Marriage - When she wants to get married, but wants to keep her ex's last name
It's awkward to me. She goes on about how she can't stand him, but still insists that "her kids come first, and always will," and that she'll never change her last name (which happens to be her ex's last name and her kids' last name). I'm not first in her life, her kids are and always will be. So, say, her maiden name was Furst... Then she married and took the name Segundo, then divorced. Then re-married and took the name Smith, and they had 2 kids. They divorced, and six years later, I (Java Jones), came into the picture. A few years into it, she reveals she wants to be forever known as Smith, with no mention of me. No hyphen or anything. So, though it's LIKE we're married in MANY ways, we haven't actually gotten married - and to be honest, I feel like she sees her own family as "better" than mine, and I'm sort of the "flavor of the day." If/when we get married, we can both say "Third Time's A Charm."
I've felt slighted and marginalized about a number of things, and this is one of them.
I've been disengaging when she puts her kids first at the expense of her and me, and she knows I don't appreciate it when she makes plans without running them by me, invites kids over for sleepover weekends without seeing if I'm up to it, or other things. It works. But when she goes on and on about him, in the back of my mind, I think, "And still, you prefer HIS name over MINE?"
I dunno... am I off base here? I have been supportive and have put her first in my life - but once she started pulling this stuff, I've been keeping other things waiting in the wings for when the time comes up. When she says she wants us all (her and her kids - and me) to go do something together, I am ready with an excuse to back out if I feel a need to disengage (Ah, sorry, I gotta go see my folks). And, to be honest, that seems a bit unhealthy, though it beats being run roughshod over by someone who told me I'll never be first in her life.
I really think we need counseling because she really thinks she's right - and I really think I'm right - and getting an unbiased third-party to hear both sides and guide us to a clearer understanding would be good. But she hasn't set it up... maybe I'll need to do that.
To add... it's not like my
To add... it's not like my real last name is something awkward like, "Hitler" or "Coxtrong" - so I can't imagine she's saying this to avoid taking an obviously embarrassing name.
I have varying thoughts on
I have varying thoughts on this-
1. It's probably reasonable to want to keep the same last name as your children, but only until they are adults.
2. We are leaving the old fashioned notion that you must take your husband's last name, so it is a little unreasonable to expect exactly that, however she could get rid of her ex's name, return to her maiden name, hyphenate with yours, or make up an entire new surname for herself. There are a lot of options. Keeping the ex's name forever would not fly with me.
I kind of get it.... So my
I kind of get it.... So my back story. I got married at 18, 2 kids- 10 yr marriage. 2nd marriage, I did change my name, it lasted a whopping 11 months of hell and divorced again. I actually went back to my ex's last name, same as my kids. Now, 5 years later, I am getting married again. The name thing is really messing with me. This is a good, supportive, healthy relationship. My family loves him, my kids love him, even my ex likes him. I should have no problems taking his name- right? But here I am torn... My name has changed so many times- When I was adopted at 8, married at 18, married again at 30, Divorced back to married at 18 name, now getting married again?
I have decided to legally hyphenate, but it was a long interal struggle to decide to to do that.
She didn't mention any
She didn't mention any struggle. Basically said, "A lot of people get married and the wife doesn't change her name. I have no intention of changing mine."
I thought, "OK... so you'd rather have <em>your ex's name</em>. Let's see... you don't love him, you think he's a jackass, he treats your kids with a snappy attitude that they bring back to you, and just about every other time you have an exchange with him he gets you really upset. Of COURSE, you'd choose his name over mine." Sadly, all it does is show me where I stand in her life.
I also figured, if she won't take my name, WHY GET MARRIED? We can do a lot just living together. I am all for marriage, but it will need to be a <em><strong>marriage</em></strong> for me to go through with it. I won't do the "arrangement" where we have the certificate but we're living like separate entities under the same roof (had that "marriage of convenience" with X1, won't repeat it).
