Do you ever stop and wonder is this really my life?
I can't believe I am 40 years old and this is my life. I don't mean to sound ungrateful I have 3 good kids, a decent job, and my Parents who are well and close by- but evidently I'm not meant for a relationship. I've got one dead husband and another I just wish were dead. I am back posting on my old blog because who the hell really cares? As far as I'm concerned shit can't really deteriorate anymore than they already have. On my other blog I posted about ss coming to live with us and how that all went down yesterday.
My dh literally called me at work and said, "I'm getting a place of my own with ss and I took out half our savings from the bank". Things started making sense- his strange behavior, packing his shot up and moving it to a new location. Well the more we talked he convinced me that hw did not wish to leave mr but thought I'd kick him out as he knew I didn't really want ss here. I told him we could give it a try- I didn't feel like ending my marriage snd my kids losing their father because of one punky little kid.
So this morning I went off to work in a fairly good mood- not exactly hopeful but maybe relieved that this new chapter was here instead of hanging over my head for the last 9 months or so. So at some point I text dh to ask if he put the money back in the acct. It's a good amount- certainly not what someone would want to casually carry around. He said no. And no he wasn't putting it back. Evidently yesterday he needed it to get a place with ss and well he was leaving so I guess it would at least make sense that we would have to eventually divide things( although the right thing to do would have been to discuss it first) but now today he needs to keep this money in a location that ge will not disclose in order for him to feel secure. I told him utterly wrong I felt this was to take half our savings without discussing it with me and then hiding it from me.
I don't even know what more to say there was alot of shit but he said he's done with me controlling him( this was our money in a joint account that we've had for 10 years) and that he is not doing what I say anymore. I am not even sure how having a joint acct with your spouse could mean one spouse is controlling another. He is not even making sense but he keeps acting like he is bring perfectly reasonable and that if I truly loved him I would want him to feel secure. wtf? I told him just to forget it- if our marriage of 10+ years and a spouse who has stood by him thru everything does not bring him any security but hiding Monet from that spouse does then I was not interested in remaining in this marriage. He texted me and told me he loves me and all his family and I should just " trust" him about the money. He said he is not leaving- I will have to force the issue. I am sitting ing parents effing driveway- they are out of town- because I can't even stand to be in the same house as him. I am so pathetic I make mysel sick
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What a jerk! Make sure to
What a jerk!
Make sure to empty that account- as long as his names on it, he has equal access to it. Don't let him leave you with any less than what you have.
Stick to your guns. I cant imagine how this could possibly get better- so make your plans to move on. Good luck.
^^^^^^^^^^ this First thing
^^^^^^^^^^ this
First thing is first - protect yourself and make sure to get a new account or a non joint account at the very least. I don't know his history with you but if he could do this once (even if it was fairly and evenly divided) who is to say he won't get some random hair up his ass later and try to take more. Even if you stay together now (no judgement here), it's better to make a strong financial decision for your own future without him, if it comes to that.
AGREE! AGREE! AGREE! Since he
AGREE! AGREE! AGREE!
Since he felt the needto split things up, the rest is yours - protect it ASAP! Move it to an account that's just yours. I could barely read the whole post because I wanted to say this.
This might also seem mean, but I say step back a bit and let him take care of his damn self. Let's see who will drop their shit to drive him and his brat around. Let's see who will take care of him. If he thinks he can do it on his own, let him. I'm so mad for you right now.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
aw this is sad because you
aw this is sad because you can tell you both love each other and don't want to end things.. but he's got some weird trust issue, he obviously knows his son will cause problems for you guys but feels like he can't turn his back on his kid and is resigning himself to the fact that his kid is going to ruin things...how horrible for you all.
Ive played this over in my
Ive played this over in my mind, with only a few years under my belt in this relationship and im still young.. but would FDH really ever leave me and our kid(s) to go be with SD?
He used to make it so clear about how she came first (and was here before me *dont you forget it, type of thing*.. but really? Is he going to toss our intact family, to go be with his daughter that he had before he started this family..? Give up our (my) house.. and all this that we've built to go somewhere (back to his parents?) to make a point?
Id be standing there with my mouth hanging open if it ever happens.. I guess it could. I understand how you want to make it work, but for someone to take a hike like that Id never be able to trust them again.
You know honestly I would
You know honestly I would hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Definitely take your half of the money and put it where he CANNOT get it - tonight if you can!!.
Could this be his weinie way of breaking up with you, like in high school????????
I am APPALLED at what I am reading about him and honestly think you may be 10x better off letting his ass go.
With a bonus of keeping the ASSHOLE kid away who threatened to MURDER your son??? and then lied about it w/DH's blessing????!!!! Unbelievable.
