I hate it that I cant stand this kid...
yes, I know detachment, detachment, detachment.
And there are some ways I've detached such as-I dont care if he fails in school, I dont care if he gets in trouble at school, I'm sure he's destined to be a loser and I dont care. However, I find it difficult to detach in other ways since ss is a fulltime, 24/7 resident here. I run the household so it's really difficult to detach from those sorts of issues.
I just need to vent here. This kid will not follow even the most simple, basic rule. I recently let the kids off the hook for any sort of daily chore-they have one weekly chore and then on a daily basis they are to pick up after themselves,such as rinse their dirty dishes, throw away their trash, etc. Every single day he leaves his dishes out. All 3 of the other children can do this. Just not him. Even made him do all the supper dishes one night to atone for not putting his dishes up. So what does he do? He leaves 3 or 4 of them unwhashed in the sink. Just to say "eff you". Even when dh directly told him last night to put his dish in the dishwasher, while he actually had it in his hand, the kid balanced it on the edge of the sink. WTF? He is not supposed to go in the basement. Every day the kid is down there 10-15 times. I ask him to go back upstairs. He doesnt go. I asked him 3 times last night before I physically had to get out of bed and run him off. I can ask him not to let the dogs out-he will let them out repeatedly all day long. I can ask him not to eat a particular item, he will make sure he eats it by the end of the day. There is absolutely 0 respect and I really am not sure what to do about it. If he yells at me, or openly defies me when dh is around-dh is on it and will jump his ass, send him to his room, give him whatever consequence I like-however the disrespect is so pervasive in essentially every single action that I dont even feel like getting dh and constantly rehashing every single incident of disrespect.
I told dh the other week that he is going to have to keep ss by his side more frequently. If he's out working in the yard, ss needs to go with him just to stay out of everyones hair. So he's tried, but he cant keep him occupied 24/7. He has no cell phone, no internet access, we took the tv and game system out of his room, although he is allowed to watch tv in the living room. We've made him miss hanging out with friends, youth group, a field trip which none of that seems to make a difference. He's had all his furniture removed from his room adn literally just a mattress on the floor. None of it seems to matter. I'm not really sure what more we can do in terms of discipline.
He's here 24/7. Noone wants to watch him for us, bm doesnt want any sort of regular visitation with him so we are on our own. We are going away this weekend for our 11th anniversary. Dh's parents are keeping him. My kids are going to my mom and dad's. So everyone will get a break from ss this weekend. However, in 3 weeks we go on vaca and I am already starting to dread the 10 hour carride, the lack of a basement to lock ss out of for a week-I think I may pinch his head off by the end of the trip and I really would just prefer to have a good time.
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Sounds like your in my world,
Sounds like your in my world, I also get the 100% disrespect. I want to say that one day they will grow out of it but Im fearing that it will only get worse if something doesnt change NOW. Im so happy I found this web page, I really thought I was going to lose my mind I also find it comforting that Im not the only one dealing with these issues. I thought I was a horrible person for how I was feeling. Have you tried sitting down and talking to him to find out why he is acting the way he is? If he leaves dishes out I would make him clean not only the dishes but the whole kitchen sweep, mop, etc... I have found that kids HATE to clean. Yard work??? IDK wish I had more answers or suggestions for you but I am dealing with the same situation. If you find anything that works please let me know also : )
I've been in ss's life for 13
I've been in ss's life for 13 years so I pretty much know it will never get better. In fact, it has only gotten worse. When I make him do "extra" chores for not completing something he was intially supposed to complete then he does not complete the "extra" chore. So it a constant round of staying on his ass 24/7 in order to ensure that he follows through and does what he is told. I dont mind monitoring and supervising a kid, nor does dh, but 24/7? Sorry we have lives and it is just impossible. Then it's like ss gets a little thrill as he feels like he's "won". "Yeah, you made me do the supper dishes, but I left the 3 dirtiest ones in the sink and you didnt catch until the next morning!" I tell you his joy in life comes from messing with other people.
get a lock for the basement
get a lock for the basement and install it.
found sd16 rummaging DH drawers last night lock will be bought tomorrow for basement, and two bedrooms
I hate that I can't stand
I hate that I can't stand SS6.
Although much younger, its the same thing you wrote. I ask him to stop splashing his sisters, he will do it 3-4 more times and will check to see if I am watching first but keep doing it. If I ask him not to eat before dinner, he will do it anyway and sneak something and then hide the wrapper.
Like you, not full time but 50% of the time the skids are here, I can't just hide out EOW and be done. I have a household to run and there are things I cannot do.
I have done the same for school, don't care he is flunking anymore, don't care about the bad notes his teacher sends home for parents to review that get ignored, don't care if he destroys his room or the play room.
