Calm before the Storm?
I need input from you ladies (and gents). So baby fever has pretty much taken over my life for a little while now. We have an almost 22 month old and we decided that maybe we could start trying for another baby in the middle of next year, if the circumstances are right when that time comes, of course.
I've thought about pretty much everything - finances, what stage of development our son will be at that time, how we'll include him, etc. - but I didn't think about one thing until it struck me recently... weekends.
Right now, DH visits his daughter every weekend at his mom's house about an hour away. He has brought her for weekends at our house a few times but it's not equipped for her - the main thing bring, she does not have a bed here and I do not intend to co-sleep with somebody else's almost 4 year old. When she was younger, I think she may have co-slept with us once, but I do not intend to do that now. When she came some months back, I just slept on the sofa.
My thing is that right now, when he visits with his daughter, I'm home with our son by myself and we have fun, but I don't want to do that for the rest of my life and with another baby. We've discussed what should be done before but he doesn't seem to be moving forward with anything. It's like he's stuck in doing things a certain way that he doesn't want to do it differently. Sometimes I wonder if he really wants what he says he want.
I guess my question to you guys is would you discuss this now or closer to the time that we decide to have another? I have decided for a while now that I will let him do his own thing when it comes to his daughter because we'll talk, and I'll be hopeful that he'll do something but he doesn't. But I think it might be more difficult for our current routine to work if we have another baby - especially in the early days.
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Honestly, it sounds like you
Honestly, it sounds like you want the little girl out of your life. You have not made any provisions for her and you are talking about bringing a third child into this. Not fair, she was here first and should have a place in your home. He obviously doesn't want to do anything about the situation and you can not force him. But, honestly this just sounds mean. Why is the house not equipped for her, but it is equipped for you to have another child.
^^^^^ This ^^^^^^^^. Even a
^^^^^ This ^^^^^^^^. Even a daybed would suffice. I think this is mean.
First of all she was not here
First of all she was not here first - DH and I have been together for 8 years and she's 4... do the math. At first, when she was born he would take her to his mom's house to visit with her because his mom lives like 2 minted away from her and obviously at that time I was hurt by what happened.
She has come to our house in the last couple years, but not consistently so I guess he wasn't motivated to have a lot of things here. The last time we spoke, I thought we made some headway (see my last blog) but I guess we haven't.
When we decided to have our son, I knew what we needed so I got them. I don't think it's my responsibility to do that for his child.
She was here before any of
She was here before any of his other kids. The order of birth doesn't matter. All of his kids should have a bed in his home.
So if your DH cheated on you
So if your DH cheated on you and had a child with his mistress, you'd be totally cool with having that kid have a room in your house? Now... granted, she chose to stay with the guy, which I would not have and to have a child with him, knowing this other kid existed.... but still, that's a pretty big kick in the teeth - and she's just supposed to suck it up and deal with having this child of an extra-marital affair in her house and on top of it, it's "not a big deal" who makes sure this kid has space in her house?
I'm with OP on this one - bio-dad pulled a major stupid, even if I could forgive him, this kid would be 100% his responsibility to deal with/buy for/attend to. I think she's got a pretty decent reason to disengage from everything here.
Ouch, so he stepped out on
Ouch, so he stepped out on you, had a kid and you stayed with him? I can understand the kid not coming to your house, I wouldn't be able to look at the constant reminder of his infidelity either. I'd let him visit the kid at his mothers house. But that's just me, I wouldn't be able to accept that child.
My guess is because mom takes
My guess is because mom takes care of her children, expects dad to take care of his, and he doesn't. It isn't SMs job to ensure SK has all the furniture she needs...it is dad's.
Agree - he should be handling
Agree - he should be handling this. But, he sounds dense and won't do it, well then she should at least have some maternal instinct and at the very least get the kid a space of her own.
He should not be having anymore children if he can't take care of the one he had before he re-married. How would OP feel if she divorced him and her child had no space at his house with his new wife and their kids...
What DeeDeeTC said. He had a
What DeeDeeTC said.
He had a ONS with her mother during our relationship and we decided to work through it. It hasn't been the easiest of situations, but it is what it is.
I have never expected my DH to not take care of and see his daughter but it's not my responsibility.
Certain things, I take care of when it comes to our son, but he's a good father.
No, I want him to man up and
No, I want him to man up and get things done. Before our last talk he would get defensive when I spoke about his Disney dad behaviour. So I stopped talking about it.
The last time we spoke, I thought we got somewhere. I told him what I was willing to do and what I expected of him. He thought it was reasonable. He still hasn't really done anything though and I need him to start. I need him to get things in place to show that he wants to do visitations here.
I don't think his daughter feels left out doing visitations at grandmas house because her older cousin and other family members are there. DH is the one who keeps talking about doing visitations here but not really because he hasn't started making those provisions. I'm not jumping the gun and buying things that he doesn't intend to use.
