Why am I even here?
Dearest Steppers, last night I came home from an insanely long day at work to find that BMhad let herself into our apartment again. This is done in the name of SD. She will not let me pick the kid up or let her stay with me alone. She didn't let my FDH's mom drop the kid off by herself. She never misses an opportunity to come into our home and undermine me in front of her daughter. DH and I talked about this in therapy...our therapist said not only should BM not have keys at all, she should be dropping her off outside the home. She shouldn't be driving DH's car anymore (she still does) etc etc. DH is spineless around this woman. Now SD4 is learning from both her parents to disrespect me. Ignores me, then demands things/assistance when it suits her. Last night he got angry because I "shut down" when I got home from work (because I saw BM and figured it was better than causing a scene in front of SD and FMIL). I said I didn't like seeing BM in the apt and he called me a selfish bitch for not putting his daughters needs before my own.
I'm at the end of my rope. It doesn't matter what my needs are, he steamrolls me. I'm tired of blaming shit on retard BM and her behaviorally challenged daughter. DH is living in fear, and we have a boundary-less home with frequent infighting. He agrees to things in therapy that he actively resists outside therapy (ie setting boundaries w BM). He won't follow up on court paperwork. He wants everything without working for it or making himself uncomfortable. I'm heartbroken and afraid I gave to leave. Nothing is changing. If things were happening but slowly it would be ok but it's actually gotten worse. I feel lost. I feel unable to leave. This is so painful.
- Teakettle's blog
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I am sorry, I am sure this
I am sorry, I am sure this isn't what you want to hear... but if my Dh was ok with BM just letting herself in to our home, he would no longer be a DH. He would be an exH. There are clearly boundary issues here. BM does NOT need to be in your home AT ALL and if DH can't nut up and tell her not to, then you need to take care of it. Change the locks and don't give DH a key
Third this.... you signed up
Third this.... you signed up for a DH, not a DH and a sisterwife.
She has a key to let herself
She has a key to let herself in???
It's right for you to not like it. It indicates that you (apparently unlike your FDH or BM) are capable of recognizing & respecting BOUNDARIES.
It is not about the needs of his child. If he were about meeting the needs of his child, he'd be there when his child got there, or he'd make arrangements for her to bring her by when he was.
It IS disrespectful. I'm not one to shout "RUN!" but if he can't offer you respect & simple courtesey, I can't see where he has ANYthing to offer you.
You refer to him both as your FDH & your DH. Are you married?
You need to get mad. Stop
You need to get mad. Stop letting others treat you like a doormat and stop treating yourself that way!!
Anger can get you through a lot of things. You need to get good and really pissed about this situation.
Seriously, do you want to live the rest of your life with this woman and her brat physically in and out of your house?
When will it end? Will he ever stand up to them?
NO.
And it won't end until you get good and mad. You're strong. Be the strong you. Stop being the doormat you that gives up.
Take back your life and demand the respect that you deserve!
If that bitch came in my house, omg.. there would be hell to pay.
He called me a selfish bitch
He called me a selfish bitch for not putting his daughters needs before my own.
Well if THAT'S not the pot calling the proverbial kettle black. Really??? How about your FDH put YOUR feelings/needs before BM? Why is there a NEED for SD to have her BM inside your FDHs home? Why is there a NEED for SD to have her BM drive FDHs car?
DH used to pull this crap on me in the beginning of our relationship (not quite to your extent) but one time when he was telling me that he was going to go pick BM and SS up because BMs car broke down (along with her boyfriend, his 2 kids and BMs other kid) he tried to make it out like I should be OK with it because he was doing it for SS. I told him that he could find a way to justify wiping BMs ass.. after all wouldn't want SS to have a BM with a smelly butt.. right??? I mean come on.
If he is calling you a
If he is calling you a selfish bitch for wanting your boundaries respected, chances that he will ever respect them are slim to none. It might be time to cut your losses. If he is this bad about his SD, how will he be if you have children of your own?
This is so unacceptable and I
This is so unacceptable and I am so sorry you are dealing with it. Your DH has got to get a flipping clue if he plans to remain a DH...what a jerk. Stay strong and get mad!
FDH calling you a selfish
FDH calling you a selfish bitch- not ok.