When she wants to be married to ME, I suppose we can figure out what works for US without her kids being the major driving force. Till then, call me Fifth Wheel, I guess.
I just want to point out,
I just want to point out, that having kids with a different last name than her means that she will be forever referred to as Mrs. Smith, not Mrs. Java.
She more than likely has no feelings towards her ex, nor is she slighting you in anyway in her mind. What if you changed your name to hers? It's not so easy when you think about it. It is more than a name. Does she have a professional career? Changing a name means new e-mails for clients, vendors, banking, so on and etc. It is a lot to deal with and something like this may be her idenitity now. You should talk to her about this and how you feel that the tradition of taking your name is important to you, especially if you plan on having children of your own together.
I'm 55, she's 52; she's post
I'm 55, she's 52; she's post-menopausal, and we'll never have our own kids. Her email uses only her first name. Changing addersses is as much hassle as changing last names. She has a career where she wears a uniform with just her first name. It won't be as hard for her as you're making out, which I know for some folks, it'd be a lot harder.
She flat-out told me that her kids come FIRST and always will. Which tells me a marriage or husband is somewhere else, so I backed off a little because I always know that in a marriage, as spouses, you work together as a team - and she seems to want to be considered a "single mom family"
*with a special guy around.
In that case, sure. That is
In that case, sure. That is exactly what it would feel like if I was in your shoes. At 52... how much longer can she play the single mom card? I am assuming that the kids are all in high school... I don't understand her hanging on to her name at this point... You really need to let her know that you feel this is the make or break for marriage with you.
It is hard to give advice off of a couple of paragraphs. It gets easier once people know your story.
True, it's hard to say in a
True, it's hard to say in a few paragraphs online to an audience of strangers, what we've shared in three years. We're great together, but there are those moments that come up where I feel really VERY second-class. Her son was remembering before I came along, how they lived in a modest home in a modest neighborhood. Now we're living pretty well, and "gee, mom, you must be making a LOT more money now!" Not ONE mention about how my income is more than double hers and how much I contribute and do on a regular basis around there. Feeling marginalized, much? You bet. But I let it slide.
What if you offered to change
What if you offered to change your name to her maiden name, along with her?
That'd be great - that way we
That'd be great - that way we can ALL be named after her jerk of an ex! Lemme run home and suggest that!
*Where's that Office Space meme about wanting to be called MIKE Bolton - not MICHAEL Bolton?*
What does her ex have to do
What does her ex have to do with her maiden name, unless of course it happens to be the same as her ex's name? (I actually do know someone who married a person with the same last name as her maiden name, something common like Smith or Jones. Very convenient.)
Join us in the 21st Century ~ it's great here!
What if she were still using her "maiden" name - would you mind if she didn't change to yours? The answer to that might clarify just what's really bugging you.
She hates the ex and still wants to keep his name for a reason that she says is unrelated to him or you. Maybe it really IS unrelated to him or you. Why can't you trust that? The answer to that might clarify a bigger problem in your relationship...or in your head.
Funny thing is, the very reason she wants to keep the name she shares with her kids is the same reason you want her to have your name - it's a sense of family, relationship, clan. You, of all people, should understand why she wants the same name as her kids because it's why you want her tattooed with your name.
Stop looking at her name as your ownership of her. You don't need to put a stamp on it to own it. What if you were expected to repeatedly change your name? In fact, why don't you consider changing your name to hers? Preposterous, right? Yea, well, it's preposterous every time a woman is expected to change her name too. Patriarchy is dead. You need to join the 21st century or risk losing her over a label.
If I were her, I'd be concerned about how you're making it about you. It's her name - how can you possibly make this more about you than it is about her? Get over it. She has already changed her name as her ownership passed from her father to her successive husbands. Maybe she has the shits of being owned by anyone except her own progeny. Don't die on this hill when she's telling you it has nothing to do with you.
If she's choosing her kids over you, that's another issue.But don't let an outdated symbol wreck your relationship.
