SD16 Hot and Cold behavior toward me when DH is around.

So I am a SM to SD16 and SS14 who live with me and their dad full time. (Actually I moved into their house- BIG MISTAKE!!! but that's a completely different story!)
I've been living here for about 2 years.

There is a very strange dynamic happenings between me, SD16 and my husband. To sum it up, my SD CANNOT be close to me and her father at the same time- meaning if she's being loving and respectful to one of us, she is the polar opposite with the other. For the fist year and 1/2 that I lived here, she was pretty much close to me, very loving, very attached and pretty nasty to her dad.
Although, anytime we were all together, Me, Husband, SS14 and SD16, it was usually uncomnfortable and both kids having very unpredictable moods, mostly bad ones. (I have recently stopped putting myself in this position of going out as a "family" together because it is so unpleasant and uncomfortable) According to the book Stepmonsters, research suggests between the ages of 10-16, you should avoid these "group outings" as a family because skids at this age are in the "insider/outsider dynamic" and it doesn't take a genious to figure out who is the outsider! And that planning more one on one activities is best.

Ok, so I got side tracked. I should also mention that my SD has said to her dad on her own a few months ago, that she is aware that she cannot be close to both me and her dad at the same time and she doesn't know why. We are in the process of finding her a therapist. (she finally agreed to go)

Now, my SD is in a phase of being a bit "over the top" close to her dad, talking to him about intimate details- like making out with boys and how it felt, talking very sweetly to him, always making sure he's "ok", and being outright cold as ice to me, like ignoring me, walking into my bedroom batting her eyes at her dad & talking only to him and not even acknowledging my existence or giving me a cold stare. Not to mention that it RIPS MY F-ING HEART OUT that she just suddenly dropped me, but more so I'm wondering, has anyone else dealt with this sort of hot/cold behavior, particularly from a SD who once was very close to you? Any tips on how to deal with this sort of thing? And no, we had no falling out. And stranger yet, if her dad is NOT around she runs over and hugs me and talks to me and is very loving. :?

I am in therapy and me and DH are in couple's counseling. But I wanted to get some perspective from people who may have been in my shoes. Any suggestions on how to deal with this? What works? What doesn't?
My husband finally interrupted the behavior 2 nights ago and told SD that he was no longer tolerating her disrespect of his wife and that there will be consequences if she does. We began this relationship thinking we'd be the brady brunch, HA the joke is on us!

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My SD15 is like that. I

My SD15 is like that. I married DH when she was 10. She was so jealous and would have done anything to get rid of me and have her daddy back all to herself. She would be nice to me when he was at work. The minute he would get home she would ignore me and be all over him.

Now she is 15 and its the same way. I absolutely hate it when we are all together because of how she acts. She is all up his butt and daddy remember this and daddy remember that and saying things she knows will bother me. She pretends I am not there. She follows him around the house. I try to just ignore it but it drives me crazy. Most of the time he is at work and doesn't get home until they are in bed so she is normal and nice when he is not around. She also will go behind my back and ask him for something that I already said no to. Then he will say yes not knowing that I said no. Then she comes to me and says well daddddyyyy said yes. Uggghhhh!

She has not admitted to any of this but I think that she is just really jealous of me and my kids (DD10 and BD3) and she gets all insecure and starts to need his attention to prove something to herself. Its very weird.

Thankfully he works alot and this doesn't happen very often but I dread taking family vacations because it seems like she is stuck like glue to him and has to sit next to him and has to go to the bathroom at the restaurant when he has to go and if he doesn't go in the pool she wont either. I am trying a new thing lately and its ignoring her and not reacting to her anymore. I pretend she is not there.

Yeah, I think it's a jealousy

Yeah, I think it's a jealousy thing happening over here too. Something else I've been thinking lately...she used to be very close to me and actually not close to her dad, even outright nasty. I honetly think that this was her way of punishing him for bringing me into his life, like rubbing it in his face that she's loving me and not him. She would cuddle with me in front of him and hug me first when we'd pick her up from summer camp.

