The details on BF's illigetiment child & why I'm no longer angry...
So IC (short form for illegitement child) was conceived when BF was 17 years old in what was essentially a "hook up buddy" situation. He wasn't dating this girl they were just kind of doing it here and there to see if they wanted to date (I have no idea - BF's stupidity / this girl's slutty attitude?) and they were dumb and didn't use protection so she of course got knocked up. For whatever reason BM1 (as she was the first, so everyone else is knocked down a number... Jeez lol) decided to keep the baby so BF tried to do what he could to be a father to IC. Well BM1 was also young at the time so IC spent a lot of time with her parents (who of course hated BF for knocking her up). BM1 was a big boozer when she was in her teens (like most of us were lol) but BF wasn't really into that he was more of your typical hippie so he found it hard to keep up with her so them forming a relationship was difficult. And with BM1's parents disliking BF it was hard for him to see his son often so when IC was 2yrs old BM1 told BF she didn't want him around IC, she didnt want BF to confuse the kid because he was only around sometimes and since they couldn't make a relationship work she didn't want anything to do with him, thus effectively "kicking him out" of the dad role and leaving IC to be raised by BM1's parents for most of his childhood. They took BF to court for CS and he was supposed to pay $400/month but as he was young and didn't have a good job he couldn't afford it, and then of course in all his wisdom he just decided 'not' to pay it. I guess at its max he owed $50,000 in unpaid CS/court fees/government fees.
So when IC was 16 (2 years ago) thanks to the magic of Facebook they got in contact and met up. They talked and got to know each other a little and apparently IC "understood" the situation and doesnt hate BF over t. BF tried to give IC and BM1 $5000 cash when they met up but they wouldn't accept it and told him they don't want any money - since it was BM1's fault and decision to not have BF in IC's life and since she is an adult now she realizes its not fair to take any money from him. So I guess all he owes now is $10,000 to the government and his liscence is suspended until he pays it (I knew it was suspended but I thought it was just because of him driving stupidly).
BF showed me pictures of IC when they met up and from when he was a baby. Cute kid, looks a lot like BF. He showed me a picture from when IC was 2 and he looks IDENTICAL to SS2, its crazy! Anyway, I guess BF didn't tell me right away because he was worried I wouldn't understand or would think less/differently of him. I guess it's not something he likes talking about because it's not the way he would have liked things to be and isn't proud of the situation because he could have acted a lot differently and fought for him in court, etc but he was young and stupid, didn't have the money, support or knowledge to do these things. I felt bad when we were talking about it, he was all teary eyed and upset. 
I guess IC's existence and his lack of parental role is what pushed him to move to our city with BM2 (formerly BM1) when she tried to run off with their son when he was a little baby and their relationship wasn't working out, and motivates him to be in his kids' lives now as essentially the primary parent and be the "best dad he can be" to them to make up for his actions with IC.
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PS - wait till BM2, formerly
PS - wait till BM2, formerly BM1 hears that she has now moved DOWN a notch...lol since they all pride themselves in being #! lol
Really? So he just walked
Really?
So he just walked away from his kid because that was what BM and the grandparents wanted?? What about BF's parents? How did they feel about never seeing their grandchild? Did they know about the child?
How did a teenager get hit with $400 a month CS? I know grown men that aren't paying that much.
His sob story sounds very fishy.
BF had a rough childhood and
BF had a rough childhood and moved out of his Mom's house when he was 15. He never knew his father. I doubt they even know the child existed, they don't know about any of the others. The way he explained it was they didnt want him around the child and there wasnt anything he could do about it, which means i dont think he could afford a lawyer or even knew how to go about getting one. I don't know how he got hit with that, he was only working part time at a grocery store at the time.
I understand him being young
I understand him being young & irresponsible, but wasn't she young & irresponsible too? You seem to paint her out to be the vengeful hateful "slutty" BM & him to be the victim.
Her getting knocked up is chalked up to his "stupidity" & her "slutty attitude". Honestly, how does he escape the "slutty attitude" judgement? He did choose to stick it in just as she chose to let him.
IMO, it sounds like a lot of excuses to brush his lack of responsibility under the rug while she's made out to be some kind of vengeful bitch.
Young & irresponsible doesn't excuse any of it...on either part. A rough childhood doesn't excuse any of it. She raised their child with nothing from him, because he chose to walk away & he chose not to pay.
On top of that less-than-desireable history, as a grown man he failed to share the truth behind his suspended license & the fact that he owes $10k in fines until he was certain he'd landed you?
I'm thinking he's still lacking in accountability.
I'd be livid.
