have three BDs and they all went through this stage at one time or another so I think her behaviour is pretty typical for a preteen/teen girl.

OK, I thought so, but being

OK, I thought so, but being childless, and somewhat insecure in things and not having gone through puberty with my own child - there are no real places that you can find resources - simple experience really. Thanks!

SD is becoming a teenager and

SD is becoming a teenager and they tend to be self absorbed and want to spend less time with the adults in their lives and more time with their friends. That is normal. What isn't normal is for her to be allowed to get out of her chores. If she was expected to help pull weeds, then that is what should have happened. But, I'm really having trouble with your SO telling you that being unappreciated is what parenting is all about when, for him, parenting is apparently just about going fishing while leaving you to care for his child.

YES. AGREE TOTALLY. I

YES. AGREE TOTALLY. I recently became unemployed and I think he sees me as being more available, since I am not in the working world at this particular moment. And this is my contribution in lieu of financial. We work on the chore thing daily (shes 50/50, 5 days on 5 days off) and is responsible for feeding pets, and helping out. It was in the two instances of me taking her to parties, and the attitude I got silent treatment, pouty face that I got the rude awakening

Thanks! I googled how parents

I agree with steppedonnomore!

I agree with steppedonnomore! Dad needs to do less fishing - more taking care of his daughter. Or 2 birds 1 stone - take daughter fishing.

I've banged on before about

I've banged on before about how diluted parenting can get post-divorce, and this certainly seems to be evident with your YSD. Yes, she's pulling some normal bratty tween stuff, but neither parent is putting her in check. This is how entitled monsters are grown.

Further, I think you need to acknowledge that your SO is a very lazy parent. In fact, there seems to be two cr@ppy parents in your situation so I hope you'll keep putting up boundaries to protect yourself from being exploited. As an example, it's NOT okay for your SO to leave his daughter with you while he fishes. Don't enable this poor behavior, and don't tolerate his petty jealousies, either. Your SO doesn't seem familiar with the concept of boundaries in general, which means you need to have extra firm ones. You are not the dysfunctional one, Clove, so be confident in your pov. You're the only objective adult in your situation, and whether you have kids of your own is irrelevant.

You're not being crabby or insecure, but you are witnessing what happens when kids aren't actively parented. Don't hesitate to speak up and correct your YSD; someone in her life needs to care enough to do so. My own mother had several pet admonishments, including Show some consideration!!!, The world doesn't revolve around you, and No chores, no rewards. Feel free to pepper your skid interactions with them...please. I live in the same state as you, and goodness knows we have plenty of slackers here already.

Lastly, good luck in your job search. The sooner you get back in the work force, the sooner you won't be as available for skid sitting.

That age, especially snotty

That age, especially snotty girls (3 raised, 1 more to go for me) need to be checked for their rudeness and general attitude of dictator. Snotty attitude does not get taxi service. Snotty attitude does not get anything! If daddy won't teach her to respect you, then you teach her to respect you. If daddy complains about you being hard on her, then let him deal with her. You have every right as an adult in the home to expect to be treated with respect, from all who live there. She interupts, you say wait your turn, its rude to intrupt. You do that with toddlers, you can do it with a 12yo. She forgets to ask you to go some place, don't take her. I guarantee you that one missed social event at that age will make her more aware of not missing the next one. She is old enough to learn the logical consequences of being thoughtless to the adults she needs to survive. Don't hesitate to say "go ask your dad". Don't bend to him either. They both have become used to being helpless around you. Become incapable of solving all their problems. The free time you gain from this will allow you more time to find that new job.

Girls are tough when you give birth to them. Stepdaughters can be tougher but don't hesitate to draw your own boundaries as person. (I have two of those also.)

Her behavior sounds like

Her behavior sounds like normal pre-teen behavior to me, and it will get worse before it gets better. But pre-teens and teens need good parenting so that they do not turn into unbearable selfish monsters.

I also think your SO may need to cut back on the fishing. His daughter is at an age where if he dumps parenting responsibilities on you (whether you're currently employed or not), you may end up resenting her and her typical teenage behavior, and that's not good for anyone. My SO loves to fish (and hunt), and would do it 7 days a week if he could. But he can't. He only gets to fish on days when his ex has the kids. On his days with the kids (they have 50/50), his non-work hours are spent parenting.

WHY

Is your SO going fishing, when he should take care of his DD. Why is your SD over your house when your SO is out playing. Why isn’t your SO the taxi driver ? It’s his kid. Your are not wrong he is dumping this child on you

SD11-ST12, she is with us

SD11-ST12, she is with us this weekend, and I am expected to do childcare.

I cannot get past this “expected” part. Are you really the live-in childcare provider while your SO is out fishing?

I’m sorry, CLove. This sounds like a horrible set-up to be in.

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Two-Fer. Please Advise. SD12 is self-absorbed - is this natural?

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