She is four yaers old. Does
She is four yaers old. Does it matter if it is dad's idea or SM idea to get a bed for her. Just get her a bed and make her feel a part of the family. Why don't you both take her out to pick out a pretty blanket - bond with her while she is young! Now is the best time.
I can only speak to my
I can only speak to my situation, but yeah, it does. I am not SKs primary caregiver, yet DH expected me to do this. Birthdays, events, getting them stuff..I was the woman, so DH expected me to do it.
That Sitkation isn't good for anyone and created a lot of resentment.
that is truly sad!! go get
that is truly sad!! go get her a toddler bed toys and movies set up her room she deserves to be part of a family now the two of you formed these other cildren are her silblings now!! she deserves t ogrow up knowing her father her sm and her half siblings for sure...god that just makes me want to cry... we have our sd half the time they have their own everything at our house as well as their moms house!! thats the way it should be...
We're talking about a simple
We're talking about a simple bed for a 4 year old. Who cares which person places the order? All that matters is that the child has a bed to sleep in when she's with her dad.
The Op can pay for the bed then hand the bill to dad.
Kayro, I agree with you 100%.
Kayro, I agree with you 100%. It couldn't be me girlfriend....
It has been difficult and
It has been difficult and I've tried to deal with it the best I can. In the beginning, he took her to his mom's house because it was more convenient and because of the "situation".
Then he started taking her to our house in the daytime, but we had problems with manners and discipline (for example, him telling her to say hi to me and her telling him that "she can't" even though she greeted him, her cousin and grandma) so I disengaged and he pulled back and went back to doing it at his mom's house. He didn't want to discipline because she was just here for a day on the weekend and he didn't want her ro be uncomfortable.
Like I said, I thought we were getting somewhere.
If you chose to forgive him
If you chose to forgive him for this, you should at least be open to the child as well. He is a guy, he won't give her her own space. That will have to come from you. I agree he should pay for it and I hope you have separate finances given his past of cheating.
But, this is a child, she didn't ask for any of it and she is just four years old. GIVE HER A BED and some TOYS, so she wants to visit your husband. I don't care how she got here, she is here now and she needs to have a regular routine with a father. This is not healthy for that child. What does it say to your child, that his other kid is not as valued as he/she is?
But if you forgive for the
But if you forgive for the affair then you need t oforgett- you cant not puish a child and her future because your husband cheated1 that is really wrong... if you cant handle it you need to leave and satrt a different life for yourself... i know that you feel a certain way and that is understandble but you forgave him and now you have t olive this life if you pick t ostay in it for good.obv he doesnt love this other women he is not with her it iwas just a mistake that brough a child in the world... but dont puish this baby because of it...and honesty you are only making it worse by not welcoming her in your world...
Howactly am I punishing
Howactly am I punishing anybody. Her mother does not gave a job so everything that she needs, he's the one who buys it (and his family too). Her toys, her bed at mom's house her clothes - everything. There are SMs here who disengage so I don't see how I'm punishing her if I step back. I have my child to provide for.
I totally agree with your
I totally agree with your stance. This child is not your responsibility. Your DH can see her away from your home, and it would be a hard pill to swallow to begin with that he is supporting her 100% financially.
Yes, it was. I mean if she
Yes, it was. I mean if she needs a pin the mom calls and he buys it. We talked about it and he said that he can't force her to get a job and he can't let his child go without.
I understand that (to an extent) but I will not be contributing to that. Our finances are separate so I won't have to worry about that.
And exactly WHO are the
And exactly WHO are the adults here?
- a non-working BM who obviously spreads her legs easy and doesn't care enough about possible reprecussions to avoid a. sleeping with a married man and b. use protection
- a jackwagon who would rather go screw around on his wife than jack off in the bathroom AND doesn't care about protecting HIMSELF either
- a woman who is willing to overlook this rather HUGE character flaw to not only have him back but to have one (possible TWO) children with him! So, you already knew he was a crap father before YOU got pregnant. I mean what kind of a father doesn't get his OWN CHILD a bed to sleep in?!?
It's usually just one day out
It's usually just one day out of the weekend and I would feel weird about having her sleep on the sofa.
ETA: I don't have a problem with him taking her for the day. He prefers if she stays overnight when he takes her here because of the drive but he does it from time to time.
Sounds like the BM got the
Sounds like the BM got the great end of the deal for this one. She gets every single weekend free and doesn't have to lift a finger in financial support of her own child. smh
For my own sanity, I'm going
For my own sanity, I'm going to step away from this post. I was just asking a question and it turned into this.
Think whatever you want about my husband, but he's a good father. He takes care of his child financially and he sees her on weekends - the only thing is that he sees her at his mom's house. The situation is different from a lot of yours, but there's no need to be harsh. It's not as if she's coming here and we have her sleeping on the floor. When she did come she slept in my bed.