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I'm detaching.

Teakettle's picture

Submitted by Teakettle on Mon, 06/11/2012 - 9:20am

This really was not how I pictured I'd spend my 30's...

fighting with FDH about the fear/guilt-based parenting going on with BM, wondering if the decisions BM makes are going to leave me with a hollow shell of a man instead of a partner. Yes, I understand that it's about his daughter, his flesh and blood. But I don't know if he understands that I'm making a lifetime commitment to this situation and when it gets like this I just want to run. Sometimes the good times don't seem enough to outweigh the emotional insanity. Sure, there has been a lot of progress-- they're currently trying to iron out an agreement so they can go to mediation and get a CO in place, but...I don't know. I have my good days, my good weeks, and then I hear her pulling the same bullshit, making it about her instead of focusing on the child (who is the real victim of all of this), and then he tells me that things can't change right now because he's afraid of BM's reactions, and I just explode.

Yes, I need to detach. Yes, we need to go to therapy. I'm really tired of letting BM affect me emotionally, and even more than that I'm sick of not being able to see our relationship in perspective or enjoy my FDH. I'm sick of being engaged and still wondering whether this is something I can or want to handle, or whether he deserves a person who is a little more supportive. I'm tired of being confused. I just yelled at our sweet little dog because I was angry at the situation and I don't like being that person. I have diarrhea, headaches, no energy-- I'm sick of giving this so much power over me. I'm detaching.

Comments

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Mon, 06/11/2012 - 9:39am

been there. but i didn't have the knowledge before getting married. seems like things with bm/skids/mil got worse when we married and ultimately bm isn't an issue at all, it's mainly mil and skids.

if i knew then what i know now, i wouldn't be married to dh.

hug and kiss the dog. take issue with dh, he's the one who can make this situation better... but it sounds like bm has his balls in her purse, so don't hold your breath!

good luck.

alwayscivil's picture

Submitted by alwayscivil on Mon, 06/11/2012 - 9:59am

Can you be specific about an example of something that BM does that you so passionately disagree with?

Teakettle's picture

Submitted by Teakettle on Mon, 06/11/2012 - 12:41pm

Thanks for all your replies. I'm afraid I helped to create this situation by going along with it for 3.5 years. Now I wonder why I would choose a guy who would behave this way?? And I have my serious doubts that going to therapy or a CO is going to change anything. The way he's behaving now is not the example I want set for our possible future children.

Basically, it's total triangulation. Examples: she bitches about me on the phone to him for 45 minutes during our dinner, and he doesn't simply hang up on her. She works a shift that she complains makes her tired and doesn't allow her to "have a life" (isn't your kid your life? are you that selfish about the choice YOU MADE?) so he makes it easier for her by watching the kid at BM's house after she leaves for work (they feel it's less disruptive to the child wtf). Today's example: I'm not allowed to pick up SD at daycare (even though I'm on the paperwork) because it upsets BM. So my MIL is driving in from out of town, 45 min away, to pick up SD...AND BRING HER OVER HERE TO OUR HOUSE!!!! She called me a little while ago and left a message about "what do I want to eat for dinner?" Like I'm going to sit around here waiting for her and SD so SD can play with the dog after I was told I was not allowed to pick up SD from school?????? I don't think so!! I've already decided to go hang out with friends and take the dog with me!! How can I come to love SD if I'm not even allowed to have a relationship with her?

He sees BM and SD as a package deal. They are not. SD is not the problem part of the package, BM is. If we can go to therapy and he can learn to not be so afraid of BM and guilt-parent SD all the time, then great. If not, I'm moving on. I can't take it anymore. I've come too far in my life and worked far too hard to keep choosing to deal with other peoples' insanity. Thanks for the advice about the prenup and the CS, notthemomma! I certainly didn't anticipate having to worry about these things in the midst of what is supposed to be a happy time after recently getting engaged. And again I ask myself-- what am I doing here???? :?