Another reason being a SM Sucks!
Ever have the situation where a skid asks you something and if they don't like the answer, they ask DH? And whatever DH says, goes? His decision "trumps" yours everytime. And you're left thinking "Why do I fucking bother?"
Yeah, that happens to me all the time.
I'm good enough to buy her clothes, haircuts, orthodontics. I'm good enough to take time to entertain her endlessly. But my ACUTAL OPINION on a "parenting" decision is ALWAYS overruled if DH doesn't agree.
Case in point. SD11 has a basic cell phone. She's had it for almost 2 years (phone and text). She rarely uses it. She also has a, very expensive, iTouch (with WIFI).
My DH and I both have a Work Blackberry (paid by our respective jobs). I also have a personal iPhone that I've had for 3 years. My DH just bought a new iPhone 3 months ago. He doesn't like it or use it much. I am planning to buy a new iPhone in November when my current plan has expired. So, DH and I talk vaguely about transfering his iPhone to me in November, but then he says something about transferring his new phone to SD11.
I say to DH "she doesn't need it".
SD11 says, "why not?!"/
I say: "when you get a job and can pay for it, you can an iPhone."
SD11 says: "Well you have 2 phones!!"
I say to SD: "one is a WORK phone and my company pays for it". (this is typical of the way she speaks to us)
Then I say to DH: "She doesn't need an $70/month iPhone"
He says "Oh, its only $56/month".
Then SD says to DH, "Why can't you transfer the phone to me Dad?"
And now I'm getting pissed off (maybe because I pay for more than half of all our expenses) and repeat "She doesn't need a phone with a data plan!"
DH says: "I'm not a child, why are you speaking to me like that!". (All I was doing was calmly but firmly repeating that she didn't need a phone with a data plan. What I WANTED to say (and loudly) was: "your spoiled brat doesn't need a FUCKING IPHONE!!")
What I actually say is: "Whatever, I'm done. Do whatever the hell you want". And walk away.
This is so typical. You are "family" when its time to look after the children or pay the bills, but heaven help you if you have an opinion that varies from the DH!
(And I consider myself disengaged! I need to practice disengaging harder).
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Yep, they are "our kids" when
Yep, they are "our kids" when there's money to br spent, something to be cleaned, or work to be done.....but come decision time they are HIS kids. It's total bullshit
Yes. Total bullshit.
Yes. Total bullshit.
"Please, pay the mortgage!, pay for the renovations, work your fucking ass off for 11 hours a day, oh and please be the only one to save for our retirement...Oh, and don't have your own children because I don't want anymore because it will hurt my precious daughter, but while you're working hard, paying the bills and saving for our future, I'll probably buy SD a car when she's 16, and probably a downpayment on a house after I've finished paying for College".
Go Fuck yourself DH!!
Whew...that felt good.
I'm good enough to buy her
I'm good enough to buy her clothes, haircuts, orthodontics. I'm good enough to take time to entertain her endlessly.
++++++++++++++++++++++++
You are not disengaged. And why do you pay for more than half of things?
what is odd to me is that
what is odd to me is that while fdh is certainly guilty of a lot of stupid stuff when it comes to sd and me, it's mostly sd20 who does the kind of crap most sm's dh's do. SHE is the one who wants me to be her "mother" on her terms only. she is the one with unrealistic expectations. i'm supposed to adore her, love her like my own, claim her, be there for her (whatever the hell that means), spend money on her, cater to her, etc. but i am not to EVER disagree with her on anything, tell her she's wrong, or be annoyed or angry at her. if she chooses to be nasty and disrespectful, i am to chalk it up to her having a bad day, or being "young and dumb".
sorry bitch. you are NOT my kid, never will be, nor do i want you to be. i don't have to do a damn thing for you and i don't have to tolerate nasty treatment from you and after almost 4 years of that, you should know it.
oh, and she likes to try to guilt me for not doing what she has deemed to be my responsibility to her by telling me that i am "hurting" her dad and it's "not healthy for her OR her dad" for me to not do what she tells me to. :O
yeah, this bitch has no end to her gall.
No, I'm not completely
No, I'm not completely disengaged am I.
I pay half of our expenses (more than half sometimes) because I "feel badly" that DH doesn't make as much as I do. You know what? No more.
I'm no longer going to "feel badly". If he wants to buy her things, let him. I'm not doing that anymore, nor am I paying more then "half".
My extra, hard earned money will be MY MONEY!!
