i don't think it's selfish. if it's important to dh to have him there, then let him come for however long he can handle it and have a sitter ready to take him home when it's time. i did that for my cousin when he got married. when their baby girl got tired and cranky, i left and went to my aunt's with her.

fdh and i plan to go to vegas and get married without telling anyone. reasons being that his family are way too nosy about what we do and think their unfounded opinions should matter to us. simple solution is to do what we want to and not tell them. i'm sure sd19 will make that all about her, just like she has always done with everything. how could we be so hurtful as to do that and not tell her and go away to do it and she wasn't there, bla bla bla. everything is a damn guilt trip with her. she can suck it. she's a HUGE reason why we don't tell anyone anything anymore!

Ummmmmm no. SS doesn't need to be at your wedding. He can't behave, clearly. You get one of these (hopefully) and you don't need YOUR special day ruined.

Let me put it this way to be fair. My DH and I have a four year old daughter that stays up my ass. If we did something like this I wouldn't have HER there LOL. I would only have her brought in for pictures.

How does dad feel about not having him there?

Why not have husband's family deal with him?

Can someone he's familiar with from Dh's family be in charge of him? With an exit stratigy if he becomes unruley?

I may be in the minority, but I think your dh has every right to have his son at his wedding. Matter of fact, if this is the only child excluded I can see it being a source of contention between you two.

Now, that is not to say he is to stay all night. One of your fdh family/friends needs to take care of him or at very least one of the regular sitters. The child should stay until he becomes disruptive. Then a polite goodbye, see you later. As for his meal, if he won't eat, don't pay for it. Have a kids meal prepared if needed. Your venue can arrange this. Or ask gma to keep crackers in her purse and have someone feed him prior to the event.

We excluded all kids from the reception (lets face it, having drinks around a small child is not the best idea), we had all including my sd cared for by guests during the ceremony.
Things may happen, but my motto was it isn't about the wedding, it's about the marriage.

And then remember this is his son. This is a child that maybe you'll never love but his dad does.

We didn't tell Bm our wedding date. It was planned when we had her and she found out after the fact. She blew a poo storm, but it made sure she could not ruin our day by taking sd away.

That aside, I don't think there is a good way to approach your fdh unless you ban all kids. It is unfair to single ss, and I'm sure he will take it as a personal attack.

If ss starts crying have someone remove him from the ceremony. Have him seated at the end of the pew opposite side of the aisle so that he can be removed without a huge scene. Kids cry all the time. It won't ruin your wedding. If so, then they day was doomed before you walked down the aisle.
Also pack a bag of distractions. Silent handheld games, books, whatever ss likes. That should help keep him quiet

How long have you been legally married? So this whole shindig is to make it an event for your families? The thing is you have not introduced this child to your family. Of course he will frak out wiht the attention. But he is part of your DHs life and should be there.

Have someone he knows sit with him during the ceremony and at the beginning of the party. Then after an hyouse or so he can leave to watch movies of his choice under the watchful supervision of a babysitter.

You can't pretend he doesn't exist because he does. But isn't it possible for your family to meet him beforehand? It is unfair for him to be expected to behave imppecably when he has brand new relatives who know all about him and he has no idea who they are?

Actually, offer a babysitter for anyone who has young children.

I'm getting married to fdh in July. My fSS3 is going to be our ring bearer and will be attending the reception as well. We have taken him to several other weddings and all he wants to do is to dance! That's all he's been talking about is dancing lol! He can throw fits, and when he gets tired he refuses to go down, but my aunty- whom he loves- is taking care of him and has offered to have him both before and after the wedding. The reception hall has a member's room with couches, so when he's ready to crash, the plan is to take him in there. We have been talking to him about our wedding and he is getting married too! haha! It's cute- so we'll see what happens when the day comes. Best of luck for you.

You have eloped, you are already legally married. I don't understand why you would put yourself through all of this when you clearly knew beforehand what SS was like and the drama you believed he would cause at your wedding. Why have another ceremony and reception. Why not just a party at home to celebrate the marriage with your family and friends. Is this new ceremony and reception really worth causing problems between you and your husband because you seem to indicate there is something going on there already as you cannot bring up things about ss without DH thinking you are attacking him (ss). You made a choice as to how you wanted your wedding day - you eloped. This is your second wedding day so if you insist on having the whole wedding ceremony reception thing, then you have to allow your ss to be there if your husband wants him there and your husband needs to have someone there to take care of the child. If he wants the child to be with him, well I'm guessing you knew that going into the planning of this.

To be honest this post worries me a bit, this child is only 5 - you have a long road to go and if you are resenting him being at your 2nd wedding to your husband already then this is only going to get worse for you. If you can, imagine this was your 5 year old and his father was re-marrying and the new SM felt this way about YOUR child, would you like it, would you be worried about your child. I would.

These things dont get better they get worse. You have a long, long way to go here so I would pick my battles more wisely if I were you. Don't worry so much about the day (after all you have already had your first wedding day), worry about the marriage. Sorry if I am coming across as being harsh with you, but really, if this child was your bio child with your husband and you were having a second wedding, a first for that matter you would have no qualms about the child sitting on the bridal table and eating with you guys.

If your husband is already putting his child ahead of you and that is what you are really mad about then that is a far different matter and this is something between you and your husband and has nothing to do with the child. If your husband is putting his childs wants ahead of his wife's needs (not talking about the wedding here, this is not your need this is a want), but I am talking about you being his wife and being respected and treated as such, not taking second place to the child in your day to day life, not being disrespected by the child, well you need to sort this out with your husband, because if your husbad is doing this he is only causing you to resent his child. I do wish you all the best. You have chosen a hard road to follow and it is not easy, it will be easier however if you and your husband can talk things over, and you will both have to compromise on many many things. I hope you can do this successfully.

I attended a wedding where there were a few younger kids with FDH last year. Screaming, running, crying, freaking out in general, had to be the center of attention (i think they were children of one of the bride's friends.)

FDH, mortified (he hates unruly kids), turned to me, grapsed my hands, and said 'no children at our wedding, period.'

He seems to have developed a rule against young children at parties in general but I think it's just because he doesn't know how to deal with crying and hysterics. At a christmas party, he begged me to leave early with him because the young son of our mutual friend was throwing a fit. I could have cared less but FDH was so stressed because of it.

So the lesson of the day is, bring your FDH to an adult party where at least one family will be bringing a tantrum throwing child and show him how it can ruin a party. Honestly, I and FDH don't believe in young children at things like weddings (especially since it requires quiet and patience during the ceremony and before) unless they have been proven to behave themselves. But if your FDH insists, I'd come to a compromise and have him there for part of it.

Unfortunately SS is not just any kid, he is your husband's son. It makes a difference. My personal feelings on kids at weddings especially young ones, is NO WAY, they are disruptive, can be very annonying to other guests, at one wedding I attended 3 kids were running backwards and forwards across the front of the bridal party while the speeches were taking place and the speeches could hardly be heard above the squeals of these kids. Another time the wedding was outdoors and a child cried throughout the entire ceremony and neither parent felt the need to remove it, needless to say, no one could hear the ceremony. So, for my own personal preference, I would not have them, but unfortunately when it comes to your husbands son.......that's a different kettle of fish, he really just isn't any other kid.