SD4 now tells me "that's not your job!"
Since I have been with my FDH I have been raising SD4's side by side with him, as he has full custody and their BM abandoned them over a year ago. Just recently BM has started seeing them Wednesday afternoons and EOWE. During my time with FDH, I have been right there changing diapers, potty training, teaching them how to read and write, making breakfast, giving baths, you know the routine. Until their BM came back into the picture a few months back, I'm not even sure if they knew I wasn't their mom (other than they didn't call me mom).
As far as one SD4 goes, seeing her BM occasionally doesn't seem to have affected her in the slightest. She knows where she lives, who she lives with and that she see only sees her BM once in awhile.
The other SD4 acted out in very strange ways towards me after she started seeing BM again. In the beginning, when she would come home, it was always "you don't live here, my mom lives here". Then it became "I only love mommy", then it was "mommy says I need to (insert something silly here)". I ignored the comments and they went away after a handful of weekends with her BM.
So tonight, SD4's come back from BM's and we are getting them ready for bed. I get out their toothbrushes and put toothpaste on them for the girls (like I do every night). SD4 looks at me (in a not nice way) and says "that's not your job! That job is for mommy or daddy, you don't put toothpaste on my toothbrush!" I just looked at her, handed over her toothbrush and said "well it's my job too, brush your teeth." Soon after she makes a comment about how "mommy is going to come over in a little bit and stay here." Yeah, ok.
I found it weird for her to be making these comments again after they had stopped for so long. I wonder if it has any relation to the fact that BM decided she no longer liked me after last week, when I couldn't change a drop off time at the last minute just because she decided she didn't want to have the girls till later that night.
How do I handle this without wanting to bop SD on the noggin and say "look kid, I'm the one raising you, get over it."
you should sit down with
you should sit down with their father and their mother and have a meeting about parental roles.at your house you are their mom.just because bm comes skipping back into their lives after she partied for a year doesn't mean she won't go skipping back out when she gets bored of having kids again so you need to establish boundaries and rules now.
That would really
That would really hurt...Definately BM is filling her head with garbage.
Your right BlendedFam...early
Your right BlendedFam...early on and frequently we have had the "you have one Mommy/one Daddy, but I love you and take care of you like a mommy" talk. One SD4 has never questioned this. It's the other SD4 that has a sudden change in perspective.
I know some may disagree with
I know some may disagree with how we approached this issue but it worked really well for us. We (BF and I) explained to him that "he's a lucky boy cause he's got 2 mom's. BM is your mom because she blah blah blah, and outofplace is your mom because blah blah blah. WE both love you the same, and take care of you. Isn't that great!?"
This would certainly not work for all kids, but it worked wonders for us. He had been calling me mom off and on, clearly confused about my role.
I also (again many would disagree) think it's important for YOUNG children to have a nickname for their stepmom. I don't think they should just call you by your first name, that's not fitting for the role you have in their life. My SS4 calls me Madre, we didn't force him to call me that, we merely suggested it since he was already trying to call me mom. He picked it up right away, and feels special that only he gets to call me that.
Uggh...I think Parental
Uggh...I think Parental Alienation (as far as I go) is happening now. Usually by the next morning any thing SD4 has said to me are long gone from her mind. This morning I went in to get them out of bed when they woke up. Usually they are thrilled whether it's me or daddy getting them up. Today all SD4 did was look at me and go "where's my daddy?" with a snotty look.
I like the comments everyone made about what to respond with. Although I am particularly fond of:
"You have a BM but she cannot take care of you, so I am taking care of you instead along with daddy"
Because it's the actual truth. BM has a mental illness that she uses as an excuse for not being able to see/watch the girls, unless it's convenient of course. The girls have a medical condition and BM even had me come over one night to take care of their medical needs on her weekend with them because she was too sick. I shouldn't have gone, I know, but with their medical needs I had no choice but to go into her house to attend to their condition or take them home (kicking and screaming) out of BM's house.
I will sit down with DH and discuss how to handle this, especially if it continues. Which, if BM has started this now, I'm sure it will only get worse from here.
Because you describe BM as
Because you describe BM as having a mental illness, it lends itself to probable PA.
Head it off at the pass. Have your FH sit with your SDs and have a talk with them about why the sudden change in their attutude toward you. Better yet, have him take them for a little drive to get ice cream! It's a well-known "trick" that kids will open up and be at ease while driving in the car (especially while enjoying an ice cream cone in the back seat!)
But have him keep it light and non-threatening- just find out the facts. And THEN document it diligently. If BM is clearly compromising her relationship with you and the girls (and thus her relationship with you and FH and the girls) then FH should seek legal advice ASAP!
And if SDs continue to seem conflicted and angry toward you, then seek counseling for them as well. These BMs (especially when mentally unwell) NEVER realize the severe emotional abuse they are inflicting on their precious children.
Luckily the girls are young enough now that if you take apprpriate steps now, you can head off any permanent damage from BM.