I do have to step in if his action seep into the BD12\BD7\SD12. I do not allow him to hurt the girls, I lump SD12 in there - he used to treat her so terribly and I do not stand for that at all. If he wants to go break his own stuff, fine, but not other peoples stuff.
We are also going on vacation in 4 weeks - and I too am wondering how that will turn out - I want to have a good time too - and there are times where I can't even look at him without wanting to pinch his head off.
If I were you…I would go
If I were you…I would go straight to DH and tell him you want to make a house rule. That house rule, is that anyone over the age of 18 must be in college full time and work part time if they want to live in your house. If both of those requirements are not met…the kid MUST move out immediately. Then you and DH sign it and have all kids sign it. That way when SS fails or drops out or what ever….he can’t just live in your house.
Then…I would put his TV right back in his room. I realize that may seem wrong to you, but hopefully it will keep him out of your hair. My SS stayed in his room so much that days could go by with me not even seeing him.
Then…work more on dis engaging. MAKE YOU DH DO EVERYTHING FOR THIS KID. If kid leaves plates out…go tell DH to come and clean them up. If SS leaves a towel in the bathroom...go tell DH to clean it up.
Trust me…it works!
The TV comment. I grew up
The TV comment.
I grew up with the rule - 'go play outside'. I have carried that rule with my kids. Then I met DH.
I tried that rule with the skids - i feel strongly about that rule - the skids honestly have no clue how to play outside. SD12 has learned. Good for her. SS6 is a lost cause.
He is\was always 100% in MY living room glued to MY TV. First of all, even if I am not watching my TV, I don't want it on - my TV is on maybe 1 hour a day, I don't like a TV on all the time. Secondly, I couldn't even watch my TV if I wanted to as SS6 is constantly glued to it laying on my sofa or playing video games laying on my sofa 24\7. It got to the point where I wouldn't even set foot in my own living room - what am I going to do, go sit on the floor and watch him play video games?!?!
So against everything in my upbringing, I put a large TV in the playroom, moved the video game console and started to kick him upstairs as soon as I heard my TV go on. Over a month or so he just migrated to the playroom. The playroom is basically his room, none of the other 3 kids really go in there - because what are they going to do, sit on the floor and watch him play video games?? Its a pigsty and I dont care - noone uses it but him pretty much and I got my living room back.
I would like the other kids to get to make use of the playroom - I may suggest a TV for his bedroom so at least then I can close the door to the mess in the future.
I so wish DH would have had a
I so wish DH would have had a rule like that when I moved in. Sadly (naively?) I didn't think it would be an issue.
His kids were 17 & 19 at the time and I was told SD19 was going to school and would only live with us during the summer. SS17 was graduating early and going off to college. They are now SD20 and SS18, both now live with us full time, both only work part time and don't go to school. Once they move out (SD is talking about moving in with her BF), SS will hopefully hate me enough to move out soon- there will be NO moving back in! I will make SS's room into my office, and get my BD9 a regular bed, no more bunkbed so SD can't move back in so easily.
These kids need to act like adults and stand on their own 2 feet I say!
Let him eat off his dirty
Let him eat off his dirty dishes if he doesn't put them in the sink. Put them aside and put his next meal right on the dirty dish. Try to make the consequence affect ONLY him. Doing all the dishes isn't working because, like you said, he'll leave some and get a charge out it. You need to tailor the punishment to affect him.
I'm evil. I'd set a trap on the basement stairs and send his stupid ass tumbling (not from the top).
^^ LOVE THIS!
Actually we did install a
Actually we did install a lock on the basement door-however, with 3 other kids as well as an adhd and mildly braininjured dh people forget to shut it. Then even if it is shut-we have a sliding glass door down there that he can come in from the outside. Times when I do manage to get both the doors locked he will try to enter the basement and stand on the other side of the door and scream!
I guess I can try to feed him off the dirty dishes. That's not one I've thought of.
As far as the TV in his room, that is why we initially put it in there was so he would leave everyone the eff alone. Unfortunately, he will go back there for 15 minutes play a game, and then be back out harassing others as I said that seems to be his only true joy in life.
Dh and I just talked the other night about moving out at 18. He was like, "God, no, he cant stay here after high school. I cant wait til he's 18". I dont believe college is in the cards for ss-sadly he has a full ride scholarship due to dh's military service-but they wouldnt even put him in college track classes next year because his grades are so piss poor now.
My dh actually called the police on him about a month ago because he gave one of his stimulants to his 10 year old cousin. The police called the prosecutor who said they could charge him with dealing but werent going to do anything because of his age. Sigh.