If he wants to buy her
If he wants to buy her things, let him. I'm not doing that anymore, nor am I paying more then "half".
My extra, hard earned money will be MY MONEY!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++
You go girl.
Firstly I guess I've have to
Firstly I guess I've have to ask why SD11 was even involved in this conversation? I had to learn the hard way, that's what would get me in trouble... so from then on out kids got sent OUT of the room and DH and I had an ADULT discussion. No way in hell would I be outnumbered by my DH and his kids. And no way in hell do they need to be part of a discussion that involved MY money.
B22S22, the reason SD11 was
B22S22, the reason SD11 was involved in the conversation is because my DH has a clasic case of Divorced Dad Syndrome and he has given her "Adult Status".
Ack! I guess I prolly
Ack! I guess I prolly shoulda known the answer to that, as like I said, I had to learn the hard way to make sure any discussions that even remotely pertained to SK's took place outside of their earshot. I hated the "ganging up" that occurred (me being the lone one standing on MY side).
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I don't have any sage words to offer (except refuse to engage in any discussion as long as she's around).
OMG my SD14 had that same
OMG my SD14 had that same type of status. She had to be a part of EVERY conversation DH and I had. Finally, I looked at him and said "If I wanted her to be a part of this, I would've invited her into the conversation. This has NOTHING to do with her, she's not an adult and if you want to continue treating her as such, have at it then and I'll leave". After that, whenever she'd butt into our conversations, he'd look at her and say "A-B conversation, C yourself out". LMAO After a few times, she stopped interjecting
Try to start disengaging
Try to start disengaging financially. Only pay your portion. NOTHING of SD. If she asks you for anything d irect her to daddy dearest who obviously has all kind of extra money to spoil her with
Here's the thing. As a SM
Here's the thing. As a SM there is a hypocrasy in expectations. At least in my case.
An example: I'm acting as part of the "family" if I care for SD11 when he is away.
But I'm not "family" when it comes to actual parenting decisions.
To me, its either one way or another.
The way I see it is: If i'm looking after SD11 when he's not around, I'm doing him a favour. (DH will never see it this way though). He wants me to be part of a "family" when it suits him, but he wants to have carte blanche when it comes to parenting decisions.
Its a double standard.
And no Sue..i don't "take it out on SD11". If you only knew how many times I bite my tounge and walk away when he indulges her (and not just with "things"). This time, with iPhone issue...I made the mistake of offering an opinion, "she doesn't need a phone with a data plan"...I got burned and a fight between us ensued.
This has happened to me COUNTLESS times before. And yes, I've been getting better and walking away and not getting involved.
And, for the most part, I am disengaged financially. We only hold our house title/mortgage jointly, all bank accounts and investments are completely separate.
But, as I said, I am going to not pay "extra" anymore. Clearly, if he can afford a $60/month phone plan for SD, then he can pay HALF our expenses.
I recently cut back my share
I recently cut back my share of the expenses as well, once I determined my money was essentially enabling DH to pay more in child support and in additional expenses for SD5. If she was old enough for an iphone, we would be having the same argument you are having. We are in the process of a modification that was to take place once SD didn't need full time daycare. Well, DH has made more than one comment about negotiating, etc in order for it not to go to court. I realized that because I pay for a lot around here, he is able to be less concerned about how much he gives our BM that now only works part time. It drives me nuts that I pay expenses here and work full time, and she gets paid by him and works part time. Well, if he can pay for extra's then he can take on more expenses. I'm done enabling BM to work part time. Good luck to you. I wouldn't go for an iphone for an 11 year old either.
Our situtation EXACTLY. BM
Our situtation EXACTLY. BM receives CS and works part time. I work 8.5 hour days (with a 2 hour commute)and those are the days I don't work late (not to mention the after hours spent on the Blackberry).
Honestly, this iPhone conversation was the straw.
Today i'm feeling like "what the hell am I getting out of this marriage"? He doesn't support me financially, he rarely makes any time for me? SD is his priority, not our marriage...ALL WE EVER TALK ABOUT is our mutual dislike for his ex-wife (that's for another blog entry...how ALL we ever talk about is BM).
I'm just feeling "uuuuggghhh" today.
This is me, too... I give
This is me, too...
