I have no idea what being a stepmother means. But perhaps I can be the "cool aunt."
What does "stepmother" mean anyway? A step down? A step up? Someone who steps in? Someone to step on? I have no idea.
Frankly, I don't know why the word "mother" is in there at all. My husband's daughter has a mother. I will never be that for her nor do I want to be. And trying to be some kind of "step" version of that maternal role? Why? For what purpose? To confuse a child who's already dealing with the complexity of navigating two homes? To step on the toes of the woman who gave birth and deserves to be called "mother"? To create tension in my own own home, tension my husband would have to manage? No thank you. My husband married me because he wanted me as his wife not as a mother figure to his child. What a sad misuse of my time and energy that would be. A duplication of effort with no real payoff for anyone. Perhaps I'll be what my husband laughingly suggested I could be to his daughter: the "cool aunt."
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Oh god no. Please don't say
Oh god no. Please don't say that. I have no idea what I'm doing. The only thing I'm clear on is what I will not do. I'm sure you're doing just fine.
Good god, woman. No wonder I
Good god, woman. No wonder I can be so nonchalant. My situation is heavenly compared to yours. It sounds absolutely dreadful. I'm quite sure I wouldn't be able to stay no matter how much I loved my husband. So bravo for not being dragged into bitterness. The fact that anyone would want you to be Mary Fucking Poppins in that situation is insane. I'd be running for the hills. My husband likes to joke that I could by his daughter's "cool aunt," and I laugh with him because that sits better with me than "stepmother" or worse, "stepmom." I do so hate that term. I'm just me. I don't want to try to be anything in this new life. I've been at it for only six months so who knows what will happen but so far I really can't complain. Not when I read stories like yours.
Good for you. I have no
Good for you. I have no children of my own and so I can't imagine what that would be like, being a mother to your children and "chilled" with your stepson. If it works for you, fabulous. I am curious what you think about the word "stepmom." I have such an aversion to it. I don't know what it means and the term itself seems to destine us all for failure for the reasons I shared below. Stepped over. Stepped on. And why is "mother" or worse, "mom" in there at all? That's not who we are in this situation. Judging from what I've read on this site, to think otherwise is simply a short train to misery and bitterness and resentment.
I am like dzy. I have 2 bios
I am like dzy. I have 2 bios of my own (not DHs) and he has two. I am mom and dad to my kids - I ask nothing of DH and if he chooses to participate then bonus to me and my kids.
Unfortately, DH wants a replacement mother - double unfortantly we have the skids 50% of the time, triple unfortunately BM is less than 10 mins away and a constant control freak\thron. She bad mouths me, refuses to admit I exist, stabs me any chance she gets then turns around and dumps her kids on me. So I am the worst person in the world but good enough for free babysitting.
I tried at first to be SM of the year. That was a mistake - a huge mistake. It turned out more like yes I want you to be MOTY but you can't say anything negative, can't treat them like you treat your own, don't get any real say, absolutely no authority and oh by the way - you hate my kids because you are now treating them differently. Sooooooo, I threw in the towel a few years back.
I was still chef, taxi, wallet, tutor, babysitter and whipping post. I have been digging myself out of all of that slooooooooowly.
My DH still wants us to be the blended family of the year - but I am done, I want nothing to do with blending, Hence my name, 3 families in 1. That is what I am. Me and my kids, DH and his kids and DH and I. There is NO blending taking place and I am far from trying that EVER again.
Unfortunately, I am in the uncool auntie who doesn't like kids phase and DH is still trying to push me into MOTY role. Here we are - DH getting all hurt over the fact I don't consider his kids mine and him trying to pretend my kids are his (NOT).
You sound like you are on a good track - 99.9% of the situation is in DHs court and how he sets the expectations for the household.
I am like your DH - my expectations match for my DH what yours is expecting from you.
My DH's expectations of me are unrealistic.
Dtzy, as always, you are my
Dtzy, as always, you are my girl crush. When my world lacks a logical up or down, you put it in simple black and white print. I wish you lived near so I could buy you a drink. Your attitude and outlook are infectious and really lighten my day. Thank you.
That said, I wish I could be like the op. however I have a (broken little girl" with a "hole in her heart" where her mother was supposed to be (quotes are the of the psychologist). Though she is psycho, and bm is actively in her life, because of their relationship, I have been tasked with filling this void like the miraculous j.b. weld of love. I didn't ask for it and sometimes greatly resent it. Most times I think it isall just another on of psycho sd's manipulations. But I love my dh more than anything in this world. He is my other half of my heart and my best friend, so for him I would try to change the tide if need.
I want to make a difference for this kid. At one point I loved her very much, just like she was my wn, but through a series of her actions that has slowly disappeared. My point s like dtzy's, it's all relative. Every scenario is different.
^^^^ THIS!!! ^^^^ My DH is
^^^^ THIS!!! ^^^^
My DH is awesome & does everything he can to have my back & doesn't take any shit off of his 2 daughters, nor does he let them dump any shit on me.
However.
There's the bat shit crazy BM to deal with at any given moment. She has PASd both daughters to the point of them believing whatever crazy crap comes out of her mouth, and if we try to give them the truth instead, they freak out defending their "awesome mom" to us.
So, I'm about as disengaged as a step-whatever can possibly be. I treat them the way they are treating me on any given day. If they are civil to me, then I'm civil to them. If they are heinous, I do NOT return fire but simply go about my own business and live my life. These two creatures are my DH's to deal with...they carry his DNA, not mine. So, good luck with them.
I try to not let them impact me or my life, and some days that works better than others.
But stepped ON, that's about sums it up.
What is a stepparent? "In Old
What is a stepparent?
"In Old English the word -steop- designated family relationships formed when a widowed parent married. The history of the word meaning is 'bereaved'."
I have been with my husband since his daughter was 5 years old. Had her mother died or abandoned her (physically or emotionally), I would have been more inclined to "step" in and be more motherly towards her but that was not the case.
The term is outdated.
I have tried to be another role model for her but I am not her replacement mother.
Sounds like we're in
Sounds like we're in agreement. And the term is most definitely outtdated. Come to think of it, Cinderella et all never had a stepmother and a mother. They had one wicked stepmother. Mothers all dead and gone. That has nothing to do with our situation, does it? So what does that make us? Their father's wives, as best I can tell. Perhaps my husband's daughter will see another way to be a woman in me. Perhaps not. That's not up to me. But I do know that she'll never get a replacement mother, as you say.
Seems to me so many women on this forum make themselves miserable trying to be a mother to their stepchildren and then act surprised when the father starts shirking his duties and the mother comes unglued. Not to be cruel, but what did they expect? They're trying to step into a role that's already occupied. Ah well, to each his own. I'd just rather avoid the misery if I can.