Yup. And she reminded me that
Yup. And she reminded me that her kids and her are a "Package Deal" - whereas, I reminded her that I know that, but I consider ALL FOUR of us as a package deal, and I expect to be part of the group.
Get over it? No, there's more to it than a name. Please cut the online scolding, I don't deserve it.
2 things
Chill. Don't take your frustration out on someone else. You came here for opinions and perspective.
Second. I never had a problem with my kid having a different name. He's my kid no matter what. I jumped at the chance to take my husband's name. We are a unit, a partnership, and that's one way to make it known. My mom kept my dad's last name all through her 30 year marriage to my stepdad and I felt really bad for the guy. What a slap in the face.
Why are you funding a family lifestyle in which you aren't counted as family?
Why are you funding a family
I've been asking myself that lately.
Great question, why?
Sympathetic to your situation; sounds like a no-win for you in many ways. Very sorry you're being disrespected & outranked by an ex in your wife's mind... ouch.
Regarding the name, very odd. My DH wanted me to take his name, but he has two ex-wives and his mom using that name (and he doesn't really like his mom), so I really didn't want to join that club. We married after I was in my 40's - my 1st & his 3rd marriage - and I like my last name. I apologized to DH and respect his desire for me to take his last name, but I don't like hyphens so that wasn't an option for me.
However, if we were young and I was DH's 1st wife, absolutely no question I would have been traditional & happily taken his name. For me, being 3rd wife (DH's 1st ex wife is a nice lady, but 2nd ex wife is a nightmare narcissist liar manipulator drama-queen who royally f*cked-over my DH & SS18) and a step-mom has been painful, and I just can't see changing to being Mrs.v3. I explained & apologized to my then fiance/now DH, and he respected my preference.
My DH's EX kept his last name
My DH's EX kept his last name after their divorce. She has two kids, so I imagine that it was partially due to wanting to have the same last name as her kids was a big factor. If her name was different in the small townish place she lives people might assume the kids were concieved out of wedlock..or that she was divorced that both might have negative connotations.
I can also see people keeping a last name if they have established something of a professional reputation with that name.. if she is a hairdresser or whatnot and her clients know that name.. she might feel she loses that identity if she changes her name again. It probably has little to do with any ties to her ex or reluctance to marry you.
No, it's nothing professional
No, it's nothing professional. She says it's her choice. She didn't mention her kids, though I know that's the driver. Her son is pretty much a Mini-Husband.
I guess it is probably more
I guess it is probably more likely that she would have to explain why her last name was different from her kids vs her husband since so many women don't take on their husband's name.
But... if you question her ability to truly commit to you and you see the name issue as a symptom of that then perhaps it isn't the right next step right now?
But... if you question her
That's not the problem.
Nor is it the "Branding."
It's the barrier she threw in my face when she told me she had no intention of taking my name, that basically I'm lower on her Totem Pole than her kids are - and they'll always be higher up than I am.
I thought, "OK, maybe they can pay the mortgage or buy some groceries or help out with the electric bill in the summer when they leave the door WIDE OPEN for three hours in 98 degree weather."
But the disengaging will sort a lot of this out.
After having had 3 different
After having had 3 different names during her lifetime, I think the woman is entitled to decide which last name she wants to have.
Where I live, women keep their maiden names, and a lot of children have hyphenated last names (both parents' last names).
I don't think it has anything to do with you.
Sure, I'll give her that. But
Sure, I'll give her that. But the fact that she rolled it out in a conversation a mere couple of sentences after she told me her kids will ALWAYS come first and all that stuff... coupled with the fact that she expects me to go to all of her out-of-town family holiday functions, but she skips out on pretty much every 17 minute drive to visit my folks (I stopped inviting her), it feels like my family DOESN'T MATTER to her. My family has mentioned it.
Add to that, when she's out of town and I have my son come over, if he sleeps ON MY SIDE OF THE BED, she looks at me with disgust -
But when I'm gone, her teen kids will sleep on MY side of the bed, and that's to be expected. If I gave her the same look, she'd surely tell me I had a problem.
