Disengagement
Forums:
My adult SS and I were discussing disengagement today. I'm curious to those of you who have done it. Would you do it again? Did it make things better for you and your spouse? Did your spouse retaliate and disengage with your children? Would it be ok with you if they did? Did the disengagement bother your children that you had together if any? It was really interesting to hear his thoughts on the subject.
I've disengaged twice. The
I've disengaged twice. The first time I was assured things would change. It was a very short while until SD became worse than the first time I disengaged. I do not plan on engaging with SD again. Disengaging made things much better between DH and I. My DH tried to guilt me into re-engaging with SD - it didn't work. It's all about respect. It doesn't matter who it is - everyone should have the right to live with mutual respect.
You are correct, respect is
You are correct, respect is key. I've only disengaged briefly years ago and it gave us both space. As my SS is now a SF, it is so interesting to hear his views on it years later. Full circle I guess.
I disengaged from my skids
I disengaged from my skids over a year ago. It didn't go well. Now I am skid free forever having left the X four weeks ago. It would never have worked for me and I am SO glad I am out of that crazy...
So sorry fairyo, I hope
So sorry fairyo, I hope everything is better.
So sorry fairyo, I hope
So sorry fairyo, I hope everything is better.
No it isn't, not yet-too much
No it isn't, not yet-too much unfinished business. Tomorrow I move all the big items of furniture into my new apartment- and I will sleep alone in there for the first time. It will be hard- and will my life be better? It will just be different challenges- but steplife has taught me so much, and the wonderful people on here have taught me so much and I am sure that soon it will be great, just a bit of a low point today, sorry.
In another year you will be
In another year you will be thanking your lucky stars that you liberated yourself. It's a big step - thinking of yourself and what is best for you - when you have been catering to everyone else. Just hold on. (((BIG HUGS)))
I'm sure it is hard but once
I'm sure it is hard but once the hard part o moving out is over - I really think you will have so much relief!
It is getting better!! My
It is getting better!! My apartment isn't perfect but I love where it is- I have been surrounded by friends and family and very busy working and enjoying my weekends. I see X from time to time when I go back to the house for stuff- funny how he would never take time off for me but he's seems to have a lot of time off now doing nothing. I have a growing feeling that he is planning to retire soon after all and that his retirement money is going to go to the offspring. It would be typical of him to do that.
I am still looking for that right place to buy for me. I am looking forward to a great summer!!
Best Wishes
I’m glad to hear you have found some peace. This new place I’m sure is not your final destination, but as a first step it is a positive foot forward. Enjoy your weekend and as I like to say “Let the rest of that s#^t go!”
I have been totally
I have been totally disengaged for 5 years; disengagement is much easier for me. The only thing I would do different, I would not engage to begin with. I never engaged with my two grown SS's, we were always just friendly and I don't mean friends, just friendly. We never engaged in each other's lives at all. My SD wanted to be friends, it was a nightmare for 30+ years, until I disengaged. I do not have bio children, therefore no effects to anyone but myself, DH, and grown SD.
Due to the fact that 30+ years, my DH was not supportive at all, I let myself be backed into a corner and it all came out at once. I never suggest that anyone let it go, do not accept the disrespect, do not tell anyone you are disengaging. I suggest taking it slow and do what is necessary to guard against the passive aggression and disrespect as it occurs.
My DH and I are doing well now with my disengagement. SD has shown her true colors to her Dad these past 5 years, as well as many family members. She hates me for my disengagement. I have a peaceful life 90% of the time; the other 10% is only tolerating when she takes time to visit her Dad, who is disabled.
I will never go back on my disengagement; I've made progress that I never dreamed. We have a different marriage and a different outlook on the entire "family" picture. It is what it is. I will never regret it.
Their visits?
What do you do when your SD Does occasionally visit? I try to stay very busy but now my SD is saying that I don't even try to get to know her!!! I DId try in the beginning but yes She's right.. No I don't try to get closer to her and know her better because what I DO know I Don't like and is a know it all disrespectful spoiled 40 yr old girl....
One of the things I found
One of the things I found about Steplife was that whatever you did- it was wrong. Don't try to do what you think they might think is right- they will never be pleased with you, it isn't your role. Just do what you want for yourself and ignore the circus!
How are you doing now?
fairyo, You left the 'circus' a couple of months ago. Just wondering how you are doing? And have you heard anything from your ex or what happened after you left? It is really sad that he was not capable of treating you like a wife. Your words are very inspiring and it is hard to believe everything you did was wrong.
