How secure are you in your marriage? and how does this affect your relationship/feelings about skids?
I think marriage/relationship is where you should feel the most secure.
When DH and I first got engaged and we had to go through the drama/issues with the skids, we were trying to figure out everything. He was learning, I was learning. I had to change some things, he had to change some things. It was all new terrirtory for us. Me adjusting to his bad ass kids. Him, having to learn that his bad ass kids weren't going to walk all over me.
It probably took us maybe 2 years to work through everything. Adjust to step life. Adjust to our new "normal". We went to counseling and that helped.
I think during those times I felt most insecure in our relationship. I think it was due to a lot of the drama with the skids. Trying to figure out where DH had my back and when he didn't. I know he isn't always going to have my back 100% of the time when it comes to the skids. I know there are times when he says stuff about my BS, that I am like W.T.F. shut up. It just doesnt make sense to me. So it's only fair that he has those moments too.
But as long as he has my back on the BIG issues or we have the opportunity to discuss it, I feel better, more secure.
I think DH had to learn how to control his kids when it came to how they treated me. It was new to him and he had 4 kids (3 girls) that he had to control. I can understand in some ways, why it was hard for him and why it took some time.
Now that we have gotten into our normal, now that WE (me and DH) are living OUR life day to day and the skids have butted out, WE have grown together as a couple and I can tell he has MY back more now.
I have become just as important to him as his kids are. I'm not just someone he married, as opposed to his own flesh and blood (the skids). I am HIS LIFE.
The past 9+ months I have felt secure in our marriage when it comes to the skids. I feel better all around.
One of the best things that come with this is that I am not as annoyed about the skids and their actions as before.
Yeah they still irk me but its the same as a co worker who irks me or someone I kind of know, but dont really know. Like OMG what kind of person does X,Y,Z. But not something that really affects my life anymore.
Its really freeing to feel this way. I dont feel this way 100% of the time and the feeling comes and goes. But for the most I do feel this way and it's good.
I think it has something to do with me too. I know the skids can't hurt me. They can't hurt my marriage. When DH was at his weakest with the skids and their drama, we survived that. That makes me feel good.
Knowing that the skids can't hurt my marriage makes me not feel so uptight, threatened by them.
I can tell they now know that they can't hurt my marriage either. They tried and tried and tried but DH and I are still together and still happy. I can almost see the defeat in their eyes.
Anyone else feel this way? Or feel the opposite?
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Comments
Yes agree with all of that.
Yes agree with all of that. (Ha! Imagine that ;-)) regarding fitting in, etc.
I hope this is the next step and it just keeps getting better.
Amen
Amen sisterzerostepdrama!!!!!! Marriage is for better or for worse, for sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. Most days people think its just for better, in health, and richer! Absolutely there are going to be things to overcome. You can't throw in the towel over everything. Yes for the three Big A's, adultry, abuse, and addiction but I say you fought the good fight and you won. I roll my eyes when I read a lot of people posting advice like "leave him" over every stupid little argument. No one is perfect. Marriage isn't the cake and the dress. It's overcoming and finding a middle ground so you have someone that's going to have your back and vice versa through thick and thin. Or so I hear anyway being an unmarried person and all.
Although my journey to
Although my journey to feeling secure was more than 2 years, I agree on several points.
I think my biggest issue I had to deal with besides the SK's was BM. And maybe some of the issues with the SKs were because they saw how the BM was acting.
She suddenly became "helpless" although she was remarried. Would call DH for advice, fix this, fix that, help with this (not SK related). It seemed that whenever she was around, she'd have to regale us with some "remember when...." story. From the first time she did it with the SK's standing there, they started doing it too.
For 8 years DH and BM had been divorced and he was always helping her with stuff. I know it was difficult for DH to not do that anymore, but I just couldn't overlook it. One time he had the nerve to criticize me for WHERE I took my car to get the oil changed, less than a week after BM had called wanting him to put new brakes on her car (he ended up not doing it, which was a good thing for him, because I made it crystal to him what his situation would be like if he did do that for her.... let alone wondering what HER HUSBAND had to say about it.). I told him that since he didn't OFFER to take my car for the oil change, like he basically OFFERED to do the brakes on BM's car, he needed to keep his piehole shut.
I also hit below the belt by saying I needed to dye my hair blonde and act all helpless like BM, because being a brunette and self-sufficient wasn't getting me any attention.
He learned to shut out the BM requests and chatter, and instantly things got a lot better. It took shutting down the skids dragging BM into every single dinner conversation we had a few more years, but eventually that came about too.
Now? Totally secure. I love my DH, despite the rough spots we've been thru (and there have been many). I also believe that DH knows a lot of my security does come from being alone before I met him, making my own way, and knowing I can emotionally and financially do it again if needed.
I don't feel secure and I
I don't feel secure and I don't know if I will get there. DH is still in the early stages of making boundaries with BM and he hasn't been successful at parenting skids yet. He knows he needs to do these things but still falls back into the Disney Dad mode every time. He did it again this past weekend. We have been together almost 5 years and married one and a half. Every time I feel like he is making progress, he reverts back. I really don't know if we're going to get to the place where we feel secure in our marriage.
100% rock solid in my
100% rock solid in my marriage.
We've been married 1.5 years. We've had ZERO arguments. Not anything. Not even 'Did you forget to load the dishwasher last night'. Nothing. He's my best friend. We love spending time together.
Mind you, our courtship was a different story, because BM lived around here and made life hell. I was lucky to find Steptalk early so around 6 monhts - I started putting strong boundaries in place and letting him know what I would accept and would I would not in order to continue the relationship. But to my husband's credit, every single time I said "I don't like this element of the relationship with BM.... or Skids need to work on this... or we need to communicate more about that" DH followed through each and every time. He listened, understood, and we put a plan into action. He's close to perfect.
Sex life - is amazing.
That status of our great marriage is seriously based around the fact that BM lives out of state with skids. That's sad but I contribute so much of our happiness to the fact that we are no longer dealing with her except during visitation.
Bounderies ... Bounderies
Bounderies ... Bounderies ... Bounderies.
Things got better when we instituted extreme boundaries with BM. I instituted personal boundaries as well. This is after we moved away from the area. Moving really helped.
I have told dh that I am extremely not happy at the lack of boundaries in the beginning. That WE are not BMs family or friends, and that for the rest of my life I would not like to ever see her or have anything to do with her for the rest of our lives. And I do not want him to have anything to do with her as well. I am not jealous of her, I just want her not in our lives, at all!