OT- Advice needed for dealing with older family members
In one of my last blogs, I posted that DH and I were getting ready to move his GM83 in with us. We moved on Saturday to a larger apartment that would accomadate all of us, including SS4 when we have him EOWE. So it has been 4 days today, and I am already depressed. GM is driving DH absolutly crazy. They are arguing constantly which I can't handle.
Last night, she refused to eat dinner. She told us she doesn't eat dinner. DH told her (and I was thinking this) bullshit, you ate dinner with us last night and the two nights prior to that. GM "Well, that was spaghetti and pizza. I can only eat the softer foods. The harder foods (I spent an hour making pork chops, roasted red potatos, and roasted brocolli) make my teeth hurt." DH "Then we need to get you new teeth." GM "I don't have the money for new teeth.' DH "Bull, you have more money then Coconut & I do." GM "Well, I wish I were dead and I don't want to spend my money on new teeth." DH "that's fine, I will spend the money on the teeth for you. (He is on her bank account and can write checks for her." GM "Well, I don't eat dinner." Then the whole thing starts over again.
Tuesday morning, she came into our bedroom at 4am! 4 f***ing AM! She apparently thought it was 7 and was worried we had overslept. I told DH that we are adults, if we oversleep and are late to work, that is our problem. She should NOT be coming into our room when we have the door closed. One main reason is that we usually sleep in the nude. I don't want her to see me naked.
I don't know what to do. I am feeling very resentful toward DH, as I am always helping him take care of HIS son and now HIS grandmother. I have nothing I can call my own to take care of. I don't want a baby, not with them fighting all the time and DH & I wouldn't be able to afford daycare and such things for a baby. I have asked him about a dog and he says wants one too, but GM doesn't want us to get one so he won't even broach the subject with her.
GM has given two different reasons why she doesn't want a dog. Neither of which were told to me. She told DH that they cost too much money. I told him, not if you take care of them properly. Yeah, things come up that are unexpected sometimes, but if you make sure to take the dog in for their annual checkups, usually things are good. The other reason she doesn't want a dog... she doesn't want it to pee on the floor. Uh, I worked with dogs to support myself while I was in college. It wasn't great money, but it helped. I know how to train a dog. And I don't want a puppy, I don't want to housetrain a puppy and worry about the chewing and the nipping. I want to adopt an older dog, that is laid back and a snuggler. I have done my research and have found the perfect rescue agency in my area that will help me find what I am looking for.
How do I get DH and GM to see that I need this? This isn't a want anymore. I need something to help me cope with all the arguing. If I had a dog, I would be able to just grab the leash and Dog and I would be able to go on a nice long walk while they work their issues out.
I am sorry this is so long. I have so many emotions and feelings right now. Thank you for any advice or pointers you can give me.
- CrazieCoconut86's blog
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Comments
I say tell them to suck it
I say tell them to suck it up. You live everyday with things you don't want, why can't they suffer a little? If GM doesn't like it, she can mover her ass out. I am assuming you help pay the bills and therefore you are entitled to make a decision about your household.
I forgot to mention the fact
I forgot to mention the fact that old people are often like skids on steroids. Same entitled, pissy attitude and they think they're allowed because they're adults and younger people who were taught to be respectful allow it because they don't want to rock the boat. Sound familiar?
This is exactly it. And she
This is exactly it. And she is such a PITA that no one in the family wants to deal with her. IT was all put on DH's shoulders because she adopted him when he was 4 or something like that. That would be great and all, but she also kicked him out when he was 16 because GP was dieing. She forced him to live on the streets for no reason. He wasn't a trouble maker, never caused any problems. He had no where to go. He eventually got his half brother to let him stay with him until he graduated high school. Then he was on his own again.
So, DH has to take care of the woman who kicked his ass out for no reason other than she didn't want him in the house while his GP was dieing. I think I would have appreciated any help I could get in that situation, but that's just me.
Oh, Coconut honey. Eldercare
Oh, Coconut honey. Eldercare is really hard, especially when it's not your family member.
1) Vent. Vent here as much as you want, and find a local support group if you can.
2) Get a dog. It's your home. She doesn't get a vote on this. I would play the guilt card -- you are taking in his grandmother, you need a damn dog. And older dogs rock -- no housebreaking, no romping, they are good and calm and so very grateful. I agree, it will be a lifesaver for you and I see this as a non-negotiable.
3) As long as she is getting enough nutrition (a frequent problem in the aging) then don't sweat it if she skips dinner. Keep in mind that she has lost pretty much all control over her life -- asserting control over her food makes her feel like she still has a voice. So don't make a big deal of it, just move on. And keep some Boost or Ensure around.
4) My heart goes out to you. Please let us know how it goes.