I'm going to try the ignoring her thing, thanks for advice. I've definitely been reacting. It's going to take a lot of work for me to not react. I just feel like I should be respected in my own bedroom!!

I also notice that when DH is

I also notice that when DH is annoyed with her for something she comes kissing my butt and is all sweet to me. If I am annoyed with her for something she gets all up daddys butt and will give me dirty looks over his shoulder.

HA! me too!!! They know what

HA! me too!!!

They know what they're doing!

It is very hard to ignore

It is very hard to ignore these things and just walk away. I noticed that the less I react the less dramatic the situation gets and even sometimes SD will actually start being nice to me if she thinks it is not bothering me.

It is all a work in progress for me. This past Thanksgiving we went on a family vacation. I bought us all red and black outfits so we can take our christmas pic while we were there. SD hated the outfit I bought her and make it very known. She pouted and cried and made a huge deal in front of DH. That was it for me. I ignored her the entire vacation and I was so much happier! At the dinner table she put her head down and tried to play sick and we both ignored her until he finally yelled at her. She didn't win. At the hotel room she followed him around and I ignored, ignored, ignored. We ended up having a great trip. I had no stress because I wasn't so worried about her bad moods and how weird she was being. I did my own thing and pretended she wasnt there. It actually backfired on her. She was annoyed because I was being all happy and very cuddly with DH and she ignored us in return.

Thank you for this

Thank you for this perspective-
I know it's a work in progress, DH and I are really just starting to get on the same page with regard to the skids and our partnership as husband and wife. The thing is I know you're right, that if I ignore it, it'll probably stop. As long as DH doesn't go along kissing her ass when she's being that way. And if I can be loving and connected to my husband NO MATTER what outrageous behavior she displays to let us know she is dissatisfied, the better off I will be. I think what happens is that I get mad at DH for allowing her to dominate the whole energy of the household and then I don't want to be all lovey with him. So it ends up driving a wedge in between me and DH. We are currently working on this though.

Did you SD permantly stop that behavior, or does it just continue off and on?

She still acts like that but

She still acts like that but I try to get myself out of the situation. The same thing happens that I get annoyed with DH and we end up in a huge blowout over this spoiled rotten child. I decided that I was not going to let her win anymore. I am so sick of her getting in a pissy mood and it changes the dynamic of the house. Then I get stressed that DH is going to coddle poor SD because she is pretending to be sick or whatever she is up to. I think he senses my stress and we end up fighting while she is sitting in the corner smiling to herself about the entire thing. I can't do it anymore. I go in my room or in another room. Or I go to the store to get milk or whatever. I even have noticed that since I stay out of it DH will come to me and say how annoying SD is being and that she is driving him crazy. Now if I would say that he would get mad but since I ignore it, he brings it up. Then I just say "oh I didn't notice" and go back to what I was doing.

My SD is 15 and she is so insecure. She will do anything for attention. She still cries at birthday parties because the attention is not on her. She is a trainwreck just like her mother. She is mean so she has no friends. She always has to be the first to get anything and then show off to everyone at school. She is insanely jealous of me and my 10 yr old daughter and me and DH's 3 yr old daughter.
She lives with us and BM has no visitation even though they do see each other sometimes. She has actually been gone all week visiting her and I notice the mood of the house has been so relaxed and happy. Even DH has been less stressed. I don't think I really realize how much of an impact she has on my moods. I hate her being here. WHen DH is home she follows him around the house. Drives me insane!!
My only option was to just ignore her because when I pay attention to it I get stressed and it makes us fight and she wins. DOnt get me wrong, DH last week was on a "you hate my daughter rant" and I went off the deep end. No matter what I do he will think I hate her so I am just going to stop trying. I don't care anymore. Its been 5 years of her shit.