AM I NITPICKING BECAUSE HE IS MY STEPSON
I find my stepson to be so obnoxious. Me and his mother can not get along and thankfully I have zero interaction with her. My DH pays CS and she still texts and emails him that he HAS to pay for a sport, shoes, haircuts, or anything else my stepson my need. I thought that was what Child Support was for?
This weekend was my DH weekend, wish I dread all week long. I just find my stepson to be obnoxious. For example, we were celebrating a birthday for my DH niece and my MIL asks my stepson do you want cake and he says, "no, I don't eat cake unless it's ice cream cake." That's rude and I know for a fact he does. I assume he wanted Ice Cream cake and they told him no that my DH's niece wanted a regular cake. I take a piece of cake home to eat the next day for myself. That night when we get home, he asks my DH if he can have the cake!! My cake! DH said yes, I wouldn't disagree so that I do not upset DH. Is it me or was that wrong?
For my DH birthday I invited his Mom and her husband and arranged for my stepson to come (since it was DH birthday I knew he would appreciate both of his sons with him), my DH requested to go to a very expensive restaurant which I was going to pay for. When we get there my stepkid doesn't even look at his Kids Menu and says I'll have the Lasanga. It's not even on his menu, I asked for a kids menu for a reason I was not planning on paying a 40.00 adult meal on him! My DH just laughs it off and says you mean the chicken parmegian right? Is it me or was that not obnoxious?!
My biological son states that he wants a cat. I love Kittens my husband is more of a dog person. I tell my Five year old that I love cats to and would like a kitten. Then my stepson chimes in oh dogs are so much better, cats are no good, dogs are great etc, etc. He does this all the time. If someone says something that they like he has to say why what they like sucks and what he thinks is best! I had enough I told him no one asked you. I don't care that you like dogs, me and Daniel like cats. My husband starts fighting with me in front of all kids that he has a right to an opinion and to express his opinion to which I answered, its my right that everytime I say I like something, not to have your son belittle it or disregard it like what he likes is better then my choice. Maybe I am wrong, I don't know. Maybe he is just being a kid but I find him so obnoxious and I hate that I can't have a relationship with him and that everytime he comes my whole demeanor changes because I have to deal with him!
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Comments
1. I think in the first
1. I think in the first scenario the kid was being slightly obnoxious, but I think the real reason in chapped your butt is because you didn't stand up for yourself. His actions have consequences. Say you don't like cake? Fine, you sure as heck ain't getting mine. I would've told my husband, "DH, that was actually my piece of cake. Dear SS told us he did not like it, so I didn't get him any."
2. Maybe obnoxious, maybe not. I know a lot of kids when they get to a restaurant, they have a usual order and they will just order it without looking at the menu. I think either you or DH should've been blunt with him and said, "I'm sorry, I need you to order off the kid's menu. I don't have enough money to pay for an adult meal for you."
3. Obnoxious, but again, a behavior a lot of kids go through. Responsible parents nip it in the bud. There is a difference between expressing one's opinion vs. disparaging other's opinions. IF the kid wants others to respect his opinion, then he needs to be respectful of other's opinions. A responsible parent says something like, "Ok, SS. It's perfectly fine if you like dogs and he likes cats, but we don't say one is better than another. You can say you like dogs because they like to play fetch, but it's not ok to call cats worse than dogs. It is just a matter of preference. If you continue to put down other's opinions, I'm going to have to ask you to go to your room."
To sum up, I do think SS is slightly obnoxious, but needs better parenting to help nip the obnoxious behaviors in the bud. He doesn't need an enabler who lets him get away with this.
If DH refuses to parent SS, then he is the obnoxious one, not SS.
I was very upset about the
I was very upset about the cake lol (I love cake), but what really bothered me is that I know he was being manipulating. He tried to manipulate his grandmother and didn't get his way and instead of my DH addressing it he just let it be. And if I say something he claims I am doing it because I am picking on him.
