SHEER TERROR......
At the idea....
Very long story short, life with skids and bm was hell.... it brought dh and I's relationship to its knees.
we ended up moving half way across the country, and even though it's not my favorite place in the world...it's hundreds of miles away from the situation.
We haven't really worked through any of the issues we had concerning this situation... we just don't have to deal with it right now.
My dh just told me, he thinks he wants to move back.
The idea...of living with this....ever again, gives me this.sick feeling. I don't think I can do any of it...have anything to do with it. Which in and of itself....Will cause problems.
I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.... I can understand his feelings, but, I just don't want to have anything to do with it.... nothing has changed, I don't believe it will...
HELP...advice please!
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I peeked at ur
I peeked at ur blog....girl....the stories !!! I don't really have faith it will ever be a tolerable situation.... or that what's best for us...is what will be. The move was best for us, but moving back.... Just puts our feet right back in the fire. The idea of, as u deal with, having this as a part of my every day life again.... I just don't know if I could deal. I am completely disengaged, and plan to stay that way. But, this causes other problems... who knows one day at a time!
You mentioned not working on
You mentioned not working on any of the issues which caused you such stress before -- skids/BM. I think you should make a concerted effort to address your previous life before you jump back in ... counseling, speaking to a pastor, parenting classes, whatever floats your boat and might get DH invested. Consider it lancing a boil.
You have a gigantic, humongous elephant in that living room ... It is so easy to avoid it when you have effectively run-away and avoided the situation. This doesn't have to be overwhelming. I think the fear of talking about how life used to be is worse than actually looking at the person you love and saying "well, that stunk." You need to be clear in your communication about what worked/didn't work and what you can or will tolerate or change this time. Understanding that you can wish on every star but you cannot change DH.
Boundaries: "Good fences make good neighbors."
I have set my boundaries with
I have set my boundaries with skids. The problem is....he believes, I should, maybe not as it once was...but believes I should be involved.... and because I refuse, it caused major issues. From day one.... I was his ex, his daughter, his son and HIS scape goat. I had nothing to do with their divorce or any of their kids issues... but none of them can look to themselves.
Now, when I say, "I will always be polite and kind....but will do nothing and will not be involved...." I'm the problem yet again. I am OK with sticking to my boundaries, and not being guilted into anything. However, my choices an his lack of change and his anger at my refusing to play the game....can take a toll on our marriage. That's what I want to avoid. The first thing I said when he stated he wants to move back home is that we need to see someone who.specializes in step families and get on the same page. Nothing but silence from him. His point of view, really, has always been, if I just deal with it, there wouldn't be problems. But, this has always meant sacrificing my sanity to keep everyone else happy. I'm not going to ever go back to doing that.
I don't want to cultivate a relationship, I don't want to be involved, I don't want to pay for them, or throw parties, or listen to their disrespect, I don't want to constantly clean up after them, I don't want to go back to being involved, ever.
being a step sucks!
I wasn't sure how old your stepkids are, but you do not have to clean up after them etc. If they are that disrespectful, don't do it. and quit letting your dh guilt you into thinking you have to. If he's so concerned he can do it himself, which he obviously doesnt if you are doing it! Ive gone through pure hell with my sd17 and her bm. bm never "permitted" sd to have a relationship with me(and sd lives mainly at our house) and did so much badmouthing that sd is now just a mini bm. my other sd16 is completely wonderful. she was ignored by bm growing up. Now sd17 is threatening to move out to bm and not go to college, her life her choice, her mistake to make. she will most likely grow up to be like bm, unmedicated bipolar narcissicst. she thrives on manipulating people, lying, and making huge negative scenarios. I have basically disengaged. she's not healthy to be around and there are 3 other kids in the house who are doing great things. occasionally i get drawn in to her craziness, but for the most part ive gotten really good and being able to disconnect from it. she went through literally years of counselling but has no desire to change so she will probably never change. BM can now shoulder her.