Double-standards abound.
You sound miserable,
You sound miserable, resentful and angry... maybe you should really rethink this relationship....
Maybe.
Maybe.
I'm really pretty happy except for a few things.
As for her taking my last name in a marriage or not, I asked in the opening post if I'm off base. The responses vary quite a bit, from (not literally) "OH MY GOD, GROW UP AND PULL INTO THE 21st CENTURY, you sexist pig" to "That'd be a deal breaker for me."
I'd say there are some folks who read my posts and are assuming I'm a stuffy old coot who believes we should all follow Byzantine rules and think that "The husband answers to God, the wife answers to the husband, and the kids answer to the mom" kind of Puritan beliefs - which is NOT the case.
I'm honestly just seeking other peoples' opinions about what is a going custom (she said, "See, there's another couple who's married, and she didn't take his name!" when one neighbor is living like that, though the husband sorta said they aren't married, so who knows?), and it seems a lot of progressive hipsters who don't want to change names - and a lot of more traditional folks want their wives to accept their last names as a sign of marriage being where people "form as one."
1+1=1
And it's fine, as long as they're happy with whatever they do. I am just trying to gauge it, what are people doing these days, is it as widespread as she's telling me (one example plus tons of Hollywood people), or is it more the exception than the rule?
"Would not a rose, by any other name, smell just as sweet?" What's in a name? It's not that big of a deal, except when your SO marginalizes you and avoids your family while expecting you to join in on (and fund a major part of) all of their 300 to 600 mile drives to visit their family for prime holidays AND BACK.
The argument
This isn't a feminism/patriarchy issue to me.
OP's gf had no problem being cared for financially by a man. Why is no one berating her for that? Why is it only patriarchy when a woman is asked to do something? It's not unreasonable to expect her to give something back in the relationship that would make OP feel fulfilled. She's ok with having her husband's name, her kids have benefitted from the relationship. Whatever bullheaded bluster has come out of OP is incidental to the issue of him wanting the same benefits her other husband's got when he is busy spending his money on kids not his own.
My advice, OP, is to let your little feminist have what she wants. She can pay for her kids, she can pay 3/4 of the mortgage and the utilities and the food. And she can keep her name. All fair and you aren't being taken advantage of.
No..just NO to kids sleeping
No..just NO to kids sleeping in the marital/couple bed. yuck. It does sound like you have more than just the name issue to contend with right now.
It's not the fact that she
It's not the fact that she doesn't want to change her name to Mrs.Java. It is that she would marry Mr.Java and keep her ex-husband's name. Another smack in the face as to where he comes in the priority list where the 'first family' is all that matters and step-parents are just optional extras who contribute everything and receive nothing including respect.
I agree that counselling would be the only way to resolve the underlying issue. The relationship with the partner must be given focus, decision making should be agreed upon by both adults as a team and there needs to be a true partnership in all areas based on love and respect.
And THIS is EXACTLY what I
And THIS is EXACTLY what I mean.
Her ex gets a permanent place in her life because she'll keep that name, and I'm the "baggage."
Allow me to ruminate on that...
...and you're the wallet.
...and you're the wallet.
She may not have the choice because of the Skids
Some Judges are hesitant to grant name change when kids are involved. My XW made a snarky comment during our divorce regarding her desire to return to her maiden name. It pissed the Judge off and he required her to bring lab verified proof to court proving that she wasn't pregnant before he would grant her petition to return to her maiden name. Had she been pregnant he was very clear that he would not have granted her petition to return to her maiden name.
Thankfully I did not spawn with that adulterous cavern crotched whore and getting my name away from her was worth far more to me than anything else I got in the divorce. Fortunately I got everything and recovered my family name too.
My amazing bride gladly and proudly took my family name when we married and has made it even better. We met when SS-25 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. She and SS never shared a name as she and the SpermIdiot were never married. At least DW and SS never shared a name until a few years ago. Even my SS took my family name. He asked for me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen in short order and now he carries our family name on his uniform.