"Her getting knocked up is
"Her getting knocked up is chalked up to his "stupidity" & her "slutty attitude". Honestly, how does he escape the "slutty attitude" judgement? He did choose to stick it in just as she chose to let him."
Yes, thank you. I hate when it's ok for men to be stupid, but women are sluts. I know we bitch a lot about BM"s on here and such, but honestly it takes two to tango and if they're just hooking up - they're both sluts.
And I second everything you just said up there. I'd probably leave a man like that. But I've been known to leave people for less than that.
I wasn't familiar with your
I wasn't familiar with your past blogs when I posted, but I did go back & read. I was under the impression that eventually your BF came to you with his confessions, but after reading it sounds like he didn't even do that! You found out about all of this only because his son told on him.
Seriously...think about this!
He can't even come clean about his past. What makes you think he'll be honest in your future???
You SHOULD be angry! You deserve a man who will respect you enough to behave like a man.
Oh I have some sympathy for
Oh I have some sympathy for him but it still is probably not the complete story. I am sure more will come out now and I am glad you know now and encourage him to work on their relationship.
My DH did something similar kind of, he neglected to mention until I found a letter about a year after we got married, that he owed a ton of back taxes. He didn't tell me because he felt stupid, it was a big error in judgement on his part, and also he knew it would not be liable because it was before we got married.
I forgave him and he alone worked it out. I hope yours works out the way you want it, too.
True, I am sure that
True, I am sure that difference makes him feel even worse, we hope anyway!
Oh no no, I meant the whole
Oh no no, I meant the whole "fuck buddy" situation was stupid and slutty. Not her getting knocked up. And I know he's a slut, most uncommitted men are at that age lol. I don't think it's okay that he abandoned his child and neither does he, he's ashamed of himself and that's why he doesn't talk about it often. Apparently they keep on touch via Facebook and he explained that their relationship now is more "like friends" than a father-son thing. Nothing about the entire situation is acceptable but it is what it is... He's 36 now I can't really hold against him a situation he was in and a decision he made 18 years ago, before I even knew him. I'm not trying to excuse his behavior it's just, I don't know, I understand that it was a mistake and a regret on his part and if he could have it any other way I'm sure he would. It's unfortunate but we can't undo what's been done. Atleast he recognizes he fucked up, learned from it, and is trying to do "right" what he can now.
The $10,000 thing is ridiculous, yep. I mean, I knew he had to pay that much to get his liscence back, I just always assumed it was from a driving infraction or something. News to me. I wonder now of I had of asked for details then if he would have told me. Although he's dead convinced that he told me this before when we were drinking one night? Lol... Even if I was intoxicated I'm sure I would have remembered ... Who knows. At first he was super defensive and tried to turn the argument around on me (granted, I did start the conversation with "So, do you have any other secret children I should know about?") but in the end he just kind of broke down and was sad about it. I don't know, we had a good talk about everything last night and while I'm not angry at him, I am slightly upset still I just stopped being snarky with him and I won't press him further as it obviously upsets him.
Fortunately they are not
Fortunately they are not married.
As long as you are with him,
As long as you are with him, sleep with one eye open.
Keep money he doesn't know about. If you marry him, file your taxes married separately and never let him see your return so he won't know about your hidden money.
You might need to have regular STD checks.
This man is a skilled, accomplished liar. You have to think like someone who's been badly burned in divorce and protect yourself accordingly.
"He's 36 now I can't really
"He's 36 now I can't really hold against him a situation he was in and a decision he made 18 years ago, before I even knew him."
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He made a child 18 years ago. However, at 36 years old he made a deliberate choice to hide it from you. That's a choice he made for as long as he's been with you, & a choice that reflects seriously poor character.
IMO, that's bigger than having to help raise someone else's child. I can handle that 100 times better than I can handle being lied to & deceived by a man who claims to love & respect me.
Just my thoughts...
Do you ladies really think I
Do you ladies really think I should be that concerned? I mean we have only been dating 9 or 10 ish months, I don't expect to know every little detail about him ... But I would have expected to know about this child, yes, but I think maybe it's not something one would announce on a first date... "I had a son hen I was younger and had nothing to do with him" not really a good way to catch a lady.
Yeah, we definitely rushed
Yeah, we definitely rushed things in our relationship. I moved in with him after us dating for 4 months, crazy! It is a serious relationship and in no way do I think he was justified in lying to me. He has had women leave him for far less and definitely has a poor track record with women so he has some serious trust issues. I know it was out of a 'fear of losing me' thing that he would have withhold it (though as I said he's convinced he told me before) but that doesn't make it okay. As I said I am upset about it but, I do love this guy and while he did neglect to mention it to me, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me... It really doesn't change a lot for me.