Hi Sandye
Hi Sandye
I'm doing fine- I am renting a place whilst the sale of the house goes through and then I can buy a place of my own. I'm really happy to be 'home' and near my crazy family.
The X has never expressed any interest in me since I left- his behaviour and attitude have made me realise that he wanted this all along but didn't have to guts to say or do anything. I still go back to fetch things when I am working but there is less and less now, I have seen him but the last time he went and hid in his room and didn't come out until after I'd gone.
It is coming up to his birthday and I keep wondering whether to acknowledge it in any way- last year I took him away for a weekend- I don't think he'll be doing much this year which makes me sad but he brought it on himself.
In the end I really couldn't do the right thing- if I said I was sorry and wanted to start afresh he'd say it couldn't be done- and if I tried to speak to him he just said he wanted to leave. I am over it now- my life has changed so much I rarely think of him or his awful kids... thanks for asking. I did the right thing and I'm in the right place.
(((BIG HUGS)))
Yes, you did the right thing. Now you will be able to bossom and fly.
BeverlyKay: My SD57 usually
BeverlyKay: My SD57 usually gives me an hour notice; they live in the neighboring State, three hours away.
First, I latch the door, so SD has to wait for me to let them in. SD has this bad habit of just walking in and announcing herself, like we should be over thrilled for her visit.
Second, I am civil; although I do not engage in any conversation with SD. Sometimes I engage in conversation with my SIL (SD's DH). I like my SIL and he is very respectful to me.
Third, I do not hostess SD and family in any way. I do not offer them drinks, snacks, and certainly not a meal; DH finally began offering a cold drink, just this past two visits, which are only once every 2 months. They have popped in while we are eating dinner; I just ignore them and we finish our meal and then DH moves to the great room to visit with them, I busy myself cleaning up the kitchen.
Fourth, I never walk them out, when they are departing. I let them show themselves out and DH is disabled, therefore, he puts no effort into seeing them off.
Fifth I've heard the ole' sympathy phrase, "you don't make them feel welcome and they don't come often". My answer, "the less they come and the shorter time they visit, suits me fine, in our home".
So bottom line, it's my fault they never come see DH. With the history of my SD, she isn't even allowed to visit her own BS39 and his family. SD made so much hate and discontent with BS39 that he forbids his own BM to visit his family, in his home. So I do not take it personal, just set boundaries in my own home.
My SD57 and SGD34 (mother/daughter) are their own worst enemies. The entire family of DH's and his Ex know what these women are. They have showed their true colors to family, used to be friends, and ex co-workers. Now I love KARMA and she visits often.
I was forced to disengage
I was forced to disengage several years ago, and our marriage is much stronger consequently. Our daughter was never included by them anyway, so she is equally as pleased with never seeing them again. The longer I am disengaged from that brood, the happier I am. Even when he sees them, I am not feeling left out now ( now I feel like it is a priviledge for me now to not be abused and to be able to stay away from "their family)." If you live with a fabulous man who has a deeply ingrained daddeee phobia, disengaging is likely your only choice. HE is not going to change; and needs to experience the natural consequences of his enmeshment. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made- for me.
I didn't announce my
I didn't announce my disengagement, just slowly backed away. Don't know if DH even noticed. It's been a lifesaver as his kids were the only thing we ever fought about.
I will add that DH finally got it through his thick and stubborn head that standing up for me and our marriage was easier than trying to "keep the peace" because I wasn't going to be peaceful about being ignored and belittled. So the nastiness and exclusionary tactics (but they didn't MEAN it) have stopped. And my relationship with the skids is much better too.
I see disengagement as going
I see disengagement as going "No Contact". You have to protect your peace of mind and if you don't have that, what good are you to anyone especially your spouse. You don't owe anyone any explanations. If you choose to disengage just do it and know that you'll be healthier and happier because of it. Live your life and don't allow any toxic miserable people in your circle. The less you entertain their BS, the happier you'll be :).
I treat my disengagment from
I treat my disengagment from SD57 like I would if a friend or neighbor betrayed me. I stay away from my SD57, I do not engage with her for any reason. She is blocked from all my social media and she does not have my personal telephone number or email address.
My SD57 is history in my life (5 years).
I love my disengagment and will never go back on it.
57 years old???
SD57?? Oh boy. That just looks like a tortuous number! Only 34 more years to go for me and SD23!!
I waited 30+ years too long
I waited 30+ years too long to disengage from SD57. It would have been easier then too. Begin now with your SD23; don't let her interfere with your life, like I let my SD stick her nose in. Cut it off now.
