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I don't feel joy about my SKids

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Thu, 05/10/2018 - 3:35pm

Today, I was at a workshop for work and the leader of the workshop talked about how when you are creating change you have to acknowledge that many people will feel loss over that change, even if they believe in the change. 

As an example to illustrate his point, he said that when he and his wife got married, they knew they wanted to have a family. Then they had children and they had to deal with the losses associated with having children (e.g. loss of sleep, loss of money, loss of free time, etc). He followed up by saying that the joy of being a parent mitigated that loss for him. In that moment, I realized - and perhaps this is obvious to everyone else - that as a stepparent, I experience all the loss of parenthood without any of the joy.

My SSs are not terrible kids, but they don't bring me joy. They are needy, lazy, entitled, and not interested in much. I feel like I do so much work trying to entertain them, that it's not really worth the effort from me. I don't feel joy at seeing them succeed because they rarely achieve success (just existing is not success to me). They only seem happy when they are given things or someone gives in to their demands. I honestly think that if they were my kids, I would be disappointed in them. DH on the other hand, thinks they're wonderful. Even though he gets annoyed in the moment when they act like ungrateful, dead weight, he seems to quickly forget about that and move back to viewing them as his precious, little cherubs, who deserve to be catered to. This is actually a bigger problem for me - that he expects me to be just as impressed by and smitten with his kids as he is and as my friend has commented they are pretty unremarkable, so it's hard to feel anything except indifference toward them. 

Comments

queensway's picture

Submitted by queensway on Thu, 05/10/2018 - 4:10pm

I wholeheartedly can relate to your blog. My DH expects me to be just as impressed by and smitten with his kids as he is. I have a skid that has cause me such heartache years ago and I will never feel the same way he does. This skid still causes problems but I can ingore it. My problem is DH and his lack of living in the real world when it comes to them. The denial is so large and seems to grow on a yearly basis because he is blind to the manipulation from this skid. I have struggled within myself  and feel the same indifference toward them as you do. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do. And I don't think that it will change any time soon. Sad

StepMamaBear6's picture

Submitted by StepMamaBear6 on Thu, 05/10/2018 - 5:35pm

You are not in the minority nor are you doing anything wrong.  Your husband has unrealistic expectations - as does much of society.  You did not bring these children into the world, grow them into humans that reflect pieces (if not most) of your moral compass or priorities, and you do not have to glow in the presence of their mediocrity.  Tolerance and polite acceptance of them as they are should be more than enough.

notasm3's picture

Submitted by notasm3 on Thu, 05/10/2018 - 9:57pm

I feel utter revulsion towards Ss33 as do most people who have met him.  But dh’s  2nd wife (not BM to this ahole) set the expectation bar low.  When I met DH he asked if I could try to accept SS. I did try.  That didn’t work. 

Myss.Tique D'Off's picture

Submitted by Myss.Tique D'Off on Fri, 05/11/2018 - 7:01am

Thank you for posting this - it is actually pretty good insight into parenting versus step-parenting.

I love my son (13). He is the only child I could have. Yes, it has been hard raising him but I have so much joy in watching him grow up and seeing who he is becoming. I am proud of the person that he is.

Up to around five months ago my stepkids filled me with revulsion - not even indifference which would have been great! They were gross, useless losers! I am sorry to describe anyone in those terms but honestly this is who they were. My STBXH was so proud of his kids - marvelled at them... SD 21 is due to have a baby any day now. Living with Daddy and his girlfriend. SD is a junkie, no education, unemployed lay about. Rude, disrespectful, always causing trouble.  She and her equally accomplished greasy thief of a boyfriend live with Dadddddyyyy - along with their neglected poor dog. Dadddddyyyy is so proud of her. He is going  to be GrandPa. (The last straw for me to initiate divorce proceedings was this self-same Dadddyyyy that I was married to insisting SD and brood move in with us because she had no where to go.)  They were banned from my house after SD's boyfriend tried to steal my work keys/pass - possibly to get at drugs - which are intended for domestic ANIMALS.     

SS17 has changed in the last few months. He was a pot smoking school failing disgustingly unhygenic slob, who thought nothing of sneaking his girlfriends into MY home for sex. This went on for around two years when I left "parenting" to STBXH because I was too strict on SS. Well that was the result and Dadddyyy was proud of HIS boy. My son(11 at the time)  who is academically gifted, well behaved, plays sport, has nice friends, respectful was described by my STBXH as a "goody two shoes Mommy's boy". His son was "manly" and better. 

I have "parented" SS17 over the last 5 months  without the influence of his Dad- and he is normal teenage kid now. Our divorce should be final by this time next month - and SS has chosen to stay with me instead of either of his bioparents and these two disgusting human beings are ok with that. I am glad of it, but what kind of people dont want their own son?? SS is caught up and doing well in school. He should graduate high school with  the summer. He has a part time job where he is doing well. He works in an up market restuarant kitchen and according to the head chef he is doing really well. He is lined up to go to  a hotel and catering school to do  a three year degree specialising as a chef. He is clean and hygenic - no fighting over the need to take a shower. Gave up smoking and drinking and whoring around. This is the SAME kid, without the influence of Dadddyyyyy!  

SS17 and BS13 get on really well - they always have. I am really happy that they have a good relationship. I have a friendly relationship with both, but make no mistake, I am a PARENT, not their FRIEND. I really have to wonder if some kids are just so unremarkable and even disgusting because of what their parents allow. What is allowed in the household environment. Some kids ARE just rotten. However, many are created and shaped  that way thanks to their bioparents - the kids dont really know any better or have better examples.

beebeel's picture

Submitted by beebeel on Fri, 05/11/2018 - 8:38am

This is why disengagement is advised so often. Who wants to keep doing all of the work for none of the benefits? I spend my volunteer hours on more worthy causes than entitled, coddled kids.

marblefawn's picture

Submitted by marblefawn on Fri, 05/11/2018 - 10:09am

Damn, I'd love to take that workshop. Maybe it didn't fix your life. Maybe it just made you realize something kind of sad and that you're unfulfilled. But that's the first step, right? You have to see clearly to choose the right next step.