I also suspect there are drugs involved, with this wacked out behavior. Sorry dear, HUGS
p.s. there are plenty of good men available in their 40s, without the head games you are getting, it is absolutely true dear
Well he's gone. I asked him
Well he's gone. I asked him over and over to tell me what he did with the money and he refused. He did everything from tell me it was "gone" to its in a "safe place" to "give me some time to get things squared away". All I know is he's a liar. He told me everything from he needed it for a house, he needed it to feel good, to tonight he wanted to buy a truck. Um, yeah, ok. He also told me that we needed to work on our issues before I earned the privilege of knowing where the money was. I literally dont even know who this person is. Ithink that is what is so incredibly frightening he is literally like a different person who is doing crazy ass shit. I told him he needed to quit hiding things for me or it would be done. He chose for it to be done. He left his family while our 10 year dd sobbed so that he could keep his secrets.
I'm so sorry that it has come
I'm so sorry that it has come to this but it sounds to me like he is really not in his right mind. His scary behaviour over the last couple of weeks has come to a head. For your sake and your kids please clear out any money in any joint accounts immediately, change the locks on your house and change the locks on the shed where he is hiding things from you. Go through the shed asap and check what is out there - he may have family papers, memorabilia or even weapons? God knows. It just doesn't sound kosher.
I thought he couldn't drive??
I thought he couldn't drive?? What would he do with a car??? Did you say he is injured or disabled somehow??
I am so sorry honey. He is clearly not rational right now. I think he is getting high and that is where the money is going. I hope I am wrong. HUGS
First get that other half and
First get that other half and hide it in your solo account so you feel secure. I wish i had some great advice to give you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
Hismineandours - am so sorry
Hismineandours - am so sorry to hear all this. You have been walking a hard old road for a long time now.
Before I left my exH, he started behaving like a different person from the one I had known for 20+ years - it is not a good sign, and perhaps you are better off without him. At least the wretched SS13 will not be your problem any more. Make sure you secure your remaining savings. Hope you will be OK.
HMO, if I recall correctly,
HMO, if I recall correctly, your husband was medically discharged - PTSD and TBI, am I right? I was under the impression that he can't even drive. That stuff takes a HUGE toll on someone's emotions and how they react to things. (If I'm wrong, I'll tell myself to stuff it)
I've been watching your blogs. You are NOT pathetic!! You're a strong woman. 40 is the new 20, doncha know? (said semi-tongue-in-cheek) Seriously - you've dealt with all of the insanity that comes with being associated with the military, with dealing with a serious injury, with the VA, with a crazy BM, with a psychotic SS, and with society who thinks you should be able to solve all of the problems by waving your magic wand.
I'm sorry it has come to this - but you are the most stable person for your kids to be around. You can make their life what it SHOULD be, not with their stepbrother swooping in and out, and their parents fighting over him all the time.
Good luck to you.
Thank you for all the replies
Thank you for all the replies ladies. It has helped immensely My dh has decided to return the money to the bank. He has decided he wants his family. I'm not going to lie-and I dont even care if he's reading this-I'm worried about him. I feel as if he has had some sort of mental breakdown. I am not sure if he has been taking his meds or not. My guess is no? He thinks, and thinks, and paces all day and stays inside his head until he becomes irrational. The only people he talks to are his family who are apparently not my biggest fans.
I hope you all will stay tuned and continue to be there as we start this new chapter (ss moves in) or (hismineandours tries to rebuild her trust in her dh). I am sure I will need the support!
I'm really at a loss for
I'm really at a loss for words and I don't know if anything I say will help, but I still think you should put some money into an account that has just your name on it. If your income goes into the joint account, I would redirect that as well. You never know what could happen or what kind of irrational decision he'll make next to put you and your children in jeopardy. Until you can trust him again (if ever?), you need to protect your assets.
And the SS is moving in as well? *sigh* I've got nothing on this one - except to say, protect your kids.
Yes Trish-we are still are in
Yes Trish-we are still are in our first year of him being home. He spent almost 4 years out of our home or only living here on weekends due to the drama and trauma of the military. Even prior to this his civilian job required travel so he has never really lived here full time day in and day out for the last 10 years or so. Big adjustment to say the least-for everyone involved. I also think he had a great deal of difficulty dealing with the idea of being "disabled". He cant physically do much because of back,neck and has chronic pain due to the nerve damage-he takes no painkillers and I know he doesnt feel good much of the time. He cant drive so he literally sits at home 24/7. I had high, but evidently unrealistic, hopes of how he would adjust more easily. I have tried to give him ideas and advice but I cant make him do these things. I think perhaps he is just drowning and cant find his way out.
I'm going to pm you at some
I'm going to pm you at some point ( on my tablet right now and it's annoying to type much) but my DH is disabled law enforce. due to an on the job incident...he sounds ALOT like your DH...but i really don't want to put much more here publicaly
In the mean time hang in there..hugs to you