As for the restaurant scenerio, we go out to eat often and he always orders from kids menu (our rule is that if the kids menu is for your age then you eat from it), but he did it because his grandmother was there and he thought I would not say anything. Again he was being obnoxious and manipulating and my DH instead of seeing it for what it is, he covers for him.
I love DH but I feel like I can't live this way sometimes, where every other weekend I am anxious because I can't deal with his behavior. And worst when I say something to DH his initial reaction is that I am picking on him, but I am the same way with my boys. Very frustrating.
He is 11. I think I get
He is 11. I think I get annoyed because at 11 my son would never do these things. My biological son who is now 14 realizes there is tension. Since we were talking about my SS11 this weekend (SS11 ate all of 2 whole boxes of afterschool snacks and my biological son was not happy) I asked him how his stepmom treats him when he is around, and he said she loves me she tells me, she is very nice to me. For a minute he thought I was hurt but I said that I wasn't that I appreciated her and if anything it reflected on my parenting. He said well of course I do behave when I am there, I know I am at home with my dad, and sisters but also know that I have to obey there rules. Which is why I looked for this site, because I hope it's not me but I really can't stand when this kid is around, and while my common sense tells me that it's poor parenting, I also believe it's his personality. DH asked him SS11 do something and he ignored him so DH nudged him with his foot and SS11 said, "what you bum?!" I was speechless!
Any child who isn't your own
Any child who isn't your own is going to be obnoxious in some way. Especially a child who isn't properly parented. That's why I started to remove myself from my own damn home when DH's kids were over. I was sick of him not properly parenting them for their ages. Which made not only the kids obnoxious, but DH as well. Totally made me not give a flying shit.
And yeah... That kid would not have eaten my piece of cake. I would have snatched it right out of his bratty hands.
How do you deal with that
How do you deal with that feeling like you have to find something to do when your SS11 is around? I hate that anxious feeling I get before the weekend gets here. I feel like a stranger in my own home. He tip toes around me because he knows from the interaction I have with my own biological sons that I don't play. I can be the most fun mom, loving, and put there needs first but I expect proper behavior and respect.
I think the restaurant issue
I think the restaurant issue is something that all kids do. My own daughter would do that too to which I would say no, you are going to order from the kids menu.
My husband's kids did the same thing. It would annoy me more than my own kid doing it only because I expected my husband to say the same thing. Instead, he would look at me like a deer in the headlights, and I would have to be the bad guy and tell them no.
So I think you're kind of transferring from your husband to his kid. We all have done that from time to time. Half the battle is just realizing it.
Thanks sometimes I question
Thanks sometimes I question myself and my sanity!
I think those all were
I think those all were typical things that kids do and yes they are obnoxious. I think it's just natural that we can tolerate things way better in our own bio-kids but when there's the exact same behavior in our skids, it magnifies the obnoxiousness!!!
The cake and the trying to order off the adult menu I could tolerate (would just say no to both) but the rudeness (saying cats are no good when someone just said they like cats) I find worse. It's hard to think on your feet and just say "skid, it's kind of rude to say cats are no good when XXX just said they like cats. please be polite." or something like that. So you just stay silent and get annoyed. I do this too all the time. It's so hard to think on your feet, in the moment.
This is O/T but this somehow reminds me of SS's rudenenss that I tolerated because I couldn't think fast enough. At BS's birthdays and also at Christmas, when BS would open his gifts, SS would say, "oh, let me guess that's a XXXX" and try to ruin the suprise before BS got a chance to open it. Or, if it was a toy that SS already had, he would crow "I already have that!" or "Got that already!!!". He could not just watch BS open gifts, he had to comment on nearly every single one and a negative way. He was SO OBNOXIOUS about BS gifts!!!
I went through this a few separate times then I finally told DH that SS couldn't be around at gift opening time unless he could manage to say ONLY positive things or just keep his yapper shut. I should have just corrected SS myself the first time he pulled that crap!