Hi all, I hate to throw a pity party but I really want to!! My dad has been sick for a while now and is in the hospital for several weeks now 4 hours away. We found out he has 'medium aggressive' prostate cancer but is too weak overall to withstand surgery. All signs point to him not getting out of this and I don't know what to pray for as he is miserable.

My issue is, I feel so alone, helpless and unsupported. Part is my fault as I am not talking about it at work as I don't want any excuse to say I an underperforming, although they do know he is seriously ill. My one sister is with him thank god but she is kind of abrasive and flaky, and my dad says she is often not there when we all think she is. All of my family is the kind that jokes about shit that is not funny and will yammer about anything except what is actually going on.

I don't have a lot of close friends but the ones I have are aware but I just really can't talk about it without bawling and being a downer, which is not reaally welcome in the group. I should clarify the purpose of our group is slightly competitive with jockeying for position and I feel like they are watching to see if this will take me out.

Even my DH is being a total ass imo. Hr keeps forgetting and denying what is happening and seems to be pouting because we have to sell some stuff of my dads to pay for all this, that we all hoped we would get. I am going there the past few weekends to give my sis a break and he is complaining about taking care of the dog.! All day at work I fake it, because there are no jobs any more, then finally I can get in my car and cry. Yesterday he called during my cry and was like, what is wrong? I am like, what do you think, and explain about having to wait to cry, and says oh ok well I won't interrupt you, so will let you go.??
Which of course he got an earful there, and most if our conversations become arguments lately, which does happen any way hut he says I am blaming him for everything ... because I insisted he say thank you after I gave him a bunch of money?? Of yeah, that is awful of me. He is in sales and thinks he can't hear anything sad or it will throw him off his game, what????

Only my dad is being real but he is so sick I am afraid each day I will get the call. I am the only one who is real for him too but I can't go there and stay because I have to work because of our stupid debt or lose everything. I won't leave this oo long due to privacy but, Please pray for us and any wonderful advice or insight is appreciated.