Did FDH over react or did I under react
I had a fun evening last night. When I arrived home from work last night my BD(7) had not yet come home from visiting with her father. When she did arrive her bio dads mother was dropping her off. When she entered the house she told me that FSD(7) had tried to take her jump rope at school. FDH came flying around the corner told her she was lying and she would be talked to later. Now I don't mind FDH punishing BD but I do not like the way that he talked to her in front of her grandmother.
Of course FDH is heated about my BD lying about his BD to get her into trouble which I agree with. But his BD(7) has many extreme behavior issues and is a known bully and liar and has treated my BD like shit for almost 2 years. She is constantly picking on my BD saying abusive things taking her toys and saying that they're hers. It was so bad last year when they were both in the same kindergarten class that at the end of the year their teacher told me that she split them up because she was worried about my BD's developement due to FDH's BD constant bullying, conrtolling and dominating of my BD.
FDH made a comment about how my BD needs to go to bed early and I told him that I though that it was a bit extreme that she'll lose her treat for the evening which obviously is not good enough for him. I told him that if it was one of his kids that they would never go to bed early for that and I don't think it's fair. He did say that she probably already had a treat when she was with her father so taking a second treat away really isn't a punishment. He tried to argue with me repeatedly in front of my BD in which I had to tell him that we were not going to do this in front of her.
After BD took her bath I helped her with her homework while FDH just sat in the livingroom and stewed. After that I brought her into the livingroom and asked her if FSD tried to take her jump rope and she said yes. I asked her if she told someone and she said a duty and her teacher. I told her that I would be emailing her teacher tomorrow to see if she indeed went to her. My BD admitted to not mentioning anything to her. Then I asked her what the name of the duty was that she spoke with and couldn't remember which I know is complete crap. So I called her out and she admitted to lying. Her punishment for that was going to bed early.
Now because of the time she was dropped off, her bath, and doing her homework it was only 30 minutes before her normal bedtime.
FDH gets upset about this and states to me that she needs to go bed early again which I disagreed with. He stated that she lied to me three times and that 30 minutes is not adequate. I told him that his kids lie all the time and that he was only upset because he felt that his BD was being picked on and that his BD picks on mine all the time and doesn't get in trouble. In fact just this last Sunday I caught his BD telling my BD that nobody likes her and nobody wants her around which I find very abusive and it's not the first time I have walked in and caught her saying mean things to my BD for no reason and does she get in trouble? No.
FDH was upset because my BD intentionally tried to get his BD in trouble when his BD wasn't even with us this week. I tried to tell him that his son does it to FSD all the time and later gave him an example and he never gets in trouble for it. He doesn't think that his BS should be punished because he is only 5 which I think is crap and told him that if a child knows the difference between right and wrong it's punishable. It's not about the age and that if he is going to set a punishment it's going to be for everyone and not just to the kids that he feels deserves it. (FSS is his fav kid.)
What crap. His BD picks on mine constantly. Is very emotionally abusive to my BD and FDH will just jump in and defend her telling me that she is not abusive that it's just the way kids are. But the minute mine even attempts to pick on his BD watchout. It's wrong and we are going to send her to bed early everyday this week. Oh but is FSS does it it's okay because he's 5 and doesn't know any better. If that's true then there some pretty shitty parenting going on. What child at 5 doesn't know it's wrong to lie.
Sorry this is so long. I was just wondering who's in the right here.
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Comments
Sounds like he overreacted. I
Sounds like he overreacted.
I think you two need to sit down and write out standard consiquences for this type of behavior, so all the kids are getting equal treatment. Lying gets you xyz...... Bullying a stepsibling gets you abc... Ect ect. And it needs to be evenly enforced on all the kids. Decide what specifically you will ignore, what you will talk to them about and what will get punishments, and exactly what the punishemnt will be.
Seems like Dh has been building resentment over his kids getting into trouble, that the first chance he had to turn the tables he went over board on your dd.
We do already have a list of
We do already have a list of rules and punishments. FDH was just upset because this time his BD was being bullied by mine FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER and he felt the need to become protective papa bear. The only thing that I have to say to that is welcome to my world FDH.
Also, how was he so sure
Also, how was he so sure immediately that she was lying?
Because when he showed up to
Because when he showed up to pick my BD up from school his BD came over and I guess according to FDH my BD pulled the jump rope out of her backpack to show his BD and his BD flipped out and acted like she had never saw my BD with it all day at school.
I agree that the punishment
I agree that the punishment should be stronger for lying. I also think that your SD needs to be called out at every instance. No freebies for anyone. Also, you need to do something to facilitate these kids to like each other. We had no problems with this stuff and they are all around the same age at the same school. We had some problems with SD after she left trying to get attention but nothing while living together.