BM in your home- not ok. She has a key?
BM drives his car? What the..... Definitely not ok. It's like they are still a couple.
It sounds like he will always be using his daughter and her needs as an excuse. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
No way would I ever be ok
No way would I ever be ok with BM being allowed to have keys to your home. That is not selfish at all and has nothign to do with your needs being first. It sounds like my situation where BF is afraid of repercussions of BM by setting a clear boundary. Every time he tries, there is hell to pay. He feels helpless because he doesn't like the tough options, yet expects me to support him. I would say your FDh may the one who is a little selfish here. Sorry.
If he ignores what the
If he ignores what the therapist says, you pretty much need to give him an ultimatum and be prepared to leave if he doesn't follow it.
Or you just need to accept he is a spineless jellyfish.
You are okay with the way he
You are okay with the way he is talking to. I would have ended it with this much disrespect...I love my husband and hate BM, but these things would have shown me exactly who I am in this relationship.
I am sorry that you have to
I am sorry that you have to put up with this behavior from BM and then have DH support her behavior. Have you read "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin? It would give you some positive support and affirmation in what you are feeling. I think every SM needs to reads this and realize she is not alone.
Your DH has very poor boundaries if he even has any :? BM does not have the right to have a key to your apartment, it is a home for you, DH and skid. BM is not a part of the equation. Our BM used and will still try and get into our home when we are not around. She can't stand me, but I will greet her at the door to see that she does not cross any boundaries. This may not be possible for you because of work or other commitments. You may have to give DH an ultimatum, change the locks and keep BM on the outside of the front door, or you will be finding a new place to live until HE decides which side of HIS bread is being buttered. Leave the choice to him and after your done reading the book , give it to him.
I feel for you, hang in there
Your DH might as well stay
Your DH might as well stay with BM bc it IS almost like they are still together. Having a key to your home is absurd. :jawdrop:
You deserve so much better than this, and your DH needs to go back to BM or STAY SINGLE.
You are in a pickle my dear.
You are in a pickle my dear. You have a very tangled mess to deal with. And the only way to deal with it is to unbundle the issues and deal with them one by one.
And everyone who has responded with their spot-on comments is right. You are going to have to "man-up" and deal first with your DH. He needs to make a choice: either he is committed to your marriage, or he is committed to his FORMER marriage. Once he makes that choice, then you know what you need to do.
And speaking of what you need to do: you need to start respecting yourself enough to know what your boundaries are, communicate them, and then act on that information.
For example: your boundary is that you do not want BM in your home. You tell DH that it is unacceptable to you for her to have keys and you want him to get them back from her. You tell him that if he does not do this, what your behavior will be.
You cannot control whether or not he will do this; nor can you control whether or not she complies. You can only control what you want, and what you will/will not do if your needs are not met.
So what would your consequence be if he refuses to get the keys back from her? Would you kick him out? Would you separate from him? Would you cut him off from sex? Would you disengage to the point that you no longer cook meals for him?
Boundaries are all about knowing that you cannot control the other person, but you CAN and WILL handle things differently for your own protection.
The bottom line is that your DH is treating you with the utmost disrespect. BM will treat you disrespectfully, and you might as well expect that. But if you don't have your own husband's respect.....sorry, but what exactly DO you have???
Wow. I didn't expect to get
Wow. I didn't expect to get so many replies. Its one thing hearing my family tell me to get out but hearing it from others with similar experience just crushed me. Each time I allow this to continue my self-worth goes a little farther into the dumper. To answer your questions, she let herself in when we both weren't there...this happened when he *asked her to walk our dog* two weeks ago when SD "had a fever and wanted to see her doggie." and no, we aren't married-- although he wanted to tie the knot immediately after we got engaged in May I held off, telling him we needed some therapy first. I know if I make an ultimatum he'll hide behind SD instead of making real changes in himself.
Sometimes I really think they deserve each other. I'm so sad to leave the things I love about us when it was good but at this rate I'm not seeing too much evidence that this is someone I want to legally bind myself to ans especially not someone I want to have kids with. And I'm fucking pissed at myself for being so afraid and allowing this to go on for so long,saving myself a mess and a giant heartache to deal with.