We are this close to sending Ss away again

Yesterday, my Dh found out that SS had googled "How to cut a vein properly". And he tried to fool us by searching a lot of nonsensical terms at the same time. My Dh almost missed it. But when he found it, he ran downstairs. He couldn't control himself. He began full on yelling at Ss. Ss at one point tried running out of the house. But my Dh yanked him back by his arm. Ss starts yelling I want to see mom. Dh says he doesn't give a crap what Ss wants. That he will just shut up and stop trying to ruin everybody's lives. I am upstairs comforting my terrified kids. That's how loud the yelling was. It ended pretty fast but at the time it felt like forever. Both my boys were crying. I felt so bad. We told the therapist about Ss wanting to see his mom. My Dh can't even bring up his ex-wife without getting angry.

We had installed a camera in Ss's room on Saturday. He was very upset we put it in but he didn't say anything about it. In fact, yesterday was the first time he even spoke in weeks. Last night he used his iphone to destroy the camera. They are both ruined. My Dh told me later that Ss said "You should have just let me die". And my Dh replied "I probably should have". He was so ashamed when he told me. I didn't know whether to be angry or sad. I just hugged him. We both agreed this isn't helping. No matter what the therapist says. We can't keep going on like this. The constant checking on Ss so he doesn't hurt himself. Its taking a toll.

So this morning my Dh suggested a short stay in a treatment facility to Ss. Ss said "I'll them tell about the things you did to me. I'll make you regret ever sending me". My Dh was horrified. We know Ss hates us. But we have no idea to what extent he will go to get back at us. He would make up lies? My Dh texted me at work saying "Im starting to hate him".

There is an inpatient centre 8-9 hours from us. It has a good reputation. They even provide online schooling. What is holding us back is that they also treat severely autistic children and other mental disabilities. They do keep the children with violent behaviours separated but Ss would be sharing common areas with these children. They treat severe depression, which is why we want to send Ss there. We are scared to do it though. Ss has threatened to kill himself, and now make up lies about my Dh, if we send him away. What are we to do? I had a big cry an hour ago. And Ss has an appointment with the specialist on Thursday. Electric stimulation on his sphincter. It is going to be hell.

praying's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

He needs to be in a treatment

He needs to be in a treatment center. With 24/7 trained staff. He needs to be kept away from other children, and you and you husband. Will it be hard...yes, with he hate it...yes, will he hate you both...yes; but how is it any worse then the toxic environment the entire family is going through right now.

With the centers they will request all of the facts about what has in fact happened to him, what he is doing to himself, ect. They will be able to sort through fact vs. fiction, they will be able to help him a lot more then you can keeping him at home.

Making the choice that is best for the CHILD is never easy, but as a parent you have to do what is best for them even when they dont agree/like you.

It is is looking very likely

It is is looking very likely we will be sending him there. We are trying to find another good place where it is only children with behavioural issues. I think having him there with children who have mental disabilities will be too much.

We aren't sending him because therapists have said he needs to be at home. They are the experts. We feel like assholes who just want to get rid of him. But we can't take it anymore.

Im sorry I made you cry Lucy.

Im sorry I made you cry Lucy. Thanks for the wishes.

Huh? What kind of

Huh? What kind of appointment is it that, that stimulates what?

I think he does need more than you can give right now, and is making it worse on himself too. How did he destroy a camera, with an iPhone?

But in such a place they can sort him out and also probably recognise any stories he would tell on DH. But right now he is taking you all down with him!!

I am so sorry but you all need a break from each other! It didn't have to come to this but Ss is basically choosing this for you all!!! Imo. Hugs seem so inadequate, but still

(((((((((((((Praying))))))))))))))). I hope it gets better.

It stimulates his sphincter

It stimulates his sphincter to strengthen it. We have to do it at home. We are doing it to avoid surgery. I blogged about it in my last blog. And he just smashed the phone against the camera repeatedly.

He is forcing us into this. But we still feel terrible. Like we are giving up on him. We sent him away once and it made things worse. A lot of this new behavior is our fault. So it makes it harder to send him there. Thanks for the hugs.

He needs to be in treatment.

He needs to be in treatment. The counselors can generally recognize when a kids is making up stories for attention.

When you admit him, there is a huge intake interview.... DH needs to tell the clinician who does the intake interview about SS's threats to make up stuff, suicidal thoughts, everything....