Thank you
i was at rock bottom. As a mature woman wuth 2 children, i had found my perfect man. I was in dream world, not knowing how vicious and manipulative step kids can be. Despite being in their own properties and relationships, sd’s role was to be daddys manipulative little girl (in her 30s!). I joined here as total desperation, stressed , upset, anxious and wondering how could I have made such a huge mistake. With a lot if support on here, i finally disengaged from sd and her gran. It has changed my life and saved my marriage. I attend things with my husband and hold my head high. I am proud of bring me and my husband accepts i will never speak with her ever again.
I am still at a loss on the
I am still at a loss on the whole disengagement thing. My 30SS has excluded me from anything where “their family” (DW, 28SS, and 24SD) is concerned. That includes holidays where DW will leave to go spend time with “her family”. What am I? Just her husband. And while I don’t want to be around such disfunctional people, it still is hurtful for her to just leave. So I tried to disengage from 30SS, and I end up being the bad guy where now all of her kids don’t want me around. This seems to have backfired on me because I feel she should not always chose to leave me to see them on holidays. Guess I have some old fashioned ideas about what a marriage should be.
I understand how you feel. It
I understand how you feel. It still bothers me also when DH leaves to go spend time with his family. It really does not seem to bother him at all. He is very happy to go see them by himself. I am not welcome to be there. DH has a gspawn that will be 2 in sept. I have never seen the spawn. I like you don't understand how someone can live 2 lives with 2 families. I can't offer you advice but just support. I guess I have old fashioned values also.
This site is so helpful
This site is so helpful in just knowing there are others (sadly) that are going through all the same things. I’m with you, it’s like they give up nothing and are somehow fine with it. Makes no sense to those of us that believe commitment to your marriage is first and foremost. I would never tell them to not see their kids, especially if the kids really need them. But that can be abused too by skids that want to manipulate their parent. So it’s kind of a no win situation all around.
I found this article about setting boundaries that emphasizes the need to put your marriage first...
http://stepchildrenboundaries.blogspot.com/2014/09/think-most-of-us-have...
Great link and I found a
Great link and I found a familiar name with the winning comment. This is mapitout's response to an adult skid who claims that the new SP wants to parent her.
mapitout: No one wants to parent you, they hoped that had already been done....
Two separate lives indeed
I so agree with you moose. It defies values that we cherish when a spouse spends family time with a family that excludes his wife. It is just wrong. I would never do it. You can be sure that my SD (who refuses to speak to me) would not tolerate it if her spouse was excluded.
I am grateful as well for this site. I know I am not alone.
SS can only exclude you if
SS can only exclude you if you tolerate it. I suggest that you go. Be at your bride's side. Be confident, and be proud. Any time the toxic minions spew their effluent just laugh in their faces and throw out a one liner to make a point.
e.g
"Wow, someone is a little cranky today and needs a nap."
"Your so funnnny."
"How long has it been since you got laid? It may be time to make that happen."
"Well aren't you special."
"Bless your poor little heart."
etc.....
You know them, you know what their likely verbal behaviors will be. You know what their hot buttons are. You know what will likely leave them speechless. Put your script together, gird your loins and be at your bride's side.
Tailor your scripted material to fit the most likely behaviors they will perpetrate and never, ever retreat. There is no need to make any tense interface or conflict a physical one. Make it a cerebral jousting match. Rely on your knowledge of how they tick, what their past behaviors are and ground yourself in your own strengths as you mount this quest.
That is one way that I play the game. And I never lose.
On my first disengagement
On my first disengagement from SS33 I said nothing. I just avoided him which was not that hard as he was living a bottom feeder’s life. Homeless, jobless, lots of drugs and alcohol, living with skank druggies whores
Then somehow he hooked up with a young woman who had an apartment, job, and car. He seemed to maybe have decided to grow up especially after she got knocked upi and they had a child .
SS is still no one that I want in my life. I am so happy for DH to see him away from me. Not anything that I care about at all. Just happy not to have to deal with him at all.
Have two ss. Semi disengaged
Have two ss. Semi disengaged from one we reengaged with him for the sake of the grandkids. Totally disengagned a few months ago. Just have had enough. He never comes around. Lies and makes excuses etc. I willl not go on and on. We have done so much for him and his wife over the years. They had a Birthday party for grandaughther and did not invite us. It has been a long time coming. Dh and I have decided we have way to many others in our lives to let him and his wife cause anymore pain. We need peace and to keep grankids away from grandparents we do not need them in our lives. I have a bio dauther and one chosen stepson. We will be married 25 years in July. It is time to move forward and come to terms with the situtuion and move forward. Our stories are all close to the same on here. Such a great place to get support and offer support to others. I hope that everything works out for everyone.