I am one proud dad let me tell ya.
Java, I find myself in a very
Java, I find myself in a very similar situation. I've been married to my second wife for almost a year now and she still uses her ex's last name. She has no professional reason to do so, it's simply because she wants to have the same last name as her younger daughter (whom I have posted about in this forum and frankly can't stand). My wife's ex is a jerk, doesn't do anything for her kids (ages 22 and 19) despite making tons of money but because her little darling (19) has his last name, she wants it too. It frankly sickens me. I've been with her for 8 years now, raised and supported her kids while their father did ZERO, but oh she wants that last name!
I've also been told in no uncertain terms that she will ALWAYS put her kids, and particuarily the younger one that she sickeninly obsesses over, ahead of me.
Truth be told, I honestly wished I had never married her or even gotten involved with her, and am serously considering divorce.
I really feel for your
I really feel for your situation. "As I am, you once were; As you are, I may one day be." I'm really wondering if this is a healthy relationship. She's not perfect and neither am I, but MAN, I feel like her priorities have me so far down the list that I am not even in the picture sometimes. I find grim comfort in that I am at least above the priority of her finances.
I propose you both change
I propose you both change your lastnames. Then it is equally a big PITA for both of you. "Ace" is a good one. "Cox". "Lovelorn". "Cooter". There are soo many good choices.
Maybe find one the kids will like too, and they can also change. "Mariobrothers". "Zelda". "Munchie."
Cooter-Cox...LOL *ROFL*
Cooter-Cox...LOL *ROFL*
Awesome idea. I'll go by
Awesome idea. I'll go by Mortgagecableinternetandallofmyownbills; and she can go by her ex's name, since he's paying her child support and struggling to pay the other bills because she hasn't been working a lot of hours (HER choice) and I wind up paying a little extra here and there.
Believe me, IT'S NOT JUST THE NAME. It's who has a stake in this and appreciates the fact that the other has a stake and is doing the best possible; the fact that I feel like she's strapping me into my own ejection seat isn't a good feeling. She's been in and out of plenty of relationships, and I know I might be one of the many who didn't last.
But keep the jokes coming... I do have a good "gallows humor" side.
I wasnt trying to be an ass.
I wasnt trying to be an ass. Dh has a hard to pronounce name so i didnt change mine right away. We joked about changing both our names and still do.
MIL said dont but i did, but i waited until i changed jobs. I am a professional and had already divorced at the same company.
But point
Other point, She had no problems changing her name for all the other guys. But now there a problem with this person. Is she telling him she doesn’t love him as much as the other guys. It’s the same effort to change her name the other three odd time as it is this time. Just not in her.? And there are so many mother kids different last names out there that nobody cares. Personally if she did it for all the other husbands, she should do it for you.
Not About the Name...at all
I'm sorry that you're in this situation Java...I know it sucks. I'm engaged to a divorced dad of two kids and if he ever told me that his kids come first I would probably have left a long time ago. This seems like a cliche single parents' mantra, "My kids come first my kids come first" Maybe it's said as a way to lessen the guilt they feel about their divorce but I find it to be a ridiculous thing to say, especially when you're entering the dating world looking for a partner to take on you and your children.
We all have things in our lives that are important...our priorities. Each of those priorities require our attention at different times. When work calls and we need to go in early or stay late...that becomes the priority. When our parents are sick and need care, they become the priority. When our kids need us, they take the number one spot. And certainly a partner who loves us should also be a priority. I'm not sure why there would ever need to be a never changing numbered list. Sometimes those kids are at school, with their friends, with their other parent and they don't need you at the moment. It's ok to focus on something else. Kids are important...OF COURSE. But one day they'll grow up and have wives or husbands and families of their own and their parents won't come first so...maybe it's a good idea to build a layered life with lots of important priorities.