I would recommend a longer stay than a few days... he needs consistent treatment for a while. A short term placement while seeking a 30-90 day program would be advisable. So sorry you are going through this, and having to make these tough decisions!

Hugs!

We hope they can see through

We hope they can see through it. I found it interesting that he he said he will tell them what my Dh did to him. He didn't even say he was going to lie about it. We want to send him for 4 months. And see if that helps. Then we can move on to a day program. I feel like a failure (

Praying, please don't take

Praying, please don't take this on as your failure. Obviously your SS has been so damaged by the past and needs professional help, beyond what any well-meaning family can orient to. These are extraordinary circumstances, and you have responded beyond ordinary efforts. However, for your own sake (and the younger kids) it's time to shift the scene. He needs a bigger "container" - where the energy of help is bigger than his ability to manipulate it. One breath at a time...

Thank you for the comforting

Thank you for the comforting words Arjuna. I think we are slowly realizing we can't help this. And its getting more difficult to hide all this from our kids. But we still feel very bad about it.

Praying, your ss is the only

Praying, your ss is the only one who can come to the place, inside, of allowing help and believing he can step forward from his trauma. I'm an abuse survivor, and I had to do the work of saving myself - first I had to hide, then I could begin the healing work, then I was 'outed' and oh, that was an unspeakable place - when your greatest trauma and shame are revealed on someone else's terms. That is a whole different dynamic, almost more traumatizing than the original events. That changed things, the work I had to do, the help I needed, and the help that others around me needed (and didn't pursue, further compounding my pain)

You all have healing work to do as well, laying down what is bigger than you can handle without judging yourself as inadequate, honestly grieving the trauma and losses, not only to him but to your family. Taking care of yourselves this way is critical for you, your dh, your kids. I hear your pain. Time, space, attention... get him to the place where he can do his work.. get the support you need as well. Best to all of you.

Thank you for sharing that

Thank you for sharing that Arjuna. You are a hero. I only hope my Ss can be as brave as you. I really hope he will get the life back in his eyes. It tears our hearts apart to see him like this. He refuses to accept all the help we give him. And now its coming to this. I can feel my marriage crumbling. We are going to therapy. I think we should start going together now.

Sweety, you are not a

Sweety, you are not a failure! This kid has issues that have nothing to do with you!

Hang in there!

I hope for your sake you do

I hope for your sake you do not have to go through the hell we have had to. I would really like to see how you and your husband will be able deal with watching a child self-destruct. The fact that we still have our sanity is remarkable.

If you just want to cause trouble, go find another blog. I have not even shared a lot of my life on blogs. Most of my support comes from private messages with trusted friends on this site. I have noticed your posts and they are nothing short of bullying in nature. And we do not need your prayers. I hope you find peace with your own life to stop harassing people on the internet.

I think that too Lucy! I

I think that too Lucy! I think there are 'several' people on here who are actually one person, writing under different names - you would not believe the weird stuff we have had happen here -

people supposedly disguising themselves then reappearing 'from the dead' so to speak, people who were caught with several identities, now the latest trend to me now is people who have tried to join but we are just too awful - yeah right!!!

Sorry Praying - you responded so well honey!! those were awful things for her to say, my God!!!!!

Thanks for the support guys.

I was going to delete it. But

I was going to delete it. But I wanted to leave it to show what a cruel and eveil person she really is. I think shaming people off this site is the best way to go. Or maybe I just felt like calling her out on it. Feeling a bit petty today.

Some people are just sick in

Some people are just sick in the head. She is probably reading all this with a lot of glee. Well, I believe in karma, online or not.

We had to put my mom in

We had to put my mom in residential care with her alzheimers for similar reasons - it was awful but she was a lot stronger physically than my dad and he couldn't handle her. I have never cried so much but there was really nothing else to do!! and they are both much better now

Hi StepAside (and everyone

Hi StepAside (and everyone else). I have always felt in my mind that it would have saved everyone a lot of pain if that monster had taken Ss's life as well. And I feel so bad that it even crosses my mind. I feel like a evil being. But to see him half-alive, I just can't take it. And my Dh is taking this many times worse. I feel absolutely awful that he said what he did to Ss. I know he regrets saying it but now its too late. It really changes you as a person when you see someone so happy, adorable and loving fall to a zombie like state. I think my Dh has been mourning the loss of his son a long time. Except in our case, he sees a living dead version of someone he used to know. IT is a million times worse than just having a dead child (in my opinion). To hear my Dh say he should have let Ss kill himself, breaks my heart.

