Lately BM has been getting under my skin. I think it's under my skin MORE due to the fact that it is under my skin if that makes any sense.

Lately I have been feeling increasingly bitter towards her. I don't believe in bitterness as a lifestyle choice. I believe it only eats away at the host and that it is an ultimately useless negative practice. That being said I am really really struggling to cope with this trait I see increasingly in myself. I generally can forgive and let go of many many things. It's just honestly I have never met a bigger piece of shit in my life. No other person I personally know is as useless, tactless, ignorant, irritating, and pathetic. And it eats at me. I think the fact that she just asked FDH in so many words if she could get back together with him has made me HATE her. Hate is such a strong word and the very action by her herself isn't what caused this feeling. It's just knowing this woman has no fucking boundaries. That FOUR fucking years later here she is in all her glory whoring her way through everything. I don't even mean whore as a sexual term. I mean it as a term for SUCKING the ever living good and life from every situation with her pathetic sniveling crybaby victim woe is me crap.

We have a term for this in my household. Beagle. She is a beagle. Beagles are dogs that absolutely MUST have attention and love and need to be constantly reassured and petted and looked at. They stare deep into your eyes with these pathetic LOOOOOVE MEEEE, I'll do ANNNNYYYTHIIIING for you if you'll just LOOOOVE me eyes. She's a hot fucking mess. Always. She can't even pick herself up by her bootstraps and the more pathetic and desperate she is the more I want to take a frying pan across her whiny face. Ughhh there is a dichotomy to this feeling. See I feel torn. I feel like it is my JOB my duty as smom and by my own standards to treat her with respect and not bad mouth her and to forgive and show kindness to this woman. However every inch of my being wants to just SCREAM at everyone including her "You are a pathetic,sniveling waste of life and if I could I would fork you in the face". I have spent YEARS being her scapegoat. Never mind that she got prego with another man's baby and FDH STILL stayed with her bitch ass. Never mind she had already been dating someone a YEAR before FDH and I started seeing each other (confirmed by sd15 out of the mouth of BM confirmed it to a friend who hid her and her bf). Never mind she spent years hoe-ing it up. Never mind any of the FACTS. In her world "I broke them up" What is this fifth fucking grade? How does someone break up 2 married adults? In her mind she lost her meal ticket to me and therefore she HONESTLY believes that she is a homeless, possession-less, jobless, income-less failure because of me. Its been 3 fucking years. Get over it. I am almost 10 years younger than her and she is a total life failure. BY CHOICE. Not by me. I financially support her kids and that's ok but I shouldn't care for them any other way because its "her job" - GROW up. Have some fucking PRIDE, get your shit together. I am supposed to feel pity or compassion for her or something based off of my standards and just in general by being a good person. I don't. I try to force it. Do you know what I feel?

I feel like going to her house and stealing every fucking electronic and special memorabilia from her place because she stole from ME. She stole my 8gb Ipod touch my mom bought for me for Christmas - 3 years ago. Stole it when she came to bring sd15 lunch and I had loaned it to her. She pawned it and used the money to try and retain another lawyer during the divorce.

I feel like calling her b/f and telling him what a PIECE OF SHIT she is. He has no idea. She has lied about why she is divorced, why she doesn't have custody, that she was seeing someone else when she was dating him, lied about why she had to move in with him. Basically everything

I feel like telling her that she is fucking fat and pathetic and covered in acne because she spent 2 years calling me ugly and asking her kids to send her pics of me after I had just woken up in the morning or was sick. Then she actually saw me in person.

I feel like telling her that she is a hideous excuse of a Mom. That I've seen wolves make better parents.

I feel like letting her "beat the shit" out of me like she says she wants to do so bad. Then watch her get hauled off to jail (again) and smile at her and tell her that she will NEVER see her kids again and that I'll be their new mom now (just to be cruel and give her a reason to cry - not even to be a truth)

I feel like informing her that she is a FAILURE at everything and its her own fault.