My issue with your SO is that she doesn't seem to care about your feelings...maybe I'm wrong. I say this as an engaged woman entering into a marriage with no intention of changing my last name. I had a conversation with my fiance about this and I explained why I didn't want to change my name and I asked him how he felt about it. I didn't just state that this was what I'd be doing...end of story. I'm 38 yo marrying for the first time a little bit later in life. I have an established career with my name and I feel strongly about keeping it. This was a discussion...not a proclamation. I'm open to changing my name in the future if we have kids and he feels differently. It's not a closed issue.
I would be hurt if there was a hard line on anything without some discussion, explanation and compassion involved.
I would also stop paying for anything if my feelings weren't being taken into consideration.
Name or not ...
...you've got much bigger problems with this relationship, Java.
Based on your age and your financial situation vis a vis supporting this woman and her kids - IMO you would be a fool to marry. Even if a relationship is all rainbows and unicorns, there should be a big yellow flag when marrying ANYONE later in life, and especially those who have children, yourself included.
Take that basic premise, and add in your obvious resentment/unhappiness and you have a recipe for disaster. Why not just continue to live together - that way, it will solve the issue of her changing her name, and will prevent possible financial ruin for you. This woman has flat-out TOLD YOU that her children are first and so she will use whatever means necessary (including your assets, perhaps surrepticiously, when she's your wife) to ensure they are taken care of.
That's not just while they are minors, either. She will do that even when they are adults and when they have kids of their own. It won't end. Go over to the "Adult Stepkid" forum section and read the horror stories of 40- and 50-year old "kids" who still have their parent wrapped around their little fingers.
I tend to harp on the financial aspect of things simply because I have seen absolutely disastrous results from people marrying later in life and losing control and/or assets to bad "stepfamily" situations. If you think you need counseling now, why in the world do you want to continue with this relationship - let alone consider marrying?!!
As for the name thing, my ex and I had no children together but I still have his last name even though we've been divorced for 20 years. I had a career where my name "brand" was vital and changing it would have been very difficult. It's also quite more involved than an address change - it is a mess to have to change your name with business info, tax info, financial resources, social security, etc.
But then again, I don't hate my ex and never did. It was just a bad marriage. My current SO could care less about my name. His ex never even fully took his name, even after they had two kids together.
Keep in mind that if your partner takes YOUR name and the marriage doesn't work out, you can't force her to dump YOUR name either! So if she goes off the deep end and becomes a felon or something ... it's YOUR name she'll be using.
P.S. For what it's worth, there are many cultures/countries where the woman does not take the man's family name. So it's not universal ...
I totally agree
And you're right. There are many cultures where the woman keeps her name from birth to death and the children take both parents' names. I don't really think it's about honoring your relationship. To me being faithful, honest and loyal honor my relationship much more than changing my name. I could change my name and be a total cheater and liar. To each his own.
If you want a traditional
If you want a traditional marriage you'll have to choose someone who has the same values as you, this chick does not.
She's right in wanting to keep the same last name as her kids, being a divorced parent I totally get that. You're right in wanting a cohesive marriage where you both share the same name and make joint decisions. You're not going to get it in this situation.
Do you realize how many single women out there would love to have your name and the life you have to offer?! Unless you have an "ours" child I'd make a run for it and start a new life. Clean slate man.
Java---I realize I am
Java---I realize I am arriving late in your thread. From an outsiders view, there are more hurtful issues going on besides a name change. In my opinion her decision to NOT take your name was the topper that has given you pause.
Moving on with this marriage sounds like a lousy idea. One should not enter into a marriage feeling used and unappricated.
MAYBE it would be best to not get married until the kids are UP and out. Then she may not feel so obligated to keep their fathers name. Odddd to me since she took xdh' last name when she married him but now, as a divorced mom, on the heels of another marriage, she refuses to take your name.
NOPE I think postponing this marriage should be explored.
That's why we were working toward marriage, then The Conversation came, and I got pretty cooled off about the idea.