Praying, I have kept up with

Praying,

I have kept up with your blogs from your very first one-- under both my current name and the previous; and I can honestly say that there is not one ounce of me that agrees with your SS's therapist. I can not logically wrap my brain around the fact that he/she thinks it is best for your SS to stay at home with you guys.

In my mind, and understanding I see it like this:

Your SS had HORRIBLE things done to him, by his FAMILY. Obviously it was not you or your DH doing the damage, but simply the fact that ANY member of his family would do this him has to be beyond devastating. Sexual abuse of any kind is horrific, but to have your own mother know about it, and allow it to continue must have been by far the worst part emotionally for him. While I understand from your blogs that SS never eluded to or gave any signs or voiced anything about the abuse to your DH, there has to be a part of him that blames your DH right along with his mother for not protecting him from his stepfather. I can almost hear the thoughts running through your ss's head of "Why doesn't dad see whats happening to me" "Why don't my parents love me enough to make it stop". So in essence (and IMO) your SS's abuse has caused him to lose complete and total trust and anyone that has to do with the concept of family. Family for your SS is not a happy or safe place; not because you and your DH haven't done everything possible to try and make it that way, but because he has been through such traumatic events and refuses to try and pick up the emotional pieces and start putting himself back together.

I feel that the first attempt at the impatient facility failed the first time around because committing your child has to be the hardest thing for a loving parent to do. To admit to yourself that as a parent you can no longer help your child, and keep him physically and emotionally safe is tragic. To have your son tell you that he hates you, will never forgive you, will kill himself because of what you did to him is awful and heart wrenching. But in the long run, giving him the tools and support to move on is the most LOVING and PROTECTIVE act your DH can do for his son.

Will your SS hate you and DH; absolutely. I'm sure he will feel abandoned and disgusting, like he is no more important to you than he was to his mother. But those feelings, will only be temporary. After he has the tools, support and the desire to change and make steps towards accepting his past and moving past it, it WILL get better. Your SS had the ability to trust the people most people feel they can always count on, family, ripped away from him by his mother. He has to learn to trust and be cared about by someone else, before he begin to start trusting ANYONE in his family again.

And with the realization down the road that the doctors and therapist can be trusted, and genuinely care about it; slowly he begin to rebuild the possibility that despite what one side of his family did--it doesn't mean the other side is just as terrible. But he has to learn and grow within himself first. He has to come to terms with who he is as a person, and come to terms with past. He has to be FORCED to do whats best for him in the long run... even if it feels like the worst for him at the time.

He will hate you for a time, but in the end he will probably thank you for forcing him to connect with himself and move on. Your SS doesn't WANT to be miserable. He just needs the extra push to start rebuilding himself; then once he is whole, he can start rebuilding with his family.

Thank you for such a

Thank you for such a beautiful post. It made me cry. I will read it again a few time tomorrow.

Will your SS hate you and DH;

This is so important to understand. Yes, it's going to be awful for him (all of you) at first, but they will give him the tools to understand and deal with it. A few days/weeks aren't going to cut it. He needs enough time there to learn to deal with all that has happened.

Praying, your blogs are so

Praying, your blogs are so sad that I can't even imagine what you are going thru. I can't even wrap my brain around what your SS is going thru either. He sounds like he is completely broken. It is going to take years for this child to be able to have some semblance of a normal life. You will definitely have to consider drastic measures to save this child from himself. I have a 14 year old son and I see his face every time I read your blogs. I think I would lose my mind completely if something like this happened to my child. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I will hope that this Universe, that is so powerful & magical can see fit to send some sort of peace & normalcy your way. My heart aches for all of you. I wish you much luck on this journey. Hugs....

We really dont want him to

We really dont want him to feel uncomfortable. Living away from us will be uncomfortable enough. But maybe you are right, it could help him in a way.

Praying, he's already

Praying, he's already uncomfortable - and projecting it all on you and his dad - easy targets. In an inpatient environment, with professional help, projection won't cut it. He needs that bigger reality to own his own process. Let yourself have some of the relief that he will be in good hands.

You are here

We are this close to sending Ss away again

Comments