I think what helped us was that we made sure to do things every weekend as a family unit. No steps, just family. Lots of walks, movies, parks and dinners out and vacations...I really think if you make a point to do things together it helps them feel like they are not enemies...You have a lot of work to get them to like each other.
If you can't do it, I can not see this working out and just getting worse...
I have repeatedly told FHD
I have repeatedly told FHD that I am worried about my BD and how FSD treats her and the things that she says to her. I think that FSD is verbally and emotionally abusive towards my BD and FDH thinks it's normal kid behavior. REALLY? Then why doesn't my BD say the mean things that FSD says to her to FSD or anybody else for that matter.
Then the question you need to
Then the question you need to ask is why are YOU condoning this? By staying there you are condoning it.
Appreciate you love FDH but he isnt a good role model for your daughter and she is 7, she doesnt get the choice to run away or escape from these out of control children. With their daddy enabling their behaviour at every turn, they are only going to escalate and your DD will be looking at you wondering why you remain if that means SHE is a target...just saying...
I have and am thinking about
I have and am thinking about this. I'm trying to get FDH to do something about it and if he can't, well I can't have my BD in this type of a situation.
I almost forgot toward the
I almost forgot toward the end of FDH's freak out he told me that he was just going to eat and go to bed. So I went and poured myself a bath and watched a movie. I also locked the bedroom door (I know a bit childish) when I went to bed since he was already passed out in the living room. I have no idea what time FDH came into get in bed but he unlocked the door and walked and said don't lock my effing door.
That's right. Everytime we get in a fight he lets me know that I own nothing and that he owns everything. I gave him his house key back months ago and won't take it back since it's his house. Makes me wonder if once we're married he's still going ot be saying this shit.
Do you really have to wonder?
Do you really have to wonder? Of course he's going to say that shit. He feels like he's in control and you're just showing him how much he's right by staying, by allowing your daughter to be bullied, by not leaving or Making something change. Obviously you aren't allowed to parent his children so why does he get to parent yours? His kids don't get disciplined, so why does he feel can punish yours?
It will not get better if you get married - it will get worse because he will know it's just that much harder for you to leave. Have you asked yourself what it is that you really get out of this relationship? And is that worth having your daughter mistreated and being reminded whenever he feels like it that you're basically totally unimportant to him? Because a continual reminder that everything is His, he's telling you you aren't his partner, you're his dependent, that he has the power and control and if he feels like it, you're screwed. He doesn't sound like much of a nice guy to me. Is that the relationship you want your daughter to have as an example for when she grows up?
Oh my. You need to get out
Oh my. You need to get out now. Not later, not next week, next month, but now. This is insane.
Edit to add...if you don't want to leave, at least let your DD live somewhere else because this is crazy.
Oh and here's the example
Oh and here's the example that I gave FDH about FSS lying to get his sister in trouble.
This last weekend FHD asked his BS to go and pick his room up. FSS tells FDH the his sister helped make the mess so FDH send both of them back to clean up the room together. Now I just happened to be in the back part of the house and watched FSD clean up a majority of FSS's room while FSS played a game. FSD asked FSS repeatedly to help before she said she was done and he could clean the reast and then walked away. FSS proceeds to follow FSD out into the living room where FDH was and then tells FDH that FSD wouldn't help him clean his room. When FSD tried to tell FDH that she did help FSS lied to FDH again and told him that she never help.
I stepped in and told FDH that I was in the back part of the house and saw FSD clean most of the mess up. Do you know what FSS's punishment was for trying to get his sister in trouble and get her to clean up the rest of his room? Nothing. FDH just told him to go and clean up the rest of his room.
Not only did FSS lie to FDH twice but willfully disobeyed him when he was asked to do something.
Now do you think that this 5 year old is just innocent and doesn't know what he's doing? Or do you think he knew exactly what he was doing?
The funny thing is, if I had not stepped in FDH would have believed FSS and made FSD go back and clean the rest of his room.
Not only is your daughter
Not only is your daughter being taught how NOT to act by the actions your skids get away with, but YOU are teaching her what SHE will be expected to put up with from the asshole....erm, SO...she chooses later in life.
If I were you, I would go to counseling to see why I feel like my child and I deserve this kind of shit treatment.
Because Your FDH just jumped
Because Your FDH just jumped on it so fast, makes me think he's a bully? Maybe thats where his kids get it. Because he has to be right all the time. I would think about counseling blending familys is hard. Having 2 girls the same age makes them both feel like they have to fight for attention. I don't see you and DH fixing the problem with out help. I was bullied in school and so was my sister it is a very hurtful and stressful thing to go through. If FDH is not welling to go to counseling before things get worst. You should seriously decide if you wanted to put your child through being bullied, at school and at home. Atleast as a kid we got a break at home. Remember being in that relationship is your choice not her.