sounds like my SS10

He is angry and frustrated. He is not being heard. Your DH needs to talk to him and do a time in not a time out. Counselling for him would also be appropriate. He cannot express himself like an adult since he's so young. Do not react to his tantrums or try to control him at those times. Let him work it out and then try to talk. JMHO.

"duct tape is not an answer." lol. it would just be soooo much easier, though wouldn't it lol. J/K! I'd never use it either, but it was funny.

I work with kids that range in reasons for their behaviors. I have emotional support students, and autistic support students. The way we handle the behavior in both cases in almost exactly the same. Lots of our emotional support kids come in traumatized by life experiences, and a lack of knowledgeable parenting.

Even though I go to work every day and deal with defiance, food thrown at me, juice dumped on me, getting bit, hit, spit at, oh and the names I have been called, it was always harder to deal with my SS's outbursts.

Sometimes, I would sit back and give my husband advice on how he could handle his son's outbursts, but it isn't like school where once something is deemed appropriate, placed in an IEP it has to be done, and done consistently.

Anyway, I think that many of us as stepparents actually could make major changes on SK's behaviors. Some of us because of professional experiences, some of us through out own parenting experiences, and many times it would seem through sheer common sense.

The problem is, we aren't granted 6.5 hours a day, in a parent free setting. We are not being looked at as professionally educated people that know what we are talking about and entrusted "to do the right thing". Most parents come to school desperately seeking out advice and are more than willing to allow for us to do whatever we can to create changes.

MOST of the steps I see here are "going to work" every day trying to do what it takes a whole team of professionals to figure out for each child in my class. The difference here, is that we are not dealing with a team of professionals, we are dealing with a team of hurt, jealous, scornful, {add your own} parents trying to defend their choices to each other, and instead of figuring out a solution, they are trying to prove why the child's behaviors are the cause of the other parents "skills" in parenting-and, we also have parents that don't give 2 chits what the kid does as long as they aren't bothering them.

Here we stepparents come along with "simple" solutions, and "come on", they say, "it isn't even our (stepparents) kid, and if it was that simple, wouldn't we have already done it?" When I talk to parents in school and make suggestions, they are grateful, when I talk to the emotionally involved parents of my SS, they are resentful.

I guess it's similar to talking to other people and telling them why you would suggest they shouldn't be involved with a person with kids. They have to learn on their own, and f*ck you very much for your advice.

You are trying VERY hard to MAKE things work. Here's the problem with that, the child is being made to think that you are "mean". You are MAKING him do things that are not being asked of him by the parents, every day, on a consistent basis. Your world and his are totally different. You live in a land where there are defined boundaries. You can't cross the lines, but he is free to over take any "country" he sees fit.

"I grabbed his arm and strong armed him into his bedroom. He started to fight me--punching, shoving, scratching, so I restrained his arms and he went into a rage. Screaming at the top of his lungs. I told him "You need to quit this before it gets even more out of hand!""

-----This is what happens when you start trying to modify behaviors. Their is an INCREASE in the behaviors.

Imagine waking up one day and being told , "from now on, we have decided that you will never drink another cup of coffee a day in your life"---you add in your vice, mine's coffee lol. What will happen? You will be saying, "Get the f*ck outta here lol", Then, you will probably go into fits of rage. Eventually, you will figure out how to deal with it, but in the meantime, you probably aren't going to be a "happy camper", and you will be RESISTANT!

If you have full parental support, and you have it consistently, from both parents, GREAT! What you're trying to do just might work, but it seems like what is going to happen is that more resistance, resentment, and eventually a "big blow-up" will happen.

"UGH--I am not trying to win this little shit over..I just want a dinner..and evening of NO DRAMA!!!!AND God knows what his BM is going to try and pull when he tells her I hit him..(which I never did..) "

I know people will probably not agree with me, but I would give an ultimatum. You have to do something, because it is obviously not a healthy environment for ANYONE! Tell DH, you and the other kids WILL NOT sit through dinner with him until he can manage his behaviors. Go lock yourself and the kids in a bedroom and make a tent to eat in, or whatever you can think of. Maybe you could suggest to DH that SS is given two options, if he can sit at the table for ten minutes, calmly, and eat a certain number of mouthfuls, he can get ten extra minutes to do something before bed time-or fill in whatever he likes, but if he DOES NOT do this, he will have to sit in his room during your dinner and this 10 minutes will be ten minutes earlier for his bedtime. Your husband is going to have to be willing to actually sit in the room with him and keep him there initially, most likely.

It won't be an end all, because as I have said, there will be resistance and a rise. He will see how far your DH is willing to go. BUT< this is not where you should be involved, Once the child and your DH have consistently been consistent in behaviors that are positive, then you can be part of enforcement if you so wish.

I wouldn't involve yourself to the point you are now, though. You have stated you're worried about what BM will say when SS says you "hit him", you should never have to be in this predicament.

It is really hard to ignore behaviors when it is affecting you and the other children. I understand this, but I am worried for you what might come of your involvement. It doesn't sound like you are dealing with a rational BM. You have to "force" what you need on your DH....he is "forcing" his son's behaviors on you and your whole family with the tolerance. Your DH has to remove his son from the environment when he gets out of hand, and you should not be alone with SS, put in a predicament where you HAVE to secure the environment. I know you want to be supportive, but it isn't safe for you. Demand that when your DH isn't home, the SS has to be cared for by someone else. At least until his behaviors are more acceptable.

I know this is long, but I am panicking for you. When I read this, "ND God knows what his BM is going to try and pull when he tells her I hit him..(which I never did..) ", I felt the gut wrenching worry that I had when my own SS accused me of "hitting" him, and I never placed even a breath of air on him. I know what BM's can do, and what a sweet, innocent child can accomplish with a bat of the eyes.

Just please, protect yourself! I hope you are able to figure this out, and protect yourself and your kids!