I can't help but notice how
I can't help but notice how dismissive you are with his choices. He didn't "neglect to mention it". He intentionally hid it from you! He purposely deceived you!
To pass it off on "trust issues" because other women have left him...do you wonder what reasons they may have had to leave him? Do you wonder if maybe he isn't telling you the whole story behind those relationships?
You say he has trust issues because of other women, yet HE is the one who has proven to be untrustworthy. Doesn't it make you wonder if maybe he lied to them about stuff too???
Can I ask your age?
I do wonder but I choose to
I do wonder but I choose to focus on the good parts of people and give the benefit of the doubt. I'm 21.
Were the other women. closer
Were the other women. closer to his age?
I believe men who are not on the up and up, seek out younger women because they know women their age won't put up the BS
they dish out.
Is this the same guy that still has feelings for the BM that is on drugs?
You're young & eager. He's
You're young & eager. He's without a license, with 4 kids, & a drug habit to support. I know this is harsh, but he's not looking for a partner to live life with. He's in need of a taxi, a babysitter, & a young warm body in his bed.
It doesn't sound like you're open to advice. You seem to have your mind set.
I hope you'll consider what you give to this relationship & recognize that focusing only on the good in people simply masks the bad. The bad doesn't go away. It grinds & it wears until it's too big to mask anymore.
The good comes with the bad & you need to decide whether or not you can live with the bad. I can live with the fact that my husband smokes cigarettes. I don't like it, but I can live with it.
I could NOT live with the fact that my husband is a disrespecful liar who intentionally keeps his child a secret from me & who refuses to own his faults & blames others & makes excuses for lying to me.
I won't say anymore about it here. Best of luck.
Maybe not on a first date,
Maybe not on a first date, but certainly you've been on a fair share of dates in 10 months. IMO it's something you do have a right to be aware of BEFORE you're emotionally invested & committed to a relationship.
I think that someone being honest about his past, as colorful as it may be, shows a whole lot more character than someone who can't bring himself to acknowledge his child in your presence because he's scared of what you'll think.
It's not fair to his child to keep him hidden, & it's not fair to you, to wait until you're comfortable & invested in a relationship & then drop that kind of bomb.
Yes you should be concerned.
Yes you should be concerned. If a man lies about little stuff, he will lie about big stuff.
Being behind in CS can burden you. Plan to have joint bank accounts? CS can take the money. Want to travel out of the country with the man you love? He can't get a passport.
I know it's a lot but I'm a
I know it's a lot but I'm a strong person and I can handle it. They need me and there's no way I could, in good conscience, run off on them at a time like this. I love my boyfriend and I love his kids. We're a family and you can't give up on that.. Everything happens for a reason. Yes, I am only 21 but I have experienced a lot in my life. It's not the ideal situation but this is the card I've been handed so I must play it as tactfully as I am able.
Oh, and yeah I did go to college for 3 years. I'm starting work in my field full time come August and will no longer be his children's primary caretaker.
"They need me and there's no
"They need me and there's no way I could, in good conscience, run off on them at a time like this."
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He can make it without you.
You'll be here 2 years from now saying "I had no idea what I was getting into." You have people who have been there telling you what lies ahead, yet you refuse to listen...like you believe you have the magic touch to make him change.
Sweetie, no one has that touch. As long as you're willing to excuse his lies & crappy choices he'll keep throwing them at you.
OMG, your parents must be
OMG, your parents must be livid. I have a son and several cousins your age. I would go crazy if any of them were in your shoes.
This guy is a creep. He's using you. Chances are he couldn't PAY a woman his age to do half the things you're doing. This guy and his kids will get by just fine without you. He needs you to think that they will fall apart without you. That's his hook to keep you in his twisted world. If you walk away, he'll find a new victim in no time.
Where was his good conscience
Where was his good conscience during the lies about how many children he has?
At a time like this..."this" is the same as it was last week, a month ago, a year ago. "This" will be the same a year from now. It will always be the same, just different configurations of kids.
He managed (somewhat) without
He managed (somewhat) without me... And he's not my first love... My last boyfriend I was with for 5 years and he was 7yrs older than me.. This isn't a 'new' situation for me. I love him, he provides for me, takes care of me... Yeah, he does get a better deal out of it than me but... I get a lot out of it too. He's changed my life in so many ways and I wouldn't be who I am without him.
I almost threw up in my mouth
I almost threw up in my mouth reading this. You don't owe these people anything. You wouldn't be "running off" on them! Neither is this the "card you've been handed." WTF! You are CHOOSING this relationship! You don't have any other choices? Baloney.
I think you regard yourself as a hero. You're getting strokes from saving the day for this loser and his spawn. Please, get out before you get pregnant with number 5.