I give credit to all the working SM's out there with slacker BM's. It's so unnatural to have a husband supporting another women, while we support ourselves and the household. The CS guidelines are so irrational and infuriate me. And the fact that these women don't have to work and are not accountable for how they spend OUR household income is just insane. I honestly would never do this again, if I knew then what I know now. My DH just bought SD a new bike. The other one was just fine AND she never even rode it. It was the last straw for me. We pay for her over at BM's house, and we pay for her here. BM gets rent and food money, while I pay for all the food here and a big chunk of other things. My husband doesn't give me any spending money, yet BM get 500 a week! WTF. DH and I had a blowout last week and I said I'm done with paying for part of the mortgage on a house he bought with BM, that I would love to sell but we can't due to it being under water. He was paying for it all before he met me, as BM was a stay at home Mom. Well you know what, he can pay for it all now. Sorry for the vent. I have no other friends in this situation and I can't even get over how screwed up it is. BM wants us to now pay for all extra curricular activities - for a 5 year old! And I pay for health insurance each month, out of my checking acct for their child. My company reimburses me, but still. It's usually months later. Oh and even better - BM works part time, but has SD in after school care two days a week, while BM is not even working!
^^this is me^^
^^this is me^^
Ha! My dh and I just got
Ha! My dh and I just got into it yesterday over cell phones, although ironically it was HIM wanting to buy my dd14 a phone with a data plan. We've got 3 kids in our household-they all have cells-as do dh and I. To pay for 5 phones,all with data plans, is IMO way too expensive. My other two dont have data plans. I'm not going to treat my own dd special by making sure she has one. So I was the bad buy and made her get the cheapie phone with a 10.00 payment a month.
My kids do have access to the internet with their ipods, kindles, laptop, etc-to pay for a cell with data is overkill for kids IMO.
As far as the decision making issue, I remember those days as well. Not an issue any longer as ss14 doesnt even live here, but when he did I found myself experiencing the same. It's ok that my money assisted in taking care of him, or if I did his laundry, or picked up after him, or gave him rides someplace, but the final say was dh's. (I will say this is something he got much better with over the years to the point in which he lived with us this past year it was NOT an issue). This was really bad when he was around 9,10 or so though. Dh would make decisions regarding extra visitation with bm, extra cash to bm for things, buying ss extra clothes or supplies above the cs, holiday schedules, punishments or consequences-I was just essentially left out of the loop most of the time. I will say he tried to ask me my opinion and if it coincided with his everything was lovely. However, if it did not then that is where we ran into trouble. I just disengaged over the years to the point in which I didnt concern myself unless it directly affected me. His grades? Who cares? If he lives a big ass mess in the kitchen? Then yes I'd get invovled in that one.
I'm so glad you posted this!
I'm so glad you posted this! This is exactly how I feel and apparently many others. My DH wants me to cook their meals, do their laundry, buy their clothes, etc but when it comes to discipline it's always his way. He claims that my ways are to harsh. Well if that's the case I'm stepping back and when your way doesn't work I'll be waiting to tell you I told you so. It's hard to be disengaged when DH refuses to do things such as buy bras or talk about periods with his BD. That's what you have to do! BM won't do it and I'm not her mom. This girl is set up for failure and it's not just BM's fault.
Ironically, just 1 week ago,
Ironically, just 1 week ago, I bought SD11 her first two "real" bras (not just the sporty, stretchy kind).
Spent about $80 in that store that day. And just the other day, SD11 and her friend were going to the mall, she didn't want to use her bank card, so I gave her $15 to buy lunch.
See, I've been feeling "parental" lately. See, its alllll good until I say something like "she doesn't need a phone with a data plan".
(i just re-read all my "blog" entries....I've been on this site for something like 5 years now).
Yes, things are much, much better than they were, but man...still having some of the same issues.
The key is to
1. stay disengaged.
2. Take care of yourself first (DH won't, he's too busy taking care of SD)
3. low expectations
4. remember that EVERY time you do or buy something for SD, think of it as a "gift" not as a parental obligation...because she is NOT your child (even though she may prefer you over her own mother).
5. DH will always trump you, so anytime she asks you for something, say "go ask your dad" (for two reasons, if you say something she doesn't like, she'll ask her dad for a second opinion (and his decision will ALWAYS trump yours), and secondly, if he agrees, it would have been his answer anyway)..save yourself the grief when it turns out he doesn't agree.
An 11 year old girl (or boy)
An 11 year old girl (or boy) having unlimited and unsupervised access to the internet is completely inappropriate and horribly dangerous. Ironically, while he's trying make sure she has the "best" of everything, he actually causing her tremendous harm.
My H is the same freaking way.
It's all about our H's egos and not about their kids at all. If it were ever about the kids, they would make different decisions.