the most recent meltdown
So to introduce the characters in this (true) story: there are 4 people in my home- me, my teenage daughter, my girlfriend, and her son. We do not have kids together, and are similar to a Brady bunch. There are other (adult age) kids that don't live with us. So the primary issue is always the relationship between my girlfriend and her teenage son. Unfortunately, my daughter and I are often caught in the crossfire. The boy, TZ, was diagnosed with adhd, and most recently IED, which must be a fun new diagnosis for bad behavior.
Incidents between mom and son happen 99% of the time when I am not present. This is not because I'm a big, scary guy, but rather because I'm a man, and TZ likes to bully women, as far as I can tell. Last week, I really thought it was going to be the end of my relationship. I started receiving texts while I was still at work from my daughter, BP. "Dad, it's starting again. What happened earlier? Pretty bad. and (grandbabies) are here. (JZ's adult son has 2 daughters, ages 1 and 2.) He just slammed the door and left..." I have no idea what happened earlier, I wasn't there. But eventually I was told about the incident- TZ wanted to take his school backpack outside to pickup wood scraps because he likes to do woodworking projects on his own. Mom (JZ) said no, not that backpack, and an argument ensued. TZ would not take no for an answer, and it led to a literal tug of war with the backpack because TZ refused to listen to his mother. There was pushing, shoving, and JZ was "accidentally" struck in the mouth during the struggle. Over a backpack!!! WTF!?!!! She took his key and told him to leave, and he did, for an hour or two and then he returned. It took 3 days for me to get the details of that incident, mostly because I had assumed he purposely punched her in the face and I didn't want to know. Things have been tense between TZ and me since. I can't help it but I want him out of my house. For my sake and my daughter's.
There's much more to this story, and many more examples of the craziness I live with but I'll reserve that for another post.
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Comments
"JZ, your son is dangerous to
"JZ, your son is dangerous to this family - my daughter included. I can't allow him to stay here. You need to find him a new place to live. If that requires you to leave, too, then that's unfortunate. However, my daughter is in danger and I won't stand for it anymore. I won't stand being lied to by you. I love and care about you, but I have to protect my daughter."
In most step circumstances, loyalty to a spouse/partner trumps loyalty to a kid - that is, until violence or similar behavior is involved. You're #1 priority in this situation is to protect your daughter. Your #2 is to protect yourself.
I feel badly for your GF whose son has these diagnoses because they're difficult and dangerous. However, this is her and her son's father's cross to bear, not yours and certainly not your daughters.
Next time violence happens, if you haven't managed to get them to leave or haven't left yourself, call the police. Call the police every. Single. Time. It happens. He is a danger to himself and others, and your GF needs to dig her head out of the sand about his behavior. It WILL get someone hurt. It WILL put him in jail. It COULD get him or someone else killed.
Do not wait to act. Act today, for the sake of your daughter.
^ LT. Dad said it all.
^ LT. Dad said it all.
I Know
I know just how you feel..it was the same way years ago when my stepson was younger. (He is now 39) I had 2 teenagers (son and daughter) and newly married to my DH..when his son came over, there was always a fight...he too, had been labeled adhd ( I know this is a real issue, but in this case I felt like it was a title for SUPER bad abnormal behavior) Everything ended up in a screaming match between my DH and his son-EVERY time he was visiting things escalated..even..to the kid punching holes in walls (he still does that) it was always yelling, screaming, I had never seen such a thing in my life. My kids would just walk quietly up the stairs, to to their rooms and shut the door...they wanted nothing to do with it.....SS39 never respected his dad, and he seemed to always get his butt kissed and rewarded no matter how bad his behavior got...sad part is, things really never changed.BTW,.....If your GF kid hit his mom, his a$$ should be in the slammer...dont see this getting any better....
Lieutenant Dad
Listen to Lieutenant Dad- well spoken, and right on..100% correct—great advice.....
Wow. I had to look up IED
Wow. I had to look up IED because I'd only heard of it in regard to roadside bombs. So they came up with a diagnoses for violent asshole, huh? That's nice.
That's what I first thought
That's what I first thought too beebeel... I was trying to figure out how a teenager could be diagnosed as an "improvised explosive device"... But apparently it's a stupid diagnosis??? "Intermittent explosive disorder." All I got from that... Is it's someone who has anger and violence issues and should be in anger management... Not diagnosed as a "condition." *eye roll*
I'm sorry OP. Something you need to look at. Your spouse is your first PRIORITY. But your daughter is your first RESPONSIBILITY. Your wife has the ability to make her own decisions and protect herself. Your daughter is still a youth and needs you as a liason and guide. When it comes to your daughter being in danger, as your first responsibility, she should take presidence in that situation. It sucks I know... But just a thought.
IED
lol we used to call this "TAN-TRUMS."
It is a stupid diagnosis,
It is a stupid diagnosis, they just make this shit up as they go along apparently. TZ isn't bad all the time, hence the intermittent part I guess. But it's bad enough, often enough, that it has me sick to my stomach, in therapy myself, and feeling ready to sell my house to get out of the situation. My daughter is my first priority and responsibility. She wants us to stay together, so no matter what I do people suffer. I did buy her pepper spray, and have her taking a 2nd womens' self defense class later this month.