The second greatest gift I
The second greatest gift I received from my XW following the divorce was that she petitioned the court for the return of her maiden name.
She was not allowed to pollute my family name with her cavern crotched adulterous whorish ways any longer and..... my name was not tainted by her family embezzlement business that put my XMIL in Federal prison. Thank heavens that I did not spawn with that woman.
The last I heard she has had 4 different names. Her maiden name at least twice, my name, her second husband's name, and her third husband's name. She cheated on me with then bred with (twice.. .out of wedlock) and ultimately married her 2nd husband. She cheated on him with her 3rd husband who she was pregnant by when her 2nd husband booted her ass out. She spawned out of wedlock with her 3rd husband before he would marry her.
I am blessed that my incredible bride of 24+ years has my family name. She makes it better. As does our son (my former SS) who asked me to adopt him.
I was married the first time
I was married the first time at 19, took his name and was known for another 19 as that name. Divorced for 3 years before planning a wedding to husband #2. This discussion came up becasue I have 2 children that have the same last name as my ex husband and myself at the time. My now husband was furiouse when I brought up keeping the last name same as my kids. He was "offended" that I would consider keeping my ex's name. When I looked at it I wanted to keep my last name that my children have, the name I've been know as for 22 years. It was more about my identity than about my ex. I think for men to think that a 30 or 40 something year old woman should just "take their name" is out dated and male chauvenism. I brought up to my current husband that we could change our last name to my maiden name and he thought it stupid. So why do men think it should be automatic for a women to change her name but unthinkable for a man to change his? Have we not evolved at all? I wish I would have been more persistant in keeping my last name same as my kids. It becomes such a hassel with school, medical and dental appointments. It's like people think they arn not my kids but my step kids are. It's frustrating from the femal perspective.
It is a very personal choice.
It is a very personal choice.
Personally, I find it weird that my DH's ex has his last name still. It would be awesome if she'd change it back to her maiden name. But it's her choice...and if she wants to have the same last name as her kids, so be it I guess.
Mine too
DHs ex keeps his last name just to piss him off. They got divorced after their kids were grown so there was no reason for her to keep it .She still wants to be known as MRS., even though they are divorced .
I have experienced the Name dilemma from many sides...
I kept my ex-husbands name because I wanted to have the same last name as my child and it was back in the 80's before divorce was really popular. It is not to say people weren't getting divorced but my son was the only one in his class with divorced parents. I thought it was easier to match. Plus, I was known professionally with my ex's last name and all of my degrees were in that last name.
I had that name for 18 years and then when I got married again my son was older and although I had grown very attached to my name I changed it to my husband's. I never even considered keeping it because first it was my ex-husband's name and second because I think you take your husbands name when you get married. That is just me, and a personal preference. Just like wanting to match your Childs name to make life easier so does matching your husbands last name. Every time you go to do anything and your names don't match it is difficult.
I can say after my second marriage, I had some identity issues and felt like I wasn't me for a while and then became more attached to my first name and became just my first name. I figured it works for Cher and Madonna why not me LOL .... Years later I am now used to it and not sorry in any way. I considered a hyphen but decided I would not like it if my husband had anything to do with his ex-wives last name so I just let it all go. I am a firm believer in turning the tables and seeing how you would feel and it you wouldn't like it then don't do it yourself!!!
My dad died when I was a kid and my mom remarried. She took his name and didn't match our last name... She used to sign our excuses Mrs. XXXXX (Mother) it worked and she didn't have to answer any questions.
My husband's ex did not change her name at first. Although she is a psycho and causes all kinds of problems for us I did always see this as her right to match her childrens name or why ever she kept it if she wanted. Now she remarried and we thought she changed it but instead hyphenated it with the new husbands name but uses our last name only still. It makes my husband angry because she is such a trouble maker but of all the things she does that is one of things that bothers me the least. I would rather she became more attached to her new husband instead of trying to get mine back but that is for another thread ... LOL ...