I feel like telling her kids exactly what I think of her

I feel like flirting with her nasty ass boyfriend just so she can see what its like to have someone come and step all over your turf

I feel like going to her house and helping myself to whatever I want because she spent months letting herself into mine and FDHs house 2 years ago whenever she knew we were at work and enjoying her parenting time in MY house since she was homeless

I feel like going to her house and screaming through the windows that she is a bitch and a cunt and a whore and running across her lawn kicking her lawn ornaments over (there aren't any just a moldy couch and a toilet - no lie) because she did it to me.

I feel like telling her kids that she is a skank and a bitch and she doesn't really love them because she is too selfish to love anyone more than herself because she tells her kids she wishes I would die.

I feel like laughing at her misery

I feel like throwing all the things she buys the kids away or destroying them and sending them back to her house because she does that to us

I feel like ruining her holidays like allll the holidays she has ruined of mine in various ways.

I feel like calling her mom and telling her she is a cunt because she felt the need to do this to my mom

I feel like slashing all the tires on her vehicles for trying to get ours repoed

I feel like selling all her belongings and her nasty ass for the +$20,000 she has cheated, stolen or withheld from FDH

I feel like dumping a bunch of shitting, pissing, random animals in her house for her to care for because she has tried to pawn off 3 dogs, a hamster, hermit crabs and a cat on us at various intervals.

I feel like telling the WHOLE world that sitting on her ass, doing nothing, is much much more important to her than taking care of her kids

I feel like telling her to her face that the nice things that she is so inclined to try and steal from my home are there because I EARNED them. I didn't have to steal them. I didnt have to FUCK someone for them. I worked. I bought them you don't deserve SHIT.

I feel like telling FDH that he was an epic MORON to have ever married such a bottom feeder and then breed with her.

Most importantly I wish if she were right in front of me that I could tell her to fuck off and die. That she has been the biggest waste of a human being I have ever known and that I regret all of the sympathy, compassion, kindness, and restraint I have ever shown her. That she has been a waste of my vying for her behalf to fdh. That she doesn't deserve anything better than the run down shit hole she lives in and the asshole boyfriend she has dredged up from rapeville.
I want to tell her that FDH was miserable and trapped for years with the queen of clown car vaginas and that he was an idiot for not leaving when he had the chance but that his love for me has nothing to do with me being anything better. I'm just fucking normal and she is a damaged pathetic manipulative BRAT.

It's crazy. I put on such a good front. I try to "fake it til I make it" with her. I avoid her, stay out of her path to avoid conflict. I even have gone out of my way to be the better person and extend her grace and kindness. She responds in kind by trying to fuck my FDH and give me orders on who I am to be towards her kids? FUCK YOURSELF BITCH. I don't know what she thinks she knows about me but I know this - FDH and SD15 have both warned her that whatever cute ideas she has to "sneak up on her from behind and just beat my ass" is a really really really fucking bad idea. She isn't the only one with a messed up childhood back story. I just cover mine up real nice. I'm getting to this point where it has been 4 years in the making and plenty of olive branches extended and I'll be pretty honest if she decides to push my buttons any further I will blow her life up like a white hot nitro glycerin plant. I hate this side of myself but she brings it out. She runs her mouth and I think to myself who the fuck do you think you are? I've been in knife fights, thrown people down flights of stairs, had my face stomped in by grown ass men I've brawled with before and I have stab wounds to prove it. I've left that life behind and changed myself for the better but seriously? 4 years and you wanna push your luck? I've been the better person for MANY reasons. The kids, FDH, my beliefs, my family, myself, because she isn't worth it. I have a strong sense of preservation and have avoided her because I WANT to be the bigger person, but this chick keeps writing checks her ass can't cash!

I do know this. If she runs across my lawn screaming derogatory comments through my screens again, steals from me again, tries and fuck my FDH again, flips me off on my own porch again and I likely will smash her fucking face in. Just sayin. 4 years and counting...