YOU CAN'T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT
I am disengaged, I would say by choice, acceptance of the role I was given, or because my DH has never made an effort to get me involved. My DH has gone to my SS13 graduation (from elementary) without me, to some of his concerts, his teacher/parent meetings all without me. To me he is telling me that he doesn’t want me to be part of SS13 life. He has conversations with his BM, texts, which I am not allowed to hear or read, how do I know this because these conversations take place when I am not around and text messages get deleted so that I won’t see them. So SS13 is a stranger, I get tense when this stranger comes to my house every other weekend, I get tense when I see DH attitude change every other weekend. I get tense because I know and I have to accept my DH is not my own, and that he has another family. They make decisions without me, solve problems without me, have fights, makeup all without me or me even knowing. I just know because my in-laws talk and I happen to walk in. SS13 even moved and BM got remarried and I did not know until I happen to walk into a conversation. But now it's Christmas, and my DH wants me to accept SS13 like he is my family, put him in my family Christmas Card, share my winter break with him as if he was my family. But he is not!!! He is the reason our marriage is falling apart (not his fault). You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Why is he so special that he must be included in our DS06 birthdays but you and BM through a party where nor I, nor my BS15 nor our BS06 (SS13 bio brother) is even invited. WHY? WHY? WHY?
You can’t have your cake and eat it too. I have accepted the situation and try to be okay, so now you accept the situation that he is not a real part of this family. I don’t want him in my Christmas card as a representation of him being my family because you have made it clear to me that he is not, and I became compliant so now you become compliant and accept that because of your actions I feel this way.
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I'm sorry. This is a
I'm sorry. This is a hurtful, unacceptable situation. I don't blame you for being upset and I'm surprised you stayed. Exclude me and my kids, then try to rub the skid in my face when it suits you? No way. DH chose to exclude you and snub you, as did his kid and his family. They made their bed, now they can lay in it. Disengagement is a good way to cope with this. I'd resist and explain to him why.
What a bunch of BS. Excuse me for saying so, but your DH sounds like a real jerk, as does his family.
Krispey Kreme I finally aired
Krispey Kreme I finally aired everything out to him, this week. I always plan on taking Winter break with the kids, I never go to work and do fun things with him. Now my DH springs on me that SS13 will be here with us (not surprised his BM refuses to spend holidays with him and no explanation is ever given to me) but for him to take even one day from my winter break with my kids is too much. So I told DH yes it bothers me that he is here and I will not include him in any of my family activities. I want to have a good time and not be tense. You can't always exclude me and my BS15 and our BS06 but expect us to have to include him in all we do. So frustrating but I am glad I got it out of my chest.
Its good to get it off your
Its good to get it off your chest and stand up for yourself, but it is hard. Because you shouldn't have to be put in that position. It is going to be tense because the whole situation is all wrong and DH may try to force the issue or otherwise punish you for not making his life easier. Just the idea that he may push you on this is stressful. DH needs to take care of his kid. I hope you stick to your guns and I hope DH backs off and handles his own business. And I hope you and your kids have a Merry Christmas despite DH's tired old baggage and skid drama.
I would be a little concerned
I would be a little concerned about why he erases the text messages?
He doesn't like me to see the
He doesn't like me to see the conversations where she is bossing him around texting him, "you better pay 1/2 for his uniform, one time I read a message that said I have him M-F and that is enough!" He erased the other parts so not sure what that meant. But who thinks having their kid M-F after school is alot??!!! I think he is embarrassed because he knows he picked this horrible woman for his kid's mother.
I hate it when people hide
I hate it when people hide things, but that's just me. I am a firm believer in the truth, no matter how bad it is. I am also really nosy and like to know everything. I read my SO's texts from time to time. And he reads mine whenever he feels like it.
Exactly, he lies to me all
Exactly, he lies to me all the time to cover things up about the littlest things. For example we spent Thanksgiving with my family, I did not know if he was bringing SS13 or not. My family asks DH for SS13 he said he is with his mom this year, too which I thought it's about time (SS13 never spends the holiday with his BM it's us or MIL), then I over hear him talking to SS13 on the phone telling him if his Uncle Pedro is there, I know for a fact Uncle Pedro is in MIL house, so he lied to me, to my family. BM did not again this year have SS13, SS13 spent it with MIL. It's disgusting it really is! He doesn't like to tell me the truth because then I start asking questions, like why does BM not spend holidays with SS13, why can't she keep him on her weekends (she always sends SS13 to MIL). I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!! What type of mother is this?????? He never says a negative thing about her, nothing, all I can imagine is that he is embarrassed.
Hmmm, it does not matter WHY
Hmmm, it does not matter WHY HE IS LYING really now does it.
A LIAR IS A LIAR AND THAT IS NO GOOD.
He may lie to you about other things.....
That's how I live not know
That's how I live not know what is true and what is a lie. And sometimes it's a lie about the stupidest thing!!!!
It is a character issue.
It is a character issue. Someone who lies all the time lacks integrity and really can't be trusted or taken seriously.
Wow...Just wow...For
Wow...Just wow...For starters, I'm sorry that your DH is such an asshole. Sucks, but that's the truth. He's an asshole. Second, I know how you feel about your winter break. I am off during winter break also and I am looking forward to being home with MY son and doing fun things with him. We get SD12 on the 28th and DH asked me if she could spend New Years Eve with us. Since I will already have spent the first half of my winter break without her, I figured I could compromise and she could spend the last part of Winter break with us.
I also get the erasing text messages thing. My DH used to do this A LOT as well. He did it because he felt that if I saw the BMs demanding texts I'd get mad, but eventually I made him understand that OMITTING info was the same as lying about it, so he no longer does this. If my DH went to an event for SD without me or behind my back, we'd have serious problems.
SS13 never spends it with BM
SS13 never spends it with BM it's always either us or MIL. DH always erases he knows I get mad at her barking orders to my DH (who does she think she is)! The problem is sometimes I read mid way through a conversation which I have no idea what is going on then he gets mad cause I assume things but you left me no choice. On Mothers Day I wanted to eat at a restaurant. I made it clear to DH of the plans I wanted, it was SS13 weekend instead of making plans for BM to spend mothers day with her own son he kept him then since I fussed he said okay we will go all the way to NY to drop him off and I had to change my plans. So then I read a text message from BM how her family had to change their plans to accomodate us!!! What the hell did you plan with your family (which did not include your own son my SS13)?? I was so angry because to me she ruined my plans. Her goes another situation in which I know nothing!!!! GOD JUST REMEMBERING GETS